kerasdnd

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just some colors i was feelin!

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“I brandish a flaming, severed orc scrotum. Pay up, fuckboy.”

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The best Dungeon Master feeling of all is just dropping little hints about what you're gonna do to your player's character and then when they kinda connect the dots, you misdirect them in the other direction.

And then you get to watch them fall apart when they realize they were right all along.

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Diferentes razas de perro en versión guerrera, por Nikita Orlov.

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When the bard uses intimidate

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*After a long a grueling few sessions in a gladiator ring, where the Ranger and the Monk proceeded to roll extremely low on their Charisma checks to “pump up the crowd”, completely ignoring the Druid with a +6 in performance and nearly sending us to our doom by ticking off the king.*

*In the process of finding the Monk, who mysteriously disappeared in the night*

DM: Alright, what do you do?

Ranger: Let’s go talk to the king!

All others(ooc): ‘NO!’

Ranger(ooc): Why not?

Druid(ooc): Because you nearly got us killed because 'you’ and 'him’(points at Monk player) tried to “wow the crowd”, completely forgetting the fact that 'he’ has a -1 bonus on Charisma!

Monk(ooc): *Timidly*…But I have a six pack?

DM: That gargoyle you just fought had an 8 pack.

Monk(ooc):…I’m enraged…

Druid(ooc): *To DM* We all know he is going to die, please make it slow and painful…

DM: I can do that.

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Next paladin concept I want to play: a tall, literally statuesque being, either a warforge constructed to look like flesh to stone or a WoD Promethean whose “wounds” are sealed over with gold for a kintsugi look. Like an Amaluran Kollossae in appearance.

Gorrem

But with the golden wounds/repairs. 

Their background could be that they were intended to be a simple if artistic construct built by a mage experimenting utilizing positive plane energy rather than arcane, and since positive plane is literally life and divine light, they make a far more sentient and complex being. Bonus points if they have “siblings” made with similar methods, but with negative energy and other significant extraplanar power that either develop their own individuality, or thanks to their sibling, growing their own souls in response.

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Me explaining my celebrity crushes to my gf: you don’t know their personalities so you don’t understanddd

My gf: they play dnd... I know enough

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TL;DR

A little context:

It was one of my first games and I was supposed to have a short guest role as a cleric in a homebrew game of dnd, so natjurally I was gonna go on and wander through villages to aid the injured, bla bla bla….

This is what happened instead when our group has sucessfully tied with an demonic army and is now debating the peace between the two kingdoms.

(DM) Demonic General: We have written a contract of peace, that we want you to look over and, if you agree with our terms and conditions, sign in the name of the kingdom your adventuring group represents right now.

*the DM sends a wall of text to the Paladin personally as he told us afterwards, after a 2 minutes, the Paladin answers*

Paladin: *reads the contract and nods* I will sign this, to bring peace between the demons of Grashku and the people of Eltrum

(DM) Demon General: Are you sure?

Paladin: yes! *he signs the contract*

Immediately two demons of the army grab me and snuff out my life with one arrow to the head and a knife to the throat, no reaction time at all.

Paladin(OOC): WHAT THE FRICK?!

DM: YOU’VE READ THE CONTRACT, DIDN’T YOU?

Paladin(OOC): It seemed so long! So I just skimmed it!

The whole party starts freaking out as the GM sends the contract to the whole group officially and as it seemed, the demons demanded me, the cleric, to be killed for they do not want the kingdom to have supernatural healing powers in their grasp, since the party was going to leave as soon as they would’ve brought the contract to the king, their cleric would’ve been out of reach.

So yeah… Killed by Skimming a not so peaceful peace contract!

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Phone background, anyone? A lovely new purchase from Monina Creations 💖

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Who ever said space was dark? Once your eyes adjust, you’ll be amazed what you find

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Our dm really enjoys creativity and is open to at least letting us trying out our wild ideas; whether we succeed is up to the dice.

Anyways, last night was the third session of our party holding off enemy troops (enemy troops imbued with power from an eldritch entity mind you) from invading a town, and things were starting to not look good. Many of the townspeople who took up arms were dead or injured, and our party was looking pretty worse for wear/running our of spell slots.

Our elf ranger and my water genasi warlock/cleric ended up on a rooftop together due to some clutch casting of Dimension Door (we were both near dead). From afar, we watched the madness unfold and by my next turn, I remembered levels ago I took the Magic Stone cantrip simply because I thought, “Ha ha, this is a silly spell. Something Lethe would definitely know how to do.”

So I asked the dm if there were any stones on the roof to which he responded, “Due to all the fighting, it’s pretty easy to find some demolished bits of buildings on the roof.”

I picked them up, cast Magic Stone on them, and passed them off to Arannis, our elf ranger, explaining, “You know that thing you do where you throw an arrow and it explodes into more arrows? Maybe you could use these too?”

Arannis pocketed them and when his turn came around, he looked at the dm and told him, “I’m going to cast Conjure Barrage using one of the stones Lethe gave me.”

Dm let him throw it, cast it as usual. The dm then looked at him and replied, “You throw it, but it disappears into thin air.”

The dm then asked Arannis to roll an arcana check. After he rolled, he looked to the dm and, very confused, said, “I got a 21?”

This is when it happened.

“Arannis come here, I’ll give you the dice you need to roll.”

The dm then handed Arannis 20 d6 and told him to roll them four times.

As Arannis rolled, the dm began to explain:

“You watch as the spot where that stone was begins to grow into a bluish green orb with a black and purple haze coming off of it. First you hear the sound of a rushing river, like one that is flooded, then you hear what sounds like ravens, lots of ravens. Then you notice it. The orb starts to grow into large meteors, all coming down upon the enemy troops. Your friends and allies are all safe, enveloped by the now massive ravens. Upon seeing this, the few remaining enemies give it a big old nope and start retreating.”

Combining our two sources of magic apparently caused The Raven Queen, whom Arannis has been favored by, and Eldath, Lethe’s patron, to also combine their forces to cast Meteor Swarm.

So…yeah….that’s why we have a great dm.

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Almost finished the Mimic!

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A slight misunderstanding

Context: Our party is currently going through Mines of Phandelvar, and we just met with a wizard name Cost who was trying to speak with Agatha the Banshee. Barbarian: (OOC) I’d like to enter the tent. DM: Okay, you enter the tent, and see a stocky man in robes who turns around and faces you. (As Cost) “Who are you people, and why are you in my tent?” Barbarian: “Who am I? Who the hells are you and why are you here?” DM: “My name is Cost, and I–” Barbarian: “Cost? I’m not buying OR selling anything!” DM: Cost walks up to you and puts a hand on your shoulder. “Well, I’m selling lightning.” Take 16 electric damage.

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“You’re flirting with the barkeep, you’re trying to start a threesome with two halflings, and you just took a mirror up to your room because you thought it was a hot dude”

Me, the DM, to my three Bards within the first five minutes of the campaign

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A bounty Hunter is talking to his bounty

Elf(bounty): So you have a bounty on me?

Hunter: *shows her the page*

Elf: Yeah, that’s definitely me.

Town guard: Take this somewhere else.

Hunter: Eh, we’ll meet again.

*the hunter walks roughly 15 feet away*

An orc in the party calls upon his god, who always sends a disciple via lighting.

Me(dm): *starts laughing*

Party: what?

Me: he got a nat20 for listening to the summon.

The bounty Hunter gets struck by lightning and explodes in blood. A disciple approaches out of it, sqeeky clean.

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headcanon: in DnD & similar settings, the reason clerics have limited spell slots is not bc their deity stops listening to them after a certain number of requests, but bc there's only so much contact with divinity that any mortal can withstand

the higher-level the cleric, the longer they've been in contact with the divine, and the more they can interact with that divine before it takes too much of a toll to continue... but it still takes its toll