koalagirl09

[koalagirl09]

@markiplier

was listening to the radio and heard the sports people talking about cheating in baseball and called whatever they used ‘magic goop’ (I will never not think of goop juice now)

must be how Ethan got his magic goop. Not from the mold or whatever, or from Umbrella Corp.

Ethan winters a baseball player cheating supplier confirmed-

[koalagirl09]

ocd is just the worst never ending would you rather game.

[koalagirl09]

I DIDNT WRITE JONMART

But

I WROTE A JONMARTIN MEETS SUPERNATURAL FIC

Or, martins dad is named John Winchester

Ao3 here: (6 chapters)

Chapter 1: haha oops dad?

Jon was unsure of this. Martin wanted to find his father, to talk with him. It made sense to Jon, closure was a necessary thing for Martin in this situation. And just because he didn’t agree, doesn’t mean that Jon won’t be there by Martin’s side.

Martin entered the room of their house, moving carefully around their cat they found outside when they had first arrived. He had a cotton swab in his mouth, twisting it around the side of his mouth. “Hi darling,” Martin said, giving him a smile. Jon nodded, turning to the box to scan the words on it.

“That should be good enough Martin.” Martin removed the swab and passed it over to Jon, who tucked it in the box. They walked out to the mailbox together, Cow the cat in Jon’s arms. Martin placed it in carefully.

-=-

It was months later. Martin had proposed not a month ago- Jon accepted readily. They had forgotten about the test. It showed up in the mail one day, when Martin collected it as he had done for years.

Jon walked into the house from work, setting down his bag on the counter, calling for Martin- before he saw Martin, standing over the brightly colored envelope, tears staining his cheeks and fog wisping around him.

The fog wrapped around him, looking fluffy and comfortable. Jon bolted over to Martin, hit with the cold wave of icy sea fog. “Martin,” Jon said gently. “Come back to me.” When Martin remained frozen, his hope began to drop. He couldn’t lose Martin- not again. “Martin,” he begged. “Love, come back. We’ve got each other. We’ve got Cow.” he said. “We aren’t alone. You are not alone.”

Martin’s eyes began to focus on Jon, the fog evaporating. “Hi.” he said tiredly. “My results are in,” he said. He was guided to the sofa, sitting down carefully. “Hand me the laptop?” his hoarse voice called out.

Jon hesitated, before grabbing the laptop and opening it. Martin took it, holding it on his lap, typing in the instruction on the letter.

“Martin,” Jon’s voice softly called. “Are you sure you want to do this?” MArtin nodded as he opened the web page, keyboard responding as his fingers logged in. Martin started to feel fog pooling at his feet, but a warm hand placed itself on his arm. The website popped up, showing his results.

Martin smiled softly. “My father is… named John,” he looked up at his partner, letting out a chuckle.

“He lives in America apparently.” Jon nodded at the information. They looked at the specifics. Martin opened a new tab, and after some discussion, they agreed. Tickets were booked, Cow had his carrier. Jon packed the bags, and that night, they were ready to leave. The Institute’s insurance was all too willing to pay their fees.

They were heading to Kansas, to find one John Winchester. Jon wouldn’t kick his butt, yet, anyways, but he wouldn’t hesitate to use his Eye powers on him.

[koalagirl09]

IM ON AO3 PLEASE CHECK ME OUT

[koalagirl09]

i fell off a horse (I’m good) and took a second. Shower. Wow. Feeling proud x2!!

[koalagirl09]

showered for first time in about 8-9 days proud!!!!

[koalagirl09]

How Fanon Spiral (TMA) is ableist. (not spoiler free)

So as a mini disclaimer: I myself experience psychosis (professionally diagnosed), among other things, but the point is I have hallucinations and delusions and reality is a tricky thing for me. I think it’s important to point out that I am not just making these claims that it’s ableist at random, I’m pointing out tropes and stereotypes that are harmful and dangerous for folks with psychosis. I also apologize if any of this is worded poorly, please feel free to shoot me an ask if you need clarification on anything. That being said, let’s give some context. In TMA, the fears are all based around very real things people deal with in real life, the Spiral is no different. The Spiral in canon, is based around warped realities and illusions. In other words, psychosis. Hallucinations, delusions, etc. In TMA canon, as far as I have listened to (I have listened up to ep 164) this is handled very well, in my opinion! Victims of the Spiral are not treated as evil, or stereotypically psychotic, they’re just people that struggle with identifying what’s reality and what isn’t. They’re just scared and confused and trying their best. To me, it never read as stereotyping clearly psychotic coded characters, it handled it as realistically as it could (since obviously the Spiral IS a real at least semi-physical thing in TMA’s world, unlike in real life). The problem comes in with the Distortion. I will focus on Michael Distortion specifically, since I’ve listened to his entire arc and have not listened to all of TMA yet so I know less about Helen, but it applies to Helen Distortion as well as the rest of the Spiral. In TMA canon, Michael as a human is portrayed as sweet and caring and maybe a little naive, or gullible. He’s just a person. Once he becomes the distortion, he is never, to my knowledge, described as being overly colorful, or eyestrain-y. Honestly for the most part, he is described as looking fairly… normal. Yes, his hands are fucked up, but he’s just in a coffee shop, casually, and there’s no mention from Sasha that he’s wearing the brightest, gaudiest thing on the planet, or anything like that. He blends in. How does this apply to ableism and psychosis you ask? It all has to do with stereotypes and harmful tropes! Psychotic stereotypes and harmful tropes. These little babies are hardly talked about in most fandom spaces, but they’re in almost any media you consume. Some examples being: characters that experience hallucinations + delusions being reduced to “crazy”  giggly killers, delusional characters being portrayed as stupid/incompetent, making hallucinations and delusions the butt of jokes, assuming that hallucinations are always funny, wacky little acid trips! So, to get to the meat of this post: The Distortion in TMA is, consistently by the fandom, portrayed as a colorful, wacky, psychedelic, manic, giggly stoner-type hippie.

The whole fear, that is based on psychosis, based on the experiences of psychotic people, is reduced by the fandom to a funny, colorful drug trip.

That is ableist.

I want everyone to understand what is it actually like to experience psychotic symptoms. I know I cannot speak for everyone, I know my own experiences, my husband’s experiences (He is also psychotic), and I have done a lot of research on this topic! And it’s not fun, it’s not wacky, or just eye burning colors. Hallucinations make you question if they are real. Because they could be.

They are shadows or they are so close to being real looking that you second guess yourself, if not just fully believe they are real. Some hallucinations I experience as an example, are spiders, just randomly, for a moment, crawling and disappearing under things. I never know if they are real or not, so I always check. Or people, standing places. I know they aren’t there, because in context, it hardly makes sense, but I’m never… 100% sure.

Hallucinations are seeing things out of the corner of your eye that look SO real and detailed, but if you look head on they disappear. Hallucinations are hearing voices you swear are real, you’re so convinced that you look around and see if anyone else reacts to it. They don’t, obviously, because it’s in your head, but you still wonder?

Hallucinations are sleeping with the lights on because if you don’t the shadows in your room become a person and move like a person and delusions are knowing that’s not real but also knowing in your heart that that thing that just formed itself out of shadows in your hall is very real and can hurt you. You become afraid and paranoid because you never feel safe! You question yourself! And throw in intrusive, violent, deeply upsetting thoughts and you have someone that no one even TRIES understand, and someone that constantly has their experiences reduced to something only crazed manic killers and hippies on drugs experience.

It’s not okay.

Fandom Michael Distortion, and the Spiral as a whole is heavily psychotic coded, if not an outright portrayal of psychosis. And the distortion, is constantly, nearly exclusively, drawn as if they are just a wacky, chaotic, manic killer hippie. Do… you see where I’m going with this?

This post is long, and I’m tired, and worn out. This specific brand of ableism is consistently ignored, and honestly I don’t expect anyone to pay attention to this post because it’s so much easier to just ignore the random person on tumblr then it is to actually reflect on how you portray a character you probably love. I get it, I do, it’s hard to accept that how you’ve been consuming something is harmful. Especially when the whole fandom seems to portray it that way. It’s easy to just say “well everyone else is doing it” or just say I’m being dramatic, etc, etc.

But I ask of anyone that reads this, to really think about this. I don’t blame most people that portray the Distortion how they do, there is a significant lack of education and resources on the topic of psychosis. It’s very easy to forget about psychotic people, or reduce us to the stereotypes. And it’s easy to not realize that you’re doing it, especially if you don’t experience psychosis. I don’t blame anyone for simply not realizing.

But, you do need to own up, and if you truly, really care about fighting ableism, this includes fighting ableist portrayals of psychotic and psychotic coded characters. the distortion has no canon design. The fans created the general Michael and Helen looks, and the fans can change them. You can be the person that fights against ableist stereotypes and tropes, you just have to accept that you too, can make mistakes, and that making mistakes is okay, so long as you make the effort to reflect on your own actions and change them when they’re hurting others.

Just… ask yourself, is the way the distortion is portrayed really more important than actual, real life people?

(Also I am open to discussion on this so long as it’s civil, but if you do not experience psychosis, you genuinely have no say in what is or isn’t ableist towards us, so keep your opinions to yourself.)

[koalagirl09]

UPDATE OH BOY

Apparently it’s ‘good’ to I guess change your clothes. (I have not in over a week, this is a pattern I have followed for a many time periods)

Also not showering except once in two weeks is also bad???

Some brain thinking needs to occur yes. (So i guess my followers and fellow tumblurians, please shower and change your clothes)

thinking about how pajamas don’t make sense

[koalagirl09]

so I’m in therpay right

I casually mention an extreme lack of motivation

and based upon that and a few other things she’s like ‘hmmm it’s sounds like this might be leaning towards symptoms of depression’

Me, being me just spurts our ‘lol no I just get my motivation shifted to what it’s not supposed to be on andnfoxus on that while I am knowing I have overdue assignments’

she just stares at me and asked me a question. I said yep. She asked another few (hmmm which thanks to the internet I had found out were symptoms of ADHD after she mentioned if I had ever been diagnosed with it as a child) and said yeah, you sound like you might have some ADHD.

[koalagirl09]

I KNOW EVERYONE IS EAGER FOR AN UPDATE. I HAD THREE SECTIONS, GOT A 55% YAY I THOUGHT I DID WELL BUT I GOT WORSE THAN BEFORE YAY STUDYING DIDNT WORK WOOOO

how do I tell my teachers I didn’t study??

Reality:

‘Oh yeah the reason i didn’t study?? Just forgot ig’ (more like I will LIE AND SAY I DID LOL)

the actual what happened

-didn’t want to get up to avoid a trigger

-there’s several triggers in the assignment that TIE INTO AN AWFUL COMPULSION

-I have some serious procrastination issues

-sorry I kinda got distracted at some points

-kinda started freaking out over the trigger and tried to distract myself...

-my brain felt like it was buzzing

-i can’t read the words on the screen without having to literally spend five minutes focusing on the word and not being able to register it still so I’m just guessing LOLLL

-but teacher, I felt sick in the stomach

-yes I knew this test was coming but also resort to option 3 please

-many apologies

-I’ll take the grade thank you

[koalagirl09]

TURNS OUT THAT REDDIT WAS THE THING TO MAKE ME HAVE TO GIVE INTO THE COMPULSIONS

how do I tell my teachers I didn’t study??

Reality:

‘Oh yeah the reason i didn’t study?? Just forgot ig’ (more like I will LIE AND SAY I DID LOL)

the actual what happened

-didn’t want to get up to avoid a trigger

-there’s several triggers in the assignment that TIE INTO AN AWFUL COMPULSION

-I have some serious procrastination issues

-sorry I kinda got distracted at some points

-kinda started freaking out over the trigger and tried to distract myself...

-my brain felt like it was buzzing

-i can’t read the words on the screen without having to literally spend five minutes focusing on the word and not being able to register it still so I’m just guessing LOLLL

-but teacher, I felt sick in the stomach

-yes I knew this test was coming but also resort to option 3 please

-many apologies

-I’ll take the grade thank you

[koalagirl09]

how do I tell my teachers I didn’t study??

Reality:

‘Oh yeah the reason i didn’t study?? Just forgot ig’ (more like I will LIE AND SAY I DID LOL)

the actual what happened

-didn’t want to get up to avoid a trigger

-there’s several triggers in the assignment that TIE INTO AN AWFUL COMPULSION

-I have some serious procrastination issues

-sorry I kinda got distracted at some points

-kinda started freaking out over the trigger and tried to distract myself...

-my brain felt like it was buzzing

-i can’t read the words on the screen without having to literally spend five minutes focusing on the word and not being able to register it still so I’m just guessing LOLLL

-but teacher, I felt sick in the stomach

-yes I knew this test was coming but also resort to option 3 please

-many apologies

-I’ll take the grade thank you

[koalagirl09]

The nicest compliment I’ve ever gotten was just now, January 27th at whatever o clock in the morning, before 9am.

It was:

If you were singing at a restaurant, I would eat there.

End quote.

AHHHHHHHHHH

[koalagirl09]

guys why is this my largest post-

so yknow that stream whet ph1lza said ‘gun time for daddy’

I now have a hc that someone tried to break into the sleepy bois (house, farm, whatever works) and either

a) they are seen as an easy target cause Phil’s real nice and stuff. But when they get there, the children start singing from their hiding spots ‘my daddy’s got a gun’ and Phil shows up with like a crossbow and firework or arrows or something and he ominously says ‘gun time for daddy’

I will be posting different versions of this written out- I have too many not to.

[koalagirl09]

so yknow that stream whet ph1lza said ‘gun time for daddy’

I now have a hc that someone tried to break into the sleepy bois (house, farm, whatever works) and either

a) they are seen as an easy target cause Phil’s real nice and stuff. But when they get there, the children start singing from their hiding spots ‘my daddy’s got a gun’ and Phil shows up with like a crossbow and firework or arrows or something and he ominously says ‘gun time for daddy’

I will be posting different versions of this written out- I have too many not to.

[koalagirl09]

I will be KAR(l)ying

[koalagirl09]

WHY KARL PLEASE NO o7