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Tabula Rogeriana  (2011) by DAVIDE MONTELEONE

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Your pain, your happiness, your love. All of it is temporary and I think there is something beautiful about that.

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Workout For Daily Life

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Boy, relationships are hard. 

Had a talk with Alex yesterday and he wants to keep things casual. He had totally valid reasons. And honestly, I need to get myself in a better place emotionally before I can commit. But I really like him, so it’s going to be hard to take that step back. I’ve got a lot to think about.

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I finally updated the “about” section on my blog and changed it from a grid view to a single column! I’d like to update the “about” post too, since it’s about a year old now, as well as add a list of tags I use so you guys can better navigate my page.

Also is there any content you’d like to see from me in the future? More product lists? Other trich- or anxiety-related tips? Stories about my personal experience? Whatever you’ like to see, let me know! 

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Hello again

Well, it’s been a few months and a lot has changed. I guess it’s time for another update. I really want to be more active on this blog, but I’m barely active on my main blog anymore. So we’ll see what happens. 

Last time I posted something here, I was dealing with a bad breakup. Or sort of breakup (aka the guy I was dating ghosted me). It was really hard. I’m already insecure as it is, so having someone disappear from my life without a word was heart-breaking. But, I survived. And I’m stronger because of it. 

Funny enough, I’ve started dating someone else. I had been on Tinder and Bumble following Tyler and my “break up,” but wasn’t getting anywhere. I went on a few dates but wasn’t clicking with anyone. Then a coworker of mine (who I had a crush on when he first started working with us but knew he would be transferring offices. Plus he had a girlfriend at the time) was in town and we met up for drinks and really hit it off. I wasn’t expecting it at all. We were both only there to hang out as work friends, but we walked away with something more. It all happened so fast. I won’t bore you with the details but we’ve started dating. We haven’t officially labeled the relationship yet, but things are going well. He’s incredibly sweet and communicative and egalitarian. And we have a lot in common. I always thought I felt comfortable around Tyler, but I really feel comfortable with Alex. Like on a different level. The only problem is he lives an hour away, which makes it hard to see each other. Especially because he’s so busy. But he lives in the city I was already planning on moving to, so hopefully that strain decreases after the move.

And yes, I’m moving! Nothing is official yet because it wouldn’t be until the summer. But my friend and I are serious about it. We’ve been around the city twice now to look at neighborhoods. I’m excited. Terrified, but excited. I think it’ll be good for me. The anticipation of moving kills me sometimes. I am so ready to get out of here. I’m thankful my parents have let me stay this long but...it’s time. 

I just feel like I’m in limbo here at my parents place. I’m an adult, but I can’t really act like an adult. I don’t have the independence I need, even though my parents try to give me space. It gives me anxiety. Plus, I’ve been feeling kind of bored lately. I need to try new things and meet new people and grow as a person, but it’s hard while I’m here. I might write another post about these specific feelings sometime because I could go on for a while. Basically, I’ve just felt extremely unfulfilled lately.

My pulling has been awful, as usual. My eyelashes are essentially gone and my brows are pretty bare. But, good news! I got some referrals for a psychologist. I just have to make the appointment. Which might take a while because I hate calling doctors, but I think it’s a good first step. I’m hoping finally going to therapy will help me overcome the struggles I’ve had the past few years. 

Although my anxiety has spiked again in the past two weeks, I still have high hopes for 2018! Hope all is well with you guys!

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Repeat after me:

These feelings will pass

These feelings will pass

These feelings will pass

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are you ever so sad that you can actually feel your heart ache

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Prepare yourselves, ya’ll, because I’m fucking miserable 

So last time I mentioned I was seeing someone. Well, that ended. I had been going well. Really well. I mean, there were issues too. I was anxious about us not having put a label on the relationship yet. I was dealing with some insecurities since I hadn’t been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. But regardless, I was fairly comfortable with him. And I always had a good time with him. Honestly, seeing him was always the highlight of my week. 

But then around mid-October he started canceling plans. First it was because he was visiting family (he had mentioned that might be the case though.) The second time he had a flat tire. The third time he never got my message. Then, the next week, he said he had the flu. So we barely talked that week. That Saturday, he never texted me. I didn’t text him either. I was frustrated, feeling like I’d been putting in all the effort the past two weeks. I waited until Sunday morning. I sent a simple “Hey, how are you feeling?” But nothing. Hours later. “Tyler, is everything okay?” Nothing. And we haven’t spoke since. 

I was, and still am, hurt, confused, and angry. We had dated for almost 2 months. He had seem totally invested in it going further. He had offered to meet two of my best friends. He offered to briefly meet my parents. We talked about going to Chicago together. He let me spend the night on three different occasions. He spent the night at my house once (the last time I saw him in person.) He had offered his apartment to me (temporarily) when I talked about apartment hunting in that city. I thought we had something good going. So when he disappeared, it left me reeling. 

I cried, I’ll admit it. Like I said, I hadn’t dated anyone for four years. I hadn’t opened myself up to someone in four years. And then I did, and those feelings were not returned. And that’s fucking devastating. To make matters worse, we still follow each other on social media. He still watches my snap stories. But I don’t have the heart to block him. It’s been three weeks, and I only today muted him on Twitter and unfollowed him on Facebook. 

I know I should be angry. I know I should be furious. And, at times, I am. How dare he disrespect me like that. How could he spend two months with me, talking to me almost non-stop, and then not have the courage to reject me. Not even to my face, but over text. 

But part of me just fucking misses him. Or at least the way he made me feel (it’s really hard to separate those two sometimes). Sometimes I get so worked up I want to scream and call him and ask him what happened. Was it something I said? Was I not good enough? 

But I also recognize that if he couldn’t bother to work out whatever issue he was having at two months in, what could have happened in three months? Six months? A year? Ghosting is a clear sign of immaturity. So, in a way, I’m thankful. 

But whenever I’m tired or stressed or otherwise upset, my sadness comes bubbling up. Some days it’s really hard to fight. I’ve started running again to help ward off the negative thoughts. But it doesn’t always help. 

I just feel like there are three sides of me. The logical side that knows that, unfortunately, this is for the best. That I’ll get over him, eventually. That I’ll find someone who loves me and doesn’t disrespect me in this way. And the illogical side that is holding out for closure. That believes that, one day, I’ll learn what happened and then I can feel at piece. And lastly, the delusional side that believes that he’ll change his mind. That one day he’ll text me, apologizing profusely, I’ll yell at him, and we’ll work past it. 

I know which side I need to take. But that doesn’t make it easy. 

I have been so volatile lately (since before Tyler and I started seeing each other). It’s hard for me to stick to one emotion. Every day is a blank slate, Today, for example, was a bad day. I’m trying not to beat myself up for having these bad days. I know I need time to heal. But I also know that he’s back on the dating app we originally met on. So part of me wants to move on now. 

I am back on a dating app as well, though. I went on a date last week but it didn’t go well. I said I was going to take a break after that, but I quickly caved. I know it was because I was craving some kind of validation. I’ve been chatting with some guys this week but I’ve quickly become overwhelmed and I’ve started unmatching with them, one by one. Part of me feels bad because, in a way, I’m ghosting them. But I never met any of them in person. So it’s not like what Tyler did to me. But it does show that maybe I should have waited. I gave two guys my number, but I think I’m going to tell one of them that I’m too preoccupied with personal stuff (I mean, that is the truth, isn’t it?). 

All in all, I’m thankful for the time I had with Tyler. It was nice to have experienced something like that after so long of not seeing anyone. But it fucking sucks that it had to end this way. 

I’ll be okay, in the end. I think I just take longer to heal, thanks to my anxiety and other insecurities. Also I was the one who was ghosted, not him. I was the one left in the lurch. I need to focus on myself, which isn’t easy. But the longer I keep focusing on Tyler and trying to imagine what he must think of me, the longer I’ll keep feeling this way. 

I’m tired of hurting. 

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Hi friends,

Sorry I disappeared again. I don’t think I can even make another queue right now. Hopefully in a few days I’ll have something up, but right now I think I’m too exhausted. Just a few life updates:

1. I’m so burnt out from work. I’m used to working too different projects at once, which is actually really helpful because it breaks up my day. But for the past month I’ve just been writing articles and it’s, frankly, really boring. Also the desk aspect of my job is really wearing on me. And I find that the beige-ness of the office either gives me a headache or just makes me sad (seriously, the whole office is just varying shades of beige). I love my coworkers but if something doesn’t change soon, I’m going to start hating it. 

2. I’m ready to move out. I don’t know if I can, financially, but I really want to. I’ve been living at home again for a little over a year now and I’m ready to be on my own. I think. Basically, I need a roommate, but I don’t know where to find one. And, again, I need to budget to make sure I can actually afford to leave. But my town is starting to bore me and I’m tired of listening to my family yell at each other and I’m tired of having to tell my parents where I am at all times. 

3. I’ve started dating someone. We’ve been seeing each other for a little over a month now. We’re still not official (in that we haven’t explicitly defined our relationship as “girlfriend/ boyfriend”) but we’re both not seeing anyone else nor are we using the dating app we met on. It’s been a lot of fun getting to know him. But at the same time, I haven’t dated anyone in like...4 years. And even then, I’ve never dated anyone for longer than a month. So this is a new experience for me. And I have the anxiety to prove it. I think he’s pretty open about mental health stuff, but at the same time, I don’t think I can talk to him about it. We’re sort of long distance (he lives an hour away), and sometimes that aspect stresses me out. Also, I’m just trying to come to terms with my body image issues and other insecurities that are impacting my romantic life. So it’s been a weird (but good I think?) roller coaster. 

4. My trich has been BAD. Like, really bad. Like, the worst it has ever been. My eyebrows are really thin, especially on the right side. I have hardly any eyelashes on either eye. I’ve been pulling a lot behind my left ear, which isn’t too bad because it’s easy to find, but earlier this evening I found a sizeable bald patch on the top of my head, which was pretty upsetting. I’ve decided I need to see a therapist, so I’m going to call some people tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes.

So that’s why I’ve been so absent recently. Like I said, hopefully I’ll have a queue back up in a few days. But right now I just need to process everything. Hope all is well with you all! 

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@stevienick hmm that's a really good point! Okay I will!!

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QUICK I NEED ADVICE

okay so last Saturday my friend convinced me to download a dating app and I matched with this cute guy and we've been chatting all week and we originally made plans to see each other next weekend. But my plans changed and somehow we're hanging out this Monday.

SO. My dilemma. My trich has been really bad recently and I have like no eyelashes. Should I attempt to wear falsies, which I've never really done before? Or should I just go natural? I don't want to scare him off, but I also don't want to set a standard where, if I see him again, I have to keep wearing the lashes

Thoughts??

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Total Solar Eclipse

August 21, 2017

Photo Credit: NASA/Joel Kowsky