kittylames

[kittylames]

My “boyfriend” if you could even call him that, tells me to move on, he moves out, is always disappointed in me, never compliments me, I don’t even know if he likes me and only wants me for control

My love interest is a great and fun older man with a positive outlook

How do I break up with my boyfriend? He told me to move on then later says he loves and misses me, I don’t know how to understand this, and if I say something I’m afraid of his retaliation, cos damn is he scary when he can’t control me. I want out but I’m scared. I want to move on but I’m not sure if he’ll let me. I want to be happy with my new love

[kittylames]

Dixie, I’d love to love you

[kittylames]

Why do I feel like dying on my birthday? I feel so unwanted and unloved uncared for, I think I’d relieve those around me if I didn’t exist. I hate feeling this way it’s truly heartbreaking, but I’m glad I can vent. Life is so tiresome my family is so tiresome, eveybody walks all over me takes takes takes, but gives nothing in return, I know that today will be a bad birthday since they truly don’t care about me. My asshole little brother and sister who’ve I’ve dedicated my time and youth practically raising them hate me for it and will most likely not say anything to me, they won’t gift me anything not even a drawing or a letter. My older brother won’t gift me anything either nor will my boyfriend. It’s pretty painful because I wish they would be happy that I’m alive despite my struggling. It’s been a very very rough year and I just wish someone would congratulate me for still being here staying afloat getting better from my addiction. I wish someone would recognize my struggle and congratulate me. But no one cares that much sadly. I hate the need I feel for outside validation I wish it would come from within. I am proud of myself for getting off medication from stopping alcohol for taking care of my siblings and family, but I’m also tired, they don’t make it easy for me. They make my life a living hell and I’ll escape from them soon.

[kittylames]

I’ve lost total control with my food habits. What I think it is is acts a that I’ve lost control of my ability to feel anything unpleasant so I turn to what gives me dopamine, wether it’s writing this post, eating for fun or drinking, binging tv shows, binging ticktock or YouTube or using social media. I’m totally alienated from my responsibilities because those are a drag, so I turn away and forget they exist. And the more I do this the worse my life gets, the less I want to live it and the more I want to disassociate. It’s a horrid cycle. I always think I’ll start doing this when that happens as if that ever works. I tell myself when my boyfriend moves out I’ll get my life together.. but why not now? I lack all motivation

I need to get in shape… badly. I hate who I am on the inside and now it’s even more evident on the outside since I’ve gained so much weight

I can’t wait to look back on this rut when I’m doing better

And I know that day will come and this pass

[kittylames]

Some days I really want to give up,

I fantasize about getting really sick and put in a coma so I don’t have to bear being conscious every damn day and atleast I would be cared for and I’d be safe

[kittylames]

Surviving on 3 hours of sleep and 15 mg Dexedrine 🙃

[kittylames]

Just 3 more pounds to lose and I’ll have lost 10 lbs, then just another 10 to go and I’ll be back to my normal weight

Gaining weight is tough, I gained around 25 pounds and none of my clothes fit me anymore and I feel so ugly. Drinking has really led to my weight gain along with reckless binge eating.

Ever since I started to taper off clonazepam ive been horribly depressed but I’m feeling better now that I’ve been totally off it for around 3 months, but unfortunately I found comfort in food and relief with alcohol since it’s a depressant like clonazepam

I’ve lost all motivation to do anything and my house has become cluttered, really a reflection of my mind. My brain is still healing and withdrawing, alcohol certainly doesn’t help either so I’m trying to stop. I find my mind gets stuck in negative loops all day long and my memory is hazy, it’s hard for me to recall words mid sentence and it makes me feel so dumb, although I know I’m not maybe just right now since I do feel very incompetent with my current state of mind, never mind the physical aspects of withdrawal as well, I’m constantly fatigued but it’s slowly getting better. I wasted many days stuck in bed it’s been awful no doubt

Withdrawing sucks but remembering the reckless things I did while abusing my medication has got to be the worst. I hate who the medication made me, I lost all values and morals and all of who I was. I’m glad I’m off that horrible drug and I’m glad my new psychiatrist made the move to get me off of them since I’d been on them for over a year.

I’ve recently started Dexedrine for adhd, and it’s also been helping me with motivation and energy, it also clears my mind of the negative rumination and anxious thoughts. Suppressed appetite is also a plus.

I hope to keep up with my goals and change myself for the better, I need to get out of this hole I’ve made for myself.

[kittylames]

I want to move far away and start over again

[kittylames]

I’ll get back to my glory one day

[kittylames]

I am redeemable

[kittylames]

What do you do after you’ve committed a series of regrets? It’s not like those acts can be undone or ever erased or forgotten. It’s so hopeless and miserable when everyday is a reminder

[kittylames]

I appreciate my solitude most of the time until I feel overwhelmingly pitiful and lonely

[kittylames]

I forgot what it felt like to be “anonymous” and alone talking into the void and man is it a great feeling

[kittylames]

It’s as if I ruined my life in a couple of months.. how can that be? It doesn’t make sense..25 years down the drain or is it a couple of bad months/a lot of bad decisions? I’m a bit dramatic, since I am redeemable and worth redemption although it doesn’t feel like it *sigh* I hate being stuck in a negative loop… I hope to get out sooner rather than later :) I just want to be free … but to do that I’ll have to go through a lot of pain and lose the one I love. I am too guilty to keep loving him and having him by my side