khayalsana - Tumblr blog

[khayalsana]

No. But, this isn't the kind of love I was expecting. It doesn't consume me. Ya it makes me feel something. Yaa it's there. But I don't sweat. I don't feel exhausted. I don't feel the rush going down my spine. I need extra. And I feel sorry for that. Well i should be feeling sorry for I don't have anybody whom I can call mine. Its just a litttel but of sparkle I'm picking from everywhere.

[khayalsana]

Very often these days, I wonder how cool it would be if I went to college. Not like I didn’t go officially, but physically I could never attend college and be a part of all the fun and problems college life brings to you. I was working, all the while when people were asking their parents for expense, I was sharing mine with others. Not that it’s wrong to be dependent on someone, I just wish I could also be one day, dependent on someone and go to sleep peacefully not caring about who’s paying the bill. I am glad I went through all this, and I wouldn’t want this to be taken away from me, but these days I just wonder, if I could have someone help me to cross the road and lift the heavy delicate boxes while I’m shifting to a new place. I’m not asking for a partner, a guy or a man, just someone whom I can depend on sometimes. Cause not everyone of us mature naturally, some of us have to grow at small ages and be the caretaker. Never had a tapri Vaali chai, or a college guy broke my heart, never bunked a class and went to a movie, never proposed a senior or rejected a junior , never had friends who would hit on me casually, never had a “college life”.

[khayalsana]

The ice is all over my hair, the freezing cold weather numbs my lips, the air flowing simultaneously gushes through my spine all the way to my femur, I could feel my hair interrupting my view by biting my lips continuously, I couldn't remove them from my temples for it was too cold to take my hands out, the dry leaves were rattling on the dewy grass, presence of sun was as dim as if I'm trying to resist my affection for him, barely there. Squirrels were one over the other, it's better to be in groups in such chilling weather. I could hear the wind passing from one ear to another. Uncle and aunt Williams were on their way to theatre class, they are the most adorable people on street 9. I think this butterfly has come to greet me on this hazy day, for why else would she leave her cozy ambience and come see me. Little Amy would never listen to her mother, she has to play in the park until dawn, everyday. But what was I doing in such ordinary day with lots of hope?

Waiting for him, a little too tall for this world. A little too masculine for all the men that exist and have existed before. A little too deep than the oceans. His eyes made me forget the He dressed as some weird bafoon, with dhoti around his waist and bun on his head, round bracelets covering his wrist and white vermillion all over his forehead. He was a little too different, for when he came, the wind blew harder and animals gathered him like he's their hero. So kind, that kindness pays tribute to him, so humble that even the Kings beg to him, so powerful that lightening stops to strike when he twists and turns during sleep, so handsome like the wings of peacock and arrival of a rainbow, so mature that fore fathers worship him on venerations, so delightful that kids would share their candies with him. He had a charm like no one ever before. SHIVA is the most beautiful man to have ever sustained in this universe. And for him to choose me, makes me the most lucky woman ever, I shall be written in books and played in songs. For i love shiva, I shall be immortal, that he touched my toe. His warm chest would bring all the heat of the world into my bare lips and give me softness and comfort. I'm a only a petite dust particle, that wouldn't be noticed by anyone if lost. And the creater and destroyer, chooses to caress me, respect me and LOVE me. His hand as big as my face provides me with security when held tightly. Covers me when his neck brushes mine, every word from his mouth makes this universe tremor, he is so majestic, the stars shine when he blinks. But here he comes to be with me, to go on a walk, with our hands mingled, to street 10.

[khayalsana]

And what am I waiting for?

At dawn when the birds start to coo and fresh breeze caress every strand of my hair. When I look at the sky and the clouds and there are patterns drawn in them, and I try being a modern age artist; after the rain when all is quiet and greener than before, roads all clean and corns being sold at the side walk; with the stroke of sunlight falling on my face on a chilling Sunday morning; and playing with street dogs at midnight when all is asleep and pious and peaceful, when I am on a long trip to somewhere and I see green grassland and cattles rearing, in their most beautiful form; when I see the clearest sky at night and its time to count them again like a little baby cause you lost your brain at home and all you have is a heart ; when i visit the God and its all divine and powerful; when two rainbows colour the sky being one like nothing ever before ; like children playing on a street during their summer vacations, all sweaty but laughing from ears to ears; like long conversations during a car ride with our favourite songs being played; like happiness I feel after every new clothing piece I buy, when everytime I look in the mirror and I feel beautiful and attractive; when I came back home from school to watch my favourite cartoon, eating my favourite snacks and yelling at mom for no reason and every mindful thing that ever happened to me. And like everytime I feel like I am alive, I feel HOPE. Of sharing each of these with you and being with you one day. Hoping for each and every beautiful thing to happen with us. and I want you to kiss me so passionately everytime you realize you exist and i exist, I want you to hold me close tight to you everytime you breathe, I want you to make love to me everytime your heart beats. I want to be with you. In this world and life and coming lives. I want to be Yours if I exist. Or else I want to be gushed in all these things I mentioned and spread like a memory in every thing you experience and feel. Even If I never existed, I want you to know you're the most beautiful thing that has happened to this world and even God is proud of himself for creating someone like you. I miss you wherever I go and whatever I do, you complete me, satisfy me like no one else. You're my peace. You're my end. And in you and only you will I ever dissolve like the dust in tornado. You're me and I'M YOU. 💜

[khayalsana]

When I die, please don't cry

I see a green grassland with small birds chirping,

and black men with white wings at doors, guarding .

I see all the birds that have been extinct,

roaming and flying like a little king.

I see all the people not valued when they were alive,

sitting and talking on the bench about life.

I see no jealousy and harm, every man loved and unarmed.

I see no fear and distress among them,

just helping each other like smoked some hem.

I see no cast, no colour, no creed,

people with golden eyes and plants with diamond seeds.

I see small houses soft but sturdy,

lived there some dogs, one named jurdy.

He came to me and spoke about freedom,

he had a man's charm and a lot of wisdom.

He told me they lived, however they wanted to live,

the formula is very simple take less and more you give.

I look back at self and see mourn and tears,

my hair not beautiful and my dress wears.

My lips all pale and nostrils open,

All the shackles bw the life and death, broken.

I want to be put in a gorgeous satin gown,

my lips all pink and eyes all brown.

People laughing and merrying for all what i had done,

no sorrows to be mentioned and regrets left none.

I know they all miss me and cry but they will,

for they shall not ever worry, I am with them still.

They see me in little children and roses all they plant,

they do what makes them happy but cry they all can't.

They talk and walk the same they did,

like I never went somewhere, behind clouds I hid.

I watch them everytime they say,

we miss and love her if we may.

They know I'll never leave their side,

told you behind the clouds I hide.

I see them eating cupcakes and everything I liked ,

i want them to be happy, just like I never died. 💜

[khayalsana]

I come back home with the hope of feeling the warmth of your hands on my cheeks. I come back home with the hope of care you would do for me, when you see me all exhausted and tired. I come back home with the hope of hugging you from behind so that, no space is left between us. I come back home with the hope of feeding you dinner and talking with you about all what I did the whole day. I come back home with hope of you massaging my legs and back, pampering me. I come back home with the hope of fighting with you over pity things. I come back home with the hope of singing all our favourite songs together in our coarse and funny voices. I come back home with the hope of going on a long drive with you, eating our favourite ice creams. I come back home with the hope of taking care of your family and giving the respect that they deserve. I come back home with the hope of loving your dog, as much as you love her. I come back home with the hope of loving you....... I come back home with the hope of kissing every inch of your body, that you're insecure about. I come back home with the hope of making love to you until the next morning. I come back home with the hope of coming back home to you every single day. And I come back home to absolutely no one. I wonder if you ever think about me. 😢

I just hate to see myself this vulnerable. I don't think you or even anyone in this world wants me. I am a mess. I am not needed.I'm gonna die. I love you. 🖤

[khayalsana]

I can feel those fingers running though the gaps between mine. I can hear you calling out my name and that sigh you do at last when I don't hear. I can feel your imperfect dimples when I caresses your face, when you say you love me. I can feel all the jealousy you felt when you found people looking at me. It's so fresh, all over my body, all over my heart. I can feel you. I realized its love when I could feel everything you did and said. I realized I love you when could hear your messages in your voice. I realized I love you when you were the first person who came to my mind when something good or bad happened with me. I realized its love when I wanted you to be a part of my life and when I wanted to meet your family and impress them simultaneously. I realized its love when....... You held my hand and I breathed as fast as a horse, when you hugged me and my heart skipped a beat, when the thought of being apart from you almost killed me, when I craved for wanting to spent my life with you, when I started to miss you in crowds, when I wanted to wear what you told I looked good in, when I said I LOVE YOU. Having so much difficulty in saying that considering all the heartbreaks and insecurities I went through, all the trust issues. I said it. Cause you were special. You deserved it. And yes I LOVE YOU. But we can never be together. It would have been so good, had I been your priority. You still are the best. 💜

[khayalsana]

Why am I smiling in all those photos then? Why does it seem like I'm happy? Were we good together? Yes I clearly remember, we fought a lot, I remember all the pathetic fights and cursing, but why am I smiling in all those photos then? Were you my home? The home that feels like a prison sometime, the home with numeral bad memories but still feel like a home. I remember how you never let me go, I remember how you came back after every fight, and wanted to be with me. I remember how you just held me, tight, everytime we fought, everytime we broke into pieces. I remember the time, You and I were "We". Why do I feel like forgiving you for everything you did. Why do you appear to me the same young boy you used to be? How come I'm not mad at you anymore? How come I feel sorry for you, because I think you too have been through whatever I have been through. Am I forgiving you because I want liberation, or do I still have feelings for you? For you were the only person, who had never let me go. Whatever I did, wherever I went. Yes you shouted, yes you did a lot of swearing, but you never let me go, you stayed. For the longest time. For as long as I can remember.

All the good memories are coming rushing through the tunnel of our togetherness. Can't do anything about it though. There must be a lot of things which made me to not talk to you for an entire year, which I thought would never happen. I'll remember and think of the bad times, the problems, and stick with the reasons of not being with you. And yes you cheated. So.

[khayalsana]

Hey there 💜

[khayalsana]

Is it really about sex? Just wild and obnoxious? Just bout the cravings to be satisfied? about the needs to be fulfilled? Then why isn't everybody doing it with everybody? Why is there social civilizations? I don't think even if we got enough freedom and allowance, we'd start doing that, or maybe in the beginning some people would for say 10 times, and then what? Why we choose only one or certain amount of partners for that matter? Why are people not satisfied with their spouses, whom they can be physical with, anytime time they want, why do they end up in divorces? Because its not. Its about that smile, that appears when they look at you, it's about the hair that droops when the air is flowing, it's about the odour of the body, the size of the finger, the dry knees, the calming breath,the curve of their neck, the hair on the back, the jokes, the sorrows, the songs, the moods, the lips, the belly fat , the clothes, the memories, the heart, the chemistry, the promises, and the feeling of Belonging. You want all of it to be all over you. You want each one of these to be thumbing each part of your body and your flaws, gently or abruptly, you want to be felt like One. You feel safe with them and they feel like home. That's somethings you have always wanted, the urge to be called "Someone's" , the urge to be wanted, the urge to be belonging to a place you call home, you find your peaceful four walls inside and around that person, escalating your fondness of coition. Their smell drives you crazy and you want to exert it as a cologne at all the inches of your bod . You want every shade of them to be painted on each and very nook and corner you posses. You want to feel how it is to be Them! You choose to feel them either by being a master or slave, you choose to attain satisfaction by the most intimate way. How you may never have paid heed to any of these and how now you realize how badly you've wanted to be with that human. How you have wanted to be brushed by each part of their body on each part of your soul. How you are so desperate in love, that you sometimes feel like a hopeless loser. How you're scared of how much you want them and not afraid to say "sexually".