kingcumsalot

[kingcumsalot]

[kingcumsalot]

[kingcumsalot]

[kingcumsalot]

I've been struggling with depression my whole life it comes and go so I know how to battle it, Sooner or later I have to pick myself up and start fighting again. So starting tomorrow I'll choose to be alot happier and change my outlook of life again. I'm tired being sad already, I think it's time for me to stand up again.

[kingcumsalot]

“did i say that out loud?”

[kingcumsalot]

[kingcumsalot]

First time I fell in love with you.

Today was one of those bad days, I parked my car along the street, I didnt think it would be illegal parking since I used to park there everyday but today my car got towed. I walked all the way to central market in Manila from intramuros. When I got to the place it looked very familiar, then I remember it was there when i first fell in love with my ex.... 4 years ago I forgot to renew my licensed after my birthday, so I got caught for a small violation that got my car impounded, during that time I didnt have a big amount of money to pay the impounding place and I didnt had an atm machine. Tried to call my parents for help but they were busy and the messenger in the office was busy as well I was all alone, my last resort was calling marvin. During that time we just got back to dating didnt really trust him, didnt treat him that seriously because I knew he will just leave me like he did before. So I tried my best to control my feelings for him. Back to my story, so I called him up and he came and drove and lend me money just to save my stupid ass. I think that's when I really fell in love with him. No one ever tries to save me, I'm always left by myself to to solve my own problems but that time I felt saved. So back to this afternoon, after walking through Manila pollution, through recto and quiapo market , finally got to central market where my car was impounded. Felt so familiar like I've been here before, then I realize it was the same impounding place 4 years ago. Hayyy I just had a really bad day and that memory just burst into my mind making it even worst. I know I have to let go of the past... there were good times specially when I started but it had to end somewhere, maybe I'm not the same kid he met years ago. I grew up and I know what I want now and he cant manipulate me anymore. But I still do miss him alot.

[kingcumsalot]

No matter how abused I was I would never ever make an effort to ruin someone's day or at least do something terrible to someone intentionally. I've been bullied, abused and tormented all my life and never did I ever had a single bad action against anyone unintentionally.

Sorry for the length! I had a lot to get off my chest.

BACK STORY: When I was 12, my mom got married to a halfway decent guy. He’s not bad, but he’s not great either, but he made my mom happy and that’s all that I cared about. In fact, I cared so much about her happiness that I was willing to endure 6 years of living under the same roof as his self-obsessed, obnoxious, spoiled daughter, Amy. The entire time we lived together, she would project all of her insecurities onto me in the form of insults. Being young and wildly insecure about myself, these daily insults well and truly cut me to the core and just continued the cycle of crippling insecurity.

When I started “talking to” a boy for the first time, Kyle, she all of a sudden developed an intense infatuation with him and told me I was forbidden from communicating with him from then on. I was insecure but I was not a pushover. When I didn’t listen to her demands, she took it a step further and told Kyle I had ongoing relationships with several other boys (untrue), which he unfortunately believed. I was completely crushed. She then swooped in and took every opportunity to rub it in my face that she “won” him (i.e. inviting him to my birthday parties at home, inviting me out with her only to later reveal I would be thirdwheeling on their date, making him compliment me and then gloating about how she had such a nice boyfriend, etc). This sort of thing happened countless times, not with just boys but with friends and even workplaces! They ended up dating for two years and, although they had a nasty breakup, Kyle and I remained on good terms, which drove her up the wall. She would constantly ask me, “So did you guys hook up behind my back yet?” while claiming to have moved on already.

When we finally graduated high school (we were in the same year), I could not be happier to move out and go to college. While I was finally living the life I wanted without her toxicity, she went to 2 different unaccredited schools, both of which she dropped out of after 1 semester at each. Eventually, she moved back in with our parents in our hometown and fell into her old ways again (assuming she had ever grown out of them). On the eve of her 19th birthday, she posted to FB about how her friends had gifted her a fake ID and raved about their plans to club hop for her birthday.

Even though I lived 500mi away, she still had to find some way to rub it in my face that I would be missing out on all the fun. I was invited to her birthday event page on FB, where she detailed all the extravagant and expensive things she planned for her special day. We’re talking limo rental, VIP rooms at 2 of the biggest clubs in town, and even some photographer guy who would follow them like paparazzi. She made a public post on the event page where she tagged me and said, “It’s going to be amazing! Too bad you’ll miss out! HAHA. You’ll have to wait 2 years before you can experience any of this.”

It had been about a year since I had last seen or spoken to her. By this point, I was at a much happier place with myself, emotionally. It took me a while to shake off the effects of her emotional abuse, but by god, I did it and I wasn’t going to let her drag me back to those lows again. But this post got me to reminisce about all the things that she had done to me in the past and I couldn’t help but feel a boiling rage inside.

Now, unbeknownst to her, Kyle had recently reconnected with me on FB. It only friendly conversation between us, catching up on each other’s lives, until he suggested we meet up and have lunch (he went to another college an hour away). Lunch turned into us having an afternoon-long shit-talking-fest about Amy. He confessed that she was emotionally abusive to him during their relationship and the only time they didn’t fight was when I was in their company (which is why he didn’t mind me thirdwheeling on all those dates, apparently). During this, he also confessed he had feelings for me but couldn’t forgive himself for letting Amy dangle him in front of me, because he knew that I had liked him. This guilt was apparently something he had been carrying for years and finally found the courage to apologize for now.

REVENGE: Here’s where we get petty. I convinced Kyle to alert his brother, who happened to be the marketing director for one of the clubs Amy had reserved a VIP room at, of these upcoming birthday plans. After he did that, I went home and called the limousine rental company and pretended to be a concerned parent and insisted no alcohol be available since several of the girls were underage. They let me know that they were very appreciative of the notice. And then, I did a little digging and found out who the “paparazzi” guy would be and called him to cancel his services for the event. With her birthday coming up in just a couple of days, I sat back and waited to let the chips fall where they may… and it was better than I could have hoped for. When I asked about it a few days afterwards, she was sure to screech every beautiful detail to me over the phone.

Since the limo did not provide them with alcohol, they stopped by a friend’s house to “pre-game” and sneak in their own supply. Once the driver noticed the gaggle of very drunk girls in his limo, he stopped and made them throw away all of the liquor they snuck in. When they got to the first club, Kyle’s brother, who knew Amy as Kyle’s ex, confronted them at the door and told them there was no way in hell they were getting in. This was VERY upsetting to these group of drunk girls and they all proceeded to make a huge drunken scene, going so far as showing him Amy’s fake ID to “prove” they were allowed in…except the name on the ID wasn’t hers. Kyle’s brother, or “Assfucker” as Amy called him, had security forcibly remove them from the premises. As the cherry on top, he contacted his friends at the other clubs in town and warned them of Amy and her underage entourage, successfully banning her from every single dance club/bar in a 20mi radius. She didn’t even get a refund on the deposits for the VIP rooms. She’s lucky she wasn’t arrested, but she still plays victim to “horrible bad luck.”

TL;DR: Evil stepsister torments me in our teen years so I ruin her last teenage birthday by getting her banned from every club in town and making her waste thousands of dollars. Also, I fucked Kyle.

[kingcumsalot]

You know what suck? Losing that something that controls your emotion. Without it your anxiety and depression comes back. As much as I hate depending on it, theres nothing you can do when you lose it. You just have to move on and find something else that can help emotionally anchor you but for now you have to be strong. Do what you think makes you happy and maybe along the way you might find something new.

[kingcumsalot]

Sti

[kingcumsalot]

[kingcumsalot]

this thread absolutely killed me

[kingcumsalot]

[kingcumsalot]

With everything i risked already for my parents. I feel that i am. Im stuck with them and there's nothing i can do about it. As long as im in their shadow i think i can never find love.

You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions. You are not your parent’s possessions.

[kingcumsalot]

I need this to feed my expensive addiction so i can be numb of the pain.

if you’re reading this

a lump sum of money is on the way to you

[kingcumsalot]

I hope

Before February ends, a miracle is going to happen

[kingcumsalot]

I guess it's time to get back on tumblr to channel all my emotions again. Dont feel comfortable expressing it on Instagram.

A few months ago I broke up with Marvin, I cant believe I did that but the constant lying and cheating . I just couldnt stay in that relationship anymore. But maybe he wasnt lying or cheating.. maybe my trauma from the past is still hunting me. Ever since the first time i caught him, it was never the same. I love him sooo much but i dont know how to deal with the pain anymore. Its been 4 years of ups and downs with him nevertheless I loved him more than anyone Ive loved before. This love was different it changed me and I think it made me a better person but I'm afraid that i think i gave too much love again. It might not be his intension to abuse it, maybe it was me who made him into that.

I dont know anymore, I still miss him. I dont know how to tell him that. I tried to reach out after the break up but i think he doesnt want to get back together anymore. Maybe he got tired of our endless cycle already but so do I but i still love him.

I feel bad most of the time because I've been prioritizing my family, school, work and friends more than him. I love him but i cant give him what he wants and it kills me inside more than anything. Ive always tried my best to givr what he wants and its killing me that i cant give him the time or at least sleep over another night with him. Hayyy

Miss being back here i can finally voice out the things thats crawling in my brain at night and that keeps me awake until 6am, The demons that makes me drink almost every night, the random anxiety attack that hits me after being happy.