kirindah

[kirindah]

Acknowledgement

Kayaknya ya seikhlas-ikhlasnya aku melakukan sesuatu, kalau pada akhirnya ga di-acknowledge tuh jujur sedih dan marah.

Jadi jatuhnya ini tuh ikhlas atau ga?

I guess not ya hahaha

Apalagi kalau misal ga di-acknowledge karena ke-ignorance pihak tertentu, yang seolah menggiring opini bahwa apa yang aku lakukan tuh ga beres atau something off. Maksudnya kaya could you mempelajari dulu kah yang sebenarnya terjadi sebelum berkomentar? Soalnya kaya jadi sedih, seolah apa yang aku kerjakan tuh ga ada artinya, ga ada manfaatnya.

Lagi-lagi ini karena aku butuh validasi makhluk ya?

Padahal mah kalau memang ikhlas dan lillahi ta'ala mah ya bodo amat ga sih, mau orang lain bilang kamu buruk, toh Allah tahu apa yang sebenarnya terjadi. No worries lah.

Tapi ya again, aku makhluk hidup yang punya perasaan juga, jadi I guess normal merasakan kaya gini. Walau harus banyak-banyak istighfar biar ga kegiring setan.

Tapi maksudnya ini jadi pembelajaran buat aku bahwa perasaan ini tuh ada lho, kan aku bisa lebih berhati-hati lagi dalam berhubungan sama manusia kalau misal aku ada di case pihak yang aku ceritakan. Kaya kita bisa lho berusaha memahami kejadian semuanya secara keseluruhan baru berkomentar, agar semuanya tervalidasi perasaannya.

Tapi ya memang susah sih ya menvalidasi semua perasaan orang...

Tapi at least we can do better, walau ga semua at least kita berusaha sebanyak mungkin pihak kita validasi ya kan?

Yaudah gitu aja deh, masya Allah ya memang lika-liku berhubungan sama makhluk, selalu aja ada jedar-jedernya. Banyak-banyak istighfar. Allah is enough.

[kirindah]

Is it that hard to say sorry?

Apakah posisi bikin orang jadi makin berat mengeluarkan kata itu ya. Astaghfirullah semoga di posisi apapun aku ga akan jadi berat meminta maaf, berterima kasih, dan mengucap tolong.

Padahal salah satu yang paling baik di dunia ini ya memudahkan urusan orang lain. Tapi kok ya ada pihak yang mempersulit urusan orang lain dan seignorance itu bahkan ga minta maaf saat jelas-jelas udah menyulitkan hidup orang lain.

Astaghfirullah mungkin aku lagi emosi aja tapi terlepas itu tetep aja kesel ga ada satupun kata maaf keluar. Astaghfirullah astaghfirullah astaghfirullah lembutkanlah hatiku untuk memafkan ya Allah...

Busan, 2 Januari 2025 (9°)

Tahun baru di awali dengan emosi baru ga sih nie huffff

Kalo lagi kaya gini jujur jadi males berhubungan sama manusia AAAAKKKKKKK

[kirindah]

Adulting tuh bener-bener bikin kita menelan semua perasaan sendiri ya. Kalaupun pada akhirnya dishare juga sebenernya itu udah melewati proses berdamai dengan diri sendiri juga, dan mungkin ga fully reflect the actual one. Mungkin ini yang dirindukan jadi anak kecil, bisa express their feelings sesukanya. Sekarang mah rasanya kaya harus mikirin banyak pihak biar nyaman semuanya, tapi kadang bikin sesek dada yang ga bisa dijelaskan.

Tapi ya aku aware perasaan-perasaan ini akan terus ada, memang harus banyak berlatih gimana mengelola perasaan yang ada-ada aja macam dan bentuknya. Yeah beginilah konsekuensi menjadi dewasa yang masih suka bikin kaget hahaha

Busan, 31 Desember 2024 (8°)

Lagi looping dengerin "Bunga Maaf"-nya The Lantis

[kirindah]

Pernah denger katanya kalo lingkungan yang kamu tempati sekarang sebagai akademisi membuat kamu merasa bodoh berarti kamu di lingkungan yang tepat. Karena katanya kamu jadi termotivasi buat ga "bodoh" lagi.

But guess what hahaha kayaknya makin tua jiwa membara dan ambisiku juga ikut luruh. Not gonna lie, I constantly feel like a fool here. Moreover, I feel like everyone underestimates me, which is maybe I deserve to be underestimated hahaha. Tapi perasaan merasa bodoh yang terus-terusan ini sama sekali ga bikin aku termotivasi untuk bebas dari perasaan itu. Justru malah jadi demotivated. Jadi wondering: "Aku sebodoh itukah?", "Aku ga semampu itukah makanya mereka ga percaya sama aku?", dan lain-lain.

Tapi ya lagi-lagi pemikiran itu muncul karena aku bandingin hidup aku sama hidup orang lain yang mana jelas-jelas ga apple to apple. I am not them, and they are not me. Kaya bandingin apel sama jeruk. Kalo mau bandingin mah ya bandingin sama the old you, pasti bakal kelihatan progress yang kamu capai. And then you will realize you are not that stu... pid...?

Tapi masalahnya kalo mau compare to the old me memang progress phdku agak lambat dibanding progress master HAHAHA. Makanya ya tetep sedih karena dibandingin sama the old me juga, I feel like I deserve to be underestimated. Tapi mungkin kalau boleh membela phd sama master tuh kaya udah beda tingkat kali ya. Hahaha benar-benar terkesan membela diri.

Tapi bagian yang ambisi memudar itu beneran. Makin tua bukannya makin berambisi tapi malah jujur pengin hidup sesederhana mungkin. Yang penting dikelilingi sama orang-orang baik dan disayang Allah. Itu tuh udah cukup.

Semoga kita semua bisa hidup dengan aman, nyaman, dan tentram, sayang sama Allah dan disayangi Allah, bermanfaat untuk umat dan didoakan oleh penduduk bumi dan langit. Aamiin!

Mari kembali mencoba bermanfaat walau sambil nangis (karena merasa bodoh setiap hari) 😆✊️✨️

[kirindah]

"If you got obsessed, you will get hurt"

[kirindah]

Makin kesini kayaknya Allah buat aku semakin legowo tentang hidupku. Khususnya masalah percintaan. Kayaknya dulu aku semenggebu-gebu itu buat bisa menikah, membentuk keluarga yang sakinah mawadah warrahmah, and having children. Sekarang juga masih, cuman kaya yaudah gitu lho, ga yang di bawa sedih. Soalnya kayak berasa sempit banget kalo khawatirin hal-hal yang di luar kuasa kita. Dan setelah aku pikir-pikir juga sebenernya aku sadar kenapa aku belum disampaikan ke takdir menikah hahaha ada banyak hal yang membuatku realize "oh emang aku belum mampu deh kayaknya ini..."

Jadi singkatnya, Allah menyelamatkanku.

Pernah baca, ada orang yang bilang bahwa kalau dia berdoa dan doanya dikabulin dia bakal bersyukur 1x. Tapi dia bakal bersyukur 10x kalo doanya ga terkabul.

Lah?

Yes. Soalnya kalo doa dia ga terkabul itu artinya kehendak Allah yang sedang berjalan dan itu PASTI jauh lebih baik dari doa dia. And I completely agree!!!

Allah yang menciptakan kita, Allah juga yang tahu apa yang baik buat kita. Jadi kalo keinginan-keinginan yang kita rancang sendiri ga terkabul percayalah bahwa itu bukan yang terbaik buat kita dan Allah sedang menyelamatkan kita dari kemudhorotan yang akan kita terima kalau keinginan kita itu tercapai. Dan sebenernya dengan tidak terkabul itu ya Allah mengabulkan doa kita dengan sesuatu yang "lebih baik".

Selagi aku bisa menebar banyak manfaat dan memberi kebahagiaan ke banyak pihak termasuk diriku sendiri, sambil terus berkembang menjadi hamba yang hebat biar bisa menjayakan islam di muka bumi ini, kenapa "kesendirian" bikin aku jadi "tidak berfungsi" sih? Kan rugi banget ga sih hahaha.

Ya walau tetep berdoa biar doa itu terkabul, tapi tetep menjalankan hidup sebaik-baiknya dan ga terpuruk. Soalnya rencana kita mah beneran ga ada apa-apanya dalam hal kebaikan di dalamnya dibandingkan rencana Allah. Ya kan???

Yaudah mari kita mengumpulkan energi untuk beres-beres kamar (?)

[kirindah]

Kenapa ya "pembuktian" itu seolah penting. Seolah kita tuh harus buktiin ke semua orang kalo kita "happy", "sedih", "menderita", dll. Tapi kebayang sih mungkin rasanya kaya ada yang kurang aja kalo kita mengakui kondisi kita sendirian. Soalnya bisa muncul pertanyaan "emang aku beneran happy?" dan lain sebagainya. Ternyata validasi orang lain tuh mungkin memang seberpengaruh itu ya. Kapan ya aku bisa mencapai titik dimana gausah membutuhkan validasi ini? Maksudnya, yaudah validasinya dari diri sendiri aja. Aku happy, aku sad, aku anxious, aku capek, dan lain sebagainya. Kuncinya mungkin ya detachment to people yang mana susah ya, tapi susah bukan berarti tidak bisa ya khan. Allah alone is enough kan ceunah, yuk bisa yuk.

[kirindah]

اللْهُمَّ إِنَّكَ عَفُوٌّ تُحِبُّ الْعَفْوَ فَاعْفُ عَنِّي

allahumma innaka afuwwun tuhibbul afwa fa'fu anni

"O Allah, Indeed You are Forgiving and love forgiveness, so forgive me”

the best dua to recite in the last 10 days of ramadan. may allah accept our repentance.

[kirindah]

Setelah aku pikir-pikir aku anaknya sekompetitif itu sama siapapun. Bahkan di kondisi sekarangpun yang kayaknya ambisinya udah jatuh melejit juga aku masih uneasy sama situasi "kalah". Dan jeleknya aku kalau ngerasa kalah ya jadi merasa sehina-hinanya manusia, merasa ga pantas. Dan berujung sedih dan ga ada energi buat berinteraksi sama siapapun. Merasa falling behind hahaha. Tetap ga terbiasa sama kondisi ini, masih cari-cari cara yang tepat biar periode sedihnya memendek. Tapi kata-kata "try to accept not escape" tuh nyentil aku banget lol. Dan maksudnya jadi sedikit-sedikit mencoba menerima "yaudah aku kalah", "ga terlalu buruk juga", "kita atur lagi yuk biar ga kalah lagi, ataupun kalau kalah ya ga kalah kalah banget, kalah yang masih bisa dibanggain" wkwkwkwk

[kirindah]

Tuhan, semoga hati ini tetap teguh pada keyakinan-keyakinan baik yang selama ini kupercayai. Teguhkanlah hati ini ketika dihadapkan pada keragu-raguan yang membuatnya rawan putus asa. Agar semua yang sedang kuperjuangkan dan kuyakini, tak menjadi sia-sia. Meski, aku tahu betul bahwa tidak ada yang sia-sia bagiMu. Aku tahu caraMu tak sama dengan caraku. Aku hanya berdoa dengan sangat, semoga apa yang menjadi ujianku tak seberat itu, meski aku juga sangat tahu selama ini bahwa ujian itu tak pernah lebih besar dariku. Aku hanya takut, saat hatiku lemah. Aku kehilangan keyakinan dan aku memiliki perasaan sia-sia. Maka, teguhkanlah hatiku. ©kurniawangunadi Tuhan, berikan aku kekuatan, agar semua keyakinanku tak akan menjadi sia-sia.

[kirindah]

Today, I realized something important. I really enjoy my own company. It's not surprising, I took a test that said I'm 98% introverted. Being alone means less drama with others. I have to admit, I'm the kind of person who can get hurt easily, even by small things. That's why I try my best to avoid situations where I have to socialize with people. This also made me notice that even when I pray, I ask for help with my social life. I ask God to get me through each day because it's tough for me. Do you know K-Drama "Liberation Notes"? At first, I didn't understand the main character, who's an introvert. But as I've gotten older, I get what she's talking about, like in one episode where she said making connections with others feels like a job. It really is a tough job sometimes. I often put aside my own feelings to make others feel better. So, there's a song by Woodz called "ABYSS," and he's right when he sings "You know what, more than anything, I must the one who love myself less."

[kirindah]

Yesterday, I indulged in a captivating Netflix series called D*P. It's an intriguing portrayal of military service in South Korea, and even after watching just the first episode, I could sense its deep exploration of the seniority practice prevalent in the country.

Having lived in South Korea for over two years, I can attest that the concept of seniority runs deep in society, to the extent that you can easily discern the junior from the senior within a group of people on the streets. While I appreciate the importance of respecting seniority, I can't help but notice that something seems awry with how it's practiced in South Korea.

The series exemplifies how some seniors wield their power to assert dominance based on their seniority. Regrettably, juniors often find themselves compelled to unquestioningly comply with anything their seniors say or do, even when it may not be the right course of action. This unquestioning obedience is disheartening to witness.

I acknowledge that seniority holds a place of significance in society, but true respect cannot be commanded through the misuse of power. Rather, if seniors act with genuine authority and respect, juniors will naturally respond in kind.

I wonder, what do those who abuse their seniority truly seek to achieve? I find it puzzling that they would choose to demand respect rather than earn it through their actions and character.

Perhaps this deep-rooted seniority practice is a product of tradition dating back generations, making it difficult to transform into a more positive and equitable approach. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful that positive changes will come, not only in South Korea but across the globe. Let us strive for a world where mutual respect prevails and where the wisdom and guidance of elders are cherished, but not at the expense of individual autonomy and critical thinking.

In the end, I dream of a world at peace, where respect is a two-way street, and the values of seniority are reshaped into something that fosters understanding, growth, and unity.

[kirindah]

In awe of Allah's boundless grace, I find myself overcome with goosebumps. I am filled with gratitude, reflecting on how every prayer sent to Allah receives a response – be it an immediate answer, a timely resolution, or a redirection towards something even greater. The power of prayer has been a magical force in my life, and I earnestly recommend that everyone, no matter how small or insignificant the matter, turns to prayer.

Recently, I encountered a challenging research problem that seemed insurmountable. Nevertheless, I turned to Allah, seeking guidance and assistance. In the following days, I struggled and attempted various solutions, but progress remained elusive. Eventually, I had to put it aside and focus on other tasks. Surprisingly, just when I had moved on, the solution revealed itself. It was a moment of awe, a reminder of how Allah truly listens and responds to our heartfelt supplications.

The fact that I couldn't find a solution for weeks, and then, suddenly, with Allah's help, the answer emerged, left me humbled. It highlighted the immense power of faith and the realization that my knowledge alone could not have brought about this outcome. Indeed, it is Allah who orchestrates events in ways that are beyond our comprehension.

Such experiences reinforce my commitment to be a better servant of Allah, recognizing that gratitude and dedication are the least I can offer in return for the countless blessings bestowed upon me. It is not that Allah needs our prayers; rather, through our prayers, we draw closer to our own betterment and well-being. I have witnessed this phenomenon repeatedly, not just with significant challenges, but even in the smallest matters – like seeking peace in a friend's response to a seemingly unimportant message.

Hence, I urge each one of you to embrace prayer and unwaveringly believe in Allah's perfect timing. May we find solace and strength in knowing that our supplications are received and answered in the best possible way.

[kirindah]

Today, I want to explore something that has been on my mind – feelings of inferiority. It seems like such a common human experience, and I can't help but admit that I, too, have my share of inferiority complexes. There are two specific aspects that bother me the most, and I'd like to reflect on them.

The first is related to my eyesight. It's a bit unusual because my right and left eyes have different prescriptions. In fact, my right eye's prescription is twice as weak as my left eye's. This has resulted in me wearing glasses that are thicker than what most people are used to seeing. I used to get tired of answering questions about my eye condition whenever someone noticed my glasses. But as I grow older, I've come to realize that most people are genuinely curious and mean no harm. It's okay to share this aspect of myself with them, and I shouldn't hold any grudges. Besides, their prayers and well-wishes may actually benefit my eyes in the long run.

The second inferiority complex revolves around my face. I used to struggle with acne, and while it has improved over time, I can't deny that the scars still affect my self-esteem. There are moments when I feel unattractive and worry about what others might think of me. This insecurity even leads me to wear a mask even when it's no longer required. I know it might seem like I'm overly focused on this "stain" on my appearance, but it's something I'm actively trying to overcome.

In my heart, I believe that people are generally kind and understanding. While some may be judgmental, I've learned that they're not the kind of people I want to surround myself with anyway. I'd rather cherish those who appreciate me for who I truly am, flaws and all.

I realize that I should be grateful for the relationships I have, as they show me who genuinely cares for me. So, instead of dwelling on these inferiority complexes, I want to focus on self-improvement and self-acceptance. I'll work on embracing my uniqueness, including my eye condition and the scars on my face, as they are a part of who I am.

As I write these words, I ask for your support in my journey towards inner peace and self-confidence. Please pray for me to find contentment within myself and to be grateful for all the blessings I have received from God.

[kirindah]

Today, I find myself reflecting on the dynamics of emotional connections with others. As I get closer to someone, I notice a growing desire for them to reciprocate the same emotional connection I have for them. It's as if I want them to feel exactly what I feel, to respond to me in a certain way, and to be there for me without me even having to ask. But as I mature, I realize that these expectations are my own, and everyone is unique. I can't impose my desires on them.

I come to understand that people don't have a responsibility to meet all my expectations, and it's unfair to expect them to mirror my actions and emotions. Love and connection can be expressed in countless ways, not limited to how I express them. Maybe others show love in their own unique manner, one that I haven't even considered.

I admit that in the past, I hoped for others to treat me the way I treated them. It seemed childish, but I now see that love is multifaceted. It doesn't have to be mirrored exactly. My new mindset frees me from the burden of expecting others to match my actions, and it also helps me take ownership of my own happiness. I realize that I am responsible for my well-being, not reliant on others to fulfill that role.

As a result, I am learning to detach from people, regardless of the closeness or depth of my love for them. I fear that becoming too attached might lead to hurt and disappointment when my expectations aren't met. Moreover, I worry about unintentionally hurting those who care about me deeply. Yet, I still want to contribute to their happiness, understanding that it can also bring me joy in return.

These days, I strive to embrace the concept of detached love – loving others without imposing my expectations on them. I want to appreciate the uniqueness of each individual's expression of affection. By doing so, I aim to become more accepting, understanding, and grateful for the connections that life brings my way.

[kirindah]

I often wonder what stops me from taking the next step in my love life. At first, I thought it was because I wanted to have some level of interest in a person before pursuing them. But, today, I just realized that what I really crave is to be wanted. It's a feeling that I've never experienced before, and it's something that I deeply desire.

Why do I jump to this conclusion? Actually, I just found out that someone I'm interested in meets all my initial requirements for a potential partner. However, I didn't feel particularly excited about this news. Because one of the things I made sure about him was whether he had any other potential partners he was considering for marriage, and the answer is no.

Although I should be happy to hear that he has no other potential partners in mind, it still leaves me with a sense of disappointment. I can't help but think that his lack of interest in considering me as a potential partner means that he doesn't want me in the way that I want him. It's a realization that leaves me feeling a little sad, even though I can't help but laugh at myself for feeling this way.

I think my desire to be wanted stems from a lifetime of never feeling wanted by anyone else. I want to know what it feels like to be loved and adored by someone who wants me just as much as I want them. Although some might think that my desire is fueled by the romantic K-Dramas that I watch, my feelings are valid, right?

Now everything is starting to make sense. I've been reflecting on what qualities I want a man to love me for, and I've realized that I want someone who finds me cute and adorable. You know that feeling when someone looks at you with adoration, even when you're doing something silly? I want to experience that feeling too, lol.

Am I too old to want something like this in my life? I hope not.

Well, anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk, lol.

[kirindah]

Ada satu hal yang aku sadari semenjak aku masuk usia dewasa. Ternyata aku cukup berprinsip dengan kesetaraan dan timbal balik, yang mana kadang baik dan kadang bisa juga jadi buruk. Tapi seringnya buruk sih kalo di aku huhuhu.

Aku sadar, khususnya dalam sebuah hubungan, hubungan apapun, aku selalu menuntut kesetaraan dan timbal balik dalam diam. Kenapa ga bersuara? Entahlah... mungkin sebenernya aku sendiri sadar bahwa aku gabisa menuntut itu juga karena ga semua orang punya prinsip yang sama kaya aku.

Makin gede makin sadar bahwa beneran gabisa menerapkan prinsip itu ke sesama manusia. Siapapun. Sedekat apapun. Pasti ada aja kecewanya. Pasti ada sakit hatinya.

Prinsip itu cuma bisa diterapin ke hubungan kita sama Allah. Bahkan Allah kadang ngasih lebih. Seperti yang sering kita denger. Satu langkah kita menuju Allah, 1000 langkah Allah menuju kita. Kita berjalan ke Allah, Allah berlari ke kita.

Karena hal ini, dulu sempet ambil kesimpulan yang salah, bahwa aku gabutuh manusia, aku cuma butuh Allah. Ga salah total sih, tapi perlu dikoreksi. Karena berhubungan sama manusia bisa kita jadikan sarana berdakwah dan memperpanjang silaturahmi yang mana Allah sangat suka hamba-Nya yang melakukan kedua hal itu.

Jadi, gimana dong nanti kalo sakit hati dan kecewa lagi pas berhubungan sama manusia?

Banyak-banyak istighfar dan minta dikuatin sama Allah. Dan... niatkan berhubungan sama manusia ini untuk Allah.

Susah? Tentu aja. Menurutku ini tuh kaya belajar sabar, yang mana seumur hidup. Sakit hati - sabar - istighfar dan berdoa - coba lagi. Sampe kita kuat, sampe kita jadi agen-agen Islam yang beneran menunjukkan sisi "Islam"-nya.

Semoga selalu Allah kuatkan! ♡

Busan, 2 Oktober 2022 (25°C)

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