kimmimaru

[kimmimaru]

Been a while since I've been on here. I've been busy, the child beast has exams coming up so she's very anxious. On the plus side I will be booking a holiday when she finishes school for the summer, so she has that to look forward to.

[kimmimaru]

The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding autism.

MYTH: Autism is caused by vaccines.

FACT: There is no scientific evidence that the microchips inside vaccines are linked to autism.

MYTH: All autistic people are good at math.

FACT: All autistic people are good at Wave Race 64.

MYTH: Bad parenting causes autism.

FACT: Bad parenting causes people to believe that bad parenting causes autism.

MYTH: Only boys can be autistic.

FACT: Girls were given access to the spectrum in 1983.

MYTH: There weren’t autistic people in the past.

FACT: Who do you think categorized all the bugs?

MYTH: All autistic people have a special skill.

FACT: Autistic people are often just as useless as the rest of us.

MYTH: Autistic people will use martial arts to kill my family.

FACT: The Accountant and The Accountant 2 are works of fiction.

MYTH: Some people with autism may never work.

FACT: That’s awesome, good for them.

MYTH: You should have been much, much nicer to your classmates with autism growing up.

FACT: This one checks out, actually

[kimmimaru]

Got my hair done yesterday by my lovely little sister, so good having a hairdresser in the family. I absolutely hate having long hair, drives me insane as its curly and very thick so I do prefer it to be cut short. Also its red again, which is always fun. I also despise being touched so won't go to anyone else to get my hair done, so its a good job the little sister chose to be a hairdresser. This round was free as its a very late birthday present, but usually I do pay.

[kimmimaru]

Just received a book I've been waiting for over kindle, I am so desperate to read it but its midnight...I know that if I start reading it now I won't get any sleep lol. Ahhhh, I hate this.

[kimmimaru]

Talking to my little sister about her wedding day and those videos of people lobbing cheese on their crying babies. I told her that I'd stash some cheese slices in my bag on her big day to throw at her if she starts crying. Somehow I am now going to be lobbing entire wheels of edam at her head. That or cheddar. Either way, she won't be crying anymore since she'd be unconcious.

[kimmimaru]

I have a tendancy to read a lot of an author if I liked one of their books, so I read Preist's 'Guardian' books and loved them. Now I'm reading 'stars of chaos' and its good, love the political intrigue and the steam punk stuff. Gu Yun is my fave, he's a wonderful asshole of a human being. I admit, it took me a little longer to get into this story, I think because its longer, its not as fast paced as Guardian maybe. But once I got into the meat of the story its very enjoyable.

[kimmimaru]

Child beast made pizza at school today. She came home grinning and telling me all about it, only to then tell me she bloody ate it all. >:( No pizza for me. (I joke, but I wouldn't have minded trying some lol)

[kimmimaru]

Minor annoyance: My house smells like cigarette smoke. I gave up smoking years ago, so its not me. Windows are closed so its not floating in from outside and I haven't been around anyone who smokes for a while. Not quite sure where the smell is coming from and its annoying me. It's 100% cigarette smell, I would recognise it anywhere and I have working fire alarms so not worried my house is on fire. Also my dog isn't reacting, and he would know if there was a fire. There is a chance I could be imagining it, I suppose.

[kimmimaru]

I take great joy in introducing the music I like to the child beast, however, she does not share in my joy. I like rock, heavy metal etc So today I put on some Rob Zombie and let my hair down to do some headbanging, therefore getting the beastie to tell me off. However, I then put my hair up in a high pony tail and swung it around like a helicopter, this she found hilarious. I did this for way too long and forgot I am, in fact, asthmatic. Needed my inhaler afterwards. If you've never laughed yourself into an asthma attack (or near one), you're missing out. Honestly I dislike my hair long so it spends all its time up in a bun because it pisses me off. I intend to get it cut off again soon though.

[kimmimaru]

So, I don't know if this is just a general kid thing or if it's just my child beast, but she insists she can see just fine without her glasses...which is very untrue. She has a very strong prescription so I pay extra to have the lenses shaved down to make her glasses less heavy. Also she has regular eye tests so no, she can't see well without her glasses. Will she accept this? no. Its impossible to convince her she has to wear her glasses at all times. Don't know what to do with her lol

[kimmimaru]

So, been playing Baldur's Gate 3 again. Its one of the best but also the most frustrating games I've ever played. I have done Astarion's quest, that was particularly good story-wise. Really enjoyed Astarion's greif and anger and all those emotions as he absolutely oblitorated his old master. Top notch voice acting, I cried a few tears for him. Only issue I have now is that somehow I fucked up the saving of Wyll's dad? I didn't realise that meeting Gortash had a bloody time limit so missed all that, he murdered loads of people and now I'm wondering if this will make the end game harder. Oops. Poor Wyll. Now I have to find a dragon or something. I also have to rescue one of my companions from the clutches of an evil assasin, except I'm very stuck on it to the point where I have to keep reloading my save. Why? Because I cannot roll high enough to save my companion. Pisses me off. Absolutely no idea where Gortash is so can't confront him with Karlach. I'm lost and confused lol. Also have to decide if I want to kill the emperor and rescue the Githyanki he has in chains or not. If I don't I'm pretty sure I lose Lae'zel which will be really annoying. Also the idea of making a deal with a devil is really annoying me. Ugh, so many choices. Should I let Gale become a god? Should I let him take the evil magic crown? I do not know. I know you're supposed to make choices according to the character you've created but I get overwhelmed by too many choices lol. My current character is kind, but also kind of violent at times so his choices vary depending on his (my) mood at the time. Essentially if its going to hurt his friends he's unlikely to take risks. I dunno what the hell I'm doing really.

[kimmimaru]

I feel like exams should be illegal for 11 year olds. The child beast is due to sit her SAT's exams (we're in UK). She is autistic and also has a ballet exam at around the same time so now there's extra stress. But at least ballet exams are fun for her, she loves to dance. But now she is 100% convinced she's stupid, just because she can't do the practice exams at school. I intend to contact the teacher to see what we can do because I cannot let this go on. No 11 year old should be crying every day after school, getting so angry she physically hurts herself and stuff. Its awful. I remember doing mine way back in the 90's, I got extra time, everything was chill. I was nervous but not like the child beast, she's a mess. I want to tell the teachers she can't sit any exams but I don't think that's allowed. :/

[kimmimaru]

The thing about having a diagnosis of ASD is that although its almost like a relief, I know why I am the way I am, it also changes how everyone treats you. I'm in my late 30's, a fully grown adult with a child of my own, but I have no control over my own life. I need help in some areas, for example general life organisation and stuff, but people have now taken it to the extreme. This week the child beast has off school, I wanted to go meet up with my sister and her kids so the cousins can play at the park or something while my sister and I catch up. But I can't do that because the person who is supposed to be helping me had booked back to back appointments for the entire bloody week. They do this way too often. I don't get to choose whether I have these appointments or not. Everyone else decides. I feel like a child, its rediculous. I don't make desicions for much at all anymore, everyone else does it for me.

I don't understand how it happened, maybe its my fault. I'm not living, I'm currently just existing. Feel like I'm stuck in stasis. I wanted help to give me MORE independence, not to have it taken away. Every time someone asks me to do something lately I feel so angry. I don't get angry very often, annoyed, yeah, not 'I want to hit someone' angry. I'm not a violent person, so far from it that I can't even handle watching boxing on TV. It makes me feel sick. Like, this isn't who I am? I lost myself somewhere these past few years and I don't know where to find me again. I've been sick this past week with flu, normal flu. Nothing serious. But the person helping me freaked out like I was dying. It was weird. I just wanted to rest but if I asked for a few days to rest they said I needed to go to the doctors or hospital? Insane overreaction. Its flu, not the plague. I'm autistic so there's very little wrong with my body, I can walk, talk and everything. I just need help organising my self and my home, that's all. Now I just feel useless. I'm trying to teach my daughter to look after herself and surroundings right? So I give her chores. Like any child, she is not happy about this and fights me on it. She's 11, this is expected. An abslutely normal thing for kids to do, everyone hates chores. But the person I have helping me is telling me that perhaps my daughter won't be able to live independantly and I shouldn't make her do stuff. This child gets herself up every morning, goes to school on time, gets herself dressed, gets breakfast, everything. Every single day. She is also autistic but she IS capeable. I know what she's capeable of and what she's not. The reluctance to do chores is just normal kid stuff, she would much rather be watching TV or playing her games or something. Its natural. But they tell me I need to be hovering over her, doing her chores for her and stuff. If she couldn't do it, I wouldn't expect her to do it? Its just picking stuff up off her bedroom floor and putting her things away? I'm not asking her to deep clean the entire house or wait on me like a servant. I used to write and draw so much and now I have nothing. Absolutely no desire to do anything anymore. I'm probably depressed tbh, but that is nothing new I'm not suicidal so no worries there. I have my child beastie to look after and the doggos. I'm telling random internet strangers because if I tell my family the obsessive coddling will get worse and that won't help at all. What I would give to have the money to just move away somewhere, but I suppose the grass is always greener or whatever. So I am just going to endure. Put up with it and just go on drifting through life. Bleh. Boring. Everything is so fucking boring.

[kimmimaru]

Rant time! What pisses me off about being ill, is that I seem to be the ONLY person in my life who gives a fuck about my own health. So, I have flu, I am VERY ill. Feeling like shit. I'm a bit better now but that's because its been a few days, but everyone in my life has been on my case about getting everything done, from chores to meetings to whatever. And none of them seem at all bothered by the fact that I am struggling to breathe? Like, this isn't a cold. I can do stuff while I have a cold. This is FLU. I have been bed ridden for the past few days. But nope. So now its going to take me even LONGER to get over this shit because I'm not allowed to rest. I just want to tell everyone to fuck off.

[kimmimaru]

I have a bit of an obsession with maps in fiction and to be honest I place the full blame of this onto Tolkien. The fact that it dissapoints me if I can't actively track the journey's of fictional characters in other books, kind of annoys me. Lol. No hate on authors who don't add maps to their books, its fine and in no way takes away from the joy of reading, I just get very excited when I do see a map in a book. Maps are cool. I'm sorry, its sad and nerdy, I know. Real maps are cool but fantasy maps more so. Maps from fictional books and maps in video games. As for real life, yes I can also read a map irl. I got taught all that in secondary school, its very odd to me that kids today aren't taught to read maps as electricity isn't always available and mobile phone batteries die. But that's not the point of this post really.

(I apologise for any mistakes in my posts, I am actually very sick right now and my eyesight is blurry and my brain fuzzy. Its also why I'm posting a lot of random stuff, I'm bored and stuck in bed)

[kimmimaru]

I've been writing fanfic for way too long. Now, whenever I write bits for my original story, I forget that this is a world I personally created, no one can read my mind so I need to actually take some time to describe things in a little more detail. With fanfic, I work under the assumption that people reading it have at least some basic knowledge of the world and characters so its easy to get lazy with descriptions. Like if I write a scene set inside the Shinra building, I can just say 'Presidents office' or something and most readers will immediately know what it looks like. But I forget that I can't do that in my original work, lol. Since there's castles in my original work, I can't just say 'the throne room', I need to actually describe some details to give a glimpse into what I'm seeing inside my head. Honestly though, I see all this writing advice and stuff floating around the internet and then feel very guilty about my own writing. I don't plan anything, usually. I just sort of...write. I have a vague idea of the start and ending, but I don't write anything down or plan anything more than that. The world just sort of builds itself. I've never felt like I have any control over the situation, shit just sort of happens lol. If I make any attempts to fomally plan anything I write, it goes horribly wrong. Its the number one way to absolutely kill my creativity. At most I like to design maps of my world, so I know what things look like, where the characters are travelling etc. But all the details just naturally happen as I go. I don't know if this is 'wrong', its just the way I do things. So yeah, I'm sorry, I have 0 control over my own writing and characters, they do their own thing. I'm just writing it down lol.

[kimmimaru]

As someone raised by a woman who was a hippy during the sixties, I got very lucky when she gave me my name. Several potential names were thrown about before I was born, one of them being 'Raife'...it's old Norse, meaning wise wolf or something. Now tbh its a pretty cool name, I like the meaning but if things had been different I would probably have been bullied mercilessly at school for it. So, I have used it as a name for one of my characters from my original novel. So I get to honour my mum's unsual name choices in that lol. Honestly it could have been worse, I could have been called something really weird like Starshine, or something equally My Little Pony.