kijosmind

[kijosmind]

I’m getting positive! (I think)

Well since I wrote down here, I’m feelin lost. A lot that I’ve been trough since my birthday. I got a things that makes my heart stronger ( I think). Right now, I feel more stable. I’m starting to write down my mind and trying to build my “Bucket list” and all on progress now. I’m tryin to understand what life takes me to and I wanna be changed. I want to become more healthier, mind and physically. So wish me luck!

[kijosmind]

Today was my birthday!

Hahaha startin with a good vibes then hopefully this positive vibes can lasted at least for the end of this day 🎂 🎁🎈

[kijosmind]

Today, I was more stable than yesterday.

Well, I try to back in track where I should be positive in daily. I do the groceries for myself and some stuff for my sister’s dessert box. Yeah, she makes us those viral oreo dessert things. I’m quite happy for the result even though there’s a mess with the third layer. Tasty food was my lifesaver. No doubt!

[kijosmind]

Today, I lost the reasons why I should continue the rest of the day.

Well, I woke up nearly earlier than my regular wake up alarm. I checked my phone and got nothing. No text, no calls, even chat grup. I was free from dutycalls so yeah. Then I get to go number 2. Then I realize how empty I am. So, I decided back to sleep. It was not nice, to be honest. So anxious. Got around 3 times wake up to check my phone whether somebody needs my help or even just text a random “good moring and happy sunday” to me. Then I’m give up. Forced to sleep with a sad feelings. Even now suddenly my sister comes brings a leftover food. Then I asked her is there any food that I can eat or cook... she says no. And I’m tottaly done. I’ve lost the reasons why I should continue the rest of the day.

[kijosmind]

Today, was a hard day.

Last night, I’ve got an unexpected rejection, from the one that I not prepared. It slap me harder than I thought. Fuck It’s triggering me. My head are loud. My heart beating faster. I can’t breath easily. I want to share with a few friend but yet they already sleep. Then I forced myself to sleep. This morning feels so hard to get up from bed. I have to go out this morning. So yeah I’m fighting myself to get prepared. I have a problem with my family so that was the chances for me to leave my house. Then I take a unhealthy breakfast in the street. So I continued try to make it clear for last night problems. Turns out yeah it’s still hurt. Then another things comes by trying to help my colleague’s friends but turns out it become useless. That’s was a simple thing but yeah it’s hurting. Then another bunch of people makes me feel disrespected. Also hurting. After those hurting things, I failed someone who I have promised to help. Yeah. This all come this day. And this day was hard. I’m Fucked up.

[kijosmind]

My 3 worst problems; Loneliness, Rejection, Being Left

Kinda something to work out this day. Combined by an overthinking and BOOM! you have nearly depression and mind full of loud. Growing older also a big situation to support this shit happens. A lot to do or maybe get a professional help are already in my minds. Surrounded by a friend won’t easily erased the pain. Not a real pain but something hollow to feel. Kinda need a new person in life maybe was a temporary achievement right now for being happy. This is complicated.

[kijosmind]

Midnight photoshoot

[kijosmind]

I’m lost

[kijosmind]

I‘ve matched strangers at dating app. Then we decided to met. I’m so excited because I do think I’m lost and lonely. So we met. We watched movies at someone’s flats. But sadly I gotta go because of duty calls. I feel very bad. Today, I texted but no respons. I’m afraid that I’m not the one that expected to come. But I think I like our last time, since I need someone right now. I’m lost. And I need someone. I hope I got a new texts. Yeah.... I’m lost, lonely.

[kijosmind]

Well, I’m gonna put it here hahahaha this only a joke

[kijosmind]

How I miss the sea, as a cancerian.

[kijosmind]

I used to be doing this, but lately it’s not sadness anymore. This has become loneliness and I hated it 😭 I need someone to heal, someone to hug, someone to cry. I’m just Britney Spears (My loneliness is killing me)

[kijosmind]

RANDOM POSTING #1

I post it here because I think this is gonna be my private place, my safest platform for my daily. I know how the social media works but yeah I think I enjoy using this for my dumbness thing 😂

I’ve been through a lonely night, so I played some instagram’s filters. I’ll drop it here

[kijosmind]

tired of being the only one who waiting for another void

[kijosmind]

old me

“You can do whatever you want!!! Just be yourself! You can be anything!”

that motivational phrase was popping in my head. It’s should be move me but it’s not. I will tell u my glory story, hahahaha about my little me who can do anything he wants. Little me who don’t even know how to think about other people says. Little me who was so Fierce, Hungry, Positive, Fearless, Joy and Happiness all the time. 

I was 3 y.o maybe when i got my first trophy. It was singing contest. I can’t remember the moment when i was sing but i got my picture was holding it at school with my friends.

  It’s weird but yeah i got to school since i was 3 y.o (maybe). It was a huge trophy, Like maybe 10 inch high. It was fun to seeing that now hahaha. Then i got a kindergarten school. No trophy i think but at my last year (5 y.o) I got a performance for farewell party. It’s like a traditional dance. My first make up was happen there hahaha. I got big eye, with a red cheek and red lips. I remember the scene when i was on stage. Blue costumes with a weird face. 

The next scene was I’m in my grandma house and crying about clearing my make up because I was too tired and just wanna sleep. Thats’s a good memories. I’m doing that with happiness. No pushes from my parent as long as I can remember. And I can’t remember me to thinking about people judgment either they not. Then my elementary school was struggling. I’m just so weak at Math. I can’t even memorize it. Then in our society, if your son wasn’t good enough at school even they really good at art, it doesn’t matter. Dumb boy are gonna be dumb boy.  I don’t remember what my parents say to me except I was over confident and talking to much in class. I don’t mind it. I’m still doing what i like. On the 3rd grade i started joining marching band. I played trumpet. 

Well i enjoy it. It become like 3 years until i graduate my elementary school. A lot of performance that i can remember. I enjoy it a lot. At 4th grade i was start to joining some religion music club. They play like a tambourine in many size and sounds. Girls are singing and boys got the percussion. I can’t remember how we performs that but yeah i was a tambourine boy. The next year i went to jamboree for the first time in my life. Not sleeping in my room nor my bed, just camp. It was good for my skills haha, but a lot of fun. I learned how to pack my stuff up and so on. At the same year i joined a traditional musical theater club. We have a competition with a folklore song all in local language. 

We win at the first stage and brings my school to the 2nd competition. We lost in this phase because the stage was so huge and we didn’t have a protocols for using a microphone, wich the other team do. The fantastic tings about my journey in elementary school was i played all those role on the farewell party except the marching band. I played the traditional theatrical, then i played the tambourine things, and i had a poem too, then i sing for the teacher in there and it was at the same event. I’m just a kid but I have done a lot of my mind wants. I’m getting older when it was come a heavier responsibilities but i still play with my heart wants. Until last year when I finally finished my study in colleague. I graduated as a bachelor of engineering. Well it doesn’t sound that cool. I feel like it’s stops when my school is over. At the end of those year i got my first job. Job that i wanted to, not-into-engineer-things first, And finally i live alone far away from my parents. It was good until the financial issues comes to my head. I’m started thinking to quit my job and go back to my parents, wich i did now. I was make up my mind supported by the pandemic, so i quite my job and come home. Hope that I can saving something and find a job in home.Then the lockdown things come. Everybody lost their jobs and world getting worst. I stayed at home and this “demons” come. Over-thinking is killing me. I can’t really meet someone or just tell ‘em how i feel because everybody was sad minding their life. I just miss the old me. Who have so many chance to do anything that I want. Missing my happy heart. Not knowing about how hard life is it. Not knowing how to deals with finance issues. If I keep doing my passion then I’m not going to eat. Less money. Oh god i miss the old me.

[kijosmind]

name

so.... this is my username that I picked for this blog. kijosmind. As you can see from the name, this blog was trying to be my brain’s diary. A lot of things to think. A lot of dreams to achieve. A lot of question to answer. I might be write as much as I can. Hope i can do this “healing” continously. I have no plan for the content of this blog just let my heart and my brain do their jobs. And I’m not prefer this blog going public hahaha... Just try to figure it out what am I. Thank you

[kijosmind]

Introduction

Hello, tumblr :)

this would be my platform. to talk about what’s in my head. Just like others do. Clear mind, healthy soul. Be nice to newbie