kevunazo - Tumblr blog

[kevunazo]

Am I not enough?

Finding a partner shouldn't be too hard right? Part of being a human is that you eventually, find a partner with whom you will share your genes to reproduce a tiny version of both. Millions do it every year, possibly even every day. (Tried finding some accurate scientific result, but the closest thing I found was a Quora answer saying at any moment there are 1 million people having sex around the whole world, which still helps my point so I’ll take it) I see people with little to no education or financial support finding their own version of love, having kids and a family. Struggle is sure to follow but they have found a partner nonetheless. When I was younger I used to think that finding a girlfriend would be mathematically impossible. What are the odds that from all the girls I know, the one I like (either by choice or chance, probably both, idk) happens to coincidentally be also someone who likes me too. Really, like what are the odds of that? Then later I realize that it isn't a matter of choice, but rather action I can take. However, as my early twenties pass by without that significant other, I wonder if my younger self was onto something. I feel like what I struggle the most is the realization that I'm living my younger years. The years where I'm supposed to go on crazy adventures and fall madly in love of the wrong person, which will make me grow and in turn improve my later, more mature, relationships. But I'm still here, sitting in my room alone at 1 am typing away on my phone. It's not  crazy to understand how being in this position for this long can play mind tricks on you. I can't stop but think that I'm simply not enough. Like I could be doing something different to change and improve onto a version that someone else is going to like. I know it sounds stupid, but for the longest time I've tried the opposite approach, where I convince myself I'm already awesome, and the other person just has to see it. And we all know how that turned out. I get filled with petty anger and subconscious resentment when I see how easy it can be for others to find that special someone. I'm not even talking about "the one", but even just someone who is openly and lovingly sharing affection and intimacy. These days even just the validation feels like fresh water for a man who crossing a hot ass desert. Isn't love what's most valuable? It makes sense that it would be hard to come by, but it sure doesn't seem that way for so many. It's not right to feel this way, i know, and I always try to rationalize so that it doesn't take a toll on me, but damn does it still hurt. I'm not supposed to settle for less that great either, right? And of course those amazing women are always not single. I wish finding love wouldn't require me to spend hours and dollars on dating apps, only to be treated as a low tier bot who just has the potential to provide some validation. Today I learned apparently it's not uncommon for girls to use dating apps exclusively to get validation, never for dates. I wish finding love wouldn't require me to read self help books to turn me into the "best version" of my self. Or is it that any other version of me is not deserving of love? I wished finding love wouldn't require me to push my skills to talk to strangers in every public event. Like I'm going to charm any girl with my awkwardness, right. I wished I didn't have to feel pressured to go out every weekend because how else am I going to meet this special someone? Dating apps are the alternative and remember what we say to daring apps: fuck that shit. I wished I wasn't so comfortable being single, which I have always considered a blessing all my life, but currently feeling more like a curse that won't let leave myself. But then again, it's probably a natural coping mechanism generated from my years of singleness. Finally, I wished someone could just see it. See me and find me as captivating and loving as I see myself. I wish it wasn't as hard for lust to be reciprocated. But to be fair, I'm not out there all the time to push my desires to be heard. I have so much to give and no one to give it to. The yard has been ready for a picnic for so long that I'm considering if it's even worth mowing the lawn when no one is going to use it. This pitiful write up is the honest truth of my heart. I will probably still wake up the next day and continue working on myself, improving my social skills, expanding my knowledge and culture. All in the hopes to be able to connect to others at the a deep level and connect those around me with each other. Why else am I here for? Pity aside, I've actually been good at convincing myself that I'm ok if I don't find anyone to share this love with, but every now and then I feel a burning need to write it up to remind myself that I'm not ok with it, and that's just fine.

[kevunazo]

The battle: Running away or fighting

Ever since I tried LSD I have been more aware of my own self identity. Who am I? Why am I here? What do I what I do? Why do I feel the way I feel? That last question has been the most lingering and the lack of an answer has been bogging me lately. I believe there are many healthy ways to become more aware of our emotions and to learn to understand them. I could talk with a therapist, which could really be helpful given that they are trained to deal with troubled minds. I could meditate more often and take more time on the day to sit down and just let my mind think away. I could write down my thoughts as a journal, which is what I am doing now. No matter the solution, I feel like it's best to first define the problem. If I am not aware of what's wrong, then how could I begin to work on fixing it. There are many buried memories, thoughts and emotions, and I will do my best to put them in the table and really face each of them in its eye. My main motivation behind all of this is my lingering fear of trying psychodelics again. In about a week I'll be going to Colorado with a group of yet to meet friends, and I am set on giving psychodelics another chance. I am not very sure on what to expect, since I have only tried LSD before and I have learned that the effects are very different from shrooms. In my last LSD trip, my second one ever, which started as a very strong trip (having taken 1.5 tabs, so around 300 microgram, along with my highschool best friend) derailed into the infamous "bad-trip". I could see horrible faces and teeth everywhere, almost as if looking at me laughing. I saw monsters with the face of pennywise the clown, so definitely not a pleasant thing to look at. I was so scared and anxious because it wouldn't go away, and no matter what I tried, those images would persist for the rest of the trip. There were a few times in between where the bad images would take a break and it was usually when I interacted with other people, but for the most part the constant anxiety made it feel like I was running away from the demons instead of facing them. It wasn't a great experience and I don't wish that upon anyone. So now my question is why? Why did I feel like that? Why was I not mentally ready to face those images instead of run away? Was the running away that caused it to linger and get worst? -> most likely yes. For the majority of the trip I felt incredibly vulnerable and needy. I called for my sister to be with me because I felt troubled without her, to the point I had to sleep with her because the bad thoughts would come otherwise. So here I am, trying to make sense of what is going inside my head. I want to be ready not for if those thoughts and images come into my head during the trip, but for when they inevitably do. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, the fact that I am so scared to have that happen again is probably what will cause it to happen again. So at this point I have the following choices: 1. Never try any psychodelic ever again, seek therapy for healing. 2. Try psychodelics again, face my demons and get out of it a new man. But as with any battle, I risk losing. Therefore, I gotta do all I can in my power to be best prepared for it. Brainstorming about what things I could do lead me to this list: 1. Define the demons and issues following me around. This allow me to be aware of who they are and why they are there in the first place. This could be a good time to schedule a 1:1 with a therapist. 2. Answer the question of why am I afraid? Why do the demons scare me? Part of me believes they don't go away, but rather they stick and I gotta figure how to live with them, in harmony without them controlling my life 3. Do hard things. This will increase my unconscious self-steem and confidence. The list of things to do every day would be: A. Exercise every day. B. NoFap up to the trip. C. No weed up to the trip. D. Meditation every day, including the days at the trip. E. Cook at least 1 meal for each of the weekdays, no matter how small the meal. F. Work no less than 8 hours each day including lunch. 4. Do my best to connect 1:1 with every other person in the Colorado trip and be a more trustworthy resource for others joining in the shrooms trip, not for me, but for them. 5. Connect and talk with my new guitar teacher who I can ask about psychodelics tips and general advice for the trip. So that is what I will be doing this week. Wish me luck. I shall write might thoughts during the experience and will report on how it went.

[kevunazo]

Who is Kevin?

Facts

Short guy who works as an engineer and it's not really known for being super amazing at his job or anything else really. Came from Mexico to the US to study but got paid all his tuition from his Dad. Is obsessed with music but hasn't really shown to be an amazing musician except for his Spotify song that some people really liked, including myself. Is not afraid of controversial conversations and is very open about sexuality and topics like masturbation and sex with is friends. He seems at ease with himself and usually speaks confidently. In a group setting can be sometimes overwhelming how much spacetime he takes even though he calls himself introverted. He has shown to have a degree of discipline by his own achievements or their pursuits, but he also overshares goals which don't get completed or are left in a constant state of "in-progress". He is friendly and open to others. Is not quick to judge at first hand but also doesn't hesitate to complain about things if it really bothers him, but usually only to his closest friends. He has diverse hobbies that make him interests multidimensional, which explains why he's not that hard to talk to. That doesn't mean that he knows a lot about all of those topics or that he is constantly working with them, but rather that he can find a common emotion from a story or a regular interest in common that would match with yours. Here is a list of his hobbies and interests (favorite at the top, though bottom ones are not ranked): Music Movies Videogames and it's technology People and psychology Traveling and going on adventures with strangers Soccer, Volleyball and Tennis City planning Hikes Psychodelics and other mind altering substances Ice skating and snowboarding Documentaries of all kinds, specially those about modern problems Chess and other boardgames Dancing to music at a club or with friends Bar hopping and night drinking Dogs and other domestic animals Interior design and furniture arrangement He tends to forget things a lot, probably due to the alcohol damage and the long-term effects of marijuana. Is moderately disorganized but knows when it is time to clean up. Has issues being punctual but gets frustrated when others aren't. He exercises moderately, a few times a week and goes to the gym in different intervals of "frequently" vs "infrequently" across the years. He likes going on runs but not so much as he used to do back in college (he ran a half-marathon back then). He cares for his family and friends, even if they don't occupy his mental time in a daily bases. He is quick to stand by those who get is loyal to but tends to only socialize with those geographically close to him. A long-distance relationship probably won't be a good idea. He has a very deserted archive of romantic relationships, though a few of them very important for him at the time and still taught him lessons that carries over the years. His main chronological romantic interests have been the following: - Samara - High School - Met at Mandarin class project - No explicit action taken besides going to the movies or asking her to a concert. Most likely not to be reciprocated. - Maddy - 2nd year of Uni - First Kiss and first girl drama. Lots of mistakes and lots of learning too. - Sam - First Microsoft Internship - Lost virginity and first "summer fling" Caused the best summer of his life. - Redacted - 2020 - Redacted Has perpetual feelings of loneliness that fuel his feeling for female approval. This explains his lack of ability to make female friends compared to male ones. Despite the couple instances where other girls have shown to be affectionate towards him, he is still insecure about his ability to be attractive. However, he has proved time and time again his wit to pursue those that he is very interested in, overcoming his fears of rejection. He has come to terms with his reality and the possible partner-lonely future and focuses his attention towards improving himself, despite showing no positive results in his dating life yet. Despite his shortcomings, he is open to learning about ways to improve himself for the purposes of improving his relationships. This means that his main driver for self-improvement is the potential positive effect it can have in his relationship: with himself (intrapersonal) and with others (friendly and romantic)

[kevunazo]

The Puzzle

Life. 

...

Why do people do what they do? We all live and eventually die. We all mourn when it happens, yet we embrace it as a fact while at the same time avoid it. Our biology is actively avoiding it while our soul knows that it will always be there. Do any other animals do that?  Can they consciously be aware of their unavoidable death?

Why do I exist? Is that even the right question, as if asking why already implies there can be a reason for it. I believe not everything has an inherent explanation. Yes, we can all provide a list of reasonings for why things happen. Some of the answers are axiomatic, like oh that ball is bouncing back at me because of Newton’s 3rd law of action and reaction. We labeled that effect and have used it to predict our universe and it so far has been working. In that regard, science is awesome because it allows us to construct a picture of a universe. Like building a puzzle starting from the center without knowing how many pieces total are there if there is even a limited amount of pieces. It looks like the more we find the more realize we are missing.

If there were to exist a manual on how to construct the puzzle, math would be one of the languages used in a separate book that explains the reasoning for why the manual is what it is (Math can also be used for other purposes like counting and other money laundry activities) We find a piece, we try to make sense of where it goes, and we look at the manual that tells us where things go. Then after looking at all of the listed instructions we see that there isn’t an explanation for that piece yet. We panic. Then either declare that the piece is something unexplainable and proceed to fear it; OR we let go of the need to explain and instead to appreciate it for what it is; OR  that there must be some way to fit that piece in the puzzle while adding instructions for why we think it is there AND on top of that, being able to defend the reasoning for why those instructions, which includes not having it contradict or paradox any of the preexisting instructions for the other pieces. FUCK THAT SOUNDS HARD. Hats off to those who are scientists and get off by doing that.

What if the puzzle is actually like a Rubix cube and we are only solving for one face only, the one that we are physically able to reason about - It is important to notice that we are way past understanding and reasoning about things that we are not able to experience - (That is basically what linear algebra is <o.o> It allows us to store and operate over information that is in higher spatial dimensions, even if we can’t actually physically experience anything beyond a 3rd dimension) - Are we solving for only one piece of the Rubiks cube because the rest of the faces we are not able to detect. Is that why we haven’t found life beyond us, because maybe there is life beyond 3 dimensions and we can’t and will not ever be able to experience. Maybe there is a God behind it all or maybe it is all just meaningless, there is no in-between.

...

What if there isn’t any puzzle,  to begin with? There never was. Our survival-focused brain has evolved to create patterns to find solutions to our problems, and that is helpful to stay alive. But what good is building a puzzle using a manual we are creating ourselves (using a language we also made ourselves, which to be fair is really cool that we did)

[kevunazo]

Fuck

I just lost like 1 hour of writing because I left to get my headphones to listen to music, came back to the computer and my post was no longer visible, and with it my writing was gone. It feels amazing, this rage, I am glad I can still feel something. Anyways, here is my best attempt at rewriting what I had before. Although probably with a more angry tone. ----- Around 5 years ago I wrote my last Tumblr post. The proverbial college-adult-experience was definitely life changing because I completely forgot I even had this blog to begin with. Here is my attempt at explaining how I even thought of finding it. I have been very nostalgic lately (what is your time length for the word “lately”, put it in the comments down below!) and I was too weak (or strong depending on how you see it) to the emotion that I unleashed a happy-sad train of actions that eventually lead to finding this blog. Here are some examples of it, not necessarily in chronological order. 1. Sent a message to my old Harmond Hall messenger group where no one had sent a message in 8 years. Sadly, no one else replied though. 2. Chatted with the now 1-year-old-eurotrip-lisbon-barcrwal friend group on WhatsApp. They all confirmed how much they enjoyed the trip. (Yay! for emotional validation) 3. Sent a message to an old college class-friend (Def: A person you meet in the context of a school class, with whom you are friendly towards, almost at the point where you would hangout outside class at a time strictly NOT right after the class you are in, but that nonetheless you just end up being friends only the context of school) and chatted about the good times we had working on our SWEN project. 4. Found an old podcast created by Magic Mike and Dirty Dan, who were my early college friends. I helped produce the podcast back in freshman year and upon finding it I had to send it to the respective creators. Only Dirty Dan has responded so far. 5. From looking into my kevinenchinacochina.tumblr.com blog, I was able to find the blogs of my former mandarin-class classmates. From there I adventured to log in and found that I had more than 1 blog Anyways, a very good time for sure. I haven’t written at all in a couple of months so this is a good return I will try to post my best writings from my Google Keep notes and my acid trip notes too, just so that I can read my older thoughts across all of the internet, and maybe, who knows, maybe others might end up reading them too and they too shaking their head at the stupid shit I have to say

[kevunazo]

Bowls and Balls

Just 10 hours away from by first college class. I had a realy awesome week. From tuesday to saturday we got orientation activites, from ice brakers to talks about rape culture. I met my roommate and my front door roommates who are really cool guys. We all four of us are getting close friends. One of the other front door room got a car so he can drive us wherever we want, simple but so usefull for any situation. The other guy is from china and is trying to assit me with chinese as I try to teach him basic spanish. I kind of made friends with some of my OA group (orientation a??group, thats how its called idk) cool guys but not really my style to be close friends. Only two of them were actually really nice and I get to talk and meet them closer than the other ones. One that is from Hawai and talks spanish and the otherone is in the Game Disign major and knows a lot of programming. I went to a lot of activities and met a lot of people as it is expected for a freshman to do. I went to see a magician and a hipnotist, both were super awesome but the hipnotist was just so AMAZING that i was dying of laughter I would like to get more into how was it but there is so much to talk about it. One of the orientation days was used to get to know about my major and the facilities that are available for me on campus; I got to know my course advisor and I fixed my schedule a little bit so I don’t go to Intruduction to Theatre. It is shocking to see how a simple decision made in les than 5 seconds can change your future in so many ways. In that day, in one of the meetings, we got to know our course advisor in a classroom. There were not so many chairs left so I couldn’t decide where to sit and I just picked ramdon. I sat next to a guy who had a hearing-assist device kind of thing on one ear. His name is Winston. He turned out to be a really nice guy. We talked a little bit and we kind of liked each other personalities so we just start talking about a lot of stuff after the meetings. Then we had to make teams depending of a piece of paper that we recieved. Each person had 1 piece of paper with 2 letters from the word “computer”. So we had to find other 3 guys that would make the word computer. We and my friend got split up so we did not met again until later. We did some activities later and the same for every day. I add Winston on skype and started talking. It turned out that he also played League of Legends like me, and he as well watches lolesports. He is so into it as me, and the funny part is that we never talked about that when we met the first time. Today we saw the LCS finals together on the floor lounge and it was all fun. So now I just got to resist 1 semester of clases and keep in touch with the people that I met all these days. I wish I could elaborate more about my roomate and my front door friends but I will post more about it later. For now I’m just trying to improve my english, as I got some problems when my friends are talking too fast or when I try to talk about some things and I can’t pronounce the words correctly and we end talking about buying testicles with milk and cereal insted of a bowl.

[kevunazo]

Winter is not coming

It’s just one day before the American students move-in to the university, and I found in myself in my room writing because I want to do something similar to what I did with my one month trip to China. This time written in english and whenever I can. First things first: The trip. Just as expected, family sad but proud and shit, my mother was the most sentimental one about it. Minutes before I left my house in Puebla I started thinking, thinking about the whole picture. Since I stared doing the admission proccess and getting all the paperwork done until that time I hadn’t thought about it as a whole picture. I mean I HAD thought about it, though not thinking about what really scares me: Change.

It was a suddent reallization, cliché i know but it is true. While I was packing my computer and my stuff in my room I saw the emptiness of the my room and it just looked weird, just moving my case, keyboard and mouse  my room had instantly changed. “This is not how this works, my computer goes here”. I sat and thought for the first time that from that moment and on my room will never going to be as it was, as I liked it. And that was the problem. How could I be sure if I liked the change. Being for 4 years, or even more, outside of my country, knowing absolutely no one, with a foreing langauge, in a dorm room where I will sleep with a complete strager for at least 4 months. The hit was hard and it made me feel weak. I kept the schedule and did the trip as planned.

I took a plane to NYC and then a train to Rochester. Holly shit the train. Never ever ever EVER FUCKING EVER going to halt at NYC when going to Rochester. Its like 7 hours in car  and 8 hours in train. Our thinking process before the trip was: We get to NYC we go to the station, document the baggage and the buy some stuff before the train leaves. We were so wrong. We get to JFK at 6 am and then we passed through inmigration at 7. After that all was just pain and frustration. The Penn train station was really far from the airport. Luckly my dad brought a map and we could get a better idea of how to get there. We entered the wrong train and we rounded the airport. We took a 30 min subway trip standed with baggage. It was a hard trip. Im pretty sure my feet bleed after that. Once we get to Penn Station we documented our baggage and left to see the city. We got 5 hours to eat and buy. It is a really strange city. They got a lot of weird and nice people. La calora was really hard, it was really hot and sunny. Anyway we took our 7 hour train with one 1 hour stop, in where some girls got down and never returned at time, and we got to rochester at midnight.

I was really worried about my baggage since only 3 passengers including me and my father drop from the train at the station. We didn’t see any place to calim the baggage. After half an hour they open a metal blind and we got everything. We took a 35 dollar taxi to the hotel. Shit hotel with only one bed and horrible service. Not the best wellcome the city.

The day after I went to the RIT (the university) and got my room at the residence halls. The weather is so hot in summer here, though at winter it is so cold and full of snow that there are tunnels that connect all buildings.

I’ve done some orientation and tour around the compus with my father. RIT is really cool. They have a lot of stuff and activities and clubs and services and dinning services and everything I can imagine. My worries that I got since I packed my computer were dissapearing. My dad left yesterday in the morning to Mexico. Now I am in my own.

Tomorrow my roomie arrives, but still I’m wating for winter to come.

-Sorry for grammar and spell, Im not correcting anything, I will check my mistakes though but I will leave the original version so that I see how I improve.