kliunkii

[kliunkii]

i feel like i have the potential to become a multi-skill person, because i have so much inner, unwoken interests for so many things: i want to draw digitally and traditionally (i already do but i wanna do it more), i wanna paint, i wanna sing, i wanna make my own music, i wanna sing my own songs, i wanna be a photographer, i wanna be a art analysis writer, i wanna write poetry, i wanna dance, i wanna illustrate books, i wanna bike, i wanna hyke, i wanna scrapbook, i wanna design furniture and products, i wanna make my own clothes, i wanna learn to cook and bake, i wanna become a coffee expert, i wanna do fun makeup looks, i wanna collect parfumes...... i wanna do so much but i need to kill the bug in my body and brain that causes my constant chronic fatigue. i dont even know if this bug is even mental or physical, i dont know how to kill it. i want to do and create so much, but my mind and body aches and i need to take so many breaks and i end up doing barely anything.

#kill the bug

[kliunkii]

i will be treated like a human, still barking like a dog

i wish to be treated properly, to be heard, to not be spoken over, to be show common respect.

even when im acting unlikely, i want to be treated like im normal and like i have a proper heart.

ive let myself be a scared animal for too long.

i want to be loved and spoiled like a pet, but i dont want to be treated like an animal.

stupid puppy life

[kliunkii]

Pup's personal list of the pros and cons that come with autism

This is very personal to me so dont come for me is some of this doesnt apply to the regular definition of autism / telling me that "this isnt autism".

I will keep editing this post whenever i think of something new / discover something new about myself.

Pros

I can enjoy music in a very unique way specifically catered to my brain, i love hearing all noise pixels joining together and i love hearing everything individually. I love how my limbs freeze and tense up and i love how my heart starts to float or crumble up.

I find genuine breathtaking beauty in the smallest things ever that wouldnt mean anything to someone else.

I find beauty in small trinkets and trash and other stupid useless bullshit becauae i can find a way to defend it.

High levels of happiness or excited...ness cause me to happy stim and it tickles my heart so much and people love seeing me stim which makes me happy too.

Having the most amazing brain for collecting so much "useless" information.

Getting to talk about my passions and special interests also tickles my heart so much.

Not being afraid to have child-like wonder and a vulnerable and childish heart.

A unique emotional connection to animals.

Finding comfort in the mundane and the routine of everyday life instead of feeling anxious about boredom because routine and familiarity is comfortable to me.

Not being able to feel genuine anger towards people.

Being a forgiving person.

Comfort foods keep tasting good every time.

Finding out that being quiet and calm while socializing is okay and using that opportunity instead of masking.

Feeling the joy of organizing and categorizing items by size, colour, date - toys, stationary, clothes, photos etc.

Free form of gender expression - not feeling like you have to strictly obey the roles of one or the other gender.

Im never late to anything because i am very good with managing my time.

Being an artist is wonderful due to my perception of the world's beauty and nuanses and taste in colour, shape, smell, flavour etc.

I love touching things, different materials and surfaces.

Cons

High sensitivity to basically all stimuli.

Physical pains affect me more than it should.

Highly sensitive to temperature.

Highly sensitive to noise ( especially the noise that i cant control, shut off, or get away from ).

Highly sensitive to repetitive sounds (clocks, hearing a heartbeat, snoring, breathing)

Easily irritable.

Volume control problems in public.

I struggle to understand sarcasm.

I struggle with empathy.

I struggle putting myself in another person's shoes.

Stomach pains. Oh god so many stomach pains.

Usually arrive way too early to functions and thats just annoying and irritating.

Panic attacks.

Meltdowns.

Shutdowns.

Sensitive to smells.

I find it hard to process other people's opinions that differ from mine.

Apathy towards topics that dont personally involve me ( especially politics ).

I struggle to care about things that dont involve me.

Low libido.

Im somewhat of a doormat.

I struggle to speak openly about my feelings. I tend to bottle everything in until i break.

Memory problems.

Huge giant insane food problems, extremely picky.

Emetophobia combined with sensory issues is so bad.

Being antisocial and genuinely afraid to talk to people.

Unable to make calls to doctors/services by myself.

I struggle with honesty - i tend to say more than it is appropriate to say and end up unwillingly insulting people.

Finding it hard to differenciate critisism from genuine insults.

Really hard to take any form of critisisim, especially on my work/art.

I can not do eye contact.

General physical problems due to anxiety/stress ( like i previously mentioned - stomach problems, but also headaches, nausea and low blood pressure ).

Diluted pupils make me look kinda creepy.

I struggle making natural looking facial expressions because my calm, default facial expression LOOKS very depressed even though i am not.

Managing artificial facial expressions for a long time drains me out.

Sometimes i HAVE to pretend to be excited/interested and that also really drains me out.

Just... masking in general... idk how many scenarios i should name without being too repetitive.

I dont enjoy opening gifts in front of people because i feel a pressure to put on a show of excitement and interest. All my joy and gratitude happens inside my heart, i just cant force myself to show it through facial expression. So it is not uncommon for people to think that i am unhappy with the gift even though i am.

I have a very strict day and night routine and if it gets interrupted i will feel irritated.

I go to sleep early ( yes this can be a annoying thing in some situations ).

If im not asleep by 23:00 then i start to panic.

I have to take sleep meds because my brain turns on "hyper" mode while trying to sleep because my brain tries to process all information and stimuli that happened throughout the day.

Extroverted people stress me out.

People shyer than me stress me out.

Struggles with change.

I very rarely convince myself to listen to new music artists because i am hardstuck on the few artists that i listen to for a few years in a row.

[kliunkii]

reminder to self: never get sick again.

put on five sweaters if you need to, just dont get cold ever again cuz this shit sucks so bad i am in agony

[kliunkii]

fanart for @vyl3tpwny because love love happy joy lve <3333

[kliunkii]

so emotional and angry and upset and unsatisfied for no reason rn. idk if i want myself to change or if i want everyone around me to be better and as good as i am. i am battling my ego rn because i never learned what the difference between confidence and arrogance is

[kliunkii]

vent time while i still have energy

why the FUCK is it that whenever i try my best, i get the most shit for it. why is it that when i actually put effort and time into what im doing, it turns out either 1. like shit, 2. or noone approves of it.

why the fuck did i try so hard with analysis of my work if NOONE is gonna read it and noone will ever ever ever ever give a shit.

why is it when i am told to be unique and original - and then proceed to be unique ane original - i get told to "tone it down", but when i try to be like everyone else in my field/be like the popular trends atm, i get told that i am being too safe and predictable. why cant i be an artist in an art academy. why do other bitches here get the privilege to be weird and avant garde and get PRAISED for it, but when i try to be loud and proud and confident, i get turned down.

i hate and love my stupid autism brain so much. i feel like i have the capability to be creative and bright and explosive and ambitious but i have some weird shitty aura flying around me at all times that makes people not take me seriously. ever. my ideas are never taken seriously. i will never be taken seriously as an artist because i dont have coloured blue shaves hair and a septum piercing and im not mysterious or cool or artsy. i look like a person. but when i try to be normal, ONLY THEN i am seen as a r**arded artist that cant fit into society and always poke out like a sore thumb. i always feel like i have this stupid fucking screaming aura floating around me. it makes me too visible, it disqualifies my opinions, it degrades me. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

[kliunkii]

strange feeling

[kliunkii]

dear of montreal enjoyers please look at this little illustrated book i did back in 2021 for a track from "Coquelicot asleep in the poppies"..... i think you would find it cute....

honestly i wish i did illustrations like this again, its so fun seeing it come together :')

[kliunkii]

at 21, almost 22, i am only now trying to figure out how my body works, mainly how my menstrual cycle works. because only now have i become suspicious of the fact that my period is always late and now i am seeing a doctor because my period is 70 days late lol and we are suspecting pcos.

what im getting at is that i feel strangely embarassed about not knowing the BASICS of my biology but its not like ive ever been talked to about it in depth ( i am at fault too in a way, because i never really asked any of my women friends or family ).

so its strangely healing to finally talk openly about it to people and figure out all the things that make me ME and the things that make me live and work.

currently this year seems like my year of healing. finally accepting my autism, my furry-ness, my artist-ness, and finally getting to know my woman body for the "first time". im getting better by finally opening up and being honest about my body and soul.

[kliunkii]

ᵗʰᵉ ˢⁿᵒʷ ʳᵘᵍ ᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ

ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᶦᵉˡᵈ ᵒᶠ ᶜˡᵒᵘᵈˢ ᵃᵇᵒᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵏᶦᵉˢ

ˢᵉᵉᵐ ᵗᵒ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵃᵐᵉ ᵏᶦⁿᵈ ᵒᶠ ʳᶦᵖᵖˡᵉ

ᵃˢ ᵗʰᵉ ʷᵃᵛᵉˢ ᵒᶠ ˢᵃⁿᵈ

ᵗʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵒʷ ᵘᵖ ᵃᵍᵃᶦⁿ

ᵒⁿᶜᵉ ᵃ ʰᶦᵍʰᵉʳ ᵃˡᵗᶦᵗᵘᵈᵉ.

ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃˢᶜᵉⁿᵈ

ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᶦᵖᵖˡᵉ ʳᵉᶠˡᵉᶜᵗˢ ᵗʰᵉ ˡᶦⁿᵉˢ ᶦⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ˢᵏᶦⁿ.

ᵗʰᵉ ᵍᶦᵃⁿᵗ,

ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵒⁿᵘᵐᵉⁿᵗᵃˡ

ᶦᵐᶦᵗᵃᵗᵉˢ

ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵐᵃˡˡ,

ᵗʰᵉ ᶠʳᵃᵍᵐᵉⁿᵗᵃˡ.

ᵃⁿᵈ ᵃᵖᵖᵃʳᵉⁿᵗˡʸ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵘᵐᵐᵉʳ ᵇˡᵘᵉ

ᶦˢ ᵃˡʷᵃʸˢ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜˡᵒᵘᵈˢ

[kliunkii]

outfit lookbook for my own future referenceee

[kliunkii]

pup listens to new music

episode 3:

Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

i listened to this album twice because i actually rather enjoyed it! this isn't a genre i thought i would like too much, but something about the sound of this album is very charming and calming.

will definitely be revisiting again!! good soundtrack for playing minecraft and laying in the grass

favourite tracks were:

He doesn't know why

Tiger Mountain Peasant song

White winter hymnal

[kliunkii]

pup listens to new music

episode 2:

Animal Collective - Feels

I've been intrigued by Animal Collective for a while now, esp since i've seen people compare Of Montreal's ( one of my fav bands ) music to it.

And this is just the album that came up next on my "to listen" list thing xd

Honestly wasn't really digging the first half of the album, i did spot some similarities to the older style of OM, with the giggly goofy silly whimsical parts of screeching and screaming, but other than that i didn't really notice anything very OM-ish? It felt wayyyy more "hipster-acoustic-indie-reverb-ear-rape" that was popular in the 2010's ( even though this album is from 2005 woah ).

But near the end the last three tracks kinda started to "feel" better to me, probably because they were more trance-like and calmer, sort of letting the album relax i guess?

All in all, i won't be revisiting this album but i'm glad i tried it. I will definetly be trying out other AC albums sometime in the future tho

[kliunkii]

oh guess what

more of montreal inspired necklaces

[kliunkii]

a man telling you ( a girl ): "sometimes i forget that youre a girl, i feel like im just talking to a dude"

is such an amazingly indirect compliment that i love getting and makes me feel so good about my identity and the way men perceive me

[kliunkii]

moarrrrr necklacessss