khenzyblog

[khenzyblog]

Reading my past blogs and remembering what I was going through..

I was breaking. My ego shattered. Like a cocoon, I emerged. The soft feminine me.

The me who I was aching to be. Who I was fighting tooth and nail not to be. Because I viewed it as weak.

He helped me. He brought me into my soft feminine era.. and I've never been stronger.

It takes a strong man to break the shell. I'm so happy I have him.

[khenzyblog]

Postpartum depression is no joke. Reach out to real people.. not some crummy anon Tumblr account 🙄🙄

Reposting so you see this when you run to Tumblr to rant again. Just in case ppd hits you again after January.

I feel really guilty, wanting to simply not exist anymore. While I watch my friend fight for her life. When I watch my baby see and do all the new things in life. When I watch my husband love unconditionally. When I hear my best friend laugh and tell me everything going on in her life.

Knowing what my absence would do to my family and friends.. That's what keeps me going...

I'm just going through it right now.. I have no intentions in killing myself. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired.

[khenzyblog]

A year ago today (7.16.24), I thought my world was crashing around me. And that he didn't love me. A year ago today, I was so full of hate and anger that I could not see the man in front of me. I could not see him begging me to love him and forgive him. Begging me not to be an angry monster all of the time. I can blame a lot of it on postpartum depression and the situation. But I should have had more grace.

Today he was upset that I wouldn't hold his foot with mine 🥹

We have a long road to navigate. But he truly is my soul mate. And I love him no matter what.

[khenzyblog]

I want to run away from life.

[khenzyblog]

It's so stupid I have to be alive.

[khenzyblog]

Stay quiet about it.

Keep a happy face.

If I tell him I want to die, then he will think im trying to get attention.

And what about my son. Can't leave him.

I'm stuck.

I can't go anywhere.

I'm tired.

I have to stay.

How?

[khenzyblog]

It's coming back

I don't want it

I just want to be happy

But I've been feeling very "kill myself" lately

Nothings new.

Nothings new.

It's just the same fuckin cycle

And I don't want to survive it this time

[khenzyblog]

Death..

Now that

Is something new.

[khenzyblog]

Something new.

Something.. new.

That's what I said, wasn't it?

What I wanted

I don't know anymore.

I just want it to be over with.

That's all.

[khenzyblog]

She was supposed to live.

She was supposed to fucking live.

[khenzyblog]

How does one navigate a brain that's being rewired

Something cracked in me

I had no spackle

Nothing to repair it with

The monster I tried desperately my whole life to keep tightly in the walls that I built.

I dont know why. It was taxing. It was fighting..

And I never understood that all I had to do.. was let go.. and let it leave

I can breathe..

I feel empty.. a good empty... like I moved into a new house, and I get to redecorate.

I get to start something new. But where do I start?

[khenzyblog]

And just like that.. one day. I woke up.

[khenzyblog]

In every aspect

In every way you can imagine

Deep deep from the depths of my soul..

I am tired.

[khenzyblog]

Today I'm breaking..

I'm begging..

The anger that clouded my vision subsided...

Reality is setting.

And I just want to die.

[khenzyblog]

You ever so mad you want to kill yourself out of spite?

[khenzyblog]

Nah, man. Just nah..

How are you gonna blame me for all of this? How are you gonna scream at me and make it all about you and say that I've made it about me?

Bruh I'm about to fucking call your mother and tell her to make room for your bitch ass

[khenzyblog]

While my body and mind scream at me to maintain these walls..

My soul aches to be seen