kitnaksstuff

[kitnaksstuff]

my friend's mother came to visit campus today. she wanted to meet us as well. i find that it is very hard to not be angry at a dead boy when you watch his mother cry in front of you.

[kitnaksstuff]

i havent said this anywhere else but i suppose since i went through the trouble to make this blog i might as well put it here. i genuinely thought of anish as a better version of me. we were so alike it was uncanny but i feel like he was just a bit better. he was definitely smarter than me and a lot more put together. brave too, and not afraid to be honest in the ways that i am.

i think thats why losing him felt so unreal - he was supposed to be better than me all the time. like i knew better than most that he was suffering and he was in pain but i think somehow i thought he would push through it. i thought he would make it because he had to. but it doesnt really matter what i think.

it hurt a little to hear him describe me the way he did in those voice notes. to hear him say hes never met anyone who cares about anything as much as i did. thats how i felt about him, i thought that he loved things in a way i couldnt ever understand - that he loved deeply and sincerely while any love i had was flighty and temporary but he saw me differently. and he saw himself differently. we were wretched mirrors of each other, seeing the other as a better version of ourselves, and i cannot help but think that if i realised that earlier, if he saw himself the way i saw him, then maybe he would still be here.

[kitnaksstuff]

@endlessnamelesseternity @jupiter-suggestion @filmnoirsbian @firstfullmoon

[kitnaksstuff]

you ever get surprised by your own recurring issues. like come on man. I thought we were past this.

[kitnaksstuff]

i dreamt of ani the other night. it was weird, as dreams tend to be I suppose. i cant really remember what happened before that point but my dream-self walked into a restaurant (an odd mix of two of the 'bars' around uni) and i saw him at a table and i stopped. i dont think ive ever had a lucid dream before but this was the closest i got because i saw him and fear gripped my heart. i knew he was dead. or he was supposed to be dead. but my mind was so desperate to hold on to this, to seeing him for the first time in months, that i was convincing myself that this is just a memory of some kind. then he ate some chips that were at the table and i knew that it wasnt a memory - ani hated snacks for some reason.

it was strange because then i looked at him, sitting next to me, alive, and i thought "oh this is what it means when they say someone is doomed from the start". because even in this dream i saw him and i thought ah he will die soon but not yet. he hasnt yet. and it killed me when i woke up because i hated that i even briefly thought of him like that. but its been a day and i think i mightve been right. anish was sadder for longer than he knew me. theres probably nothing i couldve done to actually change that, and god knows i tried. but in this dream, the knowledge of his death just made me want to make him laugh again.

[kitnaksstuff]

A reminder not to watch eurovision and not to vote - even if you're scared israel will win. this is not about who wins and who loses, this is about the Palestinian BDS movement asking us to enact cultural and material boycott of a TV show that's plaforming a genocidal ethnostate. don't give them your money.