kensleyblogs

[kensleyblogs]

I am screaming but it is a drop in the bucket: inequity

I wrote a whole 3 pages about this a couple of days ago, but it sounded like a textbook, so I decided to revisit.

I have been crushed and so hopeful. I’ve been keeping quiet because I don’t have answers. I’ve been forcing this out of my mind because I can’t fix this by myself, I feel so useless and powerless in this massive tsunami of change and outcry. I don’t know. I really don’t and I was writing this as some sort of self help: “what to do when you feel guilty about other people’s oppression”. There is no answer. I am panicking, and I’m realizing that this is ok. We should be panicking right now. We should feel overwhelmed by the severity of the current situation. We are finally comprehending the incomprehensible inequity that is happening in the world. Thank fuck this is happening. And I know sososo many people are feeling this crushing overwhelming feeling and maybe like me, trying to avoid it like, “everywhere I look there’s posts about what’s happening, we’ve got this I can just ignore it. suppression suppression suppression.” Because for me, posting on social media didn’t seem like enough. It didn’t seem to reach the severity I was feeling about this. The guilt built so that whenever I would create something to post, I felt like my voice was smaller than a whisper. It scared me to think of my being as so powerless. And that’s where so much of this goes. This larger than you kinda panic. “you hurt where you care, and you care where you’re hurt”-Stephen C. Hayes

And so much of this hurt has come from shame, I think. There’s a shame to being privileged when you know so many people are suffering just because of what they were born into, like trading my skin for theirs or family or place of birth would change anything. Its enraging and humbling to give your thoughts to the massive injustices in the world. But look ok I was listening to the amazing Duncan Trussell, like one does when they look for answers in life, and I did find at least a piece of the answer I was looking for. Mehcad Brooks was the guest on the show a couple weeks ago and that episode literally gave me chills. One of the things that really caught my attention was when Duncan was saying how he was unsure how to use his platform in all of this, and how he felt shame and powerlessness and all the other things that a lot of people are feeling right now. And Brooks responded so beautifully I almost cried. He said, “I don’t think you should hang your head in guilt because guilt is a useless emotion. And we need people to transmute the guilt into action, into compassion and into awareness.”

Read it again please. And listen to that episode cus I stg its so so so good to hear right now. A reminder that not all is doomed. That as much as there are so many confusing emotions circling around this uncertain and massive period, this is a good thing. This is all of the muck that built so heavily on the foundations of our world. Guys were finally tearing off the walls and seeing the rot. This is not a bad thing- this means that our house was going to collapse eventually. This means that we have the opportunity to build a better, stronger, more compassionate and understanding house. nope we can’t just put it back. That’s not an option anymore.

And like they talk about that episode, once an injustice is seen in this world, all injustices are out in the open. We’re not just not talking about it anymore. Here it is.

And ya this does make you feel your place in the world. The uncomfortable taste your brain gets when it tries to digest this. This is ok! Know that this has come into the limelight because so many other people are enraged. Your drop in the bucket is one more that is added to the collection of drops. You are contributing. You are being the active change in the zeitgeist of this world by speaking out and being loud and making people uncomfortable by calling them out. So please please continue to yell even though it may come out as a whisper in this massive world. Your ripples will make waves.    

 http://www.duncantrussell.com/episodes/2020/6/13/mehcad-brooks

[kensleyblogs]

Balance

Today I was doing yoga and I fell down a lot. I got super frustrated like “why does the world hate me I keep losing balance when I try to do half moon, this is not fair I’m so bad at yoga” and it kept going. I stopped for a second, did the thing where you hold your thoughts out in the open and I noticed I was very very impatient. Now, I’m not too sure about the science of this claim, but whenever I’m unbalanced in yoga it almost always means I’m unbalanced in my life.

Today was one of those day where no matter how much I thought in boss mode and savage mindset, some nasty unproductive thoughts kept creeping their way in like little shits in the shadows. And I think this is really important to mention, because literally no matter how much you meditate and go to therapy and knock yourself out with savage thinking, these vulgar fuckers are gonna return. I’m not saying this as a means to stop trying because well shit, I’m never gonna stop thinking like this, but if your like me and your brain is a jumble of gross slimy strings that make themselves into whatever type of mental illness you have, you have to accept that this is the way its going to be. No, its not like these thoughts are going to go away, but yes you have the power to do what you need to do with them. And some days its going to be harder.

Now, there’s a few reasons why this had occurred to me today, but one that I’m gonna talk about is the fact that I had been going full savage mode. Like 100mph, nothing except what I needed to get done. I don’t think that’s a bad thing once in a while, but I did get a slap in the ass today with all the emotion I was suppressing in order to make this happen. The 0 to 100 I did in the past week was a massive shock to my mental state. I’m so used to being a very emotional being that when my savage mode occurred, I felt unrecognizable. Almost like a being took over my body and my inner child mind was like who is this invader. I believe this shock to my system was a good thing; any stress in life can be a good thing when handled properly and making room for growth with it.

Mostly what I wanted to talk about today, though, was maintaining a good balance in your life. Yes you can achieve what you want by changing your mindset and working hard, but also you can cry. There’s so much all or nothing going on in the world, and I know a lot of people think like that, but maintaining optimal productivity means also taking time to recognize that you are human and not a robot, no matter how hard you try to become one. You gotta cry sometimes friends. You really really do.

and that’s when i realized today was a really good day to lay in my kitchen and listen to grimes real loud. 

[kensleyblogs]

Watching screaming hypnotic adds at 2am

Almost an insult to how obvious it is

how needy you are to comfort

A grasp at something warm and fuzzy

But what you're holding is artificial

You are uncomfortable in this chaotic world

[kensleyblogs]

Failure as a viable option part 1

Alrightalrightalright so friends, now that we have it known that you can and will do what you want In life, lets talk about maintaining that sense of excitement and “motivation”

Motivation: not a real thing

Important side note: To say you have motivation is an indication that it is a feeling, an outside force that creeps its way into your being at 3am. Its not. Motivation is a choice.

As a small little teenage Kensley, the world around me was littered with messages of “keep in your lane” and “dream big- but not too big yaknow” remember- small towns small minds. My favourite one of this was from my math teacher throughout high school. He would frequently rant about the “realistic” expectations of post secondary and the rigorous schooling you would have to go through to get anywhere. He would usually say “if you have it you have it, if you don’t, too bad”. Now, I’m sure he meant well (shout out to the gallant gang), but for me that slipped into my mind as “you aren’t good enough”. I had stopped thinking about any other possibilities almost as quickly as they entered into my mind. It was a little bit like I couldn’t even whisper any ideas into my mind without it shouting back “FUCK NO”.    

Maybe not everyone was as insecure and timid as me, but I know a lot of people are. If you would have told me in high school that this is the way I look at the world, I simply would not have believed you, fuck even a year ago it seemed like an ocean away (and it kinda was). Growing up I had dealt with major anxiety and into my teenage years, super bad depression. I remember looking at the world I was in and hating it. I hated the systems that I had to go through, I really believed I didn’t have a choice and I just didn’t see the point at all if the goal was to end up like my parents. I wont really get into that situation- love my parents.

Can you guess what I’m gonna bring up again: the importance of mindfulness!!!!! I can see you rolling your eyes at me and accept the outside forces at play here, but listen: how you think is directly related to how you see the world, and how you see the world is directly related to how you live in it- the choices you make. So you should probably learn about how you think. Its wild how many people get stuck in thought loops and believe they have no power to change it. guys- our brain is a computer. My favourite analogy is a ball going down a maze with grooves. The more it goes down the same groove the more indented it gets. That’s the exact same as how we think. If you don’t like the way you’re thinking you get to change it-its that simple.

But not really that simple. It sounds simple “just change how you think” but in practice its frustrating and daunting and it takes a really long time. I know this because it took like 4 years for me, but when implemented, you can and will pull a reverse uno card on your whole life. The biggest help for me was consistently going to therapy. I don’t care how you think about therapy because guess what you don’t need to be “mentally ill” to go. Go to therapy Go to therapy Go to therapy. I learned a way of control over my mind using acceptance and commitment therapy- look it up. Its life changing I promise. But what were gonna talk about right now is thinking in terms of productivity.

If you scan real hard in your brain you’ll see all sorts of thoughts floating around. If you catch one and hold it in your hand you can probably see all the emotional connections it has on your being. Your thoughts are like the coding for your mind. So the more you notice what exactly is taking over your mind, you can start to do what you want with it. it’s a very lengthy and long process-therapy- but the thing that I’ve been doing recently is ill get a thought like, “oohh this person didn’t text me back I’m gonna feel all anxious and sad about myself” I don’t even let it get through the gates. I stop it, I don’t care if its right or wrong, I now look at thoughts in productivity. That thought isn’t doing me any good in life, I’m letting it go. I’ve simply forced myself to stop caring about all the things that would run me over before. And this, friends is how you can maintain this constant state of going where you want ok.

[kensleyblogs]

The relevance of being mindful of your mind

It begins here

Says every fucking self help book ever, but listen, this is actually the goodest thing that you could read and here is why it really really matters: everything starts somewhere. Whoa. Revolutionary I know but I will repeat it again and again and again until human civilization knows. I will repeat it until the sun runs out because that’s how important knowing the impact of our choices is, which in return means knowing the impact of our mindset. There is nothing less frustrating than letting the fertile grounds of tomorrow whither up and become so dry that not even a fucking seed could germinate. It’s a good thing that you have access to water nearby. And its a good thing that the seeds are pretty resilient.

So, there’s been a series of event that have occurred that has caused big big shifts in my mental state. It was like the gears of a clock, everything just clicked into place. I say that, but I also have to acknowledge the time that it took-like my whole life has been coming down to this point. I realize what a claim this is, but I believe it to be true, and I can get into that at a later time.

Success is a mindset. Ok. Now that we have that clear, lets explain what I’ve noticed with this concept deeply rooted in my mind the past couple of days: the main problem with people is that they believe things happen to them, not the other way around. They accept the way they are without even thinking about what’s outside their realm of possibilities. What you do in life is completely determined by your scope of what you think you can do. Its you. Its always been you, and if you think any outside force determines where you go in life, you are so so so fucking mistaken. There’s a whole whack of cliches that I’m learning with this gear shift in my mental abilities are cliches for a reason. Once you completely and utterly believe that you have control over your surroundings, this becomes your life, baby. 😉

But for me it wasn’t easy, this shift of thinking, this frame of mind, this expansion of my universe. I grew up in a very small town and no time is the saying “small towns have small minds” truer. I would think in “realistics” and I basically had a framework for what I thought my life was going to end up like from day one. And its because nobody slapped me in the face and said “Kensley you have some massive abilities, you can do what you fucking want” nobody punched me in the gut with “savageness” until like basically right now.

Savageness: a mindset

No, you can’t think like this and believe success will come to you without any work put in by you. You have to be clear about what you want, and what you want to achieve. Just for a single second I dare you to step outside the realm of realism and dive deep in your mind. What do you want? What do you actually want? Like without any constraints or barriers. Go snuggle up by yourself and write it down because ill let you know something- if this is the thing that you really want its not unrealistic. Not in the slightest.

I know I sound like a silly kid with her head in the clouds but here’s where you ask yourself; what’s the harm? There are absolutely no negative side effects to putting effort into what you want to be doing. Drill that into the algorithm of your mind when you feel like giving up. The biggest thing for me was looking at the life I was going toward at the time, and the first thing that came into my mind was “I would rather die than stay on this path”. I couldn’t do it. even the thought of that outcome made me want to cry. So that’s when I knew it wasn’t going to happen. That’s when I knew I had the reins in my own fucking life. I started thinking in absolutes instead of possibilities. I started saying yes this is going to happen and I knew without a doubt in my mind that where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do was right there.