kittykazami

[kittykazami]

you figured it out

Ok so I figured some things out and some how still feel like I'm not enough. Identity crisis still here. I can never tell him some things and that's ok I think. I tell him everything else... it was better than before.

[kittykazami]

I'm so alone after having my daughter

I used to think I was alone when someone couldn't relate to me. But it wasn't till 1 year into covid, 8 months into not working, 6 months into not having a friend, 5 months since I gave birth, and 2 months since its been illigal to see anyone outside of my household that I've really felt alone. I have no one I can talk to. My whole world is my daughter and my husband and yet I feel like the worst mother and wife. I only have 2 relationships to maintain and I can't even do that.

[kittykazami]

I wish I slept around more

I regret only being In serious long term relationships. I keep having dreams where I'm young and hot again... And best of all... Completely free. But I wasted that time with my loser ex boyfriend and I don't even know why!! I feel like I was robbed of my youth by my own stupidity.

[kittykazami]

I haven't had a dream actually scare me in a long time. I was holding my little girl and walking to a place I was calling home. It was almost dark and I was walking along a highway. Eventually I came across the military all gathered by this one turn off... Where I needed to go. No one went on the road. They seemed pretty scared of it. I thought I would get into some trouble going towards them but I didn't. They let me pass and watched me. I Started walking down this dark road and the cement started to feel softer and soften... I noticed I was feeling light. I felt like I could easily run and did. As I started running it got easier and easier the further down the road I got. Then I started seeing short glimpses of people as I ran past. They started to become more and more easy to see. But they weren't solid like normal people.. more like translucent outlines made of light. They got closer and closer to me and there were more and more showing up but I kept running. I needed to get home. I closed my eyes and held my little girl tight as I kept running. I knew I was surrounded. I stopped running and opened my eyes, they were everywhere. I woke up to my little girl kicking me and moving around. I don't know if I woke up because she was moving. Or if I woke her up because I was scared and it in turn made her heart race.

[kittykazami]

It's amazing how different you're life can be in a year. A little over a year ago my brother in law tried to kill himself when some girl who was clearly mentally ill and using him left for her ex. What's funny is they weren't even together very long. I think a month or two. I remember that night my husbands phone started ringing at like 2am and it was his brother in a panic. I woke hubby up and he just started crying listening to his brother. I was pretty sure we'd be burrying a body that night. His brother coked out and high on acid was driving around with a gun wanting to kill himself. Of course my hubby got up and said he would meet his brother somewhere. Now my hubby doesn't do well under pressure. I was scared of him going alone as he's never dealt with something like this before. So I got up and tagged along with him. We met him at a Walmart parking lot. I sat in the car while he went to talk to his brother. It all turned out ok. Well they both lived at least. After that I talked to his brother alot. I sort of understood what he was going through as I almost did the same thing for the same reason years ago. But what I could never understand is how he couldn't get over her. I waited a month.. then another.. and another... And another. Soon it had almost been half a year and he still couldn't get past her. He thought she was the one. that stupid little no body who was likely going to end up dead in some strange man's house after overdosing. I waited for months and tried my best to help him... But no. He refused to move on. He didn't even put a little effort into his life. He went out of his way to make it worse Infact. Which I could get over if he didn't drag other down with him. And now he's turned into a loser just like her. And I honestly doubt he'll ever change. He's going to end up just like his dad. Alone with only his drugs and self pity to comfort him at night, living on his parents property waiting for them to die hoping that they'll leave him enough money that he won't have to work for his dreams. They'll just be handed to him. I've honestly never been so disappointed and angry at anyone in my whole life. He is taking advantage of his parents to an unacceptable level. They can't retire when they want to now. I honestly only ever went back on here to keep an eye on my brother in law to see how he's doing. But now I can see he is a lost cause. He is is doing nothing but bringing is family down with him. He posts on here about how he should die and I can't even disagree.

[kittykazami]

I've been depressed. Very depressed... And anxious. I think maybe I can't fully trust my husband to provide for us. It's always been me. I've always been our rock. He's never had good solid consitant work. And now I'm going on maternity leave in 1 weeks... And I can't stop hating everything.

[kittykazami]

Cyber Six

"There's a time when the moon reveals its face through the clouds. I let out a sigh and want to cry out loud. But deep in my heart, I feel love so alive. From the depths of my soul, I know we will survive. I'm the one they would break In their greed and their pride. But deep in my heart, I feel love so alive. From the depths of my soul, I know we will survive!"

[kittykazami]

The Gamer Girl Of Everyone's Dreams 😻

[kittykazami]

Exhausted

I can't stop myself from feeling exhausted all the time. Every aspect of my life is slowly draining my happiness and joy. I feel like it might be too late to revive me. I don't know if I'll come back after this. My work is beating me down... In a place that I once enjoyed being, I'm now feeling like I don't matter anymore. I've be told I did something wrong but can't see what that thing is. Like I'm just a scapegoat. At home my family isn't that connected anymore. Things have changed and I feel it. My husband is also exhausted and on his last feet. My husband's family is doing aweful. I fear for most of their lives and futures... But I don't think I can help. All in all what really gets me down is knowing I can't do anything. Knowing that some things are out of my control. So here i go. Continuing down this never ending path. Hoping that one day I'll finally be at peace. That one day I'll be able to do all the things I wanted to do. Hoping the sacrifices were worth it. I'll keep going... We'll keep going.

[kittykazami]

Prime Memes

When you see so many prime memes in a row but don't tag your friends cause it's already been 3 times in the past minute and you're not ready to admit you have no life

[kittykazami]

Adventure

I'm really feeling a spontaneous trip. One thing on my bucket list is to go on a trip without planning anything. Just a random adventure.

[kittykazami]

Ironic Much

I'm pretty sick of you honestly. You make me feel like I don't matter. Pretty ironic isn't it? You talk all that shit then do it yourself. no wonder you're alone.

[kittykazami]

Customers be like

Customer: "can I have that?" Me *looking around confused trying to figure out what they're pointing at* "My.... Cup?" Customer: "Yes" Me: *looks at my FULL CUP OF TEA then back at them* ".........no........" Customer: "but aren't the cups for the customers??" Me: ".... I.... Brought this from home" *Awkward silence till they leave*

[kittykazami]

Congrats!!

Good job! I officially have no idea what the fuck your problem is :)

[kittykazami]

After all these years

Isn't it funny how after all these years I find myself here again. Asking the same questions... Over thinking what to say and do. I thought I changed. But I guess not. I may have different goals, hopes, and dreams. But when it comes straight down to it I always default to the same place. Like a reset button that can only be pressed when I'm desperate and out of control.

[kittykazami]

[kittykazami]

I keep telling myself maybe we were too young, like meeting at 15 years old wasn’t old enough for you to keep me around. I guess we both had a lot of living left to do like new people to meet, other people to ‘love’ and new places to see. But as the days turn into months and months will eventually turn into years do you go looking for me in others, do you do things that we used to do, just so i cross your mind on purpose? When you are 18 and realize you can make your own decisions, without your high school friends that you don’t see anymore or when your parents finally get off your back, will you look me up on some social media site and realize I look different like my hair is shorter and I dyed it blonde, will you look at my smile and realize I don’t smile the way I used to smile when we were young and in love, will you notice little changes that only you and I would notice? Do you ever think of your future and hope somehow someday we will meet again, the same way we met that first time when we were both 15 and never felt love like this before… I know for sure that days turned into months and even when they turn into years my love for you will never die, until I do. But even when I’m six feet under your voice will still remain in my ears and your touch is all my skin will feel and your face is all my eyes will see, but at least I won’t be able to feel the aching pain in my heart every time I hear your name or when someone asks me about my first love.

~j

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