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[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 9, Part 2

*stares tiredly at clock that says 3:40 in the goddamn morning*

1. I find it interesting--

--that Sangwoo shows up behind Bum at the point when Bum’s tearing up. What timing you have, Sir Grim Reaper.

I can kinda hear Sangwoo’s thoughts in this part. Like ‘Ah yes the universe has righted itself again’ lol. Which would be gratifying to Sangwoo because he’s putting Bum back in his place and making sure Bum knows that he can’t fuck with Sangwoo the way Sangwoo is fucking with him. It’s sort of like Sangwoo ensuring himself that Bum has no power over him and, in that way, Bum is still safe to keep around. Bum can’t hurt him.

2. I wonder what’s going through Sangwoo’s head here

Seriously, with this strange expression...I want to say it’s guilt, but obviously it’s more like...curiosity than anything. Sangwoo seems to react whenever he sees Bum’s tears and not in a necessarily good way. More like neutral, like it can go either way depending on the situation. So now that Bum’s not only crying, but doing so silently--not daring to beg for his life and to anger Sangwoo--it’s like there’s a shift in Sangwoo.

I think we can see him tweak his plan a bit, do something he didn’t actually mean to do before seeing Bum’s expression. Again, it’s not quite guilt, but whatever it is makes him empathetic towards Bum. Something that no one before Bum could’ve evoked from him. And I don’t even think this is BECAUSE of Bum, but because of Sangwoo’s reaction to specifically Bum. It does show that, again, he is a sociopath, not a psychopath. Sangwoo is capable of empathy and his feelings for Bum is making that capability more pronounced.

The difference is important to emphasize because that explains why, in the end, Sangwoo worsens, even after he tries to get better. Even though Bum was the catalyst for his desire to change, Sangwoo is the only one who can actually change himself. But because his reaction to Bum deteriorated because he was facing his demons without any professional/genuine assistance to help him deal with those demons...he no longer reacted by trying to lessen Bum’s pain, but to burn Bum alive with him so that they both are drowning in the pain Sangwoo can no longer swim in.

...That’s something I’ll explore more when we get to the point where Sangwoo decides he no longer needs Bum.

3. Wait, what??

Is this...is this Sangwoo’s hand??  At first, I thought it was Bum reaching out to take a card, but then in the next panel, Bum still has both hands on his cards, so...this was...Sangwoo??  Why would his hand be trembling??? If he was motioning for Bum’s attention, then it would make more sense for the ‘tremble’ to be ‘wave’ or whatever other suffix.

Uhm. Well, if this was his hand trembling...then it might be because, again, he’s changing his plan just because he has seen Bum’s tears.  His hands are trembling because he’s doing something that is meant to alleviate someone’s pain. He wants to stop because the meaning of it is too scary to admit to, but he goes through with it because he can’t actually stop himself---thus, the trembling.

And I think this is when he decides, at this moment, to stop prolonging Bum’s suffering. This echoes back to Bum’s thoughts (’As long as there’s a chance to pull the joker, we’re both going to nervous’) and Sangwoo thinks the same also...which does show that these two can make great partners in crime in another time and world lol.

4. Lol, here you can see the North American vs Korean body language difference

Americans: HE’S FLIPPING BUM OFF OH MY GOD (honestly, I laughed at this too because it definitely appears this way and it cracks me up)

Koreans: Wait isn’t he just pointing...

Westernized or Western-familiar Koreans (Or Korean-familiar Westerners): ...Both. He’s definitely doing both.

This next panel is what makes me confused as to who the heck was trembling. Koogi is obviously trying to make this as vague as possible for a reason. And actually, I appreciate it, because you know that if she directly depicted Sangwoo trembling like that, there would be like “OHHHH SO CUTE” commentary or something...because, actually, that’s what a part of me is thinking. :’)

I do think that, if it was Sangwoo trembling, then Sangwoo purposefully used his middle finger like that to avoid thinking about the meaning behind his actions. He especially kept a smirk on his face so that he could keep his body language linked to the way he wants to perceive his thoughts (not a ‘I want to help Bum because he’s really suffering here’, but a ‘this is no longer fun with the way Bum is reacting, so I’ll end the game here’).

5. I LAUGHED SO HARD OH MY GOD

He’s like “Bum you dumb fucker, I try to help you and you fucking do this”. Asshole, what kind of clue are you giving Bum, especially since you have given him EVERY reason to believe that you are one step away from killing him (and don’t fucking lie because YOU ARE).

But the fact that he tries to make his intentions even clearer instead of just giving up because he’s annoyed with Bum...that really comes to show how he has started falling into Lima Syndrome.

6. Okay see now this confuses me

From what I remember and from the few things I skimmed over, Bum doesn’t actually...like killing. I think he’s closer to psychopathic tendencies than Sangwoo is (who is sociopathic), but he’s not actually psychopathic, so him feeling giddy does make me pause.

But I think what Bum is feeling giddy over is A) being able to one up this guy, who obviously is trying just as hard as Bum is to throw the other under the bus in order to live. He likes the power rush he’s feeling and this does come to show how him and Sangwoo both feel better at being able to overpower someone who is looking down on them. Sangwoo just takes extra perverse joy in it due to his sociopathy and his early, repeated exposure to death (not only death, but murder on a very personal scale between his parents).

BUT!

B) The fact that Sangwoo is helping him. Because if Bum were able to take pleasure in putting down anyone who looked down on him, then he would’ve felt vindicated rather than guilty and hesitant when thinking he could finally leave Sangwoo (though, if he were the type to feel vindicated over that, he probably would’ve been much more careful and determined to leave Sangwoo at that time). But the thing is, Bum is still in love with Sangwoo and that’s compounded by his Stockholm Syndrome.

So, knowing that Sangwoo is helping him and that means Sangwoo still wants him...that is more vindicating to Bum than one-upping Sangwoo ever could be. In future instances, where he could one-up Sangwoo, it’s clear that all Bum feels is guilt and shame because he knows that means Sangwoo will reject him. And that feels just as much as a death sentence as murder itself.

7. I’m wheezing s;orjgioserjg

I literally just typed out an entire paragraph about this and Koogi says something similar in one goddamn sentence lol.

Though this is very revealing about why Bum crossed the line.  In a way, both Sangwoo and Bum have been continuously failing each other’s tests ever since they met. The thing is, they both want different things from each other. Sangwoo wants Bum to make him feel human and be Bum’s priority, Bum wants Sangwoo to want him despite the type of person he is and be equally obsessed with him.

Not only that, but the way they test each other is different.

Bum has this way of not acknowledging the reasoning behind his actions, so he ends up doing things instinctively so that he can also make excuses for his actions.  That way, if Sangwoo doesn’t react the way he ‘should’ (lovingly, forgivingly), he can easily back out and go a different reaction. However, if Sangwoo does react the way he should, then yay. He earns more and more of Bum’s loyalty.

Sangwoo keeps setting up these goddamn tests that is meant to ‘train’ Bum into responding the way Sangwoo wants him to respond. If Bum scueeds, then he gives him rewards via treating him lovingly and even sexually. If Bum fails, he keeps punishing him until Bum can prove that he’s not a lost cause and can still be loyal to Sangwoo.

They’re both equally manipulative in different, yet very damning, ways.

So yeah. The fact that Bum is the most comforted right now and the reason for it is because he’s still special to Sangwoo...that means the main reason why Bum tried to escape is because he didn’t feel like Sangwoo saw him as special at all.

On top of leaving Bum in the house--so Bum doesn’t even know where Sangwoo goes and he’s most likely with other girls--Sangwoo keeps comparing Bum to his mom (and this becomes even more of a problem later on). It has nothing to do with him wanting Bum and that must be (from Bum’s POV) the reason why Sangwoo hurts him--because he’s not actually his mom, nor is he someone special enough to keep alive or not hurt. I think, even more than the thought of dying, that is what hurts Bum to a point of wanting to die.

I have a lot more thoughts on this, but that’s pretty much the main point of it.

8. One thing to note here

Bum doesn’t seem to be thinking about this in terms of “Yay, I get to live another day”, but more “Yay, Sangwoo holds some affection for me”.  Obviously, he is worried about his life. Even though that’s not really his primary objective, being able to survive another day trumps whatever else. When faced with death, he’ll prioritize survival. But when faced with everything else, he becomes blind to the survival aspect to prioritize one-on-one, personal connection. 

So instead of thinking like...’Sangwoo’s level of affection is important to whether or not I survive’, it’s more like ‘Sangwoo’s level of affection is important because I want to be special to him’.

So, the fact that he feels good about Sangwoo liking him despite another man’s life being on the line does show what he’s feeling for Sangwoo is not completely Stockholm Syndrome. The love is there (because I’m not the type of of person to see love as a wholly positive thing lol, love is love, whether it’s abusive or uplifting), but so is obsession, possessiveness, and egotism.

That’s why, had Sangwoo actually treated Bum lovingly (I still believe he loved Bum, just again, in an abusive and toxic way), I think we could’ve seen a much more different response to card!dude and Jieun’s death.

But this also makes Bum’s refusal to kill people all the more interesting. Again, I don’t think it’s because he’s a ‘better’ person than Sangwoo morally. This will be interesting to explore once we get to Jieun’s death.

9. OH. RIGHT. OKAY.

I said earlier that Sangwoo was trying to end the game quickly so that Bum doesn’t have to deal with the anxiety any longer, but that’s actually not quite true (I’m still not totally wrong either though lol).

Actually, what Sangwoo has been doing is, in a way, trying to assure Bum that, yes, he is special. The thing with Sangwoo is that he’s really, really good at reading people. Too good at it (like, I only have insight into people’s thoughts if I have personally experienced their emotions in some way...for Sangwoo, he can read it like a goddamn book).

I think that is what caused his downfall, actually, because having uncanny insight into the worst parts of people can screw you up even more. In a way, Bum’s stubborn obliviousness to people’s motives is what was able to keep him sane in a way that Sangwoo was no longer able to.

So he can see that Bum is feeling betrayed, that he thinks Sangwoo is really trying to throw Bum away. And that is when Sangwoo realized...that, no, he wasn’t. His answer should’ve been yes, he should’ve been in agreement with Bum, but that isn’t what he was doing here at all.

I’m sure, at first, it really was about screwing with card!dude and showing his anger at Bum for being the catalyst behind his going to the gay bar. But when he saw Bum’s tears and felt the emotion he first felt when they first met, but even stronger...that is when he changed plans. Because he could see Bum’s thoughts before him, hurt that Sangwoo was abandoning him--and he could hear his own thoughts, telling Bum that he was wrong because...

...Because he didn’t want to abandon Bum.

10. Oh oh oh look at that expression, oh oh

So, from my last words, I just realized that maybe the change of plans Sangwoo had...it probably  had nothing to do with something as small as making feel Bum better about the game...but realizing that Bum is important enough to him that he’ll reenact his mother’s death with Bum himself, thus chaining Bum even tighter to him, WHICH.  GAH. JESUS. I’LL TALK ABOUT THAT MORE NEXT CHAPTER.

But yeah, the fact that Sangwoo was going to make such a change in his plans...when his hands (if those were his hands) were trembling in that panel, it was most likely due to the realization that Bum was no longer someone he could easily throw away.

And what does Sangwoo do whenever he’s experiencing new emotions?  He fucking forces his environment to go back into the emotional state he has been stuck in--the reason why he is like this in the first place. The new emotions are a danger, so there are only two ways to make himself feel safe again: Get rid of Bum, the outlier that is the cause for his entering the danger zone--or bring something back from the past in order to make his environment familiar again.

So, even though he never planned to enact his mother’s death, he has been reliving it day by day for years, so it actually isn’t too far left field that he would’ve needed some more time to think it up.

And honestly, Bum’s smile when he was thinking to himself ‘I’m giddy’, was probably something that further gave birth to this idea and made Sangwoo even more convinced to go through with it.

Because that would mean Bum would then feel the same way whenever Sangwoo killed someone (liberating, vindicated) and that would be all the more reason for Bum to stay with him. Because they’d be kindered spirits who found each other, the only people who would be able to understand each other.

11. Lol, actually, of all the times to be reminded of that incident...

The cola girl incident where Bum thought they were dating, but they definitely weren’t.

But yeah, I think because this is the most comforted Bum feels, more assured than ever that he’s important to Sangwoo (especially since, unlike himself who snuck in there, Sangwoo took card!dude back home like all the other girls).  So of course, he’ll be reminded of when he also felt so assured about something, only to be proven so fucking wrong later and be humiliated.

12. Which one which onnnneeee

Ah Bum here hoping that Sangwoo will pass his ‘test’.

One thing to also note is that the reason why Bum and Sangwoo’s testing methods are so different from each other is because Sangwoo’s methods wouldn’t work for Bum.

Bum is frail, not at all strong, so he can’t go the aggressive route. He can be easily overpowered.  Which also contributes to why he tends to put himself in the victim/submissive position. Because his tests are more like “Will you protect me? Will you save me?” And, again, Sangwoo’s tests are more like “Will you leave me? Will you curse me?“ But for both, they are also asking, “Will you be disgusted with me?”

13. Gomenasaaiiii...wait crap how do you say sorry in korean...

Honestly, there’s a reason why I saved this part but I’m too fucking tired to actually write everything down, so let’s just put down: Bum’s apology to the man seems more like a token one, said from moral obligation rather than personal shame, which will make it easier for him to make excuses later. Similar to why he used ‘love’ as the reason for stalking, but like this...is a lot worse lol. 

At the same time, I can’t blame either him nor card!dude because their lives are on the line. Sangwoo can and will kill them if they step out of line. To say that they are bad people just within the context of this moment can be potentially hypocritical when we cannot say with 100% certainty that we wouldn’t let someone die if it means we can live. 

Honestly, I’m just the type to really hate it when someone tries to preach higher morals, like they’re a better person than someone because they “I would’ve chosen differently/I chose differently” without at all understanding /why/ they chose differently from someone. Anyways.

15. *stares tiredly at clock that now says 4:20 in the goddamn morning*

Ahh. Son of a bastard. Absolutely asshole. Fucking...I dunno want else.  Oh wait, fucking piece of shit, there lol. 

Though, I do see a sweat drop there on Sangwoo’s cheek. I haven’t seen it in any other panels but this one, so it does make me wonder why because usually, the sweatdrops are indicative of unease. I remember seeing it when Bum asked to give Sangwoo a blow job. 

It’ll be something I’ll have to come back to after reading the next chapter, because I have a few ideas but I’m not sure which one to settle on. He could be laughing at Bum’s stupidity. Or maybe card!dude thinking that he could actually get out alive from this game. I’m really not sure here.

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 9, Part 1

Ahhhh...poor son of a bitch.

1. Heyyyyy, green tape

Hmmmn, Koogi seems to use green a lot...is that just more common a color for duct tape in Korea? But thing is, her main outfit for Bum is green tones. And he likes froggies, which are green. 

Also, we never do see Sangwoo use this tape with CEO daughter girl (just ropes, a cloth for her mouth, and this weird metal thing to cover her eyes). Or with Bum, for that matter (I only saw it so far used with Koogi’s illustrations, which are a different matter altogether...I might be mistaken, I won’t skip to that part, but Sangwoo might have used it on Bum in the last chapters, which could signify how far his mentality has deteriorated). 

But this guy is different. Sangwoo has no emotional attachment to him.  The duct tape could be, in a way, signifying how worthless this person is to Sangwoo. That he’s nothing more than a box full of unsavory memories he would rather tape shut forever and throw away to rot.

2. Ooohp. Bastard’s bringing out his iconic apron

Sangwoo the butcher.

But this is something new that we haven’t seen before. Again, Sangwoo has never once wore this with Bum. So that means Sangwoo truly has no intentions of going easy on this guy. Blood is going to be pretty much spurting every-the-fuck-where. 

So even though Sangwoo doesn’t consciously plan to kill someone, he has his habits and ideas down to a pat so that once he does get into that territory, he can more or less get right down to it. Sangwoo seems to do what he can to ‘separate’ himself from his atrocious acts, but also fulfilling an ‘aesthetic’ that fits with the atrocity he has become. 

Like, that apron.  Too risky to wear regular clothes, so apron is the next best thing and can act as a barrier of some sort once the blood goes flying. It’ll reduce how much splatters onto his skin and how much of his body he has to actually clean. It’s also just keep things less gross and more sanitary that way lol.

3. I am the type to find this funny and really be amused by Sangwoo’s smartass-ness

I suck at being a smartass and I can’t do it, so I really appreciate it whenever someone else can, even if it’s mean lol. But if it’s mean, it’s a guilty pleasure for me, like right now. x’D

4. Honestly, Sangwoo, how did you get yourself into this situation...

Oh!  So he was able to get out of the blow job. Nice. The guy was actually respectful. If Sangwoo were sane, he’d understand this and just run away instead of luring this guy in to kill him. 

But, really, why did Sangwoo put himself into this position?  I don’t have anything foolproof as evidence, but I really don’t think Sangwoo is the type who actually needs to kill at specific intervals as an outlet.

If anything, Sangwoo has a more...instinctual response to sexual situations, like Bum. For Bum, he becomes hyper-aroused and zeroes in on the pleasure to a point that it overrides his more logical line of thinking. The “he’s a killer I should be scared” becomes “it feels so good and nothing else can exist but this pleasure”.

For Sangwoo, he has two modes. The first one is passive, where he’s just following his partner’s whims and saying that he’s enjoying things but he’s actually just powerless to resist. It’s his instinctual reaction after being forced to just...take his mom’s advances. He feels empty, like a doll that is just meant to be used and taken for pleasure. It’s no better than being a corpse that is fulfilling another’s necrophilic tendencies.

The second mode, I believe, came to be as a self-defense mechanism to the first mode. In order to avoid ever feeling like that, he is in control of everything. He has complete dominance over his partner. In a way, the extreme violence is the only way he can genuinely feel pleasure because he’s ‘safe’. He can literally go one way or the other, his trauma has made it impossible for him to have any other mode than ‘docile’ or ‘predator’. 

5. Well, even without the possibility of murdering someone, Sangwoo choosing an alias is no surprise

He did go into a gay bar, lol.

I also find it interesting that this is where we get a look into Bum’s thoughts. And it’s regarding Sangwoo’s alias. 

Also, now I am wondering if Sangwoo ever resorted to using aliases with his other prey. Because if he had, then this does add a whole other layer of premeditation to his serial killing. Even if he’s not purposefully scouting for prey, it would at least mean he’s always prepared in the event that he comes across prey. 

That is what makes Jieun such an outlier and also Sangwoo’s downfall in terms of getting caught. Jieun knows Sangwoo personally. There is a connection between them. And her disappearance could easily be traced back to him. Sangwoo isn’t an idiot. He knows how to pick and choose his prey and he probably makes sure to never make it so that the prey can call him by name. 

That is also what makes Bum such an interesting outlier. Because Sangwoo is risking A LOT just to keep him--someone who knows Sangwoo’s real name and actually has witnessed his personal life, both in the outside world and behind closed doors. Sangwoo chose him over the girl. Sangwoo broke his legs, not only to keep Bum from escaping, but to keep Bum with him. 

This does suggest that Sangwoo is not serial killing for the thrill of it (at least, not just for that), but because he’s in search for something that could replace the kills. Sangwoo doesn’t want a pile of dead bodies under his feet--he wants one alive body to stay by his side and love him, in spite of those dead bodies. 

6. ....cute motherfucker

Koogi, I resent you so much for making him this cute...

Honestly though, it just strikes me how Sangwoo keeps trying to keep on a carefree and happy facade even during times like these. We do later see him doing that as a habit as a child, so it fits that he does that on steroids during his adult years, especially considering the things he does. I’ll refer back to this when we get to Jieun’s death scene.

7. Shows of weakness

Ah damn I’m going to have to revisit this part. I have a lot of thoughts on it, but I’m too sleep deprived to actually make sense of it. But this part is important in understanding Sangwoo’s mentality and the ways he tries to train Bum to fit a certain image.

Aaaaaand today is a new day!!  So going forth:

During the times Bum showed fear and was trembling, I do think a major part of why Sangwoo hates it so much is because it reminds him of how much of a monster he is. But I also think it’s because it reminds him of his mom, which he does say about Bum’s trembling. Because no matter what happened to his mom, she never learned her lesson. If she were able to change, then Sangwoo’s childhood would be less painful. 

But Bum being quiet and looking scared, but still able to meet Sangwoo’s eyes...that reminds Sangwoo of what he was while with his parents. And even though Sangwoo does hate himself--to a point where he doesn’t want to change because he has no belief he can be better--I do think he’s grieving for that child who had no clue that things will just get worse and worse from there. 

Especially since, from what I’m assuming, he knew how to manipulate his image so that he could avoid being beaten and locked up like his mother. So he would hold more respect towards his conditioned response versus his mother’s conditioned response. He probably refused to admit to himself how he felt back then, because obviously that’s a cruel thought to have and Sangwoo’s level of empathy was still average to high at the time. But it still doesn’t erase his resentment towards her inability to be better (I think this also contributed to why Sangwoo presumably felt ‘free’ after his first kill).

I think I’ll have a better grasp over my thoughts once we get to Jieun’s death >_< 

8. *opens mouth, then silently closes it*

That first sentence probably is not meant to sound the way Sangwoo makes it sound. xD  Which is a bit too gay for someone who firmly claims he is wholly hetero.

Oh actually this is funny. Since the only other person in the basement is a guy, the card dude probably thinks Sangwoo really is gay or internalized-antigay or something. But the truth is a lot more complex and sinister than what it appears to be on the surface.

9. Ooooooh, high stakes indeed

Lol, this does drive home the idea to me that Sangwoo is really pissed at Bum. Because, again, he would’ve never went to that gay bar had it not been for Bum. So, in a way, even though Sangwoo internally knows Bum isn’t the one going out in a body bag, this instillation of fear is a punishment for making him question his sexuality in a way that triggered Sangwoo’s trauma. Because there is literally no safe way for Sangwoo to explore his sexuality considering his past and his current lifestyle.

On the other end of the spectrum, I wonder how Bum is feeling about this. He probably genuinely believes that Sangwoo is genuinely putting Bum’s life on the line, in a way that if he fails the card game, he’ll die. Like. I definitely would. No matter what past form of affection Sangwoo showed, if he says he’ll kill me, I would full-heartedly be like “Yeah. Yeah, I don’t doubt you, hun.”

And, still, Bum knows better now than to complain or beg. Because unlike his mother, despite his own mental issues, Bum can be trained and that is why Sangwoo keeps him around.

10. Where do you come up with these things, you bastard

I mean, seriously, he has so many ideas on how to break a person. These are more psychopathic than sociopathic tendencies, I think, so that’s why Sangwoo right now, is a high-functioning sociopath.

11. Oh my fkkn god tho, this smart boi XD

Or maybe I’m just dumb and have no clue how to play cards. 

Or maybe Sangwoo has been spending time with Bum playing cards.

Or maybe Bum is just good at cards and has spent his time practicing them.

Either way, the fact that Bum is able to fkkn pay attention during these times shows that his own trauma and mental issues have no bearing on how smart he actually is. He doesn’t have strong observation skills and is slow to understand people, but that’s more of a natural character trait, even if it is more emphasized by his mental disorders...mmmn, I do kinda wonder if Bum could have some traits shared with autism but I’m too neruotypical and untrained to say whether or not he does.

12. No seriously, we have creative Sangwoo here with this card game from hell...

...Then we have Bum here able to pull out logical conclusions like his mind is clear despite the immense anxiety and pressure of the situation. There’s a reason why Bum is still alive. For some reason, the longer Bum is stuck in his situation, the more 

13. Seriously, I could stab him in the eye for being so cute despite being revolting, it’s not RIGHT KOOGI

Stab stab stab stab

14. It probably doesn’t mean much, but I still can’t help but point out how Sangwoo is making sure to be close to Card!dude and facing Bum

This would be the most logical choice since it will ensure his victim doesn’t try to escape. And even if he does, he can quickly do shit like pulling back his hair if he tries to be ‘bratty’. Also, being behind someone like this is meant to represent a menacing appearance and being the ‘controller’ behind the scenes. Sangwoo has the upperhand since card!dude can’t see him and Sangwoo can do whatever he wants to the guy. 

But this also puts Sangwoo and Bum on more equal ground. Sort of like “partners in crime” because they can face each other and communicate via body language. In a way, Sangwoo can help Bum or make Bum do things, influencing his next move. While, at the same time, keeping a literal eye on Bum but without the upperhand he has on card!dude--because Bum can also keep an eye out on him. 

15. I’d probably laugh if I were Sangwoo too lol

I bet you Sangwoo didn’t expect Bum to actually get the goddamn ace. The fact that Bum is this fkkn lucky is indicative of how Bum is lucky enough to even be alive at this point. Bum has been able to avoid his ‘fate of death’ over and over again that, honestly, the sheer disbelief of it is ridiculous. But it’s also like Sangwoo is saying ‘Of course you’d get the goddamn ace. Of course you would, you little shit, why am I even still surprised by you at this point’.

In a way, Sangwoo might also be thinking that ‘Huh, it’s like I meant to mess with the cards so that’d they be in your favor.’ But of course, he can’t have that because Bum being ‘too’ happy about things means he won’t be able to control Bum. So, for Bum’s case, he’s doing a second round to train Bum further, rather than to fuck with him before he kills him (like what he’s doing with card!dude).

Other than that, this is also indicative of just how well Bum is dealing with the anxiety of this moment. Card!dude might have done better (though he can’t have that much control over the cards) under normal circumstances, but between the both of them, Bum is actually calm enough to think things through. It says a lot about his capabilities lol. It makes me wonder what kind of person he could’ve been had he been raised well.

ALSO, AGAIN WITH YOU BEING CUTE SANGWOO. NO. ESPECIALLY NOT UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES YOU ASSHOLE. STOP IT.

16. Lol, even though this is a throwaway line, I think this is indicative of who Sangwoo has already chosen

This is really like a “come on, partner in crime, get up to my level here and let’s fuck with this fucker together”. But the thing is, Bum is just as much a victim as this guy. There is literally no way for Bum to think any other way but Sangwoo fucking with both of them, not just card!dude. 

Because the thing is, if Bum forgot himself and reacted the same way as card!dude, Sangwoo would kill him, along with card!dude.

But yeah, it does make me think of how Sangwoo would’ve reacted if card!dude actually won. How would his script go? Would he still do a practice round? Or would that have been enough for Sangwoo, and he would’ve skipped to the next part of his plan?

I don’t think this second round was something Sangwoo expected. And that really drove home to him how Bum keeps surpassing his expectations again and again. 

17. *wince* Oohp.

The trembling and slight protest. Definitely not what Sangwoo wants to see. I can’t blame Bum for responding like this, BECAUSE A FKKN SERIAL KILLER IS PRETTY MUCH TRYING TO SCREW HIM OVER, but at the same time, he should know better than to respond this way. 

I also do think, other than the threat to his life, Bum is perceiving this as Sangwoo ‘choosing’ card!dude over Bum. It’s like a rejection and that probably hits Bum’s rejection sensitivity. If it was just a threat to his life, Bum would probably be able to still stay silent at this point (uh, most likely not because again, life is on the line, but still maybe). However, there’s also this sense that Sangwoo doesn’t actually want him to live--that the card game is just an excuse to kill Bum.

18.  think it says a lot that Sangwoo still responds to Bum’s protest via ‘patting’ him on the head rather than pulling on his hair. 

If card!dude was more intuitive, then he probably would’ve noticed that something was off in the way Sangwoo was treating Bum. More leniently. Because any small variation in treatment is not a promising outlook for card!dude.

But the thing is--now that I know how the ending is--Sangwoo is just doing this as a way to fuck with the other dude.  Actually he was probably proud of Bum winning so that he could further fuck with card!dude and make him taste the bitterness of false hope. Sort of like a “heh, you did better than I thought you would”. 

Sangwoo does want him to live because this card game is not about ‘who’ to choose. Sangwoo has already chosen Bum. This is just a matter of how much satisfaction Sangwoo can get against his revenge on the other guy.

Though, Bum is genuinely worried because why would he think that lol. There is also this thing where Sangwoo chose to kill a pretty girl and keep him, a skinny male loser, alive. So from his stand point, Sangwoo’s choices are difficult to pinpoint. Bum also won’t see himself as more ‘attractive’ than card!dude, so he most likely was scared that Sangwoo’s choices has changed once again and he would be thrown away like CEO daughter.

19. Hmmmn...

Now that card!dude has been given a second chance and can see Sangwoo’s willingness as a show of ‘favorability’, he has more control over his anxiety (which I do think is different from Bum, who has this sort of ‘on-off’ button for his anxiety, versus card!dude who seems to have more of a ‘reduction-enlargement’ slider). He probably feels more confident. 

And this is probably exactly what Sangwoo wanted, because then that will make the fall so much sweeter, the look of horror that much more gratifying.

20. Really, and there were people who wanted Sangwoo and Bum to have a happily ever after

The psychological warfare Sangwoo is putting onto Bum is so brutal that it’s really difficult to keep reading. Again, Koogi making it so that Sangwoo got better, then got worse when he realized he couldn’t handle what it means to ‘improve’, and then die...it made me respect this work so much, because nothing about this is romanticized.  And furthermore, Bum didn’t die, but at the same time, he was scars that will never be able to heal. His mentality was worse in the end than it was in the beginning, which is a goddamn feat because there wasn’t much left for him to fall.

Another alternative that I saw float around was Bum and Sangwoo dying together and...no. No no no. That’s too romanticized as well. And Bum being left alive while Sangwoo dies has this very...god I don’t even know how to explain. It’s not a happy ending. For me, there’s no vindication for it because I got to see just how deeply Sangwoo was suffering, which made it impossible for me to enjoy his death despite every incredibly shitty thing he has done. It was literally just...a masterpiece. One that showed just how, really, there are places on earth that truly have no hope and the suffering only ends with death. 

I usually never like nihilistic stories like these. Like seriously, there’s a reason why I avoided Killing Stalking like the plague. But after so many stories where things have a happy ending just because they MUST, it doesn’t only get tiring, but destructive for me. 

And Killing Stalking is special to me because instead of showing that everything was hopeless in the beginning just BECAUSE life is hopeless, period...it shows that things could’ve gone differently because Sangwoo and Bum were never truly without hope in the beginning. Sangwoo wasn’t a classic serial killer. Bum just needed better guidance. They just needed to be given a goddamn chance, like so many people in the world in general.

Instead of outright nihilism, it’s more in line with existentialism and that things reach the point of no return if nothing is changed. Or that if there are changes, it’s the type of change that makes things worse and doesn’t allow for healing.

Anyways, I don’t quite have all my thoughts on this together, so this is something I have to revisit once I’m done reading KS.

[ksbwnotes]

Actually I like the layout of this lol. Bum on the left, Sangwoo on the right, Bum + Sangwoo in the middle with them on their respective solo sides--it’s like the two coming together in the middle (this sounds romantic and, yes I ship these two, but definitely not in the manhwa lol).

Then at the bottom, we have the iconic illustration of them, with picture!Bum looking downwards as if he’s smiling down at the image.  And what cracks me up is the frog Bum is holding downwards, head cut off and instead is replaced with Bum’s head lol. Because Bum is the frog boiling in Sangwoo’s pot.

I wish I could buy official merch of KS but the only thing I’ve seen--other than deco stickers--are the paperback volumes. Aaaand I live with my parents. So absolutely not lol. I wonder if their dicks are still light sabers in the printed vers? xD

Since I am here genuinely contemplating buying KS volumes, I will never again criticize my brother for buying Beserk volumes lol. 

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 8, Part 3

*leaning back in chair from exhaustion* my brain needs to learn how to shut up sometimes.

1. *tilts head to the side* Hmn.

Not that Sangwoo is intentionally lying here, I think he genuinely feels this is the best answer he can come up with. Because it’s better to covet nothing and be given nothing, then covet something only to be given nothing. 

There was this Thor thing before, with his sister Angela, belonging to a race of angels (and i loooooove their rendition of angels because anything that subverts the original, purer narrative is my jam and butter): “Nothing for nothing.”  The Angels in that comic will only do things if they are given payment in exchange for doing so. Odin is considered “The King of Nothing” because he once expected them to do the right thing (saving humans, I think?) just for the sake of it, rather than for material gain. This was an insult to the Angels, pretty much equating this to Odin seeing them as worthless. Thus, if you give nothing, you get nothing.

Sangwoo grew up having to deal with “Nothing for something”. As in, he puts his mom as priority and, in exchange, his mom abuses him.  He behaves himself as much as he can, and in the end, his dad abuses him. He emulates an upstanding citizen to others and, because of that, they love him only for the mask he puts on, deterred from him the moment there is a crack--and this was something that went on looong before he became a sociopath. He is expected to give and give, but get nothing in return.

So now, Sangwoo’s actions are pretty much begging “Something for nothing”.  He wants to be given love and respect even though he knows that he has done nothing to deserve it. Because this hurts less. At least, here, it’s more of a self-fulfilling prophecy rather than the world kicking him while he’s down just because it wants to. At least, this way, Sangwoo can kick back and fool himself into thinking that every kick doesn’t destroy more and more pieces of himself.

2. Extension of prior panel and theory

Right now, Bum is the only one who has given him “something”. Even if it ends up being “nothing”, there is “something” to accompany that oblivion. This, in a way, is a reflection of the Lima syndrome Sangwoo is experiencing while Bum is experiencing Stockholm at the same time (though, he experienced the beginnings of it much earlier than Sangwoo). 

For Bum, Sangwoo will treat him kindly, but then do shit like...throw him against a car. Threaten to cut him up. Hang him by a pulley. All that jazz. But then, later on, Sangwoo will treat him nicely again and intersperse the abuse with little rewards he dangles in front of Bum like a master training their dog with snacks. 

For Sangwoo, Bum will give him a sense of humanity that Sangwoo probably hasn’t felt in...like 4 years. But obviously, Bum won’t be able to commit to this because Sangwoo is his abuser, so the times Bum treats him lovingly is an extension of his response to Sangwoo’s abuse. Like a frog that will end up staying in the boiling pot that will then be cooked alive then given as sustenance to its slaughterer. 

Sangwoo doesn’t know how healthy relationships work, that it’s not “nothing for nothing” or any of it’s variations, but actually “something for something”. All relationships are meant to be an equal give and take, but that requires work and being able to work through pain in a positive way, instead of falling straight into despair. 

So, Sangwoo is trapping both himself and Bum in a cyclical relationship where Bum gives him “something for nothing” and Sangwoo is now in the position of power that his parents put him in--the “nothing for something” position. Eventually though, we’ll see Sangwoo gradually try to give Bum “something” for his efforts, only to realize just how empty he is afterwards. That giving Bum “something” back only makes him feel like he’s still “nothing”. 

3. Wait, how did he kill CEO Daughter girl...

I looked back and saw the blood on her forehead, so maybe he used the sledgehammer that he hit Bum’s leg with to hit her on the temple or something. Because we don’t see a cut beneath her chin or something. So, again, the ones he loses attachment for just die, but people like Bum...they receive a lot more cuts and bruises I think. More evidence of how much he is trying to make them hate him, proving to him that they were lying when they said they loved him. 

4. Seeing it this way...

...I think this is more proof of how much Bum has proved the impossible. He has lived so much longer than what should be expected for any of his prey. Again, Sangwoo does not consciously go in planning to kill his victims, but his subconscious is preparing him for it and he knows the drill. It may not be planned, but Sangwoo still expects it. So the fact that Bum is still alive goes against all of Sangwoo’s expectations.

Subconsciously, now, he goes in preparing to keep Bum alive. That cut underneath the chin was probably how Sangwoo killed past victims, the ones who got the closest before Bum arrived. That is probably how he ended them. He slit deep into their throat before they could tighten their grip around his neck.

But Bum has surpassed them, so Sangwoo is giving Bum that scar as a warning to stop what he’s doing so that he doesn’t feel the need to kill Bum. 

Because, now, he’s scared of the regret that will follow once he kills Bum. He’s more scared of the consequence of losing Bum than the consequence of letting Bum further into his life (because, right now, Sangwoo has hope for the future with Bum in it).

5. Ooooh I love the comparison of everyday life and food to Sangwoo’s slicing and dicing of Bum

This shows just how much Sangwoo’s alive can no longer be normal. 

Like...he can look at that sliced meat and imagine all the bodies he has sliced open. How are you supposed to continue with daily life after having experienced what he has? Then, furthermore, after doing what he has? 

It drives further home to Sangwoo that he is ostracized from humanity as a whole. That no one in this planet can accept him (actually, there’ll be plenty of people who can, but the thing is, that’s not the kind of acceptance Sangwoo wants, or else Bum would’ve been enough for him/he would’ve had a much easier time of finding a fellow sociopath--I do think Sangwoo being a sociopath, not a psychopath, something to do with it, since he’s using killing as a coping mechanism rather than a response/release).

That, in the end, he is only furthering how he will end up dying alone and dying painfully.

6. Heyyyy, Jieun, that you??

Lol, if that is, then I love how Bum in the next panel drives home their every closer intertwining fates and that she is soon to be dead.

Also, where...is Sangwoo bringing her??  Even with how obedient Bum is, I don’t think Sangwoo would risk bringing her to his house unless she’s going to the basement with Bum...which, again, I don’t think he’d do lol. So...love hotel???

Whether or not that is Jieun, I think this also serves as a representation of Sangwoo questioning his sexuality because he is now genuinely thinking of being with Bum. And Bum is a guy, so does that mean he’s gAyyY?

Also one thing to point out, which probably doesn’t mean anything but still miiiight...here we see Jieun’s blissed out face, which is similar to Sangwoo’s o-face in earlier panels. However, Sangwoo’s face is obscured and we don’t see anything. This could suggest that he doesn’t actually feel that great doing Jieun, showing how he’s unable to have normal sexual relations due to...yeah. 

7. AND NOW, SANGWOO IS AT A FUCKING GAY BAR *WHEEZE*

Ahhh, Bum. The things you somehow make Sangwoo end up doing. It’s applaud worthy, now that I think about it. Sangwoo obviously, from the beginning of this, wasn’t completely straight. But he’s also not gay either. I personally think, with sexuality being a spectrum rather than a conglomeration of separate categories, being with a guy shouldn’t automatically make something homosexual. If anything, Sangwoo is on the bi or demi spectrum, but he’s feminine-inclined.

But the fact that Sangwoo wants to actually see whether or not he’s gay. x’D  Because, if that’s the case, then that means he can widen his prey circle beyond women and see if he can find someone who can accept him amongst the male population as well. 

So, I think this experience will show Sangwoo that Bum is...special. Like. To a point that it’s ridiculous for him because it’s like his sexuality is this vague hetero-excluding-Bum-sexual. Which will drive home even more for Sangwoo that, for as long as he still thinks a normal life is possible, he needs Bum to stay with him.

8. ....But...why this guy???

Of all the people for you to choose, Sangwoo, what happened. xD You could literally pick up ANYONE ELSE--look at that slender blue-haired guy in the last panel--and this is the one you end up going for????  

No, seriously, what. What even. 

Oh wait. Criteria. Criteria. Right. Sangwoo has to be careful about who he chooses. If he chooses a worker there and they end up dead, then that can lead back to Sangwoo way too easily. 

He doesn’t go in planning to kill the one he hooks up with, but obviously, he has to prepare for that just in case. Because he knows that they could trigger him at any point in time, so no matter what, his prey has to fit a very very narrow criteria. 

Which makes me think of that CEO daughter girl. I don’t think she can be someone whose father lives there in Korea. The daughter probably just decided to go their as a tourist and Sangwoo picked her up in a bar or club or some other tourist hot spot. That will make things very difficult to find him because it will take a while for her to be realized that she’s missing and by that time, it’ll be too late to track things back to him.  This shows how much he pays attention to his surroundings at any given time, because Sangwoo probably thinks of every little detail to make sure that, even if police do go to that area, he made sure little to no attention would be called to him. 

So this actually don’t really help much in convincing Sangwoo to explore his sexuality lol. Gay people have preferences too, they’re not just gonna go after any gay person. And he already has this oral trauma, so. Even less points to being gay lol. 

Anyways, I can barely think at this point, I should just end it here...

9. ALMOOOOST. DOOOONE.

Lol I have a feeling that Sangwoo is pissed at Bum because if it wasn’t for Bum, Sangwoo would’ve never gone to that gay bar and experienced the disgusting feeling of blowing another man. 

Because, actually, Sangwoo might have done it. Just so he can convince that guy to go home with him so that he can kill that guy. Which...would just make Sangwoo even all the more pissy. xD

Actually, one thing to note...I think Sungbae later goes to that same gay bar??  To get information or something??  And one of the workers actually gives vague information that point Sangwoo having been there and doing something. Which would be unusually sloppy of Sangwoo. And that’s only because Sangwoo was there due to Bum’s influence--in an entirely new situation that he was uncomfortable with and unable to properly exercise his usual precautions. 

This is a distant call to how, later on, Sangwoo makes more and more mistakes, sloppier than the last, because of how desperately he tries to integrate Bum into his life. 

[ksbwnotes]

It's not Adam and Eve, it's Bum and Sangwoo and guess who made who eat the goddamn apple.

[ksbwnotes]

Sangstop still looks like a regrettably hot asshole and Bumi's cuteness over there is even more pronounced lol (like...it makes you want to protect and tease him at the same time)

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 8, Part 2

*groans in hands* I have to finish reading everything by September 14. I have no clue if I have the drive for this, but fuck me for having more determination to read this than any of my nursing books...

1. ...So it...wasn’t because...he was killing his prey???

Oh my god I hate that smirk on your face Sangstop.

But...now that does make me wonder if this is true and to what extent it’s true. Bum has been picturing Sangwoo slicing into women while he was downstairs and we also see Sangwoo’s hands often damp. So honestly, installing that pulley can’t be the only things he does there.  

Actually now that I think about it, the dampness is more from having to clean the basement and making sure there’s no residue from the woman that he killed. He’s very thorough. 

But...that pulley. Maybe he really did install that just in case?  He’s starting to use methods he has never did before. Because he has an outlier in his life now that he never expected. So he needs different types of punishments whenever Bum steps out of line, things that won’t break Bum completely like blades and sledgehammers will. If he’s going to keep Bum by his side and properly train him, then he can’t keep using the same methods he uses to kill his victims. 

Because, ultimately, he doesn’t want to kill Bum. (later on, when he does decide he’ll kill Bum, we see him reach a new level of destruction that he wasn’t capable of earlier. He had to break more in order to reach that point. So, losing Bum made Sangwoo lose whatever little hope he had and, metaphorically, killing Bum means Sangwoo is killing whatever hope he had)

2. *wince* yep

God your reactions are delayed, but...yeah. 

Sangwoo’s first reaction was to treat Bum favorably with a little kiss. To show that, yes, that’s one of the correct actions Bum could’ve taken--one of the ways to change his mind. But 1) Bum still came onto him sexually. Sex seems more of a trigger for Sangwoo (honestly, I think 99% of the women Sangwoo has slept with have died lol). 2) If Sangwoo let Bum have his way, then Bum will have the upperhand and he can’t have that. This is about making sure Bum knows what he did wrong and that he won’t do it again. 

So even if a part of him does like what Bum did, it’s not something he can overall accept. 

Oh one thing about his delayed reactions...it might be another coping mechanism of his?  As a way to build up resistance to what he’s about to do. Whenever he does something impulsively, you see him lose it. But when he takes the time to do things, his expression is more dead-eyed than wild-eyed. 

3. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

But i still can’t help but laugh lsjg;ijeog

Also, Bum, please...just...connect the dots faster please...but one notable thing about his character is that he doesn’t. While Sangwoo experiences delays in understanding, Bum disconnects entirely from the reality. Koogi keeps this trait of his goddang consistent.

4. Wait what the fuck

This is...worse than cutting???  You can literally snap someone’s neck with the force of pulling them up straight from the ground. How is this supposed to be a better option??  Also, lets be real, Bum’s trachea would’ve been done in by the force of this. Honestly, I’m surprised Bum’s jaw is fine. Fkk, what about the SPINE, HUH SANGWOO!!??!?!? The fact that Bum’s still able to even speak afterwards and does not have burn marks from the rope is...is whyyyyy this is a piece of fiction, Aetas, not real life sjgo;erjg.

Anyways, okay, so Koogi must have chosen this as Sangwoo’s alternative for a reason and I do think Sangwoo believes this is genuinely a better option. Even though, just speaking from personal experience dealing with patients, they always respond more dramatically to airway closure than blood loss. 

If I think about my earlier idea, he uses violence not really as a sexual outlet (though, probably at this point, he doesn’t know how to get off without--at the very least--being rough and treating his partner as an object), but as a way to hurt people in the way he has perceived them hurting him. The bonus is giving them bruises and scars that he can see--visible marks for the invisible pain they’ve given him. It’s...validating for him, maybe?

So, this way, Bum is still suffering and being punished for making Sangwoo ‘suffer’, but won’t have visible marks. In this way, this is less validating for Sangwoo because there’s no “proof” of pain, so Sangwoo perceives it as less painful. Because he’s a fucking asshole and that’s putting it too kindly (lol Sangwoo worsening instead of getting better and dying at the end is literally the only reason why I decided to read this and why I respect Koogi).

Also, from what I see later, Sangwoo knows for how long he can hold Bum there without him dying. So I’m not sure who the hell he is tried this on...says me who literally used fkkn google to research how long it takes for someone to pass out from hanging. Which can range anywhere from 3 seconds to 1.5 minutes. So. It varies lol. 

Ohhhh also this is much faster than cutting Bum open. That probably could’ve taken half an hour to even more than that if Sangwoo went that route. But with hanging, Sangwoo knows it can only go for so long, which is why he doesn’t go for more than one session of this. Bum can suffer for either 30 seconds via a very acute session of asphyxiation or he can suffer for thirty minutes or more via cutting. 

Ohhh this is actually very smart of Sangwoo. I can see now why he chose this. He understands that hanging is much scarier and will make the victim really feel like they’re gonna die. So, this explains why Sangwoo decided to set this up for Bum. Because he believes only Bum would be able to prove that, yes, Sangwoo can choose the alternative because he won’t hurt Sangwoo past the point of no return (in a way, death for the victim means that Sangwoo can no longer forgive them because the pain they gave him is just as bad as death). 

5. I don’t have anything to back this up, I really don’t, BUT--

Even though Sangwoo is smiling like an insane freak, it...kind of seems like he’s emulating all the hollywood serial killers we’ve seen on TV. People who are doing this smile like they’re truly enjoying life and blah blah blah. Honestly, Koogi probably means Sangwoo to be like this, like the classic serial killer that gets off other people’s pain.

But for me, it’s like Sangwoo is acting a part. Again, the eyeless thing. Sangwoo is taking on a persona--rather than truly allowing his brain to be present, to think about the situation for himself--that is meant to enjoy this just for the sake of it. 

I also don’t think Sangwoo ever goes into these things planning to kill his victims right then and there. Like, right now, I don’t think he’s planning to actually hang Bum to his death. I can assume Sangwoo has done enough research to know when to stop so that they don’t actually die (but again, it will depend on how his victim responds to the hanging). 

Because Sangwoo keeps giving Bum (and all his other victims) a chance. He probably gave CEO girl a chance right before deciding to kill her because, unlike Bum, she kept screaming and begging for her life. That is why Bum won. Because he proved worthy of a ‘second chance’.

And back to not wanting to actually kill them, that’s because killing them means he’s alone again. I honestly think he’s only doing this to people he has genuinely felt attached to in some way. He wants them to save him. To say, no, he’s not a monster, that he’s still worthy of being loved, that the way his mother loved him is not the type of love he deserves.  

If they’re unable to save him, then that means they’ll only destroy him. And, so, he must get rid of them first before that happens.

6. Seriously no hands why the fuck and what the fuck Sangwoo

Okay, this is gonna be a loooooong one.

And this ties in with my idea about how Sangwoo never actually goes in with the conscious plan to kill his victims (this is very similar to how Bum goes in thinking of one thing, but his actions end up suggesting something entirely different). 

It’s like he ends up killing them as a reaction to what they did

Similar to someone shooting a home invader dead and having it be self-defense

Also, this acts as a mitigating technique to avoid any guilt he feels

I think this also ties in to why Sangwoo doesn’t ‘plan’ things too deeply and just takes things step by step

Because the more he thinks about what he’s doing, the less he’s able to see himself as a human. 

In a way, Sangwoo’s guilt and shame is driving him to do things that just worsen his guilt and shame. 

Because he knows he can never be forgiven

He can never forgive himself 

The reason why he wants someone to magically save him is because ‘helping him’ is a two way street

A hand may reach out to him, but he has to be the one to take hold of it--and it won’t end there

He has to trust the hand to keep a hold on him, no matter what happens--and he has to put in continuous effort to keep holding on as well. 

He cannot trust someone to not only help him, but keep helping him and, more than that, he cannot trust himself. 

He has no hope in the world around him and has no hope for himself, so in a way, the constant killing is a self-preservation act as well

Since, subconsciously, he knows that he cannot live a normal life because of everything that has happened--

--and the world keeps going on in their own bubble despite his pain--

--He has to do something to keep that from crushing him. 

So, instead of killing himself, he’ll continue killing others because it’s what he’s familiar with anyways. And in survival, familiarity is necessary--a form of homeostasis--because that is when protection is possible.

And actually, back to that wanting a savior part. 

Sangwoo has never once been truly protected

He has never felt a sense of security as a child

So, to protect himself, he has made himself impenetrable--stronger and always making sure he has the upperhand 

Anyone who threatens him in any way should be dealt with swiftly so that they never take away his sense of security

So, wanting a savior seems totally opposite of what he should want, but everything he’s done to strengthen himself is in response to never having someone protect him

He wants to be protected for once

He wants someone he can rely on to guide him every step of the way, to be there for him when he’s weak and be his strength

It is something he has been looking for in every one of his victims and Bum is the closest that he can get to fulfilling it

Unfortunately, a savior is exactly what Bum is not. 

And a savior is exactly what Sangwoo does not fkkn need to get better, if he even can at this point.

There are no such things as saviors, just like there are no such things as protagonists. The moment you put ‘getting better’ as someone else’s responsibility rather than your own, you’ve made it so that you can never get better. 

7. Goddang boy, you really know you have nothing else but the grave waiting for you

Hmmmmn...actually, this is...huh. Oh. Okay. Okay. Uhm. So. 

Remember when I said that Sangwoo doesn’t go into these things planning to kill his victim??  Okay so that’s not wrong...but not right either. 

I thought that Bum did the whole hanging this solely as an alternative punishment, which I still think has merit, but now I’m like...okay so, Sangwoo does every little thing he can to make it so that no one can love him. He tries to make it fkkn impossible, which he succeeds at. 

He knows that hanging will bring out more dramatic effects from a person. And Bum has this thing where he can say one thing, but then completely do a 180 from it. And asphyxiation can really force someone to be more...open about their thoughts lol. It’s the lack of blood to the brain, so the brain will have less barriers to keep their filter in check. 

I don’t think he made the pulley as an alternative or lesser punishment, but as a “finality”. He gets that Bum is crossing into ‘unforgivable’ territory, but at the same time, is at the ‘I can still save you’ precipice, which is a hope that is more destructive to Sangwoo. Having that hope then it being torn down will be the last act that destroys his sanity (which is exactly what we see at the end of the comic). 

Because, in a way, he’s still controlling himself in his killings. He’s not just killing anyone, he’s specifically choosing his victims, which reduces the amount of people he kills. If he has to keep on killing, his conscience will make it so that he won’t just start going on random killing sprees and making the body count explode. That is the last tether he has to his sanity.

So, before that tether snaps--by way of having his hope destroyed completely by people like Bum--he’ll put an end to it before it gets any further. This hanging thing was meant to bring out the ‘truth’ from Bum. It was meant to break down all the barriers and finally show his true colors. Which is when Sangwoo can kill Bum via hanging. This will be very different from what he has done before, but Bum was different as well. So him breaking from his habits is his way of applauding Bum. 

 8. Sangwoo’s Doki Doki moment lol

I like how Koogi put those black lines in there as a form of a ‘blush’, but not actually a blush because nothing about this moment is romantic lol. And that ‘thump’ is a facsimile of a person’s heart beating when falling in love.

I honestly think this is the moment where Sangwoo falls in Lima Syndrome. 

Sangwoo is expecting Bum to react in a way that will finally let Sangwoo kill Bum once and for all. Screaming ‘motherfucker’ again. Curse him and say he will die a painful death, like his mother. Beg ‘please’ and for help, like CEO daughter. Anything but Bum still calling Sangwoo’s name, like he’s still a human instead of a monster. 

Just like my first instinct to be like “fucker this is way worse than cutting someone” and reminded me of why Sangwoo should die, Sangwoo knows that what he’s doing to Bum warrants Bum treating him like a monster. But from Sangwoo’s point of view, that isn’t what Bum is doing.

9. Lol, Sangwoo, stop fucking romanticizing this oh my god

KOOGI. STOP OH MY GOD. NO. YOU’RE KILLING ME. SANGWOO’S EXPRESSION. NO. DON’T. I WANT TO STRANGLE MY HEART FOR MAKING ME FEEL FOR THIS FUCKER.

But seriously. This expression. It’s like Sangwoo’s prayers are actually being answered and he can’t believe it. It’s like he’s looking at God reaching out to save him from all the demons threatening to pull him down into hell. There’s this heartbreaking sense for hope and Sangwoo is so scared that it will fall through his fingertips and shatter on the ground at his feet. 

But it is worthy to note that Bum calling out to Sangwoo via his name is actually pretty normal. I think it’s more common for children calling out for their parent to stop, because the person who is hurt them is more often then not the only person who can help them. And if throwing away your pride to appeal to your abuser is the only way to make this pain stop, then no fucking duh they will. 

Just because Bum is the only one who has done so at this point doesn’t mean Bum is ‘special’. He’s a fkkn human being who has been abused ever since he was a child and is familiar with the other ways of begging for his life. If anything, I think this is more indicative of how specific Sangwoo’s victims are and that he hasn’t actually killed that many people. 

10. Goddang Koogi, so much respect for you

Seriously, the way Sangwoo reacts to this is the same way when he later reacts to Bum saying “I love you” while Sangwoo is raping him. 

So going off of that future incidence, Sangwoo here is being affected by Bum on a personal level. This is the level where, if triggered, the more he’ll want to keep Bum by his side because this is the closest Sangwoo can get to genuinely/healthily loving someone. 

But the thing is, THIS is how he reacts to it. With aggression. And there’s this muscle twitch at the corner of his mouth that even suggests fear. Because that is how Eunsoo conditioned Sangwoo to react to ‘love’. Love is not something to desire, it’s something to repel because it’s a threat to your existence. But, of course, Sangwoo still wants love--he wants to be shown how love was meant to be in the first place. 

And that is why he saves Bum. 

Because Bum is his only--damning, dangerous, terrifying--hope for experiencing that.

(which is exactly why he fucking snaps later when he realizes that Bum cannot give him what he wants and if Bum can’t, no one can, so what’s the point of anything?)

11. O_O Oh...uhm.

I’m...yeah. So I still don’t think Sangwoo is the type that gets sexual gratification from killing and torturing people. Him holding Bum up by his legs so that he’s no longer choking is, I think, evidence of that. 

In a way, this is more from a twisted version of demisexuality. I’m sure Sangwoo got hard the moment Bum started taking off his clothes to crawl over to Sangwoo, which triggered Sangwoo’s danger senses. Because not only love, but he equates sex to something horrifying and disgusting--and the way Sangwoo is grimacing in that last panel does suggest that he’s revolted by his hard-on. It’s just that he can’t help it, because his experiences conditioned him to only finding release via situations that make him feel disgusted. 

Sangwoo didn’t reach peak arousal when Bum was thrashing around the moment he was being hanged. He reached it when Bum was calling out his name, still treating him like a person with a name rather than a monster who deserves to die. He wasn’t turned on by Bum, he was turned on by Bum’s ‘acceptance’ of Sangwoo. Rather than heterosexuality or homosexuality, this is closer to demisexuality because what he wants is someone to love him despite being a monster among humans.

Oh, I want to note that Bum calling out Sangwoo’s name could be likened to calling out Sangwoo’s name during the...throes of passion lol. 

12. Wow you’re really enjoying yourself there, Sangstop

Hmn so again, I do think this is another showcase of demisexuality. 

He doesn’t care that he’s getting off to manly cries, holding onto legs that are more boney skin than shapely meat, and a penis ‘hanging’ (omg i can’t believe i was able to fit a pun in here) above his head there. 

He looks super blissed out here and I don’t think he’d be looking like this with any woman he has fucked. It has probably been a long time since he has even been this aroused by another woman. And the first time in a long time that he has been aroused was by some skinny, creepy loser who’s not just a loser, but a man. 

Because it wasn’t the genitalia that was getting him off. It was Bum’s treatment of Sangwoo. So, in a way, he’s starting to like Bum IN SPITE OF his dick lol. 

13. *blinks* oh I can’t be quite sure

But I think Sangwoo made sure Bum would fall onto the bed rather than the concrete. I don’t think the position of the bed was...right over the pulley...or maybe Sangwoo made sure it would be?  Because he knows that hanging Bum could go either way: kill him or let him fall free. 

14. How...do you think of these things, Sangstop...

I mean, creativity aside (which makes me go down a whole bunch of avenues and I really really just want this to end already), Sangwoo actually uses the words “Before I do something I’ll regret.”

Again, Sangwoo’s Lima Syndrome starts here. Had this been earlier, Sangwoo would’ve done something he wouldn’t have regretted. Actually, had Bum not called out Sangwoo’s name, Sangwoo would not have regretted killing him. He could’ve fooled himself into thinking he was relieved because he got rid of an outlier that threatened his last piece of sanity. That he was free from the danger that was Bum.

But no. At this point, Sangwoo knows that if he does something that ends up killing Bum, he will regret it. The release he had earlier fooled him into thinking that Bum was special and could give him something that no woman would ever be able to give him. If he could ‘train’ Bum more, if Bum can exceed his expectations, than he can probably finally get what he has been searching for in all of his victims. 

And this is why he pushes Bum’s head in the water. Because now it’s no longer /just/ inflicting pain in order teach a lesson--to get revenge. It’s also about training Bum to make Sangwoo feel like he’s human.

15. Hey, I think this is the first time Sangwoo mentions how he has been treating Bum

Before, it’s always like “Bum you liar” or “I can’t believe you made me do this”, but now Sangwoo actually says “I treat you better than I have ever treated anyone else before, and this is how you repay me??”

Now it has become personal. Sangwoo’s feelings are involved because he is now acknowledging that, yes, he is treating Bum in a way that he could’ve never imagined treating anyone. So, now, Bum can actually do things like scratch Sangwoo’s skin and NOT get killed, which is fucking foreign to Sangwoo. 

Because, before, it was all about never letting anyone have the upperhand. The moment someone threatens him, he asserts his dominance to the highest level he possibly can while still being under the guise of “law-abiding citizen”. 

Bum, in effect, has become the only person who can physically wound Sangwoo and still live to tell the tale.

Aaaaaaand because there is more for me to unpack but I’ve reached a point where my brain is mush and I can no longer make sense of what I’m writing down, I’m actually going to end it here and pick it back up tomorrow. 

Oh my fucking god.

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 8, Part 1

Ohhhhh my god, I’ve been dreading this chapter...and I still have yet to skim next chapter because I know it’ll be just as bad as this chapter...(yes, Bum losing his sanity is so much easier to read than Sangwoo and Bum being ‘cute’ together...so so much easier...)

1. The fact that baby boy fkkn calls out to him

...*squints* Bum please. please just. Close the goddamn door and lock it??  Instead of...calling out to Sangwoo and making it worse?  I kinda wonder if Bum is just thinking that, since this will be the last time he’ll see the outside, he’ll try to stay there for as long as possible, even if it means giving Sangwoo a goddamn opening to come inside, lock the door, and beat his ass. 

Actually, now that I look at this again, does...Bum feel guilty???  Seeing Sangwoo there and being reminded of what he was leaving behind--the good and bad--made him want to appeal to Sangwoo at first, because again, he doesn’t want to leave the guy. He just doesn’t want the guy to kill him, and just as how Sangwoo doesn’t trust Bum to stay, Bum doesn’t trust Sangwoo to NOT kill him. Which. Valid. You have only yourself to blame, you crazy ass murderer.

Also, maybe...Bum feels...glad, in a way, that Sangwoo is there. Because in some twisted reasoning, Sangwoo waited for an hour outside because he didn’t want Bum to leave him. So that might also explain another reason why Bum went the sexual route when appealing to Sangwoo. He does--somewhere amongst the mess of his thoughts that he can barely make sense of internally, which contributes to him hallucinating them externally--get that Sangwoo wants...someone to stay with him. To fill that hole that his mother fucking stabbed through his chest. 

Bum can’t really fulfill that emotionally, even if he truly did want to. One, because Sangwoo seriously does his best to set off all survival instincts in Bum. Two, Bum is not healthy enough to love another in a healthy way (which is why he ends up making Sangwoo’s trauma worse as well). So, he does the next best thing: give sexual love.

2. Sangwoo being butthurt over this hurts my head lol

I mean, I get it, how the hell can Sangwoo trust Bum when their relationship started off the way it did. Literally, if he lets his guard down and let Bum even speak wrong in public, he’s fucking screwed. 

So really, it actually does say a lot about how much he wants love from anyone who could give it to him. He is risking a looooot with keeping Bum alive. But Bum is the only one who gives him something other than fear and repulsion, to a point that Sangwoo has a painful, dreadful hope welling up inside him that Bum can love him even despite the monster he has become. 

Which...I’ll get into more once we get to the whole bit where he makes Bum kill Jieun. But that’s why, this moment to Sangwoo is equal to...well, Bum kissing another woman in front of him, maybe. But the thing is, if Bum plays his cards right, he’ll forgive Bum because he has to if he wants to cling onto his last chance to not die alone--which would be equal to dying a painful death.

So, yeah, even though Bum is clearly just as broken as him but in an entirely different way...Bum is his only option. In a way, whenever he’s insulting the women he kills, it’s actually bitter praise for them being saner and untainted by murder. Because, if the truth behind Sangwoo’s father’s murder is Option B, then his descent into sociopathy is more a response into coping with how much he hates himself and what he has done. 

So in a way, whenever he praises Bum, he’s putting Bum on the same level as him and that’s...that’s not a good thing.

Hmn, also, just realized that whenever Sangwoo says “Don’t cross the line”, it’s his fucked up way of saying “Don’t leave me”.

3. Oh no the disappointment

*Flinches* Bitch I’m scared.  Seriously, how the hell can Bum beg to Sangwoo at this point?   Maybe Bum is doing this because he knows, it some way, running away will make things worse for him. He gets, on some level, that Sangwoo is keeping him alive only so that he can stay by Sangwoo’s side. So that he doesn’t have to be alone. 

And if uncle is anything to go by, then men can be taken by his body because it’s fragile and feminine. So he can see why Sangwoo is settling for him. The fact that he’s even alive shows that Bum’s methods are working on Sangwoo (which messed up Bum even more because his methods are all based off him pleading for survival and forces him to do things he truly does not want to do).

If he’s going to survive at all--and so that, on a lesser and very messed up level, he can stay with Sangwoo--he has to plead to Sangwoo.

BUT ALSO. ANOTHER THING.

Sangwoo.  Did he hear the door open from the very beginning? If Bum had not called out to Sangwoo, would Bum have been able to go back inside and act like nothing happened?  I feel like one reason why Sangwoo wasn’t reacting immediately was because Bum called out to him. Bum wasn’t screaming for help right away. It was both confusing and allaying to Sangwoo, making him feel more hurt than rage...like, at that moment.

Also, I feel like the slowness of it all was Sangwoo’s bitterness at Bum’s ‘betrayal’, wishing that it wasn’t happening, but knowing he has to face reality.

4. Oooooh interesting parallel

So, just like how Bum struggles to differentiate between the ‘I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH’ Sangwoo and the ‘HERE YOU GO CUTIE’ Sangwoo, Sangwoo struggles to differentiate between the ‘I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU’ Bum and the ‘I NEED TO GO HOME LEAVE ME ALONE MOTHERFUCKER’ Bum. 

And, in a way, both realities of themselves are true. One side (the ‘here you go cutie’ and ‘i will do anything for you’) are the instinctual parts of themselves that want to love and be loved in return (lol, just realized that Sangwoo represents the ‘to love’ part and Bum represents the ‘be loved’ part). 

However, the other side (the ‘I will beat you’ and ‘I need to go home’) are the instinctual parts of themselves that simply want to survive. In Sangwoo’s method, by making sure he’ll never be inferior or weak. In Bum’s method, by escaping and seeking any little safety he can get.

5. A trigger for Bum...and random comment from Sangwoo for some reason?

I remember reading how Sangwoo said that the force of the rain will keep any neighbors from hearing Bum’s cries, so I wonder if this is a subtle warning to Bum. Maybe also a taunt to Bum that he won’t be able to feel the rain. I dunno, Sangwoo focuses on the weirdest fkkn things, like whatever happening before him is so bothersome and annoying that the mundanity of his surroundings are more interesting.

As for Bum, all he had eyes for was Sangwoo at first. Because Sangwoo became his priority. But the thing is, there’s a reason why his ‘priority’ changed from being with Sangwoo to escaping Sangwoo--and that rain is a reminder of it. And the need to be in the outside world, to survive, to be free, was the basic instinct that overpowered his niggling desire to be with kind!Sangwoo. Especially since kind!Sangwoo is not always there and, at worst, seems like an illusion that can break apart and stab him at any time.

I think he also feels resentful that Sangwoo is regularly going out, leaving him behind, living his life, and this was Bum’s first time (most likely in weeks) being able to even see rain. 

There’s this layer of pain and betrayal for Bum, probably, because Sangwoo is out there living his life. He’s flirting with other girls, maybe sleeping with them outside of their home, and just leaving Bum at home like a dirty little secret. So that’s also probably why, when he saw Sangwoo outside waiting for him, his first instinct was to sit there, let the door remain open, and call out to Sangwoo. Because Sangwoo...was waiting for him. To Sangwoo, he was important enough to sit outside for an entire hour just looking at the rain and listening to music.

6. Oh god no the kicked puppy look xD

YES SANGWOO. BUM WANTS TO LEAVE. I WONDER WHY. 

Did Koogi mean to draw Sangwoo’s expression like this?  Like his boyfriend just said “I want to break up”, saying the words that Sangwoo has been dreading this entire time and has been trying his best to avoid hearing?  Like. Is it just me?  Like. I don’t want to, but I feel bad for Sangwoo and don’t want him to look like that.  Oh my god. This fucking webtoon is fucking with me.

It makes me worried for how easy I can be prey to stockholm syndrome...

...oh wait.

lol

7. At first, I was like, what is with this delayed reaction here and why are you screwing with Bum like this--

--instead of just picking him up and carrying him inside, and then I came unto a theory. 

He’s trying to pound it into Bum’s skull that there’s no escaping. That no one will be coming for him and that no one will help him. It’s a great psychological tactic because the severity of this moment can impact Bum in the long run and make him even less wanting to ask for help, because no help will come. I do wonder if Sangwoo remembers Bum from military times and college times, because if he takes Bum’s victimization into consideration, this method of mentally destroying Bum is even more effective. 

It does show that Sangwoo is willing to forgive Bum, with how he is still trying to train Bum. Despite the betrayal, he recognizes Bum is more or less reacting more from an instinctual desire to be set free, rather than truly hating Sangwoo and being disgusted by him. So that means Bum still has his worth.

Also, the ‘slowness’ of his realization over what Bum was doing. Bum’s slowness was truly from a succession of events, rather than on purpose, but Sangwoo’s can go either way or be even a mix of both. If more of a response to Bum’s actions, then it could be because he’s truly wondering what the hell Bum is doing. 

At first, Bum is just begging for Sangwoo to forgive him, which...most likely takes Sangwoo aback. But then Bum is saying he wants to go outside, which...okay, closer to what Sangwoo is familiar with. But it’s when Bum starts yelling for help out in the streets, ‘idiotically’ ignoring how Sangwoo is letting him go through the gates (idiotic like the CEO daughter girl, though not to a point where it was ‘difficult to match’, which means Bum is still ‘salvageable’), that is when Sangwoo is in familiar territory. 

But honestly, most likely, Sangwoo is just fucking with Bum by being a smartass. 

OH WAIT. ‘Difficult to match her stupidity’. This might be something that Sangwoo does then?  As a way to either play with his prey or to...appeal to them in some way, by going to their level. Sangwoo being ‘slow’ to realize things is similar to Bum, so maybe he’s copy that--both--for his amusement and out of habit, since he tends to match the social mood in order to come off charismatic and charming. It’s also something he must have learned having grown up with abusive parents as well. ‘Match their mood’ or respond according to survive and all that.

8. “LET’S GO HOME”

OH NO. OH GOD. OH SHIT. THIS HURTS. SANGWOO STOP. SANGWOO YOU CANNOT BE DOMESTIC WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE KEEPING PRISONER. PLEASE. YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF EVEN FURTHER BY DOING THIS. OH MY GOD. 

Okay but this makes me think even more that Sangwoo was hurt by Bum’s “let’s go home” comment earlier. He wants Bum to really think of his prison as his home. The whole “I’ll make you some hot tea” thing really emphasizes just how much he wants the domestic lifestyle with someone, anyone (okay well...as long as they’re female or feminine), who can accept him. 

At this point, Bum hasn’t gone to the point where Sangwoo will throw him immediately into the basement. He can still forgive Bum for his trespasses, more or less. He won’t beat Bum up. Because Bum’s first reaction was to call out to him. He begged for Sangwoo’s forgiveness. He understands that Bum wants the first taste of the outside world. 

But Sangwoo is willing to forgive Bum if he just finishes his tirade at this point. Because this lesson is meant to teach Bum that he cannot escape, that no one will come to his rescue. No one in the outside world cares about them and would leave them to rot if it means they get to stay in their own bubble. The only people they can rely on is each other--the only one who’ll give Bum hot tea is Sangwoo.

If Bum understands this lesson, then he’ll just go along with Sangwoo and that means Bum wanting to run away has lessened even moreso than before. 

That means, if Bum just goes along with what he wants, then Sangwoo really will give him hot tea once they go back to ‘their’ home.

9. Even at this point, Sangwoo is still willing to give Bum hot tea (maybe after a good punch though)--

As for why Bum is fighting back so strongly, again, he has finally gotten the taste of the outside. I think Bum is even more sensitive to this because of his mentality. I think the more he is left by himself, the less he can deal with his internal world. One reason why he is unable to change his stalking ways and escape his uncle is because he doesn’t seem to be very...self-aware. He doesn’t check in with himself. He ignores his internal world too much because he can’t handle what it’s saying. So, to avoid letting himself think so much, the outside world is very, very important for keeping his sanity intact. So, more than his fear/disgust/anger/hate towards Sangwoo, Bum fights because he can’t stand being trapped inside anymore, scared that Sangwoo will kill him, abandon him, or betray him.

10. --AAAAND THEN BUM SAYS THIS TO HIM

I mean, go Bum for speaking the truth, but...gah. He lost all chances of Sangwoo treating him nicely.

Because this hit too close to Bum acting like ‘all those other girls’. Bum calling him that is like saying he hates Sangwoo, thinks Sangwoo is repulsive, or that he’s better than Sangwoo. Also because that’s what Sangwoo thinks whenever he calls someone else that. 

I don’t blame Bum for losing it because ohhhhh my gosh, this boy has been keeping it together for so long through the most impossible situations. But at this point, had he realized that chances for escape and for anyone coming for him was zero, his priority should’ve been mitigating the damage of Sangwoo’s anger. Especially to keep that anger from breaking his goddamn legs again.

Though, I think it’s interesting that Koogi chose a purplish-blue hue rather than red for this scene. I’m kinda wondering if it’s suppose to signify anything...knowing Koogi, it does, but I have no clue what.

11. Hmmmmn...

I mean...why would there be shopping districts in a residential area?  Is that common in Korea?  I can see the argument for stores, because having one nearby in walking distance is common also in the Philippines so that you don’t have to go to the shopping district. 

Anyways, I don’t think this is also quite true. There are literally cars right there. Like. Right next to his goddamn house. Sangwoo specifically chose this time of day for a reason and I honestly think he was waiting also for the weather to be right. He waited for there to be heavy rain before enacting this plan. He waited for 6pm, when there wouldn’t be anyone coming by anymore. And probably his neighbors were all out and the ones who would be there are further out so that they won’t hear Bum and/or even be less inclined to check out the racket. 

Sangwoo doesn’t actually plan things through properly, and that becomes especially true when he later becomes more of the classic sociopath. That’s why he can be careless. He doesn’t account for outliers in his plan, but he still thinks far enough that he still keeps the king in sight by planning at least two steps ahead, with alternatives in place.

Even though this sets him up for making more mistakes, it does make him adaptable. That’s why he was still willing to make Bum tea...though he was probably going to shower Bum, dry him off, put him in the basement, then make him tea lol. That’s probably his literal thought process. But again, he’s willing to change his plans based off how Bum reacts. 

Oh!  Also, I think Sangwoo is speaking from experience. This neighborhood is also probably infamous for just...looking the other way. For being apathetic. This is his childhood home and a lot of shitty things went down in that house. So showing Bum just how little the neighborhood cared was probably just an extension to make Bum feel the way he felt before as well.

12. An extension of my last point, where Sangwoo was most likely stretching the truth

Again, this shows that Sangwoo is still willing to keep Bum. He’s no longer willing to treat Bum nicely enough to give hot tea, but if Bum keeps giving him the right reactions--if he’s able to somehow convince Sangwoo in a way that not even Sangwoo can expect--then he’ll still want Bum by his side.

So long as Bum can show that there is no one else like him--that will accept Sangwoo and love him, despite being a monster.

13. Pfffffft

I really want to make this into a meme where Bum is us, Sangwoo is the shutdown mandates, the fence is the outside world, and the white car is corona virus just waving at us.

14. Sangwoo’s language

Clever word choice that puts the blame on Bum, trying to guilt him by ‘forcing’ Sangwoo’s hand, now making Sangwoo feel bad, and making the situation worse for both of them. Also drives home that the more Bum does this, the more Sangwoo will take extreme measures.

Oh hey, green duct tape. I think Koogi makes artwork of Bum being wrapped up in green duct tape too.

15. Well, this one, I’m wondering about

Sangwoo is implying that since it’s covered in Bum’s sweat, the blanket is disgusting and he can no longer touch it. 

So Sangwoo changes his word choices depending on how Bum behaves as well.  “Cutie” is reserved for the times Bum behaves and/or is able to make Sangwoo feel...normal, I guess. If Bum makes him feel okay, then Sangwoo praises him.  And ^this^ is reserved for when Bum isn’t behaving or is unable to distract him from his trauma.

But the truth of how Sangwoo actually does see him--cute--actually showed from the moment he rubbed Bum’s cheeks. While Bum’s confession is what made Sangwoo stop from killing him, it’s Bum’s appearance that made him decide to let Bum live for now. Bum wasn’t just ‘girly-looking’, he’s actually attractive in a way that can fit Sangwoo’s style.

16. Oooooohp, we’re back to the red

Actually, I believe Sangwoo here when he says he didn’t choose anything lol. He most likely thought of options, just from what he has used before, but never actually went through with picking something out. Because Bum never did anything that warranted Sangwoo to actually choose something.

Actually, this says a lot of how much Sangwoo was willing to let Bum get away with things. Even though he desperately hoped that Bum wouldn’t cross the line, he also figured there was a 50/50 chance of it. The fact that he didn’t choose a torture device means that a part of him--in a way--trusted Bum (or wanted to trust him), which shows how much he has become attached to the idea of Bum staying by his side. 

So, even if Bum did cross the line, he wasn’t planning of torturing Bum even then. Punishing him in some way like locking him back up in the basement, yes. But not actually hurting him physically. 

But then Bum called him motherfucker lol. I think bringing in the “mother” part was double the trigger too.

In a way, I don’t think Sangwoo actually enjoys hurting people. He wants to hurt them in the same way that he feels hurt, as a way to assuage the pain he feels and he believes they caused. I believe it might be a way he justifies hurting them, as well as building a wall that keeps whatever little sanity he has left intact. Sort of a ‘they hurt me, so I’ll hurt them too’. And since the scars they left on him are invisible, he might find it poetic that the scars he returns to them are bleeding in a way he can see. 

17. AAAAAAAND WE’RE NOW INTO THE TERRITORY I REALLY REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE IN HAHAHAHAHHH

Lol this is why it took me two years after this series finished to even be interested in reading this webtoon lol.

I am glad for Koogi highlighting this panel in red though. She obviously doesn’t mean it for it to be romanticized. It’s just as bad as the torture and murder Sangwoo inflicts onto his victims. This is rape in all its horrifying glory and the red is meant to remind us that just because Koogi ain’t pulling her punches, doesn’t mean the punches are meant to inflict anything but pain.

oh god i was prolonging get to this point so much that i spent two hours typing out the other stuff sjgsoi;regjio;ejg

should i just skip

should i just skip

should i just skiiiiiip 

18. Ohhhhhh Sangwoo o;aiejroi;ejao;gijo;ijso

I’m sorry but i laughing so fkkn hard at Sangwoo’s reaction oh my god i love it

HM?

HMM??

NANI DESU KA?

MWOYA?

BUM WHAT ARE YOU DOING. BUM WHAT THE FUCK. BUM STOP TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF AND JUST CHOOSE THE HOOK OR THE KNIFE. OR KEEP YELLING. DO SOMETHING EXPECTED. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. YOU’RE SCARING ME.

slap the word “me” over Sangwoo’s face and you get the tamer version of my reaction.

If Sangwoo does not say the words “country whore” in the next panels, then...uh well, that’s going to be surprising and I’ll add an interpretation of that in the end.

19. *wheeze* Sangwoo go 8^0 and “wut wut wut wut wut”

Sangwoo’s highly dumbstruck, incredibly confused expression is still killing me.  Look at how malnourished this poor boy is tho >_<

One thing, again, is Koogi’s decision to make Bum eyeless here. Bum is just using his mouth to appeal to Sangwoo now, anything to keep himself free of pain. To do that, he has to take away his autonomy. He has to lose himself. He can’t think about himself, he can’t see himself as a person. The only thing he needs to do is gratify Sangwoo. 

Bum really is clever though. Now that he’s away from the outside world, the one thing he wants more than anything, his brain can focus on one thing now. There’s no extra stimuli that will battle between the different instincts to survive (one to appeal to Sangwoo for the sake of his blood staying inside his body, the other to be outside for the sake of his sanity). So now, he can focus on what he knows he should’ve done earlier: appeal to Sangwoo. 

He knows it’s too late and part of him regrets it--but it did let him stay outside longer, so he can’t completely regret it--but now that he’s back inside and away from the outside world, he knows that the only chance he has to stay alive...is to appeal to Sangwoo’s first desire to keep Bum by his side. To show Sangwoo that he’s still different and still worth keeping alive. That there’s things Sangwoo still hasn’t been able to answer and he can only do so by keeping Bum by his side.

20. Lolololololololololol Sangwoo still 8^0

And those blades in his hands are just frkkn decorations at this point xD

I also like to think that the reason for Sangwoo being half eyeless is because part of his humanity is, obviously, not there...but Bum is still able to keep part of his sanity intact because of what he’s doing. 

It’s funny because Bum is using his sexuality as a weapon, just like Sangwoo is. 

Sangwoo must be so fkkn confused right now. He doesn’t understand Bum. He really doesn’t. Bum was literally just screaming and kicking him earlier. He doesn’t know which side of Bum to trust. If only Bum had acted like this earlier...well actually wait no. Because I don’t think Sangwoo actually wants Bum to come onto him. He’s still testing out Bum and questioning his sexuality, so Bum coming onto him would be uncomfortable and make Sangwoo push back, especially since he does have homophobic tendencies.  But Bum not treating Sangwoo like a monster, being docile, and actually wanting to be by Sangwoo’s side--that is what Sangwoo wanted from the beginning.

However, even though Bum is obviously doing this because he wants to avoid pain, the fact that he is even able to respond like this impresses Sangwoo. To a point where, as a reward, he doesn’t torture Bum with blades. Bum was able to ease some of the hurt he did onto Sangwoo, so Sangwoo no longer needs Bum to bleed. But Bum still crossed the line. He still called Sangwoo ‘motherfucker’. So he still needs to be punished. 

This does show that Sangwoo doesn’t actually want to hurt Bum. He’s just using these methods because he doesn’t know anything else. Or, to put it more accurately, he can’t bring himself to use healthier methods because he’s so familiar with the unhealthy ones.

21. *screams into palms*

Sangwoo shows gratitude for Bum once again proving his worth by giving a sweet little kiss. 

Bum knows better than be comforted by that. 

Okay fuck it i made it page 44 ;djg;sdjgo i need a fucking break

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 7

Ahhh next chapter is...going to brutalize my soul...

1. At first glance, this does seem really stupid, but it fits--especially with Bum’s mentality

Bum is about to do something super scary. He is going to try and run away from a serial killer with two broken legs. Like. That is fucking terrifying. Trying to do something to calm himself down before he leaves makes sense, even if it’s something as unimportant as trying to change clothes. 

And it will also make him stand out less, which will cause less people to stare at him and question him, which would make him even more nervous. After the ordeal he went through, the last thing he wants to deal with is the judgmental stares of strangers. 

This is also a way for him to keep Sangwoo’s secret safe. It doesn’t even seem to occur to him to rat out Sangwoo, which...that can say multiple things about him. He obviously still holds affection for Sangwoo (or, well, not Sangwoo but the sweet treatment he can sometimes get from Sangwoo), so he doesn’t want to see Sangwoo in jail. 

He also probably doesn’t really...care about the murders Sangwoo committed. He feels morally repulsed about it, which is why he can’t do it himself even under dire circumstances that would warrant these measures, but on a personal level, that part doesn’t bother him so much as the fact that it’s Sangwoo doing the killing. I honestly believe that if Sangwoo treated Bum lovingly and was exclusive with him, Bum would’ve accepted Sangwoo’s serial killer tendencies and made sure there was no way Sangwoo could get caught.

2. Yes, why don’t we fkkn pull out the dead bodies, my clothes might be in there somewhere

What the fuck Bum, oh my god. OTL  

Or maybe Bum subconsciously knows his mind is playing tricks on him and that it’s fake. Or maybe he really does think it could be real, but he doesn’t want it to be, so he opens up to make sure. 

But what weirds me out the most is the fact that Bum doesn’t actually...respond when he seemingly pulls out an arm and dismembered limbs fall out. No desire to vomit. No horror. Only, he’s more confused and grossed out, but he seems more...detached from the situation than anything else.  Which is even weirder when I consider how Bum is very vividly/visually piecing together how these clothes once belonged to women who were alive.

3. Honestly, I really want to know more about Sangwoo as a serial killer

Heeyyyy CEO girl’s undies are there too.

Here, we have clothes from what I can assume are the clothes of all the women Sangwoo murdered. But the moment Bum enters the picture, we don’t see anything explicit like Sangwoo bringing home women to kill them. So it makes these clothes have this air of...mystery. Like. If these are from old kills, we can assume that Sangwoo already put them through the laundry, so why are they in the laundry again? And if they are new kills, then why the heck isn’t there any explicit mentions of them, cuz Koogi isn’t the type to shy away from that?

If the former, I can assume that, maybe, Sangwoo is planning to dress Bum up in these clothes then try and fuck him in it. This might be the ‘reward’ he was thinking up had Bum not crossed the line. Actually...oh my god, this might be a mix of girls he has killed in the past + his mom’s clothes...Sangwoo...

ANYWAYS, in the latter...so, this is more or less through Bum’s eyes, so the lack of portrayal for Sangwoo’s kills could reflect Bum’s denial. He doesn’t want to see it happening, doesn’t want to connect the killing with Sangwoo--especially since it drives home just how close he is to getting killed by Sangwoo--so we don’t get to see that in his narrative. 

4. God, this man does not have a good life doesn’t he

Bum is obviously conflicted. No matter what he chooses, it’s hell for him either way. The choices here is either the devil he has known for years--one he knows that he can survive--or an entirely unknown devil that can give him what he wants, but most likely before that devil kills him.

[As an aside, honestly, I’d probably stay with Sangwoo if those were my only two choices...Sangwoo seems like he can be manipulated if you can play his game right and there could even be some merit to keeping him together. But with Bum’s uncle, we’d both be in a losing game because he’s useless. However, I won’t deny that uncle here is the safest choice, even if I don’t get anything out of it in the end]

5. Goddamn Koogi, fkkn applaud you

Seriously, the way Koogi portrays Bum’s thought processes are amazing. 

So, Bum obviously has some...sort of psychotic disorder because these visual and auditory hallucinations are another level. The thing is, Bum also seems to know very well that they aren’t real. With psychosis, the person usually can’t discern it from reality. In a way, it becomes their reality. Sangwoo seems to match this definition more actually, but I can’t say for sure because we haven’t gotten the in-depth look into his hallucinations like Bum here.

Anyways, going on, rather than a psychotic break from reality, it’s more like this is Bum’s way of parsing out his thoughts because, for whatever reason, he’s unable to think them through internally. Which fits with how indecisive he can be and how his actions can change on a dime. 

Bum is a more...instinctual person. Like how Sangwoo seems to react in real time to his surroundings and situations, Bum reacts based on learned habits, like a broken record on repeat. It makes it difficult for him to adapt to situations unless he has, in some way, experienced it before. Both of them respond instinctually, but for Sangwoo, it’s with calculated anger, him trying to come up on top and make it so that he can never feel powerless.

But for Bum, he responds sexually. I don’t know if his uncle has always been sexually abusing him because if not, then I’m not sure where Bum’s hypersexuality comes from--unless it came due to not having any sexual experience until his uncle raped him later in life. 

Either way, since Bum believes he has literally nothing to offer but his body--and it can also give him pleasure in the meanwhile, which is probably the only times he gets a dopamine release--that is Bum’s primary response.

6. Oooffff Bum’s thoughts in literally plain view

Bum is still holding onto his image of Sangwoo, as well as the sweet moments he had with him. Because that is obviously what Bum wants, more than anything. But the thing is, Bum knows that Sangwoo doesn’t actually love him. Sangwoo will end up killing him if he crosses the line--not just the metaphorical one Sangwoo ‘carved’ on the wooden floor. But every single line that Sangwoo draws up in the future as well. 

With his uncle, if he crosses the line, then what he gets is a beating, but for the most part, he’s ignored. He’s able to go outside. If he keeps to himself, his uncle won’t care about him outside of whatever physical ‘sessions’. But with Sangwoo, if he crosses the line, then he’s useless. Killing him will be give Sangwoo more entertainment than keeping him alive. And there are so many lines Bum can’t cross, to a point where he won’t be able to live a life. With his uncle, it’s just about surviving certain moments. With Sangwoo, it’s about surviving second by second. Especially since he knows Sangwoo is a serial killer, so I think subconsciously, Bum knows Sangwoo can’t keep him alive if he doesn’t follow the rules.

7. Oh, wow, scratch my earlier comment, so Bum actually did have a psychotic break lol

...Though, it’s still like Bum knows that something is off about what he’s seeing. 

He’s never had qualms about screaming for his life. We yell at Sangwoo not to break his leg, he whines about his broken leg, he complains to Sangwoo when being washed in the tub, and in the next chapter, he even calls Sangwoo a motherfucker. 

So...why is it that, when he’s about to be killed, he doesn’t yell out to Sangwoo or beg to him?  

Yes, he’s visually hallucinating (or whatever term is suppose to apply here arjgoerjgoe) time being faster than it actually is, but it’s still as if a part of him knows that it isn’t Sangwoo in front of him. It’s like he’s lost in his visualizations of a story where Sangwoo does kill him, like the visceral reaction a watcher has to a horror movie they get too into.

8. Wow, this really shows a more...attached reaction to leaving Sangwoo

Quietly bidding adieu to Sangwoo’s presence gives this feeling that Bum doesn’t actually want to leave. But he also wants to survive. It’s similar to how suicidal people don’t want die, they just want to escape the pain. 

9. How people reacted once the shutdown ended lololol

Oh god imagine if KS happened during the pandemic O_O

ANYWAYS. The fact that Bum doesn’t fkkn check to see if Sangwoo is there. The fact that he doesn’t keep a hand on the door handle so that he could close the door. The fact that he doesn’t do it slowly and quietly. 

No seriously, so many times and this one is probably the worst. Bum continuously does things that make it seem like he wants to get caught. It’s like he doesn’t fully commit to his plan. 

It’s more like...instead of wanting to escape, he just wants to see the outside world. He wants to go outside again. He doesn’t want to get beaten and have his life threatened an inch of his life. But, again, he doesn’t want to actually leave. 

So when he sees Sangwoo sitting there, he doesn’t...do anything. It’s like his instinct is to stay where Sangwoo is. Even in the face of being outside, the first thing he does is appeal to Sangwoo, THEN to crawl away begging for help when he realizes that this will be his last time being able to go outside. 

But again, first instinct was to beg for Sangwoo’s forgiveness. In that triad of instincts, Bum’s is sexual first, social second, with fkkn self-preservation as his blind oh my god. 

10. Uh wait

Is Sangwoo even singing?  Or is he just listening to music right now??  I’d say more on this, but there’ll be a LOT to unpack in the next chapter, so I’ll just end it here.

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 6

*looks out into the distance* welp.

1. It is rather strange

As we later see in this chapter, Bum logically knows that this is not the type of relationship he wants to be in. But Sangwoo did things that Bum could’ve only dreamed of having--and Sangwoo takes advantage of that. Both, as a control mechanism and a way for Sangwoo to receive the love he wants just as desperately as Bum (they both just have different ways of going at it). 

But still, the way Bum reacts to the sexual aspects. He becomes a person entirely uninhibited and unable to control his desires. He’s super weak to pleasure (or, in other words, he’s so desperate for a dopamine release and sex can give him a dump of that shit), which is why he is the hypersexual one in the relationship, while Sangwoo just seems to use it as a weapon. 

2. Like...I get it...I GET IT...

If this was real life, then it would just be Bum not paying attention, made worse by the environment he’s trapped in, and him touching a fucking boiling pot without checking the temperature or using a towel wouldn’t be his fault. 

But ever since the whole rat poison thing, I’m unable to look at this in anything but a fictional way. Because it’s like Bum is testing Sangwoo himself here as well, but using a disconnect between thoughts vs reality as a way to hide behind excuses and just generally remain self-unaware. 

Because he knows that, usually, if he drops shit, Sangwoo will be there to beat the fucking shit out of him. 

But...what about now?

3. Honestly, Bum, I’m confused too lol

Sangwoo has this thing of just...not thinking about things. He also has this disconnect that allows him to just respond to his environment without having to think too deeply about its significance. So long as he can separate the emotion from it, Sangwoo takes things moment by moment. I think that’s just to keep himself from getting overwhelmed because he already is running on overflow due to his PTSD.

So, I think the new rush of feelings Bum is bringing for within him is making him see his environment in a new way. Less cluttered. Less...trapped in his memories. His trauma. Which means it will take more for him to be triggered into harming Bum (i.e., Bum trying to leave him and take away this newfound peace with him). 

4. *makes a what the hell motion*

...I...why though??

5. It is interesting because now...

...Instead of reacting with pain whenever Bum shows hesitance and anxiety, Sangwoo is trying a different tactic. Now that Bum has shown him that, in a way, he does genuinely have...some sort of feelings for Sangwoo, Sangwoo wants to keep that feeling.

6. Trading ice

Ahhhh this is such a good scene. Koogi delivers such an amazing representation of why battered partners stay. This scary ass bastard breaks Bum’s legs and beats him up, but with this scene of Sangwoo making out with Bum so they can swap the ice between their mouths...those are the parts that make a part of me root for them. What makes it worse is that Sangwoo is so good-looking and he sweetly calls Bum cutie, so like...if you just take in this scene and leave out the rest, that’s the part of me that wants moments like these to continue. 

7. Lol, yep

Oof, classic of any and every abuser. And, honestly, any normal person. Though, I do think Bum’s mode of ‘separating’ these two is due to Bum’s mental issues as well. I think his susceptibility to psychosis and derealization makes him more prone to thinking as the same reality as two different realities. 

And really, it’s not that Sangwoo has two completely different personalities. No human can maintain the same personality in every single situation.

Also, one thing I find interesting about Sangwoo’s reaction to Bum is that I don’t think these parts are part of his plan. I think these are all new additions, not actual strategies he has consciously come up with to keep Bum with him. Because no one has ever made it as far as Bum, so while he could only imagine someone getting this far with him, he has never actually entertained it until now--when he is being given the chance to.

8. oisjrgio;srejg;oiesrjgio;esjgi gdi

Honestly, this makes me very impressed with Bum. Because no matter how desperate Bum is for love, he doesn’t actually fall for the stockholm syndrome completely. Not in the beginning. I started on the chapters where he already had, so seeing how he’s fighting back against it right now gives insight to how gradual his descent was. 

9. Ohh?

Wait, Sangwoo is sleeping downstairs with Bum??  So that he doesn’t have to lock Bum up in the basement, he’s compensating for that by sleeping in the same bed with Bum instead??  I can see Sangwoo’s line of thinking after Bum crosses that line: “I treat a loser homo like you nicely and sleep in the same bed as you so that you don’t have to be in the basement, and this is how you treat me instead?”

10. I have this headcanon

That Sangwoo makes sure not to sleep before Bum does. Since Bum is unchained, the risk of having Bum escape is really high, so to make sure that doesn’t happen, he only lets himself relax once Bum is asleep. Their position in bed here also makes it so that it’s very difficult for Bum to get out of the room without waking him.

Also, I do think Sangwoo has been woken up multiple times by his mom’s molestation. So he also probably automatically wakes up whenever someone touches him in his sleep. Which is why, in later panels, he responds by completing the sexual advances himself--because why else would someone touch him in his sleep?  At least this way, he’s in control of the advances and it’s with someone he has...sorta chosen.

11. *screams into hands*

Sangwoo--and you know what, even you Bum, for being horny instead of disturbed--I’m begging you, PLEASE NO. 

But really though...Bum’s response to not actually respond to Sangwoo’s Oepidal commentary...it shows how, while alleviating Sangwoo’s pain in the short run, does stagnate Sangwoo in his trauma in the long run.

Ughhhserhgiulheriuhguieshg i am so scared to scroooollllllll lije;osirgjoise

Okay you know what, before I scroll, one last thing: Again, Sangwoo’s comment does drive home to how...this was the only time he ever felt safe and loved. He can’t remember anything positive in his childhood that it was the time before he was born that gives him fond memories, even though he obviously can’t possibly remember that. He’s not frkkn Ray from Neverland.

ACTUALLY WAIT. Sangwoo has probably said stupid shit like this with the other girls he has been with right!?!??!  Obviously any sane/average person would be disturbed by this, so they probably would chew Sangwoo out. One thing he said about the CEO’s daughter was that “this bitch thought she was better than me”. 

Sangwoo’s tests for the women he dates must be different than Bum’s tests. Obviously no “don’t cross the line” shit. So while sleeping with them, he starts showing his creepy side, the thoughts that plague his mind as a way to keep him from completely losing it. And the moment he does, he sees the disgust in their faces and the way they try to get away from him, which is when he responds by...uh throwing them in the basement, I guess lol.

Omg I am trying so hard to prolong having to continue reading. 😂

12. Oh O_O

Okay so Sangwoo is now fine with it??  

Ohp never mind, finally made it through the whole scene and nope, he doesn’t seem to be lol. Him having oral-based trauma seems more and more likely now. He pulled Bum off him right before he came and as you can see here, it’s like he’s...nervous. In pain. Something along those lines, either way, it’s not so much “lost in pleasure” rather than “lost in painful memories”. 

I don’t think Sangwoo is allowing Bum to blow him because he wants it--it’s because he knows Bum wants it. And he’s trying to reward Bum for behaving himself and not crossing the line. 

So I don’t even think Bum being a guy is even the issue here. I don’t think Sangwoo has ever finished inside any woman, whether their mouth or vagina. Because even though Sangwoo is saying things as if he does sexually love his mom, in reality, he’s so disgusted by it that he can’t function in his daily life.

I like that Koogi didn’t draw Sangwoo’s eyes here--just like how, in a flashback, we could see Eunsoo’s mouth but not her eyes. In a way, during these moments Sangwoo doesn’t feel human. Just like whenever his mom molested him, he wasn’t her son or a person during that time, just a thing for her gratification. 

13. So, this is probably one representation why Bum tried to escape

Other than the obvious of NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE THE OUTSIDE WORLD AT ALL (omg, regular people rioted just one week into the frggn shutdown during a PANDEMIC, of course Bum would want to go the fuck outside), I think Bum also sees the disconnect between Sangwoo’s actions.

Bum has probably asked if he could swallow Sangwoo’s cum, but to no avail, and that Sangwoo seems to have a underlying reason lurking there that he refuses to explain and Bum is unable to understand. 

Even though he wishes otherwise, he gets that Sangwoo doesn’t actually love him and, thus, can snap and kill him at any time. Sangwoo is keeping him only because Bum is obeying his rules. Otherwise, he’s meaningless to Sangwoo. He’s not a human or a person to Sangwoo. He is a thing for Sangwoo’s gratification.

14. “Can yOU gO bAck TO thE BasEMEnt BUM???”

Hmmmn, okay, so there was a vague time lapse here. Does that mean Sangwoo has been continuously putting Bum back into the basement every time he leaves??  

The way Sangwoo is asking implies that he hasn’t, but Sangwoo is also a piece of shit, so maybe that isn’t a question at all.  Thing is, the way Sangwoo says “ah, you’re angry?” at the end might mean something. 

Anyways, if Bum really hasn’t been going down to the basement, the thing is he still isn’t letting Bum outside and it’s making Bum go stir crazy. He literally hasn’t probably seen the outside world in a week or two. And Sangwoo notices that. He sees how Bum has been slowly mentally and emotionally deteriorating due to being locked up inside. 

So him going outside to meet someone might have been him setting up a test for Bum. 

It really is interesting to see how tightly Sangwoo is clinging onto Bum. He’s not a serial killer just for the sake of the murder itself, he’s actually trying to find someone he who can love him...while making it impossible for them to love him lol.

15. Damp?

I wonder if the basement being too damp has something to do with why we saw Sangwoo’s hands dripping earlier, leaving that wet spot on Bum’s clothes.

16. *wheeze*

Ah, when your man whispers sweet nothings in your ear aojeroi;aje :’)

17. ...gdi, don’t make me feel bad for you

oof Koogi expertly catches the anxiety and low key desperation on Sangwoo’s face. Seriously. He has set up the test for Bum, saying he’ll be back around 7pm and all he’s doing is just waiting outside to catch him. He’s begging Bum not to cross the line. He wants Bum to prove his loyalty, earn his trust so badly. 

Which is bullshit, but whatever. It still does make me wonder what kind of reward Sangwoo would’ve given Bum had he stayed and not tried to escape. How much leeway would he have given Bum afterwards?  It’s an interesting what-if.

18. Bum’s expression is also interesting here

Bum’s expression is interesting here too. Koogi’s choice to do her signature red haze in the panel does suggest that he’s planning something that WILL get him beaten to death by Sangwoo too. 

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 5

...reading this drains my soul...OTL <-- Me crawling forward in the same way I keep making myself read the chapters lol

1. Seriously, why Bum

Well, I say that, but the more I think of it, the more I can see other people reacting similarly, even if that wouldn’t be the common response. Bum doesn’t really know what else to do but follow Sangwoo’s orders and he does increase his chances of survival in the long run if he just does what Sangwoo says. He might die from the rat poison, but he definitely will end up getting something broken/cut off if he disobeys Sangwoo. 

Also, Bum doesn’t just have BPD (because if it was just that, honestly, Bum doesn’t fit the criteria from what I’ve seen), he has dp/dr disorder, psychosis, and complex PTSD. So I think all of that mixed together, it really effects the way he sees things, which explains his less...sensical conclusions. 

But that’s just a realistic outlook. From a more personally entertaining one, it’s kind of like Bum has this block that keeps him from doing things like lashing out at Sangwoo. 

If Sangwoo ended up eating the poison, Bum could allay responsibility by saying “well, that’s his fault for falling for it, I gave all possible clues that I poisoned it after all”, which could give another angle as to why he reacted so obviously. This is Bum’s way of keeping what little sanity he has in tact, even if it does mean staying with Sangwoo. I dunno, I have a lot of thoughts on KS and I have no clue on how to dump them all out in a way that would make fkkn sense...because, actually, a lot of them disconnect and branch off into alternatives, so are technically separate from each other, which ends up confusing me lol. 

2. Ohhhh okay

Oh this is why Sangwoo called Bum ugly...he also called him a bunch of other stuff earlier, but the ugly part--just contained to this scene--is also spurred by how Bum tried to poison him. 

It also does makes sense because Sangwoo knows that, even if someone smiles at him in the way Bum does, it can’t mean anything good because he KNOWS he has done nothing to deserve Bum’s smile.

And I dunno, the way Sangwoo ensures that Bum swallows it, reading Bum’s intentions to not swallow (which...how were you going to make that happen, Bum) and silently giving a physical warning to make sure he does swallow as punishment for what he tried to do. 

To be honest, now that I know Sangwoo’s mom killed the dad via poisoning, I’m surprised that this wasn’t a trigger for Sangwoo.  He beat Bum up for dropping plates, so why didn’t Bum trying to off him the way his mom offed his dad send Sangwoo off the deep end?

3. Wait, so what happened after this???

Did...obviously Sangwoo didn’t actually...finish eating it right??  So what the heck, what did they do after this?  Why is it that Sangwoo is just...treating everything normally?  I mean, he didn’t make Bum cook something different, but he had to have eaten something...but he wasn’t angry at Bum ruining dinner???  No seriously, there’s a huge gaping hole in plot here. 

Bum listening to Sangwoo’s orders actually did end up saving Bum. It appeased Sangwoo. Maybe because they were able to get past this pretending that everything was ‘normal’?  In a way, it’s like Sangwoo is saying ‘Yeah, I don’t blame you for trying to poison me. Thank you for being so goddamn obvious about it, btw. It was like you were trying to save me hahah.’

4. ...Did...

...Did Sangwoo just call the radio station he always has on in his house to ask them to play that song??

Seriously, it’s like everything Sangwoo does just shows how trapped he is in the past.

5. No seriously

What does Sangwoo DO in that basement???

6. Oh hey, the first time he does this

Like when Bum later tries to kill himself, Sangwoo is about to put him back in the downstairs bedroom, changes his mind, then brings him upstairs to his bedroom. 

So in here, he does the same because Bum is injured THE SAME WAY HE WAS TRYING TO KILL SANGWOO, but Sangwoo still decides to take care of him in a better way. He no longer doesn’t think it’s “right” for Bum to be in the basement, Bum has no place there anymore. 

And it shows that Sangwoo is really just...reactionary. He really means it when he later tells Bum “I don’t plan things” because...gahdang, man. The way he just reacts to his environment is really split second, it’s kind of unnerving and it really contributes to the worsening of his PTSD. 

7. Oh my god Sangwoo

Wth is going through your brain, seriously.

Okay wait, now that I’ve gone through more chapters and got to point #11, maybe Sangwoo is just...confused as fuck. As in, why Bum is this way. Since we later see Sangwoo treating Bum only after he tries to kill himself, then maybe Bum actually took the poison himself and here we see the aftereffects of the ‘suicide’. So maybe this is just an early parallel to what Bum will outright be doing in the future.

This also explains why, in earlier panels before collapsing, Bum is asking himself “what’s happening”, because him and Sangwoo ate the rat poison, but there was no reaction, so he maybe thought that it wasn’t enough or the rat poison was just regular salt pills or something. I don’t freaking know.

8. Wow, Sangwoo really going the extra mile here

I can assume that Bum actually vomited in the bucket, but it’s clean, implying that Sangwoo actually cleaned it up for him. 

9. Okay...?

So either Bum is having auditory hallucinations or Sangwoo brought back his next hunt.

So that could be another reason why Sangwoo doesn’t think Bum belongs in the basement, because he’s no longer the ‘prey’ that Sangwoo reserves that basement for. Bum means more than them.

10. *squints* is that...not blood??

Saliva? Tears? Sweat?? Water from washing dishes???  jfc

11. “Are you okay?” *WHEEZE*

I love how Koogi does not reveal whether Bum means that in a “shouldn’t you be sick too” or a “I hope you’re not sick” and...seriously, I’m just really confused at what’s going on.

Does this mean that Sangwoo DID eat the soup and whatnot??@?!?!?!?!?!   WAS BUM PUTTING THE GODDAMN RAT PILLS JUST HIS IMAGINATION!?!?!??!  I’M.  I’M SO CONFUSED!?!??!?!  IS THAT WHY SANGWOO IS TREATING HIM SO NICELY????  BECAUSE HE THOUGHT BUM WAS TRYING TO POISON HIM, BUT ACTUALLY THAT WASN’T WHAT BUM DID!?!?!?!?!?!  WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GAPS, KOOGI, YOU’RE REALLY JUST TRYING TO FUCK WITH OUR BRAINS HERE HUH (i seriously and sincerely applaud you).

12. ...*stares off into the distance*

What goes through your head whenever you end up asking these things, Bum?

13. I genuinely do think Sangwoo is fine with this

Even though there are parts of Sangwoo that are confusing--because he can be impulsive--for the most part, it’s easy to see what parts will trigger him or not. I think Bum being genuinely interested in Sangwoo and pleading for things that have the “let me be with you” vibe is what Sangwoo wants all along, so it won’t trigger him. 

But that’s only if Bum does things like stop trembling and actually looking like he wants to be with Sangwoo, since Sangwoo can very accurately read Bum’s body language and what not. 

14. Wait, sir, you are a fkkn unreliable narrator

Uhm...they died in a homicide three years ago, Sangwoo...that was when you were 21/22...are you saying the last time you sat at the little table with your mom, your dad overlooking you, was during high school???  I cannot trust your explanations lol.

15. First look into Sangwoo’s childhood abuse

Huh, this entire thing is interesting because it makes me go at an entirely different angle than what ended up actually happening at the end. 

If I read this webtoon while it was being updated, I would’ve never come to the conclusions I’m coming up with now because the ending gives the story an entirely different conclusion. 

For one, if it really is the run of the mill domestic violence situation, I honestly don’t think Sangwoo would be killing women the way he is now. There was something else to these memories. Something that was so much sinister than what happened growing up with his father, that it completely broke Sangwoo in a way that his father’s abuse did not. Something that he can never say until his madness ran so deep, that he could no longer suppress those memories. 

The one we see here, with the table, was actually the least worse of Sangwoo’s memories. That is why he is able to bring it up, even in a fond a way. Because, in a way, these were Sangwoo’s happiest memories. The least painful ones. The safest of them. 

That is why, as we get further in the story, we can see the descent into the truth of Sangwoo’s path directly correlating to how he is destroying himself in real time (I just wanna know when that occurs, because obviously, Bum is the catalyst for Sangwoo’s destruction).

16. Ooooh, Koogi’s art

I love the dichotomy between Sangwoo’s mom (Eunsoo???) and Sangwoo’s appearance. Eunsoo (even if it’s wrong, it’s easier just to type this lol) doesn’t actually acknowledge or see the reality before her, but her mouth is wide open in fear to show how she is still reacting to it. Sangwoo, on the other hand, only has his eye drawn because he does see the reality before himself. But because he’s powerless and he knows that using his words/making sounds will do nothing or even make the situation worse, he is mouthless.

17. “someone like you”

Honestly, for me, this was more derogatory than Sangwoo calling Bum ‘ugly’ and a ‘loser’. Here, it’s like acknowledging Bum is worthless that, if it weren’t for current circumstances, he would’ve never opened up to Bum like this. It’s just that Sangwoo has no better alternative, so he has no choice but to rely on Bum. This type of tone carries on throughout the series, where it’s obvious that Sangwoo is only with Bum because he would literally have no one else by his side.  

In another way, Sangwoo is saying that an abusive serial killer is the only type of person that could ever be with “someone like” Bum. 

18. Wait what??

Uh so this is the immediate reply after Bum saying sorry and...I honestly am at a loss over what Sangwoo means by this. 

19. Hmmmn...

Well, knowing that I know now, Sangwoo is saying this because he doesn’t want Bum to do this to himself and this is the only way he knows how to show his concern and desire to keep Bum alive. 

When Sangwoo is verbally abusing here, it seems to have a different vibe than the other times. I can’t really explain why without having to look back at my other notes, but when Sangwoo says things “I hate guys like you the most”, it’s his way of deterring Bum from trying to hurt himself again. 

And honestly, if I’m right and Bum actually swallowed the rat pills himself, then Sangwoo is thinking Bum was actually trying to kill himself and that is what spurred him even more into making these comments. 

20. l;earjgiejario;gejrogjreagpjrea’ fucking hell

This is more deranged when you know HIS MOM’S CORPSE IS LITERALLY BEHIND THE WALL IN THE LIVING ROOM HAHAHHAH. 

21. UhhhhHHHHHHHH

that...that ISN’T A GOOD THING THOUGH SANGWOO.  You'RE NOT DEALING WITH THE TRAUMA, YOU’RE JUST BURYING IT TO LET THE WOUNDS FESTER AND COME OUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY.  PLEASE SANGWOO.

“Why? How? I looked for the reason. And then I saw you. You might’ve been sprawled in the basement, but the fact that we were together made me feel relieved. And I’m even being loved! That makes me feel so strong. You wanted to know what you should do right? *kisses Bum’s wrist* I wonder if this is a good enough answer.”

...Honestly, I do not have the energy to parse out my thoughts on this matter. Not right now.  :’)

22. *rubs hand over face* And here comes the hard part

It actually is interesting that Sangwoo still kisses Bum despite the fact that he has been vomiting the whole day and didn’t actually brush his teeth.

He complained about Bum’s leg hair, so I would’ve expected Sangwoo to grimace and say that Bum was right. However, he didn’t. Actually, Bum’s reaction might’ve even made Sangwoo want to kiss him more (Bum blushing, obviously wanting to kiss, but trying to think of Sangwoo and worrying about being too gross). 

In a way, I do think this is all of Sangwoo’s way of trying to ensure Bum doesn’t leave him. He’s trying to ensure Bum doesn’t try to kill himself, to a point where he’ll give Bum some semblance of romantic love even if he himself doesn’t feel that. Because desperation to not be alone--to have someone who can love him unconditionally in the way he has never been loved--is different from truly want to be with someone.  

He’s using sex and romance as weapons to keep Bum, because he has never seen either used as anything healthy.

23. UggggghhhHHHHHHHHH

Honestly, the hardest part for me to go through is the sexual/romantic parts between Sangwoo and Bum.  😂  Because those are things that are supposed to only be between people who love, respect, and trust each other, and those two up there are so far from that those are not even an option for them. 

Like seriously, this was the part I was dreading reading, but I’m scared about missing a detail that’s important to the rest of the story.

And honestly, the thing that pains me the most is Bum’s response. He really loses himself whenever pleasure is involved. He is so low on feel-good neurotransmitters that he can lose himself in something like this and it really hurts because it makes everything so much worse and I’M DYING. 

24. *wheeze*

Okay, but this reaction actually made reading this less painful xD I’m dying for a different reason lol

So another poster did mention how this harkens to him most likely having a oral-based trauma. And considering how his mom did rape him before killing herself, this is a very, very likely possibility. 

I also don’t think this connects to him *ahem* “not being gay” because, honestly, getting a blow job doesn’t have to necessarily come from a female. Arguments can be made that a straight man can accept BJs from men. 

But either way, I frkkn agree with Sangwoo because Bum is SCARY. Like. Bum wanting to give Sangwoo a BJ honestly terrifies me too. And it cracks me up that Sangwoo genuinely looks unnerved and confused by Bum’s reaction, it’s hilarious. 

OH WAIT. 

Continuing on, Sangwoo allows Bum to touch his dick??  Huh. I dunno, maybe I just have a screwed perception, but touch seems like more...intimate than a BJ?  BJ has a more superior vibe to it that can easier objectify the giver. So Sangwoo refusing one does support more of the oral-trauma theory. 

25. Ooooh??

I think it’s really interesting that Koogi decided to not draw Sangwoo’s expression here. 

It really does seem like Sangwoo is only doing this because it’s a way to keep Bum with him. Later, as we see him get more sexual with Bum, we also see him lose more and more of himself to the trauma with his mom. 

26. Okay but this blush

Awh...he could’ve been such a cutie pie...:’)  Seriously, Sangwoo could’ve been such a good person, both him and Bum could’ve, so it really breaks me knowing that they couldn’t be.

Anyways, I don’t think this blush is in response to the hand job. I do think that the reason why Koogi didn’t show his expression is because Sangwoo was dissociating from the situation. Later, we see him confusing Bum with his mom during sexual moments, so I don’t even think Sangwoo enjoys sex with women. There is too much trauma for him to enjoy sex in general. If I’m correct (I might be able to see it more once we see Jieun), then Sangwoo can only have sex without dissociating if it’s violent and unhealthy. 

The moment he feels pleasure, his mind blanks out. The moment he feels happiness, he tries to destroy it. The moment he feels ‘normal’, his psyche breaks even further. And Bum makes it worse because--as you see here, he doesn’t actually pay attention to anything else but his own pleasure--and he takes things face-value so that he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences.  Bum is just as messed up as Sangwoo, only in a different way, so they both bring out the worst from each other. Which is difficult because the only time they can ‘feel’ the best is with each other. 

Anyways, I think this blush is because of what Bum said: “I wish we could mix together like this”...with...the sperm. God Bum, you’re killing me. 

Anyways, Sangwoo’s reaction is due more to the romantic aspect, with the thought of him and Bum being together forever. For that to happen, he’s willing to let his relationship with Bum be sexual despite how he can’t have a healthy sexual relationship. 

Yeah, okay, it was important for me not to skip that part, I can accept defeat. OTL

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 4

Oof.

1. Killing me softly

Ah, so...Sangwoo still puts Bum back into the basement. Which makes sense because it’s the only secure way to make sure Bum stays where he is while he’s out of the apartment. Now the question I want answered is whether, at this point, if Bum has to sleep there as well. 

Also, the fact that this song is playing...if I remember correctly, his mom used to love this song as well, that’s why he’s playing it. Since Bum is being locked in the same basement his mother used to be locked in and wearing similar clothes to his mom, it shows that Sangwoo is truly reenacting moments with his mom, the person who truly ruined him even more than his dad--yet, at the same time, was the only one he experienced love with.

2. Still dragging him up those stairs

Again, this does appear to seem indicative of Sangwoo’s balancing act. When bringing Bum up the stairs, he put his whole arm around Bum for support. And that was after soiling himself. Here, because he’s bringing Bum upstairs and giving him more access than any of his victims, so he has to treat Bum roughly to make sure Bum keeps himself in line and doesn’t get any ideas of hurting or escaping from Sangwoo.

3. This part was surprising to me

This was a tactic Sangwoo’s dad used against him and his mom, so the fact that Sangwoo is using this as well is driving home how he is emulating his father despite not wanting to be his father. His father probably also used the same reward-punishment system as his mom. THAT TABLE IS MOST LIKELY THE SAME EXACT TABLE HIM AND HIS MOM USED TO USE (I have this theory that Sangwoo could’ve eaten at the table with his dad, but his mom would beg him to eat on the floor with him so she wouldn’t be alone, so he sat with her). 

Later, he allows Bum to sit at the table, but only as a reward for ‘smiling’ and acting like he’s ‘in love’ with Sangwoo. So, had Sangwoo’s mom acted like that, the father would’ve treated them the same as well. 

Anyways, the fact that Sangwoo is emulating this...I’m not quite sure why he’s doing this to himself, this will have to be something I revisit. 

One thing that does come to mind is that this is the only relationship he has ever gotten to know about. He has no representation of a healthy love. Furthermore, he had to grow up ‘allowing’ this to happen because of how powerless he was and then, later, contribute to letting his occur in the household because he didn’t know what else to do. 

In a way, Sangwoo cannot forgive himself for that and believes he can never find forgiveness for that (and it gets worse because of how his parents died). The reason why he’s doing it is because he probably doesn’t believe he’s capable of being anything different. He so desperately wants to be, but he has no hope that he can do it.

4. “But I could tell...”

“...It wasn’t that he wasn’t doing anything, he was waiting for me to make a mistake. It’s as if he needs to punish me. He needs someone to be angry at. That look of his says everything. The moment he catches anything...he’ll hurt me.”

5. This innocuous wooden plank on the floor...

ACTUALLY, I LOOKED BACK AND I SAW THAT, EVEN BEFORE LETTING BUM UPSTAIRS, THE TABLE AND THE WOODEN PLANKS ON THE BOARD WERE ON THE FLOOR

Also!  In Chapter 2, Bum wakes up to a booming sound. So this is my theory: While Bum was downstairs chained and all, Sungwoo prepared everything upstairs for when he could bring Bum upstairs. He had a feeling that Bum would actually succeed, he was just waiting for Bum to prove it, that’s why he automatically had everything prepared so that the transition could happen naturally.

He knew already what he wanted to see with Bum moving forward, trying to confirm whether he could live a domestic life together. He hammered extra wooden planks, prepared a rolling chair that Bum could sit in, took out the goddamn table...

From what we could see in chapter 1, he didn’t seem to have the table there, but I can’t tell. Can’t tell whether there was a raised plank in the kitchen either.

6. So this does beg the question

Of whether or not Sungwoo actually does bring in women to kill, just like a classic serial killer. Bum has been downstairs in the basement, so he should know if Sangwoo brings down more women to kill, but the thing is we just haven’t been shown that as of yet. 

7. Interesting look into Bum’s psyche

It is interesting that Bum doesn’t actually go through with these. Argument can be made that it’s because, despite being a stalker and looking creepy as fuck, he is so much kinder than Sangwoo ever could be (versus Sangwoo, who is charming and handsome as fuck, but is the actual emulation of fearsome cruelty that people would expect from Bum instead).

I think it’s more complicated than that, but I have nothing to back it up at this point. Again, something to revisit.

Also, Sangwoo does seem to hate this side of Bum (honestly, I think this is why Sangwoo is drawn to him, but the more Bum shows he can’t be like Sangwoo, the more he truly does begin to hate this side of Bum), but if Bum wasn’t like this, then Sangwoo would’ve never been able to be with him in this way.

8. Well, we all know Bum wouldn’t actually do this

I think this is the way suicidal people use death as a comforting measure for themselves.  “Oh, at least I can die and escape this, so it’s okay.”  

Later, Bum is thinking to himself: I desperately searched for the best timing and plan. Because he doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to kill Sangwoo. So he’s desperately trying to find another way, even if it means suffering Sangwoo’s treatment longer.

9. *squints*

Interesting...assortment of shit, Sangwoo. 

10. Oh, that’s canon lol

I thought Bum being a good cook was a fanfiction thing, not actually canon xD Well, that’s definitely one way to get to Sangwoo’s heart. 

11. Why does Bum react this way

Seriously, it is interesting. Occam’s razor states that this is just Bum being naive, which is backed up with the way he stupidly almost gets himself caught by the police and is not connected to reality when he thinks how kind Sangwoo was for kissing him. 

But still, it’s like...Bum is doing this on purpose. This way of...giving himself away, it’s so obvious and self-sabotaging that it’s as if Bum is subconsciously trying to give himself away. It’s so weird.

In a way, I see Bum and Sangwoo both doing this self-sabotaging strategy, but in their own way. 

Sangwoo is following in his father’s footsteps despite not wanting to be him because he thinks he’s incapable of changing, so there’s no point in disappointing himself and dying even further--losing all sense of sanity for such a failure. Also so that he doesn’t have to actually deal with the pain of his trauma.

Bum is making his plans fall through the cracks and doing his best to keep himself detached from reality because he’s unable to connect all the things he truly wants. He wants the pain to end, but he also doesn’t want to let Sangwoo go completely because of the ‘what could be’.

They keep sabotaging themselves because that’s the only way they know how to treat themselves.

12. Again, most likely just Bum being naive and not knowing how to get away...

...But I think this is more or less Bum trying to send a subconscious warning to Sungwoo. It sounds like I’m making excuses and that it’s stupid, but I’m just...I dunno, there’s just something strange about Bum. I don’t think he’s this naive. I think he’s hopeless...at the very least, I think he’s acting this way because, just in case the plan falls through, his indecisiveness can act as an excuse to keep Sangwoo from killing him. 

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 3

1. Omg Koogi

jfc that was so fkkn misleading. xD I was going to have to recant my earlier statements about Sangwoo most likely not raping his victims once he gets to this point. 

But actually it is...so weird that Sangwoo is working out while Bum is there writhing in pain?? Like. Wtf Sangwoo. It’s like he’s trying his best to emulate a more...domestic, live-together type of situation, while making sure he is able to control Bum (i.e. keeping him in the basement).

This also does show once again that the reason for Sangwoo’s reaction here, while stemming from irritation over the noise, is also because he doesn’t like being reminded of how much of a monster he is.

2. Lol, second verse, same as the first 

Ah, see so Sangwoo really does torture them based off how they’re reacting.

3. Hmmm??

So, because Bum soiled himself, Sangwoo shows pity and...cleans him up?  Which I find strange. He could’ve just cleaned up the urine and let Bum marinate in the filth or whatever. But he actually takes it on himself to bring Bum upstairs and clean him. UPSTAIRS.  He could’ve just wiped Bum up at that point, because when he was pulling Bum upstairs, you see his urine dribbling on the floor, which Sangwoo didn’t get angry at him over, which is even further confusing (we later see him beating Bum up over breaking dishes so, what the heck here).

But seriously, Sangwoo showers him, gives him shampoo, and even gives in to clean Bum’s hair himself. I feel, if Bum reacted like a dead person (his mom) or screamed bloody murder (CEO girl) or even anything hateful, Sangwoo would’ve never done that. And here is where the Lima Syndrome begins.

4. You...you don’t have to shampoo his hair...?

Sangwoo doesn’t have to do take care of Bum like this. If he truly wanted Bum to go down stairs, then he really could’ve skipped the whole shampoo-ing thing. So it’s really strange that he’s doing this, just like how he was working out in the basement, staying there with Bum instead of going upstairs and leaving Bum there. 

Again, it’s like he’s trying to fake a romantic relationship while keeping Bum trapped where he is.

5. Honestly though, whether Bum knows it or not, this is a smart way to appeal to Sangwoo

Bum could do better, but the way Bum clutches at Sangwoo’s leg is a great way to appeal to Sangwoo, who wants to fake the domestic lifestyle. And what Bum complains about is not being cut or having his legs broken, which Sangwoo doesn’t want to be reminded of as it will break this illusion further, it’s the fact that Bum doesn’t want to be alone in the basement. 

He doesn’t beg to be let go or not to be hurt anymore--he’s begging to be out of the basement, but still with Sangwoo.

This also appeals to, what I think, Sangwoo has been trying to do by staying Bum in the basement with him. He was choosing not to leave Bum alone in the basement, so the fact that Bum was begging not to be left alone either kept the illusion between them intact, thus not triggering Sangwoo.

6. this moTHERFUCKER

sjogjeriogjs; this fkkn wry, smartass response of Sangwoo is so him. “I am inside”, this goddamn ASSHOLE. xD

7. Ooof the trembling

I love the way Koogi draws the borderline dangerously triggered Sangwoo’s eyes when Bum puts his arms around him. 

8. I...country whore??

Really, where did you even get this idea Sangwoo...

It’s as if he’s saying Bum is pretty this way, which...I get it, Bum is more feminine than masculine, but the fact that he finds Bum ‘attractive?’ in this...Sangwoo, you’re not homosexual, but you’re not that straight either.

9. Omg, this kills me

Even Bum is like “what the fuck are you saying, sir”

But yeah, I’m sure Bum was called this multiple times, specifically by his uncle, so you think he’d look more familiar rather than confused. Because in a sick, twisted way, it sounds like a compliment coming from Sangwoo. That there’s something remotely sexually enticing enough to be called a ‘whore’. But what about him does Sangwoo see to say that?

10. Yep, he passed Sangwoo’s test here

He purposefully left Bum there to see if he would try to crawl over to the door yelling for help. Even though Bum was the one begging to be upstairs, I’m sure that is also what Sangwoo wanted. But he can’t do that unless he can be sure that Bum doesn’t escape. 

So the fact that Bum didn’t do that means that Bum has graduated out of the basement. But the fact that Bum even made it that far is a testament to how different he was compared to Sangwoo’s others victims. Because Bum is so familiar with abuse, he knows better on how to appeal to abusers. 

I honestly don’t think Sangwoo has ever let anyone out of the basement before. So him ‘drawing that line’ is, in a way, him making a new boundary simply because Bum was able to do the impossible: make it out alive of the basement. He doesn’t know what to do with Bum but he’s, in a way, asking for Bum to keep passing so that they can be together. 

11. Lol, I don’t think that’s it

Now that I know how Sangwoo ends up, I don’t think Sangwoo is appreciating Bum’s smile because he feels ‘superior’. He knows that’s how he’s supposed to feel, so that is what he says. But the ‘something’ else is more accurate. Because none of his victims, after finding out who he was, ever smiled at him. They probably couldn’t smile on command even if they wanted to. Because, again, they’ve never faced the abuse Bum did, so that is why Bum is able to do something absolutely opposite to what he’s feeling inside. 

But yeah, no one but Bum has ever been able to smile at Sangwoo’s command. So that is why he feels ‘something’--akin to the pleasurable rush of being superior to someone.

Maybe...a desperate sort of relief. Because Bum truly might be able to stay with him until the end. 

12. OH. THE TREMBLING!!!!

oH SHIT WAIT we actually get an acknowledgement over Bum’s trembling in the same chapter WELP. 

 13. o;aejgo;serjgo;ierjg *WHEEZE*

EVEN BUM IS LIKE “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME” I’M--

But I love that Bum is self-aware of how fucking stupid that was. But it shows that he is so desperate for love that the moment someone says ‘I love you’, he’ll return it automatically because someone actually said it to him. Even though, right now, he has his mental faculties intact enough to realize that’s something he shouldn’t be saying, once he gets further into his stockholm syndrome, that will change. 

14. He has NO FUCKING BUSINESS BEING THIS CUTE SON OF A BITCH

No seriously, that puppy head tilt lol.

14. This is interesting

Again, we’re getting insight into what Sangwoo truly wants. 

In a way, him and Bum are in the same boat. Bum feels the only person who could ever love him is a domestic abusing serial killer, so he returns the “I love you”. In the same token, Sangwoo feels like the only person who could ever love him is a man--a ‘pathetic’ and ‘cowardly loser’ man at that--so he’s trying to fulfill the domestic vibe with Bum.

Also, this is why he treats Bum roughly when bringing him into the kitchen--a balancing act.

When he was bringing Bum up the stairs, he treated Bum gently...uh, as much as he could let himself anyways. He still wrapped an arm around Bum and supported him, making sure to go Bum’s pace so that they wouldn’t irritate Bum’s leg. That’s because he cut Bum’s collarbone and made Bum urinate himself. At that time, he was planning to have Bum return downstairs. So he even shampooed Bum’s hair because he was going to do something terrible to Bum later.

But now that Bum keeps passing Sangwoo’s test, he’s allowing Bum to stay out of the basement, but it’s tricky because that’ll give Bum this sense of hope to escape or for freedom. So, Sangwoo treated Bum roughly by carrying him up by his armpits and dragging him into the kitchen, because now he’s giving Bum a reward. 

15. Something to confirm

Ah, I think this echoes back to the puppy tilt Sangwoo did. That was the visual representation of curiosity towards Bum and here is the verbal acknowledgement of it. 

That kiss in chapter 2 was a confirmation of whether he could start something romantic with a man. This chapter is an exploration of whether he could truly have the calming, safe domestic vibes with Bum that’s supposed to be with a woman. Eventually, he’ll explore whether he can have sex with a man (if he hadn’t tried doing something sexual with Bum while he was fucking unconscious). If Sangwoo can say whether it feels ‘right’, then he’ll keep Bum with him.

But of course, to accomplish that, he has to make Bum completely and helplessly devoted to him, which is why the whole breaking of legs, “don’t cross the line past the stairs to the door”, and the rough way he treats Bum.

OH!

And the whole thing of saying “I love you” to Bum, making it seem like he was saying it the memory of his mother, rather than to Bum himself. That was another way to not only test Bum’s response, but to test himself and see how he’d react if Bum were to say it back. He wants to confirm if Bum could truly emulate the love that he wish his mother gave him (this will reflect back to future chapters, when Sangwoo will kill another woman, but before that saying “why couldn’t my mother loved me the way you love your son?”).

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 2

1. Oof

I’m sure, even after being told about this ‘relative’, Sangwoo kept it cool and didn’t tip off anything to the police, acting like “OH RIGHT MY RELATIVE THAT I HAVEN’T SEEN IN A FKKN DECADE”. It comes to show that he is incredibly calculating and intelligent, able to keep a facade on to an artform. This was probably something he has been able to do ever since he was a child, as we’ll later witness in his flashbacks.

Later Sangwoo says “you might as well have said you were my brother”, which is meaningful because Sangwoo doesn’t have one. So every relative Sangwoo knows is just as nonexistent as his nonexistent sibling.

2. I find this important to note

Bum obviously is prone to putting people on pedestals, only seeing them through the rose tinted glass he wants to see them in.

3. Why this though?

I find it very interesting that, because he doesn’t want to die, what he yells out is “I FELL IN LOVE!”  Why this? I’m sure he’s also used this an excuse for the others he has stalked (I wonder if Sangwoo ever realized that Bum also stalked women and how he felt about that), but it most likely never worked with them. 

Bum was just spouting whatever came to mind, so the fact that the word ‘love’ is what jumped out of him says a lot of how much it has been consuming his every being, even in the face of death.

4. s;jgio;sejro;gisejro;igerj wtf sangwoo

...I...well. I mean, it’s a great parallel, I think. Bum’s desperation for love making him yell that as his last words, while Sangwoo’s desperation for that same love making him stop in his tracks and even...fucking pet Bum???  I dunno, lonely or not, that wouldn’t be the first response of a completely not-gay-straight-as-an-arrow man. But obviously, Bum is a cutie pie and can appear feminine, which is why Sangwoo didn’t automatically kill him. If Bum looked like a ‘man’, then there would seriously be no saving Bum. 

And I’m sure Koogi meant to emphasize Bum’s feminine attractiveness in that petting panel, maybe as a way to show what Sangwoo was seeing. I love how it’s purely white and blank behind Bum, as Bum is all Sangwoo is seeing. The fact that it’s white rather than black can suggest that Bum could be a new beginning, something pure and untainted.

I do kinda wonder if Koogi had Sangwoo as straight as a way to mitigate the stigma against homosexuality???  As a way for her to say “just because the story is between two men doesn’t mean this is supposed to be representative of homosexuality itself”.

5. Wow, the whiplash of mood and quick thinking

Boy didn’t even fkkn hesitate to destroy Bum’s legs, goddamn. 

However, this does show that Sangwoo is very aware and his mental faculties are intact, even during times like these. You think he’d be fkkn furious and lose it, beating Bum to death automatically before Bum could even say anything. But Sangwoo doesn’t. The moment Bum says “love”, he stopped. He wasn’t in a haze of fury...maybe excitement (especially with that goddamn terrifying smile as Bum runs up the stairs), but even that was controlled. 

In away, Sangwoo just seems...tired. He’s moving only because he knows he has to. 

Also, the moment he says “not with your legs the way they are”, Sangwoo sees Bum the same way he has seen the women who’ve also been in the basement. The CEO daughter girl also had broken legs, so obviously the first thing he does is ruin their legs so they don’t run away...which...yeah, smart. I actually haven’t seen that even with Criminal Mind. xD

So that does show that Sangwoo seems really set in keeping his prey with him. Not to ‘chain’ them or anything, but to keep them from leaving him. 

6. Double homicide

Ooooh 3 years ago?? Okay this is interesting...conscription age is 18 (or 17 since Koreans add that one year). I’m confused because, technically, Bum should’ve met Sangwoo first in the military, then in his college days. So did Sangwoo go to military later at age 20?  Could be since his mom is...yeah. And his dad...sure. 

Also, Bum and Sangwoo are four years apart. So say that Sangwoo went to college first, so Bum met Sangwoo when he was 22...then while Sangwoo was 20 and Bum was 24, they went into the military later. Since Sangwoo is 24 now (or 25 in Korean age jfc), that means he was 21 when his parents were killed. 

Sangwoo also seemed to have needed to be discharged early, most likely because of his sick mom, which would explain also why he was in no position to befriend Bum. 

Anyways, so that means Bum knew Sangwoo and was in love with him for about 6 years.

7. Wow

No wonder Sungbae is like this. He sees the eyes of every person he chased in Sungwoo’s dead-eyed stare. But he’s actually wrong about this, lol. Sungwoo’s mom is the culprit, technically, even though she was also a vicitm.

8. UHHHHHHH

HEY, SANGWOO, HEY, WHY IS BUM FKKN NAKED TO HIS UNDERWEAR WHAT THE HELL. WHY DID YOU UNDRESS HIM SANGWOO. HEY.  

Oh my god, wait, was that really Bum’s underwear or did Sangwoo put that on him??

Also, wow, Bum’s hips. He seriously has a feminine body. Like...pear body shape lol. 

Also, seriously, Sangwoo is treating Bum right off the bat like the other women. Rather than completely heterosexual, Sangwoo is more demisexual. And rather than femininity, he more prefers ‘weaker’ bodies, so that he doesn’t feel threatened by them. That is automatic towards females. 

9. Hmmmmn....

Ah, for this to be the first thing you fucking wake up to, jesus christ. xD

I wonder though, why did Sangwoo cut her hair short? There’s probably multiple reasons for it...but one theory I would find interesting is that it’s because he met Bum. 

Maybe he wanted to see how she looked like with a male haircut, how it would look like and compare how it felt like to see a pretty girl beside a pretty boy. He compared the two physically and made his decision that Bum was worth more than her.

I really do find it interesting that Sangwoo truly chose Bum over her, despite her being voluptuous and beautiful and actually a woman, which...you know...important for het men right. 

But Sangwoo chose Bum because even though Sangwoo went straight to beating him with a goddamn bat, Bum yelled “I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU”.

If the choice was between what’s between the person’s legs vs the person themselves, Sangwoo will choose the person.

10. Interesting insight

Into why Sangwoo killed her and his thought process.  Again, interesting, the fact that he kept emphasizing how stupid she was. 

Her screaming for help and stuff is a very natural reaction and no one should ever blame her for that. But, for Sangwoo, it was ridiculous because she should’ve known that would piss him off more rather than make him feel guilty. 

Part of it is how he learned to survive growing up--by reading his parents’ moods and figuring out how to respond. And on a smaller scale, how to respond to other people so that they see nothing but a charming, handsome man. The fact that she can’t even do 1/100th of that is fucking infuriating...and on a personal level, I can understand that frustration.

The other part is that her begging for mercy is obviously NOT what he wants. He wants someone like Bum, who’ll respond to him with loyalty and desire. Who won’t be afraid of him and will still stay to ease his loneliness. 

11. Uh

What kind of half-baked excuse was this, bro. You spared him only because of what he yelled out to you and you just don’t want to admit it to yourself...or maybe just don’t want to say it to Bum, so that you can control him better.

12. Women have hair too, asshole

Sangwoo really does try to feminize Bum throughout the whole story. So obviously, yes, his instinct is more hetero. If Bum were burly like a guy rather than delicate like a girl, there would be no saving him. Sangwoo has his preferences. And Bum fits the most important aspect--and that most important part isn’t Bum’s genitalia.

I also do think it has to do with social construct. Sangwoo most likely grew up internalizing misogynistic and homophobic belief systems, whether or not those are what he truly agreed with.

13. The first time Sungwoo snaps

Notable to mention that it’s because he sees Bum trembling in fear of him. Sangwoo doesn’t like being reminded of the monster he is. He doesn’t take pleasure in it. But because he knows that he’s unforgivable and can’t go back, he just makes the situation worse by further slipping into the skin of a monster.

Honestly, this might be more indicative towards what he witnessed with his father. He’s emulating his father’s qualities because he knows that he’s no better than him, and can’t handle that fact. He’s also locking up his women THE SAME WAY HIS FATHER DID TO HIS MOM. 

But, honestly, I think it’s because his mom is just as bad as his dad, that’s why he’s doing the same things as his dad.

14. You beat the girl

This is indicative of the fact that Sangwoo would be willing to be with Bum despite being a guy. And also suggests that, again, he really was comparing them and decides that Bum, with all his ‘loser’ like qualities, is still worthier than her. Heterosexual first, but demisexual overall.

And again, I think he’s doing the same things he has seen his father has done, pouring the food over Bum’s face like that.

15. First reward

Ah, here comes the training. 

Also, I can see how differently Bum responds compared to every single person he’s seen, including his mom. They all will feel humiliated and resentful, hateful towards Sangwoo, seeing him as a monster, or being completely defeated. But Bum, instead, responds exactly the opposite. This is exactly why I think Sangwoo decides to kiss Bum. 

Because, despite Sangwoo calling him a retard, that is exactly what Sangwoo wanted to see (but at the same time, not...Sangwoo doesn’t want someone as messed up as Bum, but he knows that only someone as messed up as Bum can be with him, and more than anything, he doesn’t want to be lonely). 

If Bum reacted with fear rather than desire, Sangwoo would’ve never kissed Bum.

This is also a huge catch-22 that will end up blowing up on both of them. Bum reacting like this will make Sangwoo feel better about his actions and like he was able to find the person who’ll be able to accept him for who he is. But in the long term, it will reinforce this behavior and truly make him into his father. It will also keep him from truly dealing with his past. 

16. Oh goddamn

Great insight into Bum’s mentality.  It’s amazing, also, that he sees this as a sign of ‘dating’.

What I find telling is that Bum is thinking this DESPITE SEEING PROOF OF HIM BEING A MURDERER. I do get that it could be from his dissociation from real life, so he doesn’t quite understand what is going on. But at the same time, really, if Sangwoo treated Bum better, then Bum would’ve been absolutely fine with him being a serial killer and even join him. I honestly do believe Bum is more of a natural-born murderer than Sangwoo (though Sangwoo is probably more of a natural asshole lol).

17. Why are you also mentioning the word date!?!?

And I’m not sure if Sangwoo senses that those are Bum’s thoughts, but he also is thinking about dating in this context??

I can see how Sangwoo could’ve ‘read’ his prey and responded in a way that would’ve messed with their heads, but at the same time, it could be that Sangwoo is looking at this situation in just as much a twisted way as Bum is. But rather than Bum’s “I’m disgusting, yet he’s kissing me” mentality, he’s more likely thinking “Kissing him isn’t disgusting, so he passes round 3″ (round 1 is the first time with the bat, round 2 is the one where he kills the girl instead of Bum).

The thing is, since Sangwoo didn’t find Bum’s kisses disgusting, it reinforces his desperation to keep Bum with him. If he didn’t like kissing Bum, then I truly believe Bum would’ve died right here and now.

Also, interesting: “You’ll be the only one that ends up hurt, you know?”  So, obviously, Bum having one working leg increases his chances of escape. So this is Sangwoo’s way of saying ‘if you escape, then I’ll make sure to hurt/kill you because of that’.

18. Here comes the sledgehammer

This is an interesting parallel. Looking back at chapter 1, it also seems like only one of the girl’s legs are broken, like how Bum’s leg was after falling down the steps. 

So to keep the girl from escaping, Sangwoo just most likely tied her up. It’s not full-proof and it limits her movements, but Sangwoo probably doesn’t give a shit because with how she’s acting, she wasn’t going to live much longer. 

But for Bum...with Bum, he’s planning to let him live much longer. He doesn’t want to restrict Bum’s movements because that makes him less appealing. Instead, Sangwoo takes it personally--takes it upon himself--to actually break Bum’s legs. This is a much more permanent fixture, reflecting how he’s planning to keep Bum with him for a much longer time. 

Also, now that I’m looking at this, I think Sangwoo doesn’t actually rape his victims. Yeah, he has molested the girl’s dead body, but I think that’s more of a curiosity towards a dead body than actual sexual interest. It’s natural after seeing his mom’s corpse in front of him and all that...screwed up as fuck jazz lol. 

I think he has sex with them in the beginning and that’s probably when he snaps because...his mom raped him, so. After that, he tortures them according to their reaction to him. But he probably doesn’t actually touch them more than that. In the case of hypersexuality, Bum fits this much more than Sangwoo does at this point. Sangwoo seems to just use it as a weapon, while Bum does it because he wants to be fucked. 

This makes sense because it seems like Sangwoo was raped once by his mom and probably molested the other times, while Bum was frequently raped.

Furthermore, Bum--as we’ll later see--is most likely the only one he truly does rape. 

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 1

1. Bum, you fucking creep x’D

2. ‘Love’

Hmn, I find it interesting...Bum tends to be hailed as 'better’ for refusing to kill like Sangwoo, but the thing is, Bum is only able to do things so long as there is a ‘barrier’ that keeps him from having to acknowledge his actions. If he can’t excuse his actions, then he remains indecisive about things, despite wanting to do something. In the end, when he refuses to kill Sungbae despite Sangwoo’s life being in danger, I honestly feel like Bum would’ve been able to do it had Sangwoo treated him better at the end. 

Point is, Bum refusing to kill others is not due to being more morally upright than Sangwoo. If he’s unable to look through a situation with rose-tinted glasses, then he’s unable to go through with it. Honestly, he’d be scarier than Sangwoo if he could be more confident in himself. 

3. Timeline A

4. Timeline B

5. Timeline C

‘He knew my circumstances’--WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?!?!?

6. Sungbae

7. Lol, this man’s intuition

8. Cousin

9. Omg, man, no sense of remorse at all, huh

10. Oh, I get it

He means that he doesn’t smell any evidence of sex or a girl being here for long-term.

11. ;sigjseoigj SUNGWOO WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT

12. Wow, Sungbae here super familiar with the eyes of a murderer lol

13. Hmmn, interesting

Why did Sangwoo leave the key in the lock??  Is that usual for him or was he in a hurry and ended up having to leave it there (or even forgot about it)??  If that’s the case, then the fact that he forget the key there on the first day Bum breaks in is...pretty much like fate lol.

[ksbwnotes]

Pin to myself that even though KS is going to be incredibly difficult for me to get through, I'm pulled towards the story for a reason and I want to read the story properly to see why I'm being pulled towards it.