klassenkid

[klassenkid]

The entire history of the world i guess

Physics students: The sun is a deadly laser!

My prof: ThE sUn Is A dEaDlY lAsEr.

[klassenkid]

Just getting back into things

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. This account was never meant to be followed. It was most of just a way for me to put my thoughts down somewhere. I guess I was vain enough to not have it be completely anonymous or private. Anyone can view my thoughts that I put down but I leave nothing abridged. This is for me. And even though others may read it, this is not for them. 

Another year has passed. I’ve completed sophomore year and somehow still holding a 3.5 I’m studying mechanical engineering. I hate it here. I go to a religious college in a small southern town and it’s stifling. I’m from the southern half of the country as well but I’m from a city. This small town life is not for me. It’s not quaint, it’s a prison. I rushed a club at my college but since it’s a religious school we aren’t allowed to have true fraternities. We don’t have a frat house because of the school rules. Mostly because this is a dry county and on top of that, if you are caught drinking you are kicked out. Regardless of your age. Even if you’re above the legal limit you can’t drink if you go here. Pretty much they’ll kick you out if you break any rules found in the Bible. For a school based on Christianity they aren’t really fond of showing grace and mercy.

I’ve made a few friends.To be completely honest I’m surprised. I’m an ass and arrogant. I think I have everything figured out even though I don’t but I’m too stubborn to take advice or change how I am. I’m blunt and rude and I wouldn’t even be my own friend. But despite my best efforts a few people like me and I like them too. Everyone else can fuck off though.

I miss home. I miss my family. And I miss the comfort of being somewhere that you are familiar. Maybe it would be different if I felt comfortable here, but everyone here on the outside is pure and holy and I can only assume that they are for the most part like that on the inside. It’s hard to show your true colors here because you can get kicked out. If caught the administration will offer you a plea bargain if you admit to what you did and can also prove others guilt. The only way to save yourself is to get others caught and that’s why it’s dangerous to let others know that you aren’t as righteous as you pretend to be. Honesty is a dangerous quality here and it’s hard to be friends with people you can’t be honest with.

I think that’s why I’m unhappy. I’m unwilling to change who I am but I can’t be myself. I feel trapped and on top of the normal stress that comes with school I have to deal with the stress that at any moment campus police could show up, take me to the dean’s office, and he could say ‘Pack your things’, and that’s it. It would be all over. At any given moment I’m a whispered confession away from having my future robbed from me.

 I’m a good student and hard-working but why should I have to change parts of myself to fit a mold that I have no desire of fitting? I know I’m not alone in my thoughts on this matter among the students on campus but as I’ve already mentioned. It’s dangerous to let people know your name and your personal feelings. It’s much safer to hide behind a facade of holiness that be honest.

I hate myself. I want to change but I can’t. I can’t change because while these rules are in place I feel like I would be changing for the wrong reasons. If the rules weren’t in place I’d probably be a “better” person but since the rules in place are so strict I feel compelled to break them. I want to be free to choose what is right, not be commanded to do so. That is why I do what I do. I want the freedom of choice and that’s been taken from me. Until I am free from this place I am not free. Not free to choose the right path. And certainly not free to disagree or think for myself. On the outside my opinions are that of the church. My actions are compliant. And I will continue to hide behind my mask of falsehood.