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kladdagh · 7 years

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Have fun at college - if you’re able

When I started college, I had worked for the summer at a city job where I literally worked my butt off. I think I lost 40-50 lbs that summer. I was also subjected to a lot of abuse for being an amateur, but it wasn’t like I was the biggest idiot, and if your boss is busy trying to find reasons to fire you, then you aren’t going to get positive support.

So while I got told that I didn’t know what I was doing, being on the lowest rank on the proverbial totem pole, it was mostly my job to clean up and make sure everything was locked up, as well as to assist with things when called on to do so. They were jerks, as bad as the boss who fired me before that, because a young patron assaulted me for the crime of standing. The kid did it to get attention from his mom, who was always dumping the kid off on someone else in order to go play video games or watch movies that weren’t kid friendly.

So when I got to college, you saw the kids partying, because “that’s what college is about.” While that is true for some, your GPA does not agree. Time management became my best asset, because as a person with Aspergers, it helps to set a goal for a period of time to get a reading done or study my notes, or even write a paper during the day, before lunch. This got to the point that in my sophomore year, someone who was on my schedule would play rap music while I was in my room, so loud, that I could hear it from their room. The first thing I made sure to have, when I had roommates, was a pair of headphones, so that my music did not disturb them. It really is that simple.

Since I have a problem blocking out loud noises like that, it made it difficult to study, and this was 2002, so there really wasn’t a youtube whereupon I could listen to white noise or something. And of course, like a lot of college students, this guy had a subwoofer; because if we were going to have to listen to his music, we would have to feel it, too. People with subwoofers like that are jerks.

Anyway, so folks who were away at college like this, who did not have disabilities and did not have to worry about money or grades then went about partying themselves silly, because that’s “the college experience.” And I had to deal with neighbors or roommates like that on a regular basis. If I brought up my rights, they often broke any word they gave, shamed me for being a wet blanket, or began mistreating me or my belongings. At one point, while being on a dry campus, where possessing alcohol can get you expelled, my roommate kept booze in the room, because he thought I would roll over.

As college progressed, I realized that these alpha-males who needed to dominate others were extremely toxic, not just to me or others, but to themselves. So I decided to not be like them at all. Every day, some egotistical jerk would shove his way ahead of me in a line, or decide to tell me about what he thought about me or my doings.

As college went on, my classmates went on these long adventures elsewhere, and had jobs that paid for things, and I had nothing. I kept going, struggling, putting in for work and getting nothing. Before I knew it, I had graduated, but because of a lack of accommodations for my disabilities, my GPA was pathetic. Whenever I went out to socialize, it would take me time to decompress, and I was not allowing myself the usual time to study and work on things. When I finished my last course, things were different, and I got to graduate. I studied from home that semester and was able to budget my time. I was also not under the social pressure to fit in with everyone or go out to do things later. So I ended up having more fun elsewhere, even if I felt like I was missing out.

Recently, I started asking for more help when my own efforts were floundering. I had sought help from the county office before, as they help lots of people around the state who have disabilities; and before those county workers had told me there was no future in my field. One county worker wanted me off of his desk as soon as possible, and was willing to only help me find a job at a call center or as an office token at best. My college degree was meaningless, because I am disabled. After sitting down with this county worker, I had to cry, but not from pain. Not only did she bother to look for jobs in my field -which turned up plenty of results- but the average income for someone with my background was $25/hr. I had previously been looking for $17-18/hr, or been willing to settle for less if it brought in money and let me start from somewhere. But over the years, I had been settling for less and trying to start and restart, that it never occurred to me that I could do better.

Hearing that I could be earning enough to really live on, pay off my student loans, and get a career and a retirement going was like walking past a locked door every day, on the other side of which you knew was the avenue to your goals, and instead having to go for one bad job after another. Someone from Sallie Mae/Navient told me that I chose my job, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to pay them (who chooses their job, these days?). Another person from the same company recently told me that I needed to step out of my comfort zone. I’ve posed nude at some jobs and at others have worked so hard that I had asthma attacks and ached for days. There is no comfort zone. People from that company like to badger you, cut you off to abuse you, gaslight you, and find any painful points to exploit. It’s sick, and they should all be hurt in some way by someone else. (Here’s a challenge: if someone says you need to step out of your comfort zone, ask them for their address. If they give it to you, ask them for their social security number and date of birth. Then ask them if it is okay with them to use any means possible to pay off the debt. Then tell them that with their information, you will be able to take out a credit card in their name, pay off the loan with their credit, and they gave you permission. It’s out of my comfort zone to commit credit fraud, but Sallie Mae and their representative said it was okay.)

When you point out that they would get their money if they helped you find gainful employment, they just say that’s not what they do. (They need to leave their comfort zones.) You see these ridiculous ads wherein people my age or younger are living this insane lifestyle with drinking at night, somehow keeping insanely trim, affording great clothing and grooming, while working jobs that somehow afford them tons of cash. That is some Gen-X pipedream when surveys showed that most Millennials live with family or with someone else to reduce the cost of rent and other living expenses. Those people living that way are the exception, not the rule. So I refuse to compare myself to them, because they’re the freaks, the privileged, and the elite. They have been blessed with remarkable good fortune, and not due to inherently more worth or value, but due solely to circumstances beyond their control. It’s too easy to say that life handed you great things, because you were more virtuous or you were anointed. The reality is that you can work harder than anyone, especially with a disability, and not get ahead from where you started.

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My advice, don’t let those SOBs get you down or see you sweat. Don’t swear at them or wish them ill. Just leave them to their misery, so they can get frustrated. They’ll roll over on the bed one morning and look at the hole from whence they tore their own hearts out, and they’ll forget that they had any nobility of spirit. Keep tryin’ and you will find inside you are a lion.

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#ableism #classism

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kladdagh · 7 years

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Renew the `Tude

For a long time, I have had people tell me that I had a bad attitude. It was such a force in my life, that for a number of years I thought that I was inherently mistaken about everything. Nowadays, we call it gaslighting, and I have had to deal with it from my older brother (including a Thanksgiving where everything he said was prefaced by the phrase “Well, actually...”), by exes and roommates, and it just keeps going.

Part of the problem might be that I listen to other people too much. I got in trouble as a kid, and the way I avoided that was listening to those in charge, so that I did not step on their toes.

Is it any wonder that by my freshman year off college my girlfriend was cheating on me, my roommate was having sex on my bed whenever I went home for the weekend, and I had ulcers in my throat.

My roommate at the time told me that I didn’t have a positive enough attitude, and my girlfriend told me that I wasn’t manly enough. But it was not my attitude that was the problem, but the fact that I did not like being lied to and mistreated those ways.

Flash-forward about 10 years, and my life was not much better. I had spent a year in grad school in Honolulu: starving, sick, and for a time homeless. I came home and found a congregation to socialize at that could help me recover from my trauma, and for a long time, it helped. I made friends, stayed in touch with folks, even sought social time outside of services. For the record, I’m a Unitarian-Universalist. My views on trinitarian traditions are for another discussion.

By 2012, I started to recover from my PTSD and was doing okay. I found odd jobs and challenged myself to do better, but there was no help from anyone -except mom. I decided to go back to school to try my hand at things. When I studied for my undergrad, everyone told me that I had the wrong attitude about my disabilities. I saw my strengths, but I knew my weaknesses and wanted help for those. The university said that the only accommodations that they could provide were notetaking and wheelchair access. I was ambulatory and could take notes: I needed leeway on deadlines, better clarification on requirements for assignments, and a little extra time on quizzes or tests.

So in 2014, after I made up a wish list of accommodations consisting of those three things, I started attending the community college, and for the first time in my life I got straight As and earned Honors status. My family was really proud, because the first thing people know about me is that I am smart, but my work does not reflect that if I do not understand the assignment, or if I do not manage my time well. My first semester was a real gridiron, too, because it was all online courses. I had never used Blackboard, and the online courses required reading the textbook daily. On top of that, we had summer storms that kept knocking out the power, so my laptop battery stayed in when it was time to take online exams and such (many times with thunder and lightning bursting right outside; talk about sturm und drang).

Move ahead a couple of years, and by this time I am pretty confident in my ability to discern reality. I have never really had trouble with that, but people like to plant seeds of doubt in your head. I worked on a lot of things in that time, and went to occasional sessions with therapists, just or when I was feeling anxiety or tension that would not go away.

A few years ago some tension started to arise between me and my congregation. A woman who had never been friends with me had worked for years to destroy my reputation, and people believed her, because she ingratiated herself to them. She picked me out as an easy target and made things harder and harder for me, so that she could somehow benefit from this by comparison. Of course, I was pretty benign and supportive.

Around this time, we got a new minister, let’s call him Joe. Joe had been physically impaired as a kid, and had worked multiple jobs after high school, gone to the community college, and between Detroit and Chicago, Joe was living the Generation X life of the go-go Bush years. As a gay man, he was stigmatized, but not in Unitarian Universalist circles, and Chicagoland has some dynamite UUs. He was tapped by one of the church matriarchs to take on some responsibility there at the church, because she saw potential in him.

A while later he felt the call to serve more, and eventually to study as a minister. Today, he lives with his partner, recently married after it became legal across the USA. I tell you this so that you understand that for some reason, Joe thought that I was like he was back in 1990. He decided to make this connection, and that what was best for me was to be stirred awake. I was living with family, trying to get a career going, earning honors at college, and am considered a kind and giving person. But as far as Joe was concerned, I was a loser who was going nowhere. He would often say so without saying so. He felt that having me there dragged down the image of his congregation. (UU congregations rarely “belong” to a minister; normally it is vice-versa.)

Given, in recent years, I had become resentful of the standard questions you get from people who have already met you, but did not bother to remember anything. “How’s school?” How am I supposed to answer that? “What are you studying?” Do you mean classes, major, etc.? “What do you want to be when you’re done?” Are you noticing a theme, yet? The questions are supposed to have some clear and concise answer, but are too complicated to answer. They just want to hear “Fine, (major), (profession).”

Around this time, my mom got sick on a few occasions, and it had me worried, since I take care of her on a daily basis. She rarely needs serious attention, but it is better than when she was alone, and she takes care of me in return, because we’re all we really have. So if I shared with people that my mom was sick or in the hospital for something, the question came, and it was just as complicated to answer. When you are caring for someone who has recurrent problems and isolated/non-recurrent ones, her status is very relative.

Enter Joe, who decides that my mom is just enabling me to live in a second adolescence, a term he tried to borrow from trans-folx term ‘second puberty.’ It is offensive no matter how you slice it. Around this same time, I started participating in worships, as in writing and selecting stuff for services. Joe hated this and felt that I was the wrong person for this position. But rather than say so, he got the coordinator, Amy, to monkey-up the scheduling so that I got booked less, and only when there were guest speakers and guest worship-leaders. It even got to where someone else from the team would be called in without my knowledge, to do my tasks. If they did not want me on, then just had to say so. I did not participate in this for some egocentric reasoning, even if I was accused of such when I brought up the scheduling issue.

At the time, I was part-time teaching adult education for personal finance classes. I had more students than anyone else in the organization, and I had more consistent results on my test scores. My supervisor, Sandra would regularly curse at me and treat me like garbage just because she could, and if I complained, you can bet that it was put back on me.

The point is that for both Joe and Sandra, they thought I was getting off easy. Abusers tend to say that the victim could have things a lot worse. Ariel Castro did this in his trial: justifying that kidnapping and raping women was better than killing them. Think about that a moment.

Now a supportive person who really wants to nurture and foster you will try to think if there is something you or they can do together that will improve the situation. If you remember, Oskar Schindler said as he was fleeing with his protected Jews that if he had sold his car or his cufflinks or his party pin that it would have bought more lives to be saved. Sandra told me that I could have it a lot worse, and that I could find somewhere else to be, because I did not matter to her, and on more than one occasion tried to unfairly dismiss me. Joe played his games and probably thought that it could be worse for me. Heck, he probably thought it was better than I deserved. I remember that back in Honolulu, the keepers at the homeless mens shelter always seemed to think that treating us badly discouraged us from wanting to stay homeless and that mats loaded with blood-sucking vermin, and eating a carb-heavy meal with reggae music played loud to prevent conversation was all better than we deserved. They did not even stock soap or TP in the bathroom. When inspectors came by, a ping-pong table would be brought out. Wow!

And I remember that at the time I was living this way or after I was able to secure housing, some idiot told me that his buddy was able to walk into a store and basically demand a job, because he cleaned himself up and had the right attitude.

Enter Bailey Poland, one of the most brilliant contemporary writers I have ever read, someone whose personal story gives me cause for admiration, and who recently wrote a piece titled No, Our Attitudes Aren’t the Problem. I used to not have any real answer to the question “If you could meet someone living or dead, who would it be?” Now, my personal answer would be Bailey Poland. I genuinely enjoy her writing that much for its clarity and exposition of thoughts that I share.

Her piece is provocative, because it challenges the idea that while you can not always change the environment, you can (meaning “should”) always change your attitude. She points out that for minor issues, it is certainly advisable to laugh it off and be kind when offered the chance. Example: Earlier today I was at the library to return and borrow some things, and a mom with two adorable little ones was having them take charge of returning things. She apologized, but I said it was fine, because they were helping. I love kids (though I could never eat a whole one), so I love watching them do stuff like that. The younger one with a bald head looked at me after I spoke, and I flashed a big smile.

I could have gotten cross, or I could have admired the adorable children and bided my time, since I was in no hurry. That’s what we mean when we talk about changing your attitude. Attitude shifts like that are when you look out your window or look out your door and say “How about that? Another nice day!” It does not work when you suffer from depression, so you can not grin and bear it; and if you are being abused by others, then it is not up to you to tolerate the abuse and let your smile be your umbrella.

I got in trouble with Joe, Amy, and Sandra around the time that I had to put myself in for counseling. I had put up with worsening abuse for two years, with the worst coming in the previous six months. This was one year ago, this month. What got me into therapy was that I could not stop myself from thinking about suicide, and this was worse than normal. I wanted the pain to stop and I could not get it to stop as long as people in charge of these parts of my life kept hurting me. So after starting weekly sessions (that later went to monthly ones as I recovered) I decided that I needed to assert myself over my life and stop letting these abusers and bullies push me around like they had something on me.

I especially loved when Bailey talks about getting migraines from her old job, because I got them from my struggles, too, though not always as severely. My reaction was one of anxiety and upset, having meltdowns when I got home. Fast forward to May and as I am taking finals and Joe has church leaders write a letter to tell me to go away, my mom has massive internal bleeding in her esophagus and I am terrified.

Every other day when I went in to work, I was dreading the phone call that said she was gone, but the call never came. In a week or so, she was back home and feeling better, though not for lack of my tears and prayers. I remember that when I got the news that she was coming home, I let everyone in the office and my class know. One of the staff said to me that I was just a big baby for being so glad to have my mom be okay. (I chose the wording of my response carefully, because that was a really nasty line to cross. My words were assertive and devoid of foul language.)

Fast forward to August, and Sandra stood in front of my team, our partner-site supervisors, my mom, and a few notable folks, and while giving awards out, praising the people she liked, felt the need to roast me. This fifty-something year old woman stood there with braided hair extensions in a coral-color bodycon dress and matching gladiator pumps, looking like a black, fatter Cher circa variety-show days. She made fun of me in front of everyone, saying that I had opinions that did not matter, because she was the boss. To disclose what her opinions included that contradicted mine, she felt that grant money could be used for anything, even if the programs failed, and nobody would check; as well as feeling that her training sessions for us could include her army stories (despite complete irrelevance) and attempted stand-up routines, because she could have us sit there and do nothing for eight hours and it would be fine. If this paints enough of a picture for you, we can move on.

The general sentiment among Joe, Amy, and Sandra was one of self-exceptionalism. Like a lot of bullies when in authority, they felt that the rules did not apply to them, and that nobody supported them or was competent. They had gotten away with previous infractions, so why not bigger ones? Folks like these enjoy setting terms. So what they say is how it is, but how you say it is can only be what you perceive. Listening is only done to respond, and they have to feel that you respect their authoritah.

Oh, but of course, it keeps going from there, as we quickly enter into the realm of how these people abuse you, personally. And that is where we come back to the roasting I received from the coral nightmare. Because the fact was that I was on my way out the door from this job, so she did not have to say a word. She could have left me with a positive sense of things and managed to put forth a kind word in the very end. After all, my students’ test results were responsible for the awards we were getting: in the course of a year, I taught more students than anyone by a factor of twelve, and the test scores were consistently higher. She could not indict my ability to teach, although on several occasions she did, so she just vaguely degraded me by saying I was opinionated about things that did not matter. One final barb, the last word. I said nothing. I abstained from a rebuttal, because it would be making a scene, it would be letting her win. She had found a way to get hers in without me being able to come back. And in her mind, I could have had it worse.

Fast forward to Halloween of 2016, and the younger brother of a college friend who lived in the next town over (with my friend, his older brother) asked his family to take care of his dog before he shot himself. He had felt like he was garbage ever since college, despite the fact that he was getting his graduate degree in psychology. The poor job market had taken its toll by draining away his hopes and dreams as more avenues closed with every passing year. By Joe’s measures, this guy was a success: job, car, his own place, dog, prospects. (He was even a really talented musician in a band.) By my measures, he had a lot going for him and that I could wish for. But those milestones do not bring happiness.

Let me make something clear: our society’s obsession with constant happiness is more of a problem than anything else. If we focused on contentment sparked with moments of happiness, we would be better off. Life is not about being perfectly happy or contented all the time. Contentment is found, hope is found, and an attitude to drive you onward is forged in the heat of struggles to be tempered in the refreshment we find in those moments of contentment. That is why when we see poor people or prisoners who take a moment to relax and feel free, we need to take stock in it and value their strength.

There’s a misquote from Eleanor Roosevelt that “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent,” but the real quote is far more rational.

The yellow journalism of the time tried to reform her statement into something more memorable or catchy, but the misquote is false, wrong, and stupid. People like to dust it off to talk about the other person’s attitude as a victim mentality. My older brother used to call it having a pity party, and before the term “special snowflake” was tossed around, he would call me the self-important little prince, because I did not like it when he said hurtful things that were out of line. In his mind, it was to toughen me up, because the real world was harsh. He had severe depression from some kids he thought were his friends ganging up on him after school one day when he was six or seven and throwing his shoes down in a chilly creek. As he didn’t come home, my parents worried and called the police; finding him down in the creek, bawling his eyes out, having found one shoe, and looking for the other.

I was an easy mark, because I trusted him and loved him. I tried to look up to him, because he was smart and could be funny. But he hurt me, and what he did was not toughening me up. Rather, it was teaching me that I was powerless to stop others from hurting me. That powerlessness has been what others have preyed upon my entire life: my trusting nature, my willingness to abide some hassle for a greater good, and my honesty.

-My girlfriend used that against me when she would tear into me, hit me, and use me sexually. Because wasn’t it better to have a girlfriend than nobody? -The woman at church used it to make me sound like a creep, because I was myself with people, which meant she could raise doubt in folks that there was another “side.” -Joe, Sandra, all of them used that same mentality -or attitude if you will- to say that they could do worse and I could have it worse, and not once seemed to think of if they could make it better without somehow penalizing me. -Private student lenders do this, too. Just yesterday, one of their drones -at a company that shall remain nameless- told me that people like me needed to step out of our comfort zones. Another person from them told me that I should try to butter up rich people to pay my student loans to them. And the wording they use always seems to suggest that I should go turn tricks or get a sugar mama/daddy to take care of things. And in all of it, they ignore the benefit of the doubt that maybe you have the right attitude and are doing your best. Maybe you are a good and worthwhile person. Maybe you give and are kind, and it is they who are ungrateful, because they do not recognize the opportunities and blessings they were granted. Bailey Poland writes about this in the same piece as earlier, noting that a speaker degraded boys from his neighborhood for not surviving high school, while he made it out & went on to obtain a PhD. It reminded me off another “winner” named Simon Sinek, who talked about Millennials in the Workplace. He certainly asserts a lot of generalizations about Millennials without benefit of the doubt. It reminded me of one scene from 12 Angry Men and then another. She goes on to say (and I have to directly quote her, because the incision of her words is surgical):

As I sat and listened to him harangue people for simply not working hard enough, not wanting it badly enough, I wondered about his dead friends. Did they not work hard enough to live? Did they not want it enough? Why does his luck – and it must be noted that a great deal of his success is due to luck – outweigh the impact of systems that mean children die? And further, why should we not acknowledge that it is unjust that he had to work as hard as he did to achieve a fraction of the success mediocre people born into other circumstances often enjoy? Why should we not acknowledge that the barriers he faced and that killed his friends should never have existed in the first place? Why should we not acknowledge that people who do beat the odds are often held up as reasons to avoid making any actual improvements? That is what chiding people about a positive attitude and a “victim mentality” does. It blames dead children for their own deaths. It keeps us so focused on trying to replicate the methods of a few successful people that we never take a step back and think about why so few people are able to have those breakthrough moments in the first place. It keeps us mired in a sense of personal failure rather than breaking down systems that hold us all back.Next time someone posts a meme or a tired adage about how it’s our attitudes that are the problem, be the one who takes that step back.

-Bailey Poland, No, Our Attitudes Aren’t the Problem (March 28, 2017)

Not since the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that I offered you earlier have I felt so inspired and known that there are voices from people who -for lack of a better phrase- “get it.” Mrs. Roosevelt said that first the creeps who need to feel superior have to find in you or me someone who they can make to feel inferior. They have to find the button to push, the proverbial chink in the armor. There are a couple of ways to resolve this:

1. Don’t give them a reason, either by: a. Being invulnerable and protecting others (which is impossible to maintain) b. Being so vulnerable that people protect you (which is difficult to maintain) c. Letting your vulnerabilities show and learn how to defend them

2. Spoil the fun of it for them a. Stephen Fry suggests when being accosted to exclaim “Stop, you’ll give me an erection.” I did a similar thing by moaning when my brother would pin me down and twist my arm. b. You could self-promote as long as you are humble and not a braggart. c. Don’t even acknowledge the shade they throw. Don’t give it license.

It is often said that living well is the best revenge, and I would add that if someone seems so content as to push you out, then continue to do your best until the day that you turn around and drop them so that your absence is more stunning, your omission more glaring, and your silence more stirring than anything they can do or say to you. Because in the end, a lot of a positive attitude is about showing due or undue respect for others. Torah says to judge a person’s heart by the kindness they show to the innocents and those to whom they do not need to be kind.

As a UU, I am loathe to cite a biblical passage, but I was reading it last night when a TV preacher took half a line from line 34 way out of context. Around lines 29-37 there is a certain sentiment that I will close with (but by all means, read the whole chapter, as it is an interesting chapter). Jesus talks about the holy spirit as the right and magnanimous actions that he does which others in power should also be doing to set the world aright and bring about justice. The holy spirit or the will of god or howsoever you choose to believe: is an attitude within humanity of acting in the stead of god. It is not an egotistical idea of self-righteousness, but rather that if someone is struggling and asking for help, you help them. You do not shame them or tell them they have the wrong attitude. You do not label them as a bad person or try to penalize them as motivation to work better.

Joe liked to think that his hurtful words and actions were a wake-up call for me, as if I was asleep to certain realities and needed to pull myself out of things.

9 Going on from that place, he went into their synagogue, 10 and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to bring charges against Jesus,they asked him, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?”

11 He said to them, “If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not take hold of it and lift it out?12 How much more valuable is a person than a sheep! Therefore it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath.”

13 Then he said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” So he stretched it out and it was completely restored, just as sound as the other. 14 But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus.

I highlight that quote, because a minister is often called a shepherd of men, and if one of your flock is stuck in a rut, then you help it out. Most creatures I know try to get themselves out of ruts and pits. They do not need someone to comment on their attitudes. And when Joe’s actions and words were making me resign myself to death, where was the help? It took seeing a man -with a brighter future who was younger than I was- take his own life that made me resolve to keep trying; like Thorin Oakenshield in the diaspora.

Sometimes, instead of a splash of cold water to the face, we need a breath of fresh air.

Thanks to Bailey Poland for writing a great piece on attitude and resolve in the struggling individual. You’re one of the best.

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kladdagh · 8 years

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Do You Have the Broke Millennial Blues? 12 Ways to Curb that Feeling

It is important to face a sad truth about being a Millennial (born 1980-1995): you are probably struggling. With a third of us living with family, and the majority of the remaining two-thirds probably living with housemates or spouses, chances are that you would love to have things like an investment portfolio, or a retirement fund. And this -in turn- can lead to an existential crisis about what you are doing with your life.

To start, the problem is not with you as the worker with 2-3 part time jobs, the applicant for the entry level position that requires 3-5 years of experience, or the student trying to better yourself. The problems really do lie in the fact that a myriad of Barry Goldwater/Ronald Reagan/Ayn Rand ideals have shaped society into a much more calloused version of itself.

With Millennials reading more than any other generation before or since, the problem is not that you are too stupid. With us working several jobs, and performing excellently for little pay, it is not that you are too lazy. And since many of us are underpaid & underemployed, or simply unemployed, it is not that we are not smart with our money. (See “Why aren’t Millennials buying diamonds?”, “Why aren’t Millennials buying cars?”, and “Why aren’t Millennials getting married?”.)

The problem with not having agency over your own life is that your sense of purpose and autonomy is essentially shot. Too much is out of your control, is it not? And the primary feeling that leads to suicide or abuse of self/others is when a person feels like their whole life is out of control. How can you feel accomplished when you are given less than you need to survive for hard hours of work? Well, until the socialist revolution, there are steps you can take to hold off the existential crisis, and keep from opening a vein. At this point, it is important to note that if you are having suicidal thoughts or tendencies, or if you are abusing yourself or others: seek help from any local resources you can find. Many public and nonprofit resources are available in your area, and you can get help to cope, no matter how bad it seems.

To paraphrase Matchbox 20, you’re not crazy, you’re just a little unwell, even if sometimes the room just won’t shine the world will not be better when you’re gone.

These dozen steps are in no particular order, and are broken down into three main sections for you to work on.

I. Self-Care

1. Exercise

I know that this one seems rather obvious. Everyone is supposed to exercise, but how are you supposed to do that, if you may not even be able to afford a gym membership (let alone the personal trainers that media stars use to get their physiques)? Gyms are mostly just for people who do not have the facilities in/around their home, or (more often) people who want to be seen training. You might have seen ads featuring such people, for franchises like Planet Fitness (“lunks”: they were always around my campus gym). There is a form of exercise called Lifestyle Exercise, which is just getting in some exertion when you can. Just get your heart-rate up a little for a period of ten minutes or more. If you are an asthmatic, like myself, then you know that running and jogging is not for you. So just go for a walk with a radio or mp3 player. Make it intentional if you can, like making a milk & bread run.

Clean up around the house for 10-15 minutes at a time, and just keep a list in mind of what you want to do in that time: scrub the bathroom or the kitchen, mop or vacuum, et cetera. You can even go through your closet and iron a couple of garments for tomorrow. You will feel accomplishment at all that you have done. If you run out of things to do in the house, and you have a car, go ahead and clean it up with some sanitizing wipes on the interior surfaces, and even give the upholstery a good scrub with the wipes just to get the thing smelling great. Clean out all those bits of trash.

The other side of this is that activity does help you to produce the chemicals you need to feel a more intrinsic sense of self-esteem, rather than the extrinsic sense of it that consumerism pushes.

2. Eat Balanced and Regularly

This also might seem like a real no-brainer, but an important thing to remember is that there is no such thing as bad food. You have a right to eat, even if all that you can get is loaded with carbs, starches, and sugars. If you can, try to focus on consuming more vegetables from raw or otherwise fresh, such as frozen. Complex carbohydrates like veggies have fewer calories for the amount of material, so you can binge on them if you are famished. And for the most part, you get more vitamins and minerals from vegetables than any other food. Meat and other sources of animal protein are very calorie-dense. Carbs will give you short-term fuel for activities. So contrary to popular belief, you can actually eat a balanced meal, or even go heavy on the vegetables, and it will help your mood, energy, and such. Not everyone has to nor should eat exactly the same: a teenager does not usually eat the same as a grandparent.

If you have to eat what you can get, such as if you live on campus, or your family cooks for you most of the time, aside from asserting some control over what you eat from what is offered, you can also see about supplements. Dietary supplements, such as vitamins or certain herbs, are meant to supplement a diet that lacks in certain things. For example, you can always see about amino acids, psyllium, and so on. But a big thing is to not skip meals or delay them. You will have a better mood throughout your day if your stomach is not empty. So I recommend eating the standard three meals: breakfast, lunch, and dinner; but if you are hungry between meals, consider if what you ate was satisfying. If it was fast food, it might have been loaded with fat, sugar, or refined carbohydrates. So have a glass or two of water, or some tea, coffee, or whatever: as long as you do not load it with sugar. If you are still hungry, you might want to take a supplement like psyllium in the morning, or have a glass of water mixed with some protein powder. Protein powder may not taste like much, if anything, but it will take the edge off your hunger without a lot of empty calories. And the water will keep you hydrated. But the big thing is that if you are still hungry after a glass of water, eat whatever is available. I have had food insecurity, where you did not know when your next meal would come. Food insecurity causes panic, stress, and hurts your body in the long run; and starvation can lower your functional IQ by around 20 points! So eat something, whatever you can get, and feel no shame in feeding yourself when you are genuinely hungry. No matter what it is, if it is food, then your body can use it, and you will be better off having taken it in. Speaking of nourishment...

3. Nourish Your Emotions

This is a term that could mean a lot of things, and you can choose to do whatever you need to for this step: cry, talk with friends or family, take up a constructive hobby (as opposed to a destructive one), journal, fantasize, and get away from social media or escapist media for at least 2-5 hours. You will know what is probably best for you, and any of these are just starting points.

It might seem ironic that to curb the blues, we might start with crying, but it is a natural outlet for emotions, especially when you have switched them off to get through things. You have to let yourself feel. On that note, talking with friends and family gives as much of an endorphin boost as exercise, and hugging good old mom boosts your mood and your immunity, and de-stresses you… depending on your mother.

Hobbies let you do something with time, whether it is reading and jigsaws or knitting and drawing, a hobby lets you have projects that can give you something for your nervous energy and your anxieties. But what is the difference between these and fantasizing versus social media and escapist media. The answer is authority. When on social media, you are reacting to what is in your feed, and it is hard to take initiative. Likewise, with escapist media like Real Housewives and other docu-soaps, it is more about your reaction to things than your initial action. People who are reactive are rarely actively engaged with the present moment, and as a result, often disengage from things: out come the phones. Have you noticed this behavior within yourself or others around you?

Presence of mind in the moment is something that a lot of people work hard to achieve, and can spend years meditating to work on. Being present helps you to be conscious of those around you, and more importantly, yourself: how you really feel, what you really think, and what you should do or say. No more feeling flustered, you can assert yourself over yourself. This is different from domineering or being “the alpha,” which will come back up a little later. But speaking of coming clean about things...

4. Grooming and Dress

We already discussed the pleasure of laying out an ensemble for the next day with things ironed. Ironing provides an excellent look to clothing for when you want to dress up, and dressing up does not have to be for any reason. In college, I lived in a pair of cargo jorts and one hoodie or another, probably like a lot of you. And there is nothing wrong with dressing comfortably a lot of the time.

But when it comes to grooming, depression makes it easy to get lethargic or lax in our habits, like bathing, shaving, haircare (combing, brushing, styling, etc.), nails, and oral hygiene. While it is good to acknowledge these feelings, it is important to not let them hold too much sway over your life.

Imagine that you are going to a place where everyone knows and likes you, and you are dressed down, shaggy, a bit smelly maybe? Now imagine you are going somewhere that people do not know you and they are hostile, but you are well-dressed, clean, and well-groomed? In the first scenario, you might be bothered that people are shying away from you, because you do not look your best. In the second one, you would feel uncomfortable, but you could feel confident that it was not because of how you presented yourself. That comfort and confidence in your appearance would help you to still be your best. But the familiarity with others and physical comfort in your clothing would not help you to feel at ease, if people were snubbing you.

Here is my advice: shower either as soon as you get home in the evening, or before you go to bed. Morning showers do not have as restorative of an effect in the way that later showers do. If you have longer hair, then -obviously- do it right after work, so it can be dry at bedtime. If you like to exercise when you get home, then wait until after to take a shower. This is not meant to be life-coaching, as much as a suggestion for how to fit things into a routine.

II. Make Changes

1. Cut out toxic people

These are the people who leave you hurting, angry, confused, doubtful, estranged, or afraid. Maybe you really liked them or found them attractive? Maybe when you first met them, everything was smiles and laughs. Or maybe it is someone in your family, whom you are stuck with? If that is the case, then cut them out. If they demand to know why, then tell them, but do not be swayed or gaslighted. Do not make it about the choice being good or bad for them, because it is not about them.

Personally, I have had loads of people in my life become toxic: girlfriends, classmates, teachers/professors, friends/flatmates, bosses, and even a spiritual leader or two.

When this happens, you have to be able to exercise and assert the control over your life that you are able to. It becomes more difficult if you rely on this person for things like employment, finances, or a home, but something can be done. Abused women flee to shelters while their partners (heterosexual or homosexual) receive treatment and learn to cope, and then decide if they want to reconnect with the person. Similarly, you may have to decide whether or not to continue with that person. It may mean moving into a place with separate rooms or even separate housing (like a duplex or a house with an efficiency in it).

Speaking of changing your space...

2. Change your Headspace

This is different from nourishing your emotions in that you might be generally thinking with the wrong approach, the least constructive way of thinking. It is your paradigm that could be setting you up to deal with things by turning inward and getting down on yourself, wracked with self-doubts. Seeking therapy can help with this, but you have to specifically seek Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not just talking therapy. Some group sessions can work, if geared that way, but most therapists will work one on one, which is great for feeling safer and more confident.

Remember “the Alpha” that I mentioned under “Nourish Your Emotions?” The term “Alpha” comes from a bad theory about canine social structure: there is an Alpha dog among wolves who leads the pack, while weaker, older, and female dogs all submit to the Alpha. He is the “Top dog.” It is still abided in popular culture (Pixar’s Up for example). The theory assumes that males are naturally dominant and that only one can lead. Would it surprise you that the theory was disproven shortly after it was proposed?

The main problem with the theory is its reliance on a way of thinking that you have probably fallen prey to, yourself: binary thinking. In binary thinking, something is either one thing or the other, and never the twain shall meet. They are mutually-exclusive, diametric, and polar opposites. The problem with binary thinking is that it is rarely a valid perspective.

I would not say that it is absolutely wrong, because that is a binary perspective: wrong versus right. But binary thinking does not apply to things in life as much as we are taught. Moreover, binary thinking often leads to depression: - You’re not a winner, so what are you?

- You’re not a man, so what are you?

- You’re not an adult, not a success, and so on.

Do those positions immediately cause you to react? I think they would make anyone get upset or tense. You have license to feel those feelings in response to those positions, but what you do with them is how you exercise your personality. Ask yourself: who says these things & why care about what they think? And I bet you thought the lessons of Back to the Future were just about how to impress your love interest and thinking fourth-dimensionally.

Speaking of which, Biff Tannen is a great example of the other big paradigm you have to lose to change your headspace: toxic masculinity. It does not surprise anyone that Biff was based on Donald Trump, but not just the wealthy Biff from the alternate timeline: all incarnations of Biff! (Never call Donald “Maddog” to his face, or he’ll do worse than kill you: he’ll give a speech. But seriously, in the 1950s, Biff groped Lorraine, told her she was his without regard to what she wanted, then tried to rape her at the dance. His personal masculinity was pretty toxic.)

Geek Feminism had the best list to encapsulate what Toxic Masculinity is, which I will relay for you now:

· The pervasive idea of male-female interactions as competition, not cooperation.

· The pervasive idea that men cannot truly understand women, and vice versa--and following, that no true companionship can be had between different sexes.

· The expectation that Real Men are strong, and that showing emotion is incompatible with being strong. Anger is either framed as the exception to the rule, or as not an emotion.

· Relatedly, the idea that a Real Man cannot be a victim of abuse, or that talking about it is shameful.

· Men are just like that: the expectation that Real Men are keenly interested in sex, want to have sex, and are ready to have sex most if not all times

· The idea that Real Men should be prepared to be violent, even when it is not called for.

· For example, a common response to women's tales of experiencing street harassment is for a man who's listening to say, "If I was there, I would have punched [the harasser]." This is problematic .

· Discussed at length in a blog entry Male Protagonist Bingo: A study in cliches

· Though not reinforced much in fictional media, in real life it is widely expected that a man would abandon his pregnant girlfriend, and is incapable and/or unwilling to take responsibility.

· The myth that men are not interested in parenting, and are inherently unsuited to be single parents.

· discourages men from becoming involved in the lives of their children.

· encourages household inequality, which hurts all involved.

· assumes that in case of divorce, children will go with their mothers, instead of examining each situation individually.

· Emasculation: the idea that there is a range of feminine interests and activities a Real Man would not hold, and that disprove a man's masculinity regardless of his other actions:

· interest in one's personal looks, cosmetics, dressing up, fashion

· being emotional, expressing emotion, crying

· appreciating "frivolous" things such as sugary "girly" drinks, romantic styles, cute animal videos, romcom flicks

· understanding women, being sympathetic

· being silly, giddy

· needing help, not-knowing

Anyone can fall prey to toxic masculine thinking, because in a patriarchal society, it is considered better to be masculine than to be feminine. The sooner that you abandon these tendencies and just be yourself, the sooner you can stop being a butt-head. So make like a tree and move on to number 3.

3. Look for Real, Gainful Employment

If you are unemployed or underemployed, then you will be saying “no kidding?” But even if you are fully employed, you may not be gainfully employed. The Wikipedia page will give you the whole picture, but here is a synopsis adapted from their list:

__ Variety in duties performed

__ Safe working environment

__ Income for family and oneself

__ A purpose derived from providing a product or service

__ Happiness and satisfaction

__ Positive engagement and involvement

__ A sense of performing well and meeting goals

__ Friendships at work

__ An environment that respects and appreciates diversity

I know you are relieved to have a shorter list, this time. If a position does not meet these requirements, then it is not gainful; look for another position or try to make this one better. You can probably think of a dozen positions in life or in media that lack in a lot of these.

The point is, do not settle: keep looking for something better. And on that note…

4. Give Yourself Something to Look Forward to

This might involve taking a course that requires you attend regularly in order to learn a skill. It might involve planning a vacation, or a special evening or weekend. It might even simply involve a special meal or taking in a movie. Anticipating things might seem like you are just getting your hopes up, but imagine how life is, otherwise: so many things are out of your control that you dread them. So imagine if there was something that you sincerely longed for that was just on the horizon.

The emotional rewards of achieving these goals will give you a huge boost of confidence and the sense of competence. Then, you might even feel more like you are doing things, because you want to, not because you have to. Any time you do something out of obligation, have you ever noticed that it sucks the fun right out of things?

The majority of abusive relationships start with people feeling obligated to do things. So if you do not let yourself try to enjoy life, then what is the point? If you have to go somewhere, give yourself time to notice things, or something to enjoy along the way: music, a book, or stopping off somewhere. Something as simple as a stop at the gelato store for a sample (or a cone), or a walk by the duck pond can make the most oppressive trip feel a little more enjoyable. Just because you are broke does not mean that you have to live without hope, every day.

III. Give Back

As hard to do as it might sound, giving to others can make you feel better about yourself. You might not get thanks, so do not expect it. But it will give you an aura to which people respond. However, it does not mean that you have to be a white knight or develop a Superman-complex. Giving back to others works in stages, and so I will suggest that you begin with the first two items in this section, keep the third for later, and use the fourth item as a heuristic (a guideline) for how you pursue your actions.

1. Kind Words Make for Better Bonds

A simple thank you, or a friendly gesture like a smile to a stranger can make a difference. One web-anecdote talks about a boyfriend who smiles and greets strangers on the streets, because a lot of suicides would not have been committed “if someone had just said ‘hi’ to me and smiled.” But let us not be so vain as to think a simple greeting will save lives. Suicides are usually caused by the world being calloused and ungiving to those in need (i.e. Veterans, at-risk youth, seniors). By all means, though, use courtesy: on the street, behind the wheel, and in your daily routines.

But for the people whom you know and directly affect, try to use special effort. Audrey, a supervisor I had a while back used to say “I appreciate you.” I was not sure if it was just recited as a routine courtesy, but I came to understand that she meant it. And by contrast, a different supervisor -Sandra- never really said a kind word, but for one email wherein I think she forgot that it was me and said “nice job.” In fact, Sandra usually was cursing at me, gaslighting me, telling me to quit, or threatening to fire me. So as you can imagine, the loyalty I felt was to the supervisor who held me in better esteem.

So make it a point when you are thinking of what to say to make it real, not “lip service” or “butt-kissing.” If you can, try to make the kind word something affirmative or supportive, but even just a sincere “please/thank you” can do some good. Think of President Obama shaking hands with the White House janitor: nobody is unworthy of respect. It will be tricky, giving people the benefit of the doubt, but Rabbis and ministers have been teaching for centuries that such is how the world is at its best. This leads us to...

2. Avoid Tearing down Others

If you can, opt for constructive criticism. Constructive criticism focuses on how to do something better, not the fact that someone did something wrong and/or is a bad person. A micromanaging boss of mine was watching me navigate an aluminum ladder through some cubicles, and could only think to say “Why did you think you could do that by yourself?” After I set the ladder down for a minute and chose my words carefully, I said “That is not very constructive. Unless you are offering to help in some way, please leave.” (After she left, I had no trouble getting the ladder out.)

Bosses and coworkers are rarely aware of how to communicate effectively with people, and one of the best ways to develop a stronger bond with those around you is by offering constructive input. In my work on grant research for nonprofits, it becomes evident that you have to disclose as much of the positive in your follow-up report as possible. Some people call it “spin” or shedding a positive light on it. And if you know anyone who does this absent-mindedly as a habit, tell them to stymie it.

If you get depressed about your circumstances, as the neighbor in the film The Closet points out, saying something superficially kind will not help the problem. Instead, consider asking a set of questions. A classmate of mine was depressed, because she had overworked herself on a paper for a literature course. She had read the book, but not understood the assignment. So I asked if she had done any pre-writing or outlining: nope. I looked at what she had written, and she was taking measures that were superfluous to the requirements and making the paper too long. At my suggestion, she talked with the professor and sat down with a writing tutor at the college to work out the problems.

And indeed, it is not up to you to solve someone else’s problems, or to direct them to what you think will be best. But by offering a few options, you are saying something constructive, instead of “There’s nothing I can do.” (Which is the most defeatist phrase I have consistently encountered.) It does a lot better to offer avenues whereby a person can help themselves, than to shut things down and label the person as defective or bad. (I often tell classmates that if they care about the class, then they paid attention and studied. If they paid attention and studied, then they’re familiar with what they need to know. If they know what they need to, then they are ready for the coursework. And if they are ready for the coursework, then they have nothing to worry about.)

If you are struggling with depression, then you know what it is like to feel defeated before you even try (possibly hearing it in your own mind from nagging feelings of self-doubt), and probably realize that passing it along or telling someone that kind of thing does no good for anything. This leads us to…

3. Do for Others Whatever You Can, Whenever You Can

By no means should you be a doormat, but that phrase “There’s nothing I can do.” is -I believe- the unofficial motto of many bureaucrats. It is very easy to settle for the path of least resistance.

While talking with a caseworker for Opportunities for Ohioans with Disabilities (a branch of the state govt. charged with the task of helping disabled persons capable of work to find gainful employment) he made it clear that the barest of minimum effort was the highest objective in their agency. (Thank you, Gov. John Kasich.)

So disabled people with college degrees get foisted off onto custodial work, call centers, and other low-income work and told “Who knows? After a while, you might start to like it.” That phrase is what every inexperienced boyfriend tells his girlfriend about butt sex, and for the novice, it is never true. However, the caseworker knows that it is a lie. Just because -according to some myth- a man with a PhD works at a gas station or a grocery store does not mean that we should settle for less.

Working with the disabled has taught me that given how hard a person with disabilities has to work to achieve what we consider a normal level of anything, I think that people who settle for doing less need to find other employment, because there are better people for the job. And it is that willingness to be proactive that makes all the difference. Which is better: a server who scopes out your drink as low and makes a point to check in with you for a refill, or a server who waits for you to flag them down for a refill? Obviously, the former is better.

But there is a crucial element to a lot of the points so far that needs to be stated plainly.

4. Respect Boundaries & Abide within Consent

While studying for first aid and CPR certification, one of the first things they emphasized was to ask “Are you alright, do you need any help?” One time, I was sick with the flu and the RA asked this, and I said “Yes, could you help me up?” from the bathroom floor, where I had just lost my dinner. He went off and called an ambulance. When the ambulance came, I told them that I just had the flu and the RA did not listen and to charge the dorm for calling them.

So there are at least two ways to respect boundaries and consent: one is whether or not to do something, and the other is to respect the ways in which a person needs something. When you are depressed, it is always hard to see something from another person’s perspective. So do not be afraid to ask if they want you to give them help and how you can help.

For those afraid of biting off more than you can chew, this lets you know if what they want is something you are able to give them. One woman who came in to a food pantry spent her meager income on pot and regularly went to food pantries to get things to eat. My mother offered to help the woman take her dog to the vet. Well, after a while, this became “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” Suddenly, she was taking my mom for granted, calling all the time for rides to food pantries within a day or two of one another.

Mom told her that she would not be doing it anymore, and tried to stop taking her calls, thinking she would get the hint, but she just kept calling. So when I was at my mom’s house, I picked up and would not talk. This made it clear that there were no more free rides to feed her pot habit. She would have to work something else out.

We even get examples like this in ancient literature. Abram leaves his meditation and communion with g-d to serve three strangers, who turn out to be angels, and before they reveal themselves, he says he will give them the minimum and then gives them his best, even entertaining them with conversation. In the Odyssey, the suitors drink and feast their way through Odysseus’ home and overstay their welcome by years, because they are more than happy to impose ingratiously upon their hosts.

Respecting limits or boundaries and consent are crucial to feelings of satisfaction for everyone. It means asking, listening, and being mature enough to apologize sincerely and without prompting.

Naturally, the main concern of my bringing up consent and boundaries is around relationships. I started with the most common and understandable forms of violation or obligation, so that the heavier subject can be explored. You personally may respect many people’s boundaries: older people, married/involved people, and/or people of the same sex. But I have known or observed a number of men and women who do not respect consent around touch and physical proximity or contact. Youthful ignorance or indiscretion not withstanding, I have known men in their eighties who could not and would not be bothered to understand the basic principle of not violating personal space.

And we are not talking about some overly sensitive person who overreacts, although to them, they are reacting as they need. If you are touching unfamiliar people from behind without warning, or otherwise touching someone in a way that they say they do not want or like, then stop and apologize.

The eighty-something year old man that I mentioned once sat down next to me at a dinner party and held my hand for several minutes (despite my protests), the way that you hold a child or lover’s hand. (Finally, I got up and changed seats.) Later on, he would touch my back without warning and be surprised as I jumped. When I told him to not do that, he could only say “I didn’t mean any harm.” As if that was an apology or made it acceptable. But if the idea of a stranger holding your hand as you ask them to let go is as bothersome to you as it was to me, then you can understand how a violation of consent can feel.

The importance of respecting another person’s boundaries is what enhances a relationship. Is something you asked too personal? Let the subject change. Do you presume too much of a relationship? Back off. Are you too “handsy” with someone? Ask “is that alright?” or apologize and put your hands on your lap or the table. If you have codependent tendencies, you might want to know if you are forgiven or approved of, and see emotional or physical intimacy as part of being accepted. More than a few toxic people in my life latched onto my past need for acceptance. All I can say is to stop needing approval from others. Approve of yourself, and moreover, give people the slack that you want others to cut you. Relationships are not about milestones, and likewise, not about getting somewhere. This relates directly to consent in the dating world. Your acceptability is not based on arbitrary standards that someone else set for you without your consent. It is based on how much of a good person you are according to your own standards, and one great standard to set for yourself when relating to others is respecting boundaries and abiding within consent.

Conclusion

In life, we are only given so much that we can effect change over: our agency over our lives. Sometimes we can take more agency, but more often you have to be given it, often with privilege. If you try, you will risk failure, but you will also chance to succeed. As Vigo Mortenson said in 28 Days you have to worry only about the little things that you can control, because once it is out of your hands, that is it. You have done everything you can and are done with your part of it. So if it does not work out, try again and only focus on the things with which you can effect change.

The different points listed here have been written with the principle that they are things you can control for yourself to make that little difference to the processes you use; because it is changing the process that leads to a better outcome: not the other way around. A focus on the outcome can lead to binary thinking, destructive criticism, harsh words, closing off, giving up on yourself, and everything else in this list that only makes things worse.

I would leave you with a quote from Teddy Roosevelt on trying, but the man was a milquetoast asthmatic for most of his young life. So here are a bunch of them:

- “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” - “The credit belongs to the man… who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming...if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” - “It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.” - “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” - “When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.” - “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” - “The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.” - “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” - “Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

- “Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell `em ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.”

#Millennials Depression SelfHelp SelfImprovement Blues Health MentalHealth Men Women YoungAdults

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kladdagh · 9 years

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The Hotbox

(Author's note: the following is a work of fiction. All events contained herein are not based on real people or events, and any resemblance to real events or persons, whether said persons are living or dead, are coincidental and unintentional.)

As I sat down in the dry sauna, there were others sitting in towels or bathing suits. To my right sat a big female bodybuilder. Her limbs and torso were extremely developed. A mixture of people sat around the room, the older ones up in the corners or sides, the younger ones closer to the center. All were women. The sign outside the door as I entered had read "dry sauna, trans friendly." It sat across the hallway from the womens showers & changing areas. The hair on my body softened in the heat as my skin warmed, muscles relaxed, and my lungs breathed in the hot, dry air. I had come to this gay & trans resort to make friends, but I was so scared of being judged. They couldn't give us signs to wave around what we were, because that would be too much like little pink triangles, so everyone just assumed that I was a gay guy. I felt the stares as I sat down in a tank top and shorts, laid a towel on the top of a handrail, and rested my head. The body builder didn't care. The older women didn't care. The younger women cared. I could read their thoughts as they came over and prepared the inquisition. "Excuse me..." I opened my eyes calmly to see them looking at me, a pair directed their faces towards me, one with neck length hair in a bikini, and another in clothes a lot like mine, more of a butch hairstyle & some tattoos, I buried the knot in my stomach as the one in the bikini continued "You know there's a steamroom in the mens showers?" "Yes, I do." I said in a soft voice. If you just want me to leave, then just say so, I thought. "Well, then why not go in there?" as they asked, I felt the rest of the room start looking at me. "Because," I tried to coo in sote voce "moisture aggravates my asthma, while this heat is great on my back, which is sore from riding the bus here." "But this area is kind of for women." They were trying to handle things diplomatically "It's not on the sign, and..." The butcher looking one, who hadn't spoken til then, interrupted, "But it is across from our locker room." There it was, 'our' indicating the establishment of 'us' and 'you,' I mouthed 'your locker room,' "I'm not in here, because of you or anyone else. I am aware that the gaze of a person in a male body in an otherwise single sex environment makes others uncomfortable, which is why, I have been keeping them closed, or directed at your faces." The one who mentioned the locker room asked "Are you gay?" "That's a loaded term," I said "what you want to know is, am I here to be around females like yourselves, and acting as gatekeepers, you want to make sure that I know I'm not welcome, as a male-bodied person, unless I like men."

The same one spoke again, "So you're not gay, but you don't present as trans." "Present..." I repeated back. She responded "Yeah, you aren't male to female or the other way around." I remained calm in voice and stance, "I am aware of that." "So why are you here?" now she was getting irritated. "I told you why I wanted to use the dry sauna, and as for being trans, not everyone fits into the binary of masculinity and femininity, and not all of those people are female-bodied, or thin & attractively androgynous. If a bodybuilder developed her upper body, and it resembled a heteronormative male body image, would that mean she couldn't be in here?” The body builder looked over as I continued, “If a woman lost her breasts and uterus to cancers, and wanted to come in here, would you stop them?” A few of the older women smiled calmly behind the young women, as I took a breath, “Maybe some trans person comes in here, and passes for female in all ways but one, she sits down to enjoy the heat, and you see that she doesn't meet all the criteria you set to allow others in here."

The first one spoke, "but you aren't trans, and you don't like men. Why would you even come here? I mean, you could shave, and lose weight..."Now, I could not keep my voice as calm, "And it might make me passable enough to someone's gaze that I would be acceptable. I'm not trans-female; I'm genderfluid. I could shave, but it wouldn't do anything to make me more attractive to anyone, just less hairy. My weight isn't due to lifestyle. It's genetic. I would have to spend thousands of dollars that I don't have, just to have gene and hormone therapies simply to have the body type and metabolism to make me acceptable."

At that last word, I started to get a lump in my throat, and feel a couple of tears welling up. "Excuse me, but I think that I am now making others feel uncomfortable. I'm very sorry, everyone. I hope you enjoy yourselves." I got up and exited. As the door started to close I heard one of the two say "Hey guy... thing... person, wait up!" I continued down the hall, feeling alone, cold, and vulnerable.I made my way to the mens area, the sauna there was in the locker room. I moved past all the older men, leaner men, more muscular men, fatter men, and in the area with the toilets and some private shower stalls, one of the doors said "sauna" but as I reached for the door, two tall, lean guys in their 20s came bursting out, laughing loudly, and I could see that the room was full, and I just wanted to be alone. (It may have been a steam sauna or not. I didn't even care, at that point.)

I made my way back to my room, wanting to just be invisible. I took a shower, and shaved. Then I sat on the side of my bed, with some of the food I had packed for the trip on the nightstand. I ate a little bit, just to keep from being hungry. I got dressed to take a walk, blue jeans, sweatshirt, windbreaker, baseball cap, and good shoes. Then I went outside and looked at the map outside the building, and picked out a nature trail. I walked it slowly, step by step, as the misty dew of the wooded foothills surrounded me in the stillness. It was twilight, and I knew that I couldn't make the walk too long, because I had no flashlight. So, I made my way, pausing at some of the gazing points to take in the view. I relaxed my breathing a little, and tried to just forget what had happened. Soon, I would be out of here, my stay would be over, and I could say that I came and saw. I didn't want to be alone out there, as I stared out into the void of the mists over the valley. Tomorrow, there would be aerobics classes. If I took a puff on my inhaler, when I woke up, I might be able to withstand the strain on my lungs, without them seizing. It might feel good to move my body. It usually did, especially when no one was looking. I would just go to the back of the room and be as invisible as I could.What I wanted, as I looked out, was to feel secure, held close by someone who cared, able to look at their face and see a smile in more than just their mouth. But it was only me, and the gathering darkness, and nobody was going to smile at me, except for myself. So, I made my way back to the main building, where my room was, took some Valerian root pills with water, read a little, then I opened up my netbook to watch a movie (it would put itself to sleep when the video was ended), turned off the lamp and drifted to sleep.There would only be more of the crucible to face tomorrow, but for now, I was safe and secure, and nobody would judge me, alone in the dark. I wouldn't have the inquisitors, or to mount a defense of my existence. I could take the challenges of the next day as well from the shadows as the light. Light and shadow don't care upon whom they fall, or how their interplay reveals the figure and surface of something. The light warms, the shadow cools, and only the wind does both.

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