kortiz1 - Tumblr blog

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Based off of this suggestion sent to @fierysuggestion

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When running is your true love…

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Unica Zurn

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radical softness is my way of regaining strength for my abundance of emotions and mental illness. it means healing publicly and sharing my emotions without shame. hiding my mental breakdowns behind closed doors is damaging and adds to the stigma behind mental illness. i acknowledge that not everyone is able to share themselves freely and that certain privileges make this easier for others. my main intention with this work is to show that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. strength does not have to mean turning off how you feel and being guarded. it can be sharing yourself openly. it can be putting energy into healing. it can be documenting your emotions in-order to make others feel less alone. it can be refusing to be sorry for how you feel. radical softness embraces tenderness and emotionality-however they may look.

prints available here 

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I am Resilient Poster #quote #inspirationalquote #resilient #iamresilient Designed by https://ift.tt/2pvppFs. Feel free to share with credit :)

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// directed by Guillermo del Toro

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My Personal Experience

My name is not important.  What is important is my truth.  I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bi-Polar Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder.  I have been in treatment and taken medication for many years and am on disability for such.  I was approved the first time I applied.

Two and a half years ago, I was sexually assaulted by a Federal Agent in my home while his partner stayed in their vehicle.  I filed a criminal complaint with my local Sheriff’s Department.  They did not believe me and chose to not investigate what occurred.  I finally found the courage to report it to the Agency by which the man was employed.  It was investigated by DHS OIG and the Secret Service.

I was terrified the Agent would kill me, as I was the only witness, and asked for protection.  DHS OIG and the U.S. Attorney’s Office refused.  They said they do not have the manpower.  My fear was so intense, I checked myself into a psychiatric ward where I knew I would be watched and be safe.

The Assistant U.S. Prosecutor did not indict the man.  He referred to a lack of credibility.  He did not believe any effort to have a trial would be successful.  I heard what he was saying, but could not absorb it in my heart.  I was devastated.  After his decision was made, I was thrown away as if I were trash.  They will not speak to me or answer any of my questions.

I wished to know more regarding the dynamics of the investigation, so I filed an FOIA request to DHS OIG.  I received their results not long ago.  As I read it, I was called “crazy” many, many times.  Many.  Every single Agency with whom I had contact did so.  It was mentioned I sought treatment from a number of doctors and hospitals.  The Agent himself referred to me with words I will not share here and denied his actions.  It was stated my local Police Department hates dealing with me because I am “crazy”.  I was heartbroken, once again. I was filled with shame regarding my mental illness, how I am perceived, and angry the Agent will never be held accountable for his actions.

I filed an FOIA with the Secret Service.  They absolutely refused to give me any information regarding what occurred in my home.  I do not know his name and never will.  There will be no resolution.  They have hidden this from the public and the press.  He is a shadow.  I am a “liar”.  It is one more reason I am perceived as “crazy”.

I have fought very hard to maintain a modicum of sanity through this.  I have lost most of my friendships.  I have alienated my family as I was told to “get over it”.  It still breaks my heart and brings me so much shame I wish to hide from the public and my local Police.  My pain comes in waves.  I try very hard to not think about it.  But I cannot.

The challenges with which I have had to face have been immense, but I am still alive.  Being called “crazy” is very difficult to accept, but I know I am extremely intelligent, honest, and have accomplished many things in my lifetime. 

It is my hope I will be able to hold my head up high despite the opinions of others.  I have a mental Illness as many do.  I have survived the unspeakable and having done so, I realize I am very, very strong.  I am grateful to know there are others who fight the battles I face.  I would not wish my experience on anyone, but I hope to inspire others to find their dignity and belief in themselves despite their struggles.  I am not my diagnoses.  I am a human being.  I breathe and exist. 

Please know you are not alone.  We are many, and we are so much more than any stigma we face.  Stay safe and love yourself.  Be real.  Be who you are and never, never give up.  Never.  As long as there is breath, there is hope.

My heart to you, always.     

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That's Why

It was when my mom had to buy her 13 year old daughter lotion for stretch marks It was when I was picking out an outfit and had to keep telling them that the clothes were to small It was picking out homecoming dresses for the other person and saying my size under my breath It was the “do u really NEED more food?” It was the way the doctors looked at me when they wrote down my medically obese weight on their charts It was the fact that when I told my friend I stopped eating she brushed it off because I wasn’t skinny enough to be in danger It was that my friends dad said that after high school when guys stop caring about looks so much, I’ll get all the guys It was the fact that I was the only one at the pool not wearing a bikini It was the fact that I’d never had a boyfriend or a best friend

That’s why I started

It’s the fact I carry safety pins in my purse because most of my clothes are too big It’s the “have you lost weight?” It’s the “I’m gonna try on a medium shirt” It’s the LOSING WEIGHT It’s not looking as much at sizes because if it looks like it will fit it probably will It’s the heart race that you get when you see you’ve lost even a pound It’s the thrill of accomplishing something you’ve worked so hard for

That’s why I kept going

It’s finally hitting your goal weight It’s going back to school and watching everyone’s jaws drop It’s never worrying about muffin tops or thunder thighs again It’s having a lazy day and it being cute not slobby It’s the eating a cookie and not having people think ‘that’s why she’s fat’ because you’re not It’s the boys that flirt with you It’s the girls that are jealous of you It’s the body you’ve always wanted

That’s why I’m in the hospital

It was the malnutrition that made you faint It was the over used heart that went into cardiac arrest It was the lack of food that make your hair and nails frail and brittle It was the doctor that couldn’t save you It was the therapist that could get to you It was the eating disorder that controlled you

That’s why I’m dead

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