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koenma-week · 8 months

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Disillusion

Written for @Koenma-week

Summary: Koenma isn't very old when he becomes disillusioned by his father. When his eyes awaken to the truth. (angst, trauma, child abuse, xenophobia, about 2k words)

***

Koenma is fourteen, a true fourteen, when his father lets him come to work.

Enma looks at his child, strokes a measuring hand down the top of his head, and tells him, "It's time you felt what your first stamp on a life's contract does." He looks pleased at the thought, and Koenma is only a little frightened by his father's expression.

His father's smiles never looked... happy. Just cruel, superior, and unkind.

Koenma often feels small in his father's presence, the height not having much to do with it. His father has an important job as ruler of the spirit world, the person who judges the dead, at least for Japan, and a section of the Makai. But that position is revered and makes his father a powerful man.

A mountain that Koenma's not sure he can measure up to.

"Remember, as high as we are, there's always someone higher, and while we never see them, we must listen. But also remember," Enma says with a sneer, "We are better than the other rulers of the Spirit world with their pitiful territories. The rulers over the territory in China, for instance, have four rulers, instead of one---they are so inferior! And the Americas are so pathetic, that they have Ten! Ha! Ten rulers needed to judge a simple soul, and keep an eye on their district!"

Koenma lets his father ramble, uncomfortable by his father's words. He is still young and doesn't know how to explain that his father's words are unkind and make him feel... wrong. He also holds his tongue in pointing out that the territories that have more leaders, are also larger, and therefore might need more hands in aiding all the work.

Surely, judging a soul is not an easy task.

"Here we are son," Enma says at last, guiding the inexperienced prince into the office. "Sit down. I am going to give you a paper, you read it aloud to the spirit, and then judge the soul. I have the stamp and seal left out for you."

Koenma is guided into a cushy seat, and an overlarge desk. The chair on it's own adjusts its height to the desk, usually meant for his father's size, and not his. His feet dangle high off the floor, and he feels even younger and more inexperienced as he waits behind the desk, that is meant for a frame six times his size.

His father takes a place against the wall, and Koenma looks down at the desk. There is one sheet of paper before him, a pad of red ink, and a golden seal. He itches to touch it instincts telling him that this is duty, to hold the heavy stamp in his hand, but he keeps his hands folded on the table and waits.

The spirit that is marched in is middle-aged Ronin, with long black hair. His back is straight and his brown eyes are at peace. Uncomfortably, his body is riddled with arrows, in his chest and back, but the spirit does not seem to notice them. The Ronin marches before Koenma, and then takes a seated kneeling position, his hands resting on his thigh as he awaits judgment.

Koenma nervously takes up the paper, and ignores how his voice cracks as he reads the document, "Hoshino Ryota, age forty-seven. Died in battle against the feudal lord of his territory."

"Yes," The spirit answers when Koenma pauses.

Koenma shoots a nervous glance at his father, to see if he has already messed up what he was supposed to do, but Enma does not look at him and instead remains passively facing the front.

Koenma licks his lips, and returns to reading, "Hoshino picked up his sword and led a rebellion against the lord of his territory due to his lord's crimes. As Hoshino is the loser of this battle, he shall be sentenced to wander in hell for a hundred years, before a chance of reincarnation."

The Ronin's mouth ripples, and he closes his eyes.

He does not voice a complaint against the sentence.

Koenma rereads the paper, the short document disturbing him deeply. He turns the paper around, looking for more details, but he finds none. 'This can't be right...' Koenma thinks, and traces the words, '...led a rebellion against the lord of his territory due to his lord's crimes.'

The words glow, and new words spring to life, an extension adding to the paper.

Koenma reads it aloud eagerly, "The lord's crimes consisted of heavy over taxation, stealing of crops, abduction of women, and children, murder, and rape."

Koenma blinks at the lengthy list of sins, and mutters, "Well then Hoshino Ryota had every right to rebel!"

Enma clears his throat, and Koenma jumps to look at his father. Enma is not looking at him, but his face is red with clear anger. Koenma is doing something wrong. Sweating now, Koenma slides his eyes to the Ronin, who is sagging a little in his seat, the weight of despair heavy on his shoulders. He still says nothing against Koenma's earlier sentencing, but his eyes look up at the anxious Prince.

The warrior's eyes ask for nothing and expect nothing.

This human's soul, does not expect justice or kindness, and Koenma's insides twist as he realizes it.

He adverts his eyes quickly away and picks up the stamp.

'Am I really just supposed to send him away to hell? Just like that? Isn't a hundred years a whole lifetime for a human?' Koenma thinks, his mind busy with what he should do.

He touches his finger over Hoshino Ryota's name and wills a question into the name: What were Hoshino Ryota's actions during the rebellion?

Words flooded the paper, and silently Koenma read to himself, 'Hoshino Ryoto robbed from the wealthy Lord and his vassals, and distributed money, goods, and food. He freed slaves and hostages. He spared those who could no longer fight and allowed those not involved in the rebellion to flee the battle. Common sins: Lying, stealing, and envy. Uncommon sins: Murder during times of war.'

This list of Common sins and Uncommon sins made Koenma's head buzz harder. This was a lot to absorb. The common sins were what Koenma might expect from any mortal, and even the uncommon sin of murder was understandable, given the fact that the Ronin was in the midst of a rebellious war. Was the document counting death in times of war, as murder? That couldn't be right... it certainly wasn't fair!

Koenma remained silent, knowing he had no one to ask... or at least no one who would answer.

Koenma, having more confidence with how this paper worked, trailed his hand down the sentencing and tapped it. At his touch, the sentencing changed. Koenma smiled, cycling through suggestions of sentencing. It seemed the Ronin could not get away without going unpunished for being "the loser," of his rebellion, but Koenma saw no reason to judge the man harshly.

Judging someone for losing in battle delt pedantic at best, and plain stupid at worst.

He settled on a new sentence, that he found to be more befitting of the mortal, cleared his throat, and read aloud, "Under reconsideration of the mortal's struggles, As Hoshino Ryota is the looser of this battle, he shall be sentenced to wander in hell for three years before a chance of reincarnation, or a chance at peace and rectitude in the level beyond."

Koenma pressed his stamp into the red pad of ink and then stamped the document.

The paper disappeared into gold light, and Koenma felt a small bit of warmth flood his body, generating a renewing sense of energy inside him he had never felt before. He lifted his head and saw the Ronin had bowed low to Koenma. When he got up, there were tears in his eyes, and while the warrior still kept his silence, he looked at Koenma with a face of gratitude and wonder. He rose to his feet, and his human form fell away, and he became an orb of spiritual essence, bobbed what looked like a bow, and turned away, floating outside the large doors he had come through.

'That felt good!' Koenma thought with a smile, pleased with his handling of that sentencing.

And then his father curled a mighty hand around him, holding Koenma like he was a mere doll in his meaty fist. Enma shook Koenma hard, Koenma's head snapping and rolling painfully as he was shaken around wildly. Enma howled, "You little fool! You were to read the paper and stamp it! That was it!"

"F-Father! Father wait," Koenma cried, feeling sick from the dizzying shake, "But... but his circumstances, the crimes of his lord-"

"His lord will be judged when he comes here!" Enma snapped. The paper does it all for us! You read it, stamp it, and move on!"

Enma threw Koenma who went skidding across the marbled floor before he smacked into an ornate pillar, the wind knocking out of him as he collided against it. He curled against the piller atrying to catch his breath.

"Foolish little idiot!" Enma raged, "Do not make your work harder! You were supposed to stamp the paper and experience the completion of a contract, that was it!"

"But I... that warmth," Koenma managed when he could find the words to speak, "That... that warmth, I felt it. When I... when I completed the contract. When I stamped-"

"That is nothing!" Enma snapped dismissively. He heaved a great sigh, and put his fingers to his brow, "That little bit of energy is nothing! Don't you know, the harsher the sentencing, the more strength we get?! If you want to become a giant like myself, you will learn to do as the paper says!"

Enma lumbered over to his cushy seat, and sank into it with a depressive sigh, "You disgust me. Away with you. When you are a hundred years of age, we will try this again, and if you do it correctly, I will entrust you with work. But not a moment before!"

Koenma painfully got on all fours, his spine popping sharply as his back muscles spasmed.

"Get out!" Enma roared, slamming a fist on his desk.

Koenma was forced to crawl out of the office, his body hurting too much to allow himself to attempt to stand, let alone walk.

"Oh dear, oh dear, Lord Koenma, are you alright?" A kind voice said, as he made it past his Father's ornate office doors. Gentle hands fell on his back. He looked up into the face of a concerned blue-haired woman, her pink eyes wide with concern.

Koenma made to speak, but found there was nothing to say.

What was he supposed to say?

The woman's hands glowed, as she pressed a shooting golden energy into his back, something that was reminiscent of what completing the Ronin's life contract had felt like. After a moment, he was well enough to stand, and the woman kept a hand around his waist as she offered to walk him back to his room.

Swirling with the realization of his father's true face, Koenma quietly accepted it, and let her walk him down the hall. She babbled at him, but he found that he could not focus on her words, or find his own words to say, even if he longed to talk, to ask questions.

Was his father always like that?

To employees?

To souls?

Did he never consider lessoning a mortal soul's burden?

Even if they had suffered?

"It'll be okay..." The woman's words finally registered just outside his bedroom.

He looked at her, her face cast down to the floor, "You'll get used to it."

Koenma's eyes flashed, and a golden flicker burned in his eyes, "No."

She turned to him, and he shook his head, "No... I will never get used to it. I will never judge like that."

"My prince," the woman whispered, pink eyes gentle with concern, "if you don't, then you will amass power slowly, and your journey to Godhood will become stunted. You'll never be the massive form like your father... you'll be small, weak. A child in comparison."

"Better a child who knows better... than a giant monster who doesn't," Koenma reasoned, before pushing away from the woman, to go into his room and rest.

There was a lot to think about, a quiet rebellion stirring in his heart.

Things could not remain this way.

Before he shut the door on the ferry woman who was staring at him with open shock, he wondered privately, if that little bit of strength completing Hoshino Ryota's contract, had been the man's will. The will to lead a rebellion against cruelness and tyranny.

Time would have to tell Koenma how brave he could be.

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