ket-astrophe

[ket-astrophe]

My new job is boring.

But not in the way tv that has nothing good on, making you want to take the remote and endlessly switch the channels until you find something remotely interesting.

If I had to describe its unique boring self it would be something akin to a foggy autumn day when rain clouds are gathering and you don't have any plans.

When you're having a cup of tea and your lover covers you with a blanket, fully enveloping the sense of warmth.

When there's a traffic jam on the way home, but songs playing on the radio are just your jam....

the best kind of boring.

uneventfulness that makes you glad to get up every morning, makes you run to its arms like a child, welcoming their parent home.

I don't talk about my work a lot, there's not much to say. When you are your entire department, management is pretty laxed.

No customers getting too handsy, exploiting the fact that you have to stay "professional"

No floor managers yelling at you for their lack of staff

No pulled backs and stiff necks because someone decided that the only way you can be a team player is by carrying boxes twice your size.

None of it applies.

So I hug the boredom like an old friend, with bloody fingers and handprints all over my body, asking her "Where were you so long?" and "This time, would you stay?"

[ket-astrophe]

Sisyphus

I push the boulder up the hill

For it to come crushing down.

I feel my body get torn

One more time.

I reach for hilltop

Just a touch out of reach

My boulder goes back to bottom

I slouch and repeat.

The hill taunts me,

Mocks my failed attempts.

The bottom is safe,

Yet I try again.

The thing i yearn

Just a moment away.

I chip myself down

With each mountain climb

Feel my body tear and give up

After each try.

A pickaxe on the ground before me

Suddenly appears

Speaks of kinder mountains

That wish you were here.

My boulder shakes and shivers,

Says it isn’t so,

This hill is our home,

Why would we ever go?

I hug the cold, scared stone

And tell it it’s not alone.

We will revel in the view,

Conquer a hilltop on our own.

Under my hug,

A crack appears,

Boulder disappears.

Little figure in the core

Of a hand never held,

teardrop on the ground.

Haven’t seen you in a while.

Lets go little one,

No need to turn to stone

Our mountain awaits,

It certainly won’t be here.

I cradle the hand and wipe its tears away

We skip

and tumble

and play

With the view of rubble far,

far away.

[ket-astrophe]

I stand by the window, on this lonely night,

Hoping for a glimpse, of her in the moonlight.

Our love, a distant memory, now faded and bare,

The glances stay unmet, she's no longer living there.

I light a cigarette, inhale the bitter smoke,

Thinking of the moments when our hearts awoke.

But she's moved on, found a new life to share,

While I remain here, alone, in my despair.

I trace the cold glass, where her image used to be,

Whispering my regrets, to the night so free.

She's no longer mine, no longer in my care,

In that room where love once thrived, now just an empty chair.

My heart still aches, for the love that's lost,

A painful reminder, of the bridges that we've crossed.

In the silence of the night, with tears I bear,

I'm just a man, haunted by a love affair.

[ket-astrophe]

I stand by the window, on this lonely night,

Hoping for a glimpse, of her in the moonlight.

Our love, a distant memory, now faded and bare,

The glances stay unmet, she's no longer living there.

I light a cigarette, inhale the bitter smoke,

Thinking of the moments when our hearts awoke.

But she's moved on, found a new life to share,

While I remain here, alone, in my despair.

I trace the cold glass, where her image used to be,

Whispering my regrets, to the night so free.

She's no longer mine, no longer in my care,

In that room where love once thrived, now just an empty chair.

My heart still aches, for the love that's lost,

A painful reminder, of the bridges that we've crossed.

In the silence of the night, with tears I bear,

I'm just a man, haunted by a love affair.

[ket-astrophe]

In the city's heart, where neon lights flicker,

I roamed through life, a lost and lonely figure.

Desire, a tempest, stirred deep within my core,

I chased its fleeting shadows, wanting more and more.

In the tangled sheets of restless nights,

I sought the truth of my own inner lights.

Exploring my desires, I danced through the fire,

Discovering a burning desire.

Society's expectations, they tried to confine,

But I broke free, like a stubborn vine.

Labels and norms, I tossed them aside,

In the depths of my passion, I could no longer hide.

With every touch and whispered word,

I unraveled the secrets that I had heard.

My own tapestry of grace,

I embraced it fully, in this wild, passionate space.

So here's to the journey, the twists and the turns,

To the lessons learned as my desire burns.

In the city's chaos, I found my own truth,

My sexuality, my essence, my eternal youth.

[ket-astrophe]

Ljubav i ja

Ljubav i ja posvadjale smo se milijun puta

Barem.

Toliko puta se i pomirile.

Ljubav i ja kroz zivot skupa koracamo,

Jedna na drugu se oslanjamo.

Zbog nje ja sam samosvjesnija,

Zbog mene, ona je sigurnija.

Ljubav i ja igrale smo se ko’ djeca,

Pricale nekim jezikom koji samo mi smo znale.

Knjige razne citale

Serije zagrljeno gledale.

Uz crtice pjesme, iz duse, pjevale.

Ljubav je u mene uvijek vjerovala,

Jedini je razlog zasto sam ja danas - ja!

Kroz najteze trenutke, ona me sacuvala.

Malen plamen ljubavi bezuvjetne koji zauvijek tinja.

Koji se ne preispituje,

koji zna kako da iskra baklja postane!

Moja ljubav mirise na frezije i hrabrost,

I zna kada je potrebno da zagrli me snazno.

Ljubav svojim rukama zacijeli rane za koje ne znas da su tu.

Srce nosi na svom dlanu.

Ljubav i ja zivimo zivote svoje.

Svaka u svom gradu.

Ma, ko’ da je bitno gdje zivimo ljubav i ja.

Zagreb, Rijeka, London, New York,

Ljubav ima puno planova.

Sta je daljina,

Kad je sekina ljubav sveprisutna.

[ket-astrophe]

Daisies

Calendar pages,

Torn like daisy’s petals.

He loves me one day

He loves me not- another.

Lips pressed on mine,

Gentle touch of a hand.

Belling laughter letting all the citizens know

he loves me?

2 AM cigarettes smoke

intensified clicking and flickering light

Interchanging scenes mirrored on your face

As you do not see me walk by.

Enveloped in a world where all noise is cancelled

The sub-sect of the world I am a part of.

he loves me not?

Thrown branch,

and pitter patter of tiny feet.

Whistles and togetherness.

Hours pass by.

he loves me?

Taste of coffee mixes with bitterness,

Bicycle has one too many wheels.

Whispers unknown, stories never told.

he loves me not?

Glistening bodies

Intertwined.

Blurry thoughts,

Sparkles all around.

he loves me?

Talk of white petals,

Suit and tie.

Us in front of everyone,

You are forever mine…

… aren’t you?

A mere spectacle.

Now, now,

No need to cry.

he loves me not?

Absurdities.

Dramatics.

Sleepless nights.

Tearful headaches.

As the last calendar page falls on the floor,

Good bye.

he loves me not…

[ket-astrophe]

Shiny black cloud

Summer showers bring clear skies.

Exhilarating drive to outrun the rain,

A great storm came from the Alps.

Blew us both away.

And when the storm settled, the wind cleared the sky,

All that remained was one, tiny black cloud.

The black sheep amongst its kind,

One that brought fun and joy over rainy sky.

My little cloud devours all the specks that came its way.

You grow bigger and stronger with each passing day.

On sunny days and darkest of the nights, I could never outrun your dark, cloudy marks.

Your excitement and curiosity wiggle about the vastness of the sky, where your thoughts live about.

With each day you follow me around, the bond my black cloud and I share grows more…

And more.

Profound.

As years sprinkle dust over your soft edges,

I know that day will come when winds will blow,

And you will leave me…

To go with them.

When that day arrives,

Sunny day without any storm,

Sun’s rays will not be the one keeping me warm.

The thought of you, that shown so bright

Will stay with me all through the night.

No earth,

Or wind,

Or rain

Can match

The Rheas love

My black cloud could catch!

[ket-astrophe]

‘Home is a feeling’ her entrance read.

If home is a feeling,

I’ve been born homeless.

Searching for shelter my whole life.

Only to find tents and alleys

That would hide me for a night.

‘In this house we make mistakes.’

So easy to say when your house has foundation

Sturdier than sadness regret.

‘Home is where the heart is!’

The heart got chipped away,

And is resting in different graves.

‘Home is the comfiest place to be’

For those of us who share razor-filled beds

Comfort is not a way home is.

If ‘home is the nicest word there is!’

I’ve been beaten senseless

by a bully in the schoolyard

If home is all that its said to be

How come the thought of home

Doesn’t bring anything to me?

No velvety words that caress you with their touch

No comfy blankets or dances under the rays of sun

No duct tape to heal the broken parts.

Just scream into a pillow, punishment for acting out.

If home is a feeling,

I am homeless.

Thought whispers to my ear.

******

His arm finds me, and pulls me near.

The loud shuffle of his sleep

Chases thoughts of darkness away.

With a kiss my worries melt, light begins to pray!

Slow stroking of the hair and radiating heat

- Barrel of fire for my soul.

His hug strong

His kisses deep.

In his love,

My palace lives.

[ket-astrophe]

I am the one thing all my problems have in common:

Me, the daughter of cynicism and contempt, will I ever walk the plane without leaving withered footprints?

Me, sister of sunshine and courage, that yearns to dissipate in the lovely rays her sunshine glows.

Me, wife of comfort and love, that never subsides. With bitter taste of coffee, a single tear on the cheek, gall rising up, heart crushing underneath.

Me, mother of joy and fear that paint the morning dew with excitement to be alive.

Me, the image of the unknown that stares back. The cry in the night, flying splinters under a broken fist.

Me, anger that boils all it touches, venom that slowly kills hope.

Me, mother of joy and fear, wife of comfort and love, sister of sunshine and courage, daughter of cynicism and contempt… I never got to be anything more than a hollowed out giving tree.

[ket-astrophe]

As painful as it gets

I miss you… With every breath, every shuteye, every bone. I miss you… and wish you were here, wish I was not alone.

I call you up, no one picks up the phone. You don’t miss me. You crave freedom more.

I give myself away to undeserving people, chip away parts of me to fit into the world. And at the end. They don’t even miss me.

I’m lying here, miles away from you, thinking how less heartache I would have- if I for once didn’t choose everyone else over me. And at the end. The only one that messes me. Is me.

[ket-astrophe]

Even though the door just closed behind you, the ache has already arrived.

Not making much sense- desire to jump into the car and trace the tyre tracks that will hopefully lead me back to you. The need is nonetheless here, even though your perfume is still on my shirt and I can still taste your kiss. It feels…. faded. Like a glimpse of a memory long forgotten, brought back for just a second to make you sad that night.

Why do we always have to part? Why must you leave, and why must I stay behind? Feeling like a clingy pup, waiting for his human, his entire world, to once again arrive.

You started as face bubble next to a unique name and I never for a second thought you’d become anything more than that little chat. But then we started the endless game of copycat that lead us here today- with one of us once again leaving and the other saying ‘please stay’.

So here I am again, lying in the bed, hugging your pillow, trying to squeeze the last specks of your scent left behind. Because when you’re not here, it feels like a mirage.

You are the bottle of whiskey on the nightstand, the vanilla-like smell of cigars. The bite mark, bruise, breath-loss, ecstasy inducing sensation of skin touch.

You, a home I’ve tried so much to build on my own, a safe zone. Autumn day walk with leaves crunching underneath, arms wrapped around you while rain runs with childlike pitter-patter, making it even nicer to know…

… that home can go with you, wherever you go.

[ket-astrophe]

Taste of our relationship

I lost you, Like change in the couch, Like warmth in the wind, Like ... Like we've never even met.

Flashbacks of our time together intrudes at the most inconvenient times. I'm driving my car and suddenly - we're walking in the snow, talking like we're best of friends, and not two strangers that just met. Sharing secrets that you would only say to someone you truly love.

I'm writing an email - we're in my parked car, you're talking about philosophy as we watch cars pass by on the freeway. Their lights are tracing our faces and I feel content.

I'm making dinner - We're having friends over and you're the most interesting person in the room. Your laugh could ignite the cheer of everyone, I'm talking to others, but your spotlight shines so bright for me.

I'm making the bed - flood of memories of million kisses tries to drown me. Making my throat tight. You were my favourite kiss, my saddest kiss, most passionate one, first-love one, first real heartbreak one. And even now, I still don't know how to kiss others without comparing them to you. They all disgust me, because they're not - you.

You whose fingers would always somehow find mine in your sleep, who I could talk to for days without being boring, who would make me excited for the day ahead, and movies, and life in general.

I haven't cried over you since that talk we had And I wouldn't change how things ended - they simply had to.

But sometimes ... sometimes the little, tiny, whisper-like voice in my head says "How long will you still love him?"

[ket-astrophe]

One month more tired

So, you're a gamer? - he asked. And I got oh so much more tired. No, I'm not a gamer, I'm not "the botanist" I'm not my job title, I'm not my sexuality, I'm not the money in my bank, I'm not the friendly face that greets you, I'm not the annoyed scream into the pillow, I'm not my playstation, I'm not my dog, I'm not my anxiety.

I am a human being that contains multitudes. I am everything, and your little mind can't comprehend that. My universe consists of books, movies, games, puppies, trainings, laughters, sorrow, bills, rentals, paper and plastics, good and bad.

I am more than a tag you made me out to be.

So.... Hi, my name is Ket, and today I will be unboxing- myself.

[ket-astrophe]

Disappointment 

"I'll always be there for you, no matter what". We promised to each other.

I was there when you moved out, Found you a place, movers, helped put paintings on the walls, negotiated the price. "Ket, help, something's wrong" I was there at 4 AM when you needed to go to ER, Talked to the doctors for you, Picked up your meds afterwards.

"How do you get matches on tinder?" you asked, And I delivered. Made your profile look sparkling and exciting - all the things that you're not. You finally got a match.

"Do you have a big pot I could borrow?" The text message said, and I chuckled, and laughed, And drove it by the very next day.

-Hey, can you help me, I'm struggling. I said. The caption quote "read" But he did not respond until I no longer needed him.

-Hey, could we hang out? I wrote. He didn't text back for the entire day.

"Could you help me with my dog like you said you would?" the reply was curt- He's sorry, but something came up.

Like a masochist I go back to the place I left because sometimes it seems like if I forget the pain nothing else will stay inside my head. My mind yells and screams and shouts and I want to spew in your face "YOU SAID WE WILL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS". But just like the relationship, the friendship stayed the same. Me giving my 100 and getting around 20 percent instead.

You suddenly adore my nephews and miss my niece, All the while you ignored them, when they "came to visit me". You miss the Sunday dinners I used to drag you to. You complained about them so much - you ruined my appetite for them too.

You miss talking to me, and us hanging out, But don't make an effort to call, text, chat (unless it's an emergency).

You You You

You fucking lied. And it hurts to admit. That these are the first tears I've cried over you 'Cause you were shit.

I never doubted I made the right choice leaving you, Because you are like a mountain, I always had to come to you.

I look at pictures on my phone, And in the background - there you are. Always sitting at the desk, Stroking keyboards one by one. I can't delete you from my life, No matter how hard I might try.

You call my moves petty, and spoiled and lame. When you're too chicken shit to do the same. (You just bitch to me when you need a sympathetic ear)

But you're no longer someone I know, Just someone I flew by.

Because you dream of utopia, While I'm creating mine.

I got a promotion, I stand up for my colleagues, I stand up for myself. I do things and ask things, I change. I say it like it is and daily make new friends. I'm pretty, I'm free, I'm living life that I made for me. I no longer need you, I pity your life, Your empty-promisses land.

I no longer need you. You still need me.

I'll just let that sink in.

[ket-astrophe]

Just fucking leave me alone

You're not special. You're not the one. You are nothing to me, But a one night stand.

Stop trying to make us happen. It will never fucking be More than meaningless sex, That honestly wasn't mention-worthy.

I don't want your x's or o's. Stick to what you (so smugly said) know (btw, you don't). Don't hold your breath for my response, You're currently on mute.

We fucked and it was lame, Lick your wounds, And disappear the fuck away.

Stop with the texts, Enticing callouts. I'm not interested. Do not show up.

If you wanted something more, Find it with someone else. I've got shit to do, And your name is nowhere on that list.

Waste your time Like you did so far. With cheap bear and crappy music. Living with your parents, Like you're not 37. Don't dream of me, 'Cause I will barf If you text me again. You pathetic, Old, Sad, Fuck.

[ket-astrophe]

A kiss with a mister 

I haven't been this nervous to meet with someone since ... well, high school. I came to our meet spot 5 minutes early only to pace around and imagine in my head all kind of scenarios where you don't show up. Or just turn around and leave. But you didn't.

You came and looked just like I imagined you. Gorgeous, with wild hair and beard, little smile lines around your eyes and a thick accent that made me want to listen to you oh so much more.

We went to a bar of your choice and drank, talked, made inappropriate jokes. We stayed there for 4 hours and covered more ground than I do with most people.

You're so easy to talk to.

I got tipsy, and so did you - just a tiny bit. We arranged another date and it felt natural.

You felt so familiar to me, as if I've known you for ages, and not just a couple of weeks.

You paid the bill and I promised to cover the next one.

You hugged my goodbye. And then you kissed me with that kiss that makes your knees weak, your heart skip a beat, and leaves you wanting so much more.

I can't wait to talk to you tomorrow, see you soon, kiss you again, meet you more. Explore your body.

I can't wait.

And yet I have to.

Even I have to admit, I like you. My new, honest, not-so-mysterious man.