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Day One - not an epic comeback

After what seems like eons later, I am finally back to writing down my thoughts, feelings, doubts etc. I finally have the courage to start penning down things in my head, because I know it’s not helping me & not healthy keeping it all in to myself. I’ve had countless mental/emotional breakdowns before deciding to start a virtual journal once again.

Every year, everyone seems to hope for a better life, better job, better relationships/bonds between each other etc. Hope. That is one of the powerful things to keep someone out of desperation going. A convincing tool for motivation.

However for me, hope is a wavering feeling that I’ve been constantly fighting to keep. This year has been an endless wave of self-doubt, stressing about the future, feeling of being a burden to my loved ones (especially my parents), not deserving to have the luxury of all the good things & fun times I’ve been having, wondering about whether my current love life is going to get better or an impending doom.

Yesterday night, I broke down. Again. In the bathroom this time. All of these thoughts came rushing back in one by one, like a movie being played out. I wish there is an on-off switch somewhere, so I don’t have to feel like this when I don’t want to, which is ALL. THE. TIME. LOL

These are the things that decided to punch me in the face consecutively at 9PM last night:

Jobless for coming to six months (am I really not an employee material?????)

Turning 26 in two months’ time & my future is foggy as hell (like I can’t even see what’s ahead biiitch)

Sucks being dependent on my parents when it is supposed to be the other way round - therefore the feeling of being a burden is pretty overwhelming

Having fun with my loved ones makes me feel guilty for being a pretentious prick who has her life all under control (LOL what a joke) - always being there for others but never thought of being there for myself

Gaining more weight than I should have & being an unhealthy couch potato (been pinching my fats & hating to take selfies because of the overly attached, uninvited flabby partners #sorrynotsorry) - thus been eating only one meal per day & trying out intermittent fasting, which makes me crave for unhealthy junk foods in the end *smh*

Feeling like H is thousands of miles away despite us being in the same country, albeit the long distance thingy from East to West (SG inside joke LOL) + his work schedule makes it a bit hard to be with him a lot. Questioning whether are we really okay or has the spark between us totally fizzled out (afraid to find out though *sighs*)

I should not have suppressed my mental health for so long & thinking I wouldn’t relapse. BIG MISTAKE. And I don’t even know if I’ve totally develop a new mental friend called anxiety. Seems like I have. Definitely a very bad companion with my suppressed depression spewing out like volcanic lava - I’ll be feeling super unmotivated to do anything (even eating) yet having all these ideas to be productive af. DEFINITELY NOT A MOOD TO BE ROMANTICISED IN SOCIAL MEDIA.

After typing all of that out, I realized something: how the hell have I been surviving through all these constant ordeals within the span of few months?  Hope? Love? Dreams? Happiness? Support from loved ones? 

I really have no idea, but I’m trying to get by each day.

I guess I’m a survivor after all.