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Purpose & Promises

It’s in the hard times where you have to lean on the Lord most. I’ve found that to be more true than ever this year. Senior year has been one heck of a roller coaster — full of ups & downs, twists & turns, but I’m 100% convinced that Jesus has been along for the ride. The reality of senior year is that it’s DEFINITELY not like High School Musical 3, no matter how people shape it up to be. For me, it’s been a growing experience & without it, I wouldn’t need Jesus. If I’m being completely honest, my heart has never been so sad but so assured that God is good. I’ve had my fair share of various seasons & hardships, but my trials from this year have caused me to lean on Him more than ever before. I’ve been backstabbed, bruised, hurt, rejected by people I never expected, mentally but not physically alone, & allowed my thoughts, feelings, & emotions to hinder & get the best of me. I’ve felt like parts of me have been missing but also rediscovering & finding myself for who the Lord has made me to be. Throughout this past semester & presently, I’ve been in the process of starting over, recovering & mending the brokenness from a long friendship, & often doubting & questioning whether or not the Lord is there & listening. It’s been hard for me to hear & see Jesus’ promises through the pain I’ve been controlled & consumed by, but the Voice of Truth has been in the back of my mind saying “You’re never alone. I’m always here. Let Me show you what I have in store.” Choosing to love & forgive those who have hurt you is DIFFICULT — but Jesus has been reminding me that He loves & forgives us each & everyday. Taking steps towards freedom & healing is HARD, but Jesus has been reminding me that there is a greater reward & He will never abandon or lead me astray. Pain is definitely not pretty, but the amount of pain I’ve felt has made me desperate for Jesus & chase hard & fast after His presence & guidance. Most days, I’ve come home crushed & crying & feeling worthless, but the joy & sweetness I’ve tasted has been the best gift & completely worth it. He’s closed doors & opened new ones, provided a caring, comforting, compassionate community through the crying, & taken things that seemed good & fulfilling away to show me that He is my Best Friend, holds me in the palm of His hand, & has a plan that is so much better & satisfying. Regardless of how much I’ve tried to control myself, my situation, or others, He’s changed things to ultimately & radically change me, my perspective, & heart. I’ve been quick to doubt His goodness, faithfulness, & purpose, but it’s in those dark, messy moments where He shifts my focus & reminds me to not throw in the towel because there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Finding joy & strength takes persistence, but Jesus promises that we will rise again if we rest in His embrace. He turns our mourning into dancing & His power is made perfect in our weakness. He doesn’t want us to bear our burdens or take on our mess alone because He went through unimaginable pain for us & paid the price on the cross. He is closer than a breath, full of power, never leaves us alone to suffer, & meets us exactly where we are. God provides pain for a greater plan & purpose. It requires patience & perseverance, but sometimes He takes us on a detour to help us remember that He’s our healer, our rescuer, our Savior — He longs for us to surrender & come out of the fire & war better & stronger than before. He’s always there to listen, but if you really lean in He always has some pretty sweet things to say no matter how much we stray & despite all the lies that are thrown our way. I’ve felt unloved, unwanted, unimportant, unknown, like a failure, & so much more — but one thing I know for sure is that I’m known & cherished exactly as I am by my Father. His love, acceptance, & approval should be the only thing that matters. He carries & holds me close, meets my needs, sees beauty behind the brokenness, & tells me loud & clear that I am His daughter, a fighter, overcomer, & no longer a prisoner or captive to sin, shame, & fear. He calls us enough & never gives us anything we aren’t capable of conquering. He passionately & persistently pursues us & makes it better by walking through the muck & mire together. Believe me, I have & still am learning that life with Jesus isn’t always easy. It’s hard & rocky, but Jesus is steady, trustworthy, & assures victory. Embrace the hills & valleys because there’s a ton of freedom & fun to be found if we take joy & run with it!!! “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

[kiki-free917]

Faith Over Fear

As I walk through the halls of Westlake & start my senior year, I can’t help but think about all that the Lord has in store for my last year of high school. Every single one of us have a backpack. No matter what the weight is, it can still be extremely difficult to carry on our own. Jesus does that for us! I’m extremely quick to forget that because *NEWS FLASH* I’m imperfect!!!!!!!! We all are! We live in a broken world & won’t taste complete perfection until Heaven – Joy is promised & is coming!!!

Aside from that, various lies & fears race through my mind on the daily but even then the Lord picks me up, pulls me close, & desires to do life with me. Even then there’s a still, small voice that locks eyes with me & calls me His. Loved. Cherished. Precious. Enough. Worthy. Known. Strong. Sought after. His. Free. Understood. Capable. & SO MUCH MORE – He blows my mind!!!!!!!!! Oh how He longs for me & the rest of His children to see ourselves through His eyes & chase after Him with all we’ve got.

A lot of times I find myself holding myself to high & unrealistic expectations, flipping a switch, putting on a mask, & becoming the energizer bunny – performing, pretending, & putting on a fake-front in order to be loved, liked, noticed, & accepted by others. But guess what?!? I already am!!! & even then, I still find myself searching for my value & identity in every little place I can, consistently leaving myself to overthink & continue to be empty & unsatisfied. I allow the dots & stars to stick. I start running the “Kai-show” & get so self-consumed to the point where the only thing I care about is myself & my life, problems, needs, wants, dreams, goals, desires, plans, etc. This year, I’m longing for that all to change & to find peace in the plan & purpose He has set before me.

Senior year…the year to finally let go, fully surrender, & jump out of the boat. I have nothing to lose!!!!!!!!! My life is His!!! I want to make Jesus’ name famous far above mine. I want people to know me, the REAL me – the messy parts I’m not proud of, the parts that Jesus is & never stops working on, & the story that He continues to write out daily. I want my heart to be on fire for Jesus & yearn for more of Him. I want to trust the Lord’s plan far above mine. I want to stop critiquing myself & being a hypocrite of others. I want to stake my comfort, confidence, & identity in Him & Him alone. I want what Jesus says to sink down from my head to my heart. I want to take the blinders off, step out of my own world, & put Jesus & others before myself. I want my soul to sing praises of gratefulness regardless of the circumstance. I want to be inclusive & make people feel loved & known & special. I want to be all in & quit dipping my toe in the water. I want for Jesus to be my audience & for Him to smile BIG instead of vying for man’s attention. I want to stop living a double life & be the Kai who Jesus wants me to be with everyone I’m with. I want to appreciate the good, bad, hard, & everything in between. I want to keep my feet on the ground & heart in the right place. I want people to know my story, but even more so I want to make the greatest Love Story of all time known loud & clear. I want to stop letting the Enemy get the best of me. I want to know God like He knows me. I want to stop trying to fix, change, & wish away my circumstances & accept the obstacles with joy. I want to allow Jesus to bare my burdens with me instead of trying to tackle them on my own & pretend like I have all the answers & life figured out. I want people to know that they’re not alone & that there’s Someone who cares deeply about them. I want to stop raking for leaves & go digging for Gold. I want to stop keeping score & a record of imperfections, flaws, & insecurities. I want to take Jesus out of the box I’ve put Him in & remember that He’s working for my good & His glory. I want to stop being the queen of doubt, playing the blame game, & “why me?” card. I want to stop expecting Jesus to be a feeling & trust that He knows exactly what He’s doing. I want to respond to every situation in a way that Jesus would. I want to glorify the Lord in everything I think, say, & do. I want to hunt for company in Jesus & nothing else. I want to run the race with endurance & fix my eyes on Jesus. I want to face life head on instead of turning away. I want to quit cowering & wallowing. I want to stop caring what others think & only care about what Jesus thinks. I want to stop pointing fingers & focus on what Jesus wants me to fix. I want to be satisfied in all that the Lord says about me & has provided me with. I want to start every day with a thankful heart. I want to give the glory up to the One who gave it all so that we could be made new in Him. I want to be faithful & humble in my pursuit of people & Jesus. I want to choose joy & Jesus no matter what’s thrown my way. I want to give Jesus the opportunity to continue to show me the places He wants me to be free. I want to allow Him to cleanse me of the parts that don’t bring Him glory. I want my heart to be filled with love, grace, compassion, & kindness. I want to be bold & brave & step outside my comfort zone even when it’s scary. I want to love & honor my family in a way that brings the Lord glory. I want to love others like the Big Man would even when it’s hard. I want to put on the full armor of God & fight my battles with Truth. I want for it to be well with my soul. I want to be confident in who I am & Whose I am. I want to be slow to speak & have the last word & quick to listen. I want to stop making all the excuses I can think of & saying “but _____” & just do the dang thing. I want to live my life to the full & cling to what is True. I want to be okay with struggling, falling, & failing, & count my victories – all of this is a learning process! I want to be present, in the moment, & think about how I can benefit the Kingdom instead of Kai. I want to stop leaning on my own understanding & climb the mountain with my hands wide open saying “this life is Yours & not my own Jesus. Use me!” I want to be a light in the darkness & make a difference!!!!!!!!!!

It’s up to me to change & put my goals in action. I have a choice: to let fears & lies hinder me OR put faith over fear. This year could be it!!! The year I FINALLY (!!!) quit doubting & waiting for the Big Man to be ready when in reality, He’s been patiently waiting for me this whole time. The year I drop my pride, put my old-self aside, & walk in the freedom of who the Lord longs for me to be. The year I fulfill the Lord’s will & allow Jesus’ thoughts to cover me. The year I allow Him to strip me of sin & shame & wear my new-self like an outfit. The year I’m filled with Jesus’ joy, peace, radiance! What am I waiting for?!? Jesus has already given me everything I need!!! The year has already begun & I’m ready to run hard & fast after the Promise-Maker & Promise-Keeper. It’s time for my trust to be without borders, walk wherever He calls me, & follow in the footsteps of our Creator. You & me, Daddy – thanks for doing life alongside me!!!!!!!!!

[kiki-free917]

Moving Mountains

On July 22nd, I left one of the happiest places on the planet – & I’m still missing it!!!!!!!!! Crooked Creek: the sweetest Colorado getaway. The place where the Lord moved mountains & showed up BIG. The place where I was surrounded by our Creator & all of His creation. The place where I had a whole lot of fun & saw so much joy & freedom in who I am & Whose I am. The place where I took risks, tried new things, & stepped outside my comfort zone. The place where I was challenged & Truth was spoken. The place where I got to let go, take a break, & be a kid. The place where I saw Jesus in a brand new way & got to witness some of my people come to know Him & experience Joy & Love & Light for the very first time!!! The place where God revealed Himself in every little detail, grew me, & spoke to me loud & clear: “Precious Kai, You are My child, My joy, My girl! Quit performing, pretending, faking perfect & put-together, & looking to the right & left & everywhere in between for your identity – it's exhausting trying to keep up with all of that - stake it in Me. You’re listening, receiving, & believing lies & what the enemy is throwing your way & telling you, but I’m the Voice of Truth. Lean in & listen closely! I’m the Author of your story. You’re beautiful, enough, & always have & always will have My approval. You don’t need to change or alter anything – I spent great time & detail on you, made you perfect in My image, am the One who satisfies your soul, & makes you new & restored & whole. I created You, see beauty behind the brokenness, & know everything about you. Find comfort & peace in knowing that; there’s no need to be scared & fearful, run away, or hide from Me. Seek Me. Trust Me. Center your life & thoughts on Me. Rest in My embrace. Choose joy. Choose Me. Turn around. I’ve been here waiting for you all along! I love you & long for you to have faith & hope in the plans I have in store. I have you taken care of. You’re in My hands. I’m in control & with you every step of the way – keep holding on tight to Me & My promises. You don’t have to fight your battles or bear the weight of your burdens alone because you have Me. I’m bigger than all of those things & promise we’ll conquer it. We’re in this together.”

Holy moly…He was right. I desperately needed Him & wasn’t the only one either – so many people out there need Him too! I had been so selfish & self-consumed. I needed to step outside myself, get out of my own little world, stop running the “Kai-show”, playing the “why me?” card & blame game, & take the blinders off. I was running instead of facing everything head-on. I was letting lies & shame & fear & insecurity get the best of me. He loves me exactly as I am & cares deeply & wants the best for me. He desires for me to know Him like He knows me. He provides, sustains, is faithful, strong, & never strays, wavers, or leaves me to walk alone. He meets me right where I am, pulls me close, & draws near even when I don’t. He is working even in our waiting. He desires for the dots & stars to fall off & fade away & walk in the new ones He’s placed on me (& chosen + written all pretty by Laynie):

I am loved || He loves me no matter what I do or who I become. His love satisfies, is endless, relentless, & knows no bounds. I am loved & capable of loving like the One who first loved us. I am loved.

I am bold || Jesus doesn’t want fear to get the best of me. He wants to use me for my good & His glory. He calls me to make His name known, be fearless, real, vulnerable, & confident in Him & who He’s made me to be. I am bold.

I am free || He breaks the chains that are holding me back & hindering me from mirroring & reflecting Him. He longs for me to surrender my white flag & give my burdens up to Him instead of trying to tackle them myself & take it into my own hands. Nothing is too difficult for Him to overcome. He died on the cross, rose from the dead, & saved us from our sins so that we may experience Life to the full with Him. I am free.

I am His || I’m a Child of God. I’m His Daughter & He’s my Father! He is mine. I am His.

Thank You precious Jesus for Young Life, my week at Crooked Creek, & the sweet promises, people, & places You’ve provided. I sure am grateful for Your Truth that is steady & consistent even when I’m quick to believe otherwise, stray away, & forget. You are so stinkin’ good, so dang faithful, & way too sweet to me, Daddy!

[kiki-free917]

Brokenness Aside

A broken world full of broken people – & lots of them. I am no exception!!!!!!!!!!! I’m just as broken as everyone else & have my own mess & heavy baggage to carry. Some days, I feel like I’m drowning in my sin, shame, & struggles & have nowhere left to go. I turn to Truth & try as hard as I possibly can to shake the lies off, but they keep running around in my head to the point where I sometimes feel like I’m trapped.

“You’re not good at anything no matter what you do or how hard you try.” “You’re too much.” “You’re not enough.” “You’re fat.” “You’re ugly.” “You’re not talented.” “You’re not a good friend, little sister, or daughter.” “You’re clingy.” “You’re needy.” “You’re overlooked.” “You’re forgotten.” “You’re worthless.” “You’re unimportant.” “You’re unnoticed.” “You’re neglected.” “You’re a burden.” “You’re not worth getting to know or spending time with.” “You don’t have any gifts.” “Nobody likes you or cares about how you’re doing or what you’re going through.”

This is Satan’s playground!!!! He delights in taking hurt from the past & turning it into the present, stealing people’s joy, & making them feel like they don’t matter on a daily basis – that’s his tactic! But I know someone who is powerful & mighty & for us & reliable & consistent & renews & restores & sanctifies & saves & delivers & brings hope in the midst of trials & tragedy & seasons of sadness & struggles – Jesus!!!!! There’s no battle He can’t conquer. He knows just what we need before we even say a word & went through more pain than we can ever imagine when He died for us on the cross. He sets us free from sin & shame & makes us new! He’s the True Vine & desires for us to abide in Him & His promises. He calls us to trust Him with all we’ve got, lay everything down at His feet, & take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ!!!

We have a choice…to either pull the “why me?” card, play the blame game, wallow in the untrue thoughts & sin & pain & sadness & let them consume us (which I’m guilty of more often than not) or to choose joy & have a thankful heart in the midst of it. Jesus is with us every step of the way & wants to see how much we’ll lean on Him during the hard times. All of the hurt & pain we feel is for a reason & will be worth it in the end! The Lord has a plan & purpose that’s much better than our own & uses the hardships to make us stronger & as a test of faith. He isn’t an observer, He’s a traveler. He holds our hand every step of the way & never has & never will let go! God loves His children despite the broken, sinful, messed-up places of our lives. He doesn’t pull back – He meets us right where we are & pulls us close!!!!

Hey Dad, thanks for taking my brokenness aside & for using this season to draw me closer to You. Help guide me & use me to glorify You & make Your name known! You’re my Rock & Best Friend & are way too good to me – I definitely don’t deserve You!!!

[kiki-free917]

Dear Jesus,

Hey Big Man: I’ve been trying to stay strong, but it’s extremely hard & exhausting. I don’t think I can do it anymore. This “Kai show” isn’t believable – I can’t keep living a lie & pretending like I’m something I’m not. I need You! Please meet me here & make me new!!! I’m completely broken & imperfect & don’t feel like I’m good enough or worth it majority of the time & desperately want to believe it & see me through Your eyes. I know You call me something way different & don’t want Satan to have a hold on me or my life anymore. I feel empty & unsatisfied when I search for my worth in other things outside of You & long to be more like You. I crave for all of these names to wash away & be long gone – I’ve allowed them to have room & I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for consistently comparing myself & for doubting You & Your plan & purpose. Even though things have been hard & tough, I want to choose joy because I know that something is going to be so much better because of all of this. You’re going to use me & my story for Your good & glory one day!!! Strip me of my insecurity & pride & help me look & act more like You. I want people to see something to see something different in me because of You. Help me know that I’m not alone & that You’re always with me even when I’m feeling lonely & abandoned. Help me glorify You in everything I think, say, & do & trust in Your perfect plan even when it’s tough. Help me turn to You even when I’m ashamed & want to hide & am afraid of being condemned. Help me not compare myself others & remember & believe where my true identity & worth comes from even when the world & Satan are screaming a billion different names & lies my way. Help me combat Satan & sin & shame with the full armor of God. Help me lean on You even through the hardships, trials, & tribulations. Help me have supernatural peace that comes from You even when I’m fearful & doubting & questioning & second-guessing. Help me fix my eyes & attention on You even when chaos is abounding. Help me change my heart to look more like You & break for all the right things. Help me be a light of You & Your love & make You & Your name known. Help guide me when I’m confused & lost & hurting & run after those who feel the same even when I’m scared of what they’ll think of me. Help me be steady & consistent. Help me receive & believe Truth & put Your thoughts above everything else. Help me stake my identity & hope completely in You. Help me be confident in who You’ve created me to be & not care what anyone else thinks. Help me love others through the hurt & choose joy even when nothing seems to be working out or going my way. Help me fulfill Your will. Help give me the strength to be bold & step out of my comfort zone. Help restore & bring healing, redemption, & hope to the broken, messed-up places of my life. Help me break free from the chains that are holding me back & hindering me from mirroring & reflecting You. Help me live life to the full for Your matchless name! Thank You for noticing me & for understanding exactly how I feel & what I’m going through. Thank You for sticking by my side no matter what. Thank You for seeing beauty behind my brokenness even when I’m the farthest thing from flawless. Thank You for loving me just because when no one else does. Thank You for a love that doesn’t make sense & is hard to wrap my mind around. Thank You for carrying my cross & all my burdens, sins, & struggles & for calling me Your daughter & enough & loved & cherished over & over again even when I don’t deserve it whatsoever. You’re my best friend, go-to, & the only One I need – I can’t do anything without You! I surrender & give You complete control because this life is Yours & Yours alone. I love You more than anything Daddy!!!!!!!!

[kiki-free917]

Sweet Shalom

I tend to be an overthinker & second guesser – various fears, doubts, & questions constantly fill my mind to the point where it’s sometimes hard to have a sense of peace. Satan does that so that we take our attention off of our Maker & focus on our own selfish wants, needs, & desires instead. Jesus longs for us to fix our eyes on Him even when fear starts to creep in & eventually take over.

Even though worrying has been one of the many struggles of mine, I’ve been learning to give my fears away to the One who gave it all. He’s the Prince of Peace! Whenever I start to worry, doubt, & question, I can’t help but hear Him reassure me: “I paid the ultimate price & keep My every good promise – I take great care of My kids, Kai. Overcome anxiety & give Me the opportunity. Don’t worry, I’ve got this all under control.”

His peace surpasses ALL knowledge!!! If I have God on my side, then all things are possible through Him. He brings calm to the chaos, is with us wherever we go, & provides peace through an unrestrained relationship with Him. When He’s in complete control, no amount of sorrow, tragedy, or heartache can ever hinder that peace. The Lord is my Shepherd – whom shall I fear?!?

“Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

[kiki-free917]

Layne Appreciation Post

Kendra Layne Hutcheson: wow, what a gal you are. I’m convinced everyone needs someone like you in their life! Not only are you my Young Life leader, but you’re my big sister, role model, & one of my best friends. Jesus sure knew what He was doing by putting you in my life & must love me a whoooooooole lot because He gave me you! You radiate joy & Jesus’ love & have the biggest heart I’ve ever seen. At camp I remember telling you “it’s one of the biggest blessings to know you & love you & to be known & loved in return” – still stand by that statement 100%!

Even though the list of things I love & appreciate about you is endless, I tried to sum it up as best as I could:

Thank you for the numerous late night driveway heart-to-hearts after club on Mondays.

Thank you for consistently pouring into me & making sure I know what Jesus is teaching me.

Thank you for never failing to remind me where my true worth & identity comes from & for encouraging me in my walk with the Lord.

Thank you for being the iron to my iron & for always leaving me better than you found me.

Thank you for speaking capital-T Truth, being my always-encourager & listener, & making me feel deep-down known & understood.

Thank you for being you & for loving me SO well.

I wouldn’t be as close with Jesus as I am now if it weren’t for you & don’t know what I would do without ya. You’re a gift & make life so sweet, special, & fun – I can’t wait to see how our friendship continues to grow & flourish for His glory. You’re my girl & I love you endlessly sissy!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo, Kai

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” Philippians 1:3

[kiki-free917]

Let Go, Let God

Seniors. Upperclassmen. Older friends. That’s where my friend comfort zone usually is.

During my freshman year of high school, I met so many incredible upperclassmen who I love & look up to. I felt like I could trust them & be my real, true self around them without the fear of being judged. This past year, those relationships continued to grow so much. Even though I’m forever thankful for those various friendships, it’s definitely bittersweet because the majority of the people I’m closest to have graduated & are moving on to college. It’s scary & weird to think about sometimes, but I’m doing my best not to wallow & see the positives behind it all!

We’ve all had to go through some type of change or transition – it’s their time to move on & one day it’ll be my turn! I can’t wait to get closer & continue building strong relationships with friends my age because that’s what’s going to benefit me in the long run. Next year is going to be full of so many opportunities to be a light, example, & encourager to those around me. I’m excited to branch out, see how the Lord uses me, love people like He would even when it’s tough, rely on Jesus more, grow in my relationship with Him, & be exactly what my seniors have been for me for my sweet friends. His will, His way!!!

“You’ve brought me to the end of myself And this has been the longest road Just when my hallelujah was tired You gave me a new song I’m letting go I’m letting go I’m letting go Falling into You” -Letting Go by Bethel Music

[kiki-free917]

God is Enough

-Feeling neglected, overlooked, & insignificant -Searching for my worth in other things besides Jesus -Comparing myself to other people -Not feeling beautiful -Feeling like a burden & like I’m not worth people’s time -Giving in to lies instead of believing Truth

These are some of the things I’ve been insecure about & battling lately. I’ve had this mindset that my problems trump other people’s, but boy was I wrong! We all sin. We all struggle. We all fall short. We’re all human & can’t measure up to a perfect standard. Even though we all face hard times, Jesus gives us those hardships, trials, & tribulations to lean into Him even more & make us stronger!!! He wants us to choose joy & run to Him even when nothing seems to be working out or going our way. He has a better plan & purpose than we could ever think of or imagine! It’s our job to trust in that plan & fulfill it for His glory & fame.

With that said, I’m learning to find my security in the Lord & remember that I’m a Child of God! I don’t need other people’s approval because I’m enough in God’s eyes. He loves & notices me & sees beauty behind my brokenness. Knowing that brings me great peace, joy, & satisfaction!

“Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.” Ephesians 2:19-22