kudojin

[kudojin]

In a Beautiful World

Yozo was born in a beautiful world, yet was blinded from that beautiful world. He hid his self and pleased his peers so no one would know his truth.

Yozo showed the truth to the world but it wouldn’t accept his lonely truth. They told him “this way!” and sent him away and he’d never again see the world.

Ushimatsu was born to the same world yet he was forced to hide from that world. His father was strong, but told him what was wrong and gave him a command, just one.

Ushimatsu broke his fathers command, and showed the world his hidden self. They said he’s no one, and he had to run far from the world that was home.

I live in their very same world, and I hid myself from that world. The unbearable pain made me display and now I pray I’m not them.

A poem about some of the feelings that went through me about a while ago when I... well if you've been following me you'd know. There are two references in this poem that I don't expect you guys to get. Firstly - Yozo is referring to Oba Yozo (大庭葉蔵), the main character of Dazai Osamu's novel "No Longer Human". Secondly - Ushimatsu is referring to Segawa Ushimatsu (瀬川丑松), the main character of Shimazaki Toson's novel "The Broken Commandment". Those are very significant references, and I wish I could sum up the story of each of those novels in a paragraph or two. But I can't. They both are about people who had to hide either their true selves or something about themselves from the rest of the world for whatever reason. Even that description doesn't give those two novels justice, I do strongly recommend you read them. This is the first time in a loooong time that I've written free verse... oh I hope it turned out well. ^_^;

[kudojin]

Home

I have now come home.

Even you were very missed,

tiny little ant.

I'm visiting family in Hiroshima right now, the city I was born in and the city I always visited during summer vacation when I was a kid. Damn it feels good to be here. I honestly didn't think I'd be this happy to be back here, so I kind of just put all that feeling into this haiku. No Japanese version for this one, I was in the process of writing it but I just couldn't settle on something that I liked. Maybe I'll do a Japanese version later on, I dunno, but for now this.

[kudojin]

Truth (真実)

真実は　空気を読めば　光りだす。

Truth is something where,

when you read between the lines

it will start to shine.

Wow, I found this poem I wrote in the form of a haiku while looking through old video scripts for something I was thinking of doing over a year ago and never got to. I didn't even title it then, and the translation I originally had didn't fit the haiku format that I've been taught. So I changed the translation and added a title. Hope you all like it!

[kudojin]

Mask

I titled this piece "仮面", meaning "Mask". A short poem I wrote. I'm in the process of trying to do something that's turning out to be far more difficult than I imagined, and this is what that's about. I wrote it very quickly as a way to express my current feelings. It might not be the best but I just want to get it out there. I wrote it in the form of a chōka. I don't know why I chose this form, I just instinctively wrote it in that form for some reason.

仮面には　隠されきれぬ　裏の顔　それに心を　封じられ　開放求め　表に出よう。 My mask contains what I long to hide from others, my true, inner face. My spirit remains sealed by this wretched mask. Longing for release from it, I step into the open.

[kudojin]

Banging

This does involve a scene of emotional abuse so... yeah... you've been warned. This specific story is fictional, but it's based off of something that would actually happen from time to time when I was growing up. But yesterday I stumbled across a song by a Japanese YouTuber that pulled me back to that part of my life. Normally I try to suppress and ignore the memories when it does happen. It's something that I absolutely hate remembering and I wish I could just forget about it as if it never happened. But this time I decided to write it into a short story. 

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I covered my ears at the unbearable sound, closing my eyes so I couldn’t see the sight that was in front of me. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to get as far away from this place as I could. But I couldn’t leave this place. God only knew what would happen if I tried, and I didn’t want to take any chances.

Slowly I crept open my eyes, shakily glancing towards the source of the sound. There stood a man. A man who was supposed to protect me, to teach me, and be there for me when I needed help. I stared at his red forehead as he held both hands up to the wall. His eyes were closed tight and he was gritting his teeth as he cried out in pain.

I froze, unable to move a muscle. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t say anything. All I could do was stare as the man moved his right hand to his forehead and rubbed it, before putting the hand back on the wall. I saw his head swing backwards one more time, and I closed my eyes.

Bang! Bang! BANG! BANG!

NO. I didn’t want this. All I did was say I didn’t like something he was doing, I didn’t want any of this. I couldn’t bare to watch the man who had taught me so much, who had raised me until now, who had let me make friends back where I was born, do this. I wanted to yell at him, to make him stop. But I couldn’t. I had tried before, and he just wouldn’t stop. There wasn’t anything that I could do to escape from this hell.

“Please, stop.” said a feminine voice. I peeked open me eyes to see my mom, her eyes wide, her mouth open, her voice shaking. “You don’t have to do this.” The man glared at her, a dark fire in his eyes.

“NO! I MUST PUNISH MYSELF!” snarled the man.

Having lived through this for 12 years now I knew what was coming next. I tried to look away, but it was too late. The man’s head reeled back, and went slamming straight into the wall. The loud banging was back. I closed my eyes tightly, completely ignoring the aches that rocked through my face. It was nothing compared to the overwhelming feeling of fear that I felt.

“no, you... you don’t have to do this... please stop...” My whimpering went unnoticed.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

I cowered in my corner, still unable to bring myself to open my eyes. I heard sounds in the background, a soft scream. I guessed that was my sister, probably hiding out in the bedroom, away from the horror scene playing out over here. I wished I was there too, away from this mess. I wished that I could just wake up and have this all be just a bad dream, but this was reality, and I couldn’t escape from it no matter how hard I tried.

Suddenly the banging stopped. I peeked open my eyelids, just a little. Enough to where I could see through a slit. I saw my mom standing between the man and the wall. She held his shoulders with all of her strength, stopping him from doing what he was doing. Her eyes still wide, she started speaking in her exasperated voice.

“We get it. Please, stop this.” she said, breathing deeply between each sentence.

“Fine!” A wave of relief went through my body as those words left the man’s mouth. I couldn’t bare the thought of the man ending up in the hospital, I cared about him too much. Every time he did this, I just wanted to make sure that he didn’t hurt himself. But he kept doing it anyway. And each time I feared for him. I didn’t want anything to happen to him, and yet he made sure that this happened regularly. But I didn’t have to worry about that now. It was over, at least for the time being.

Finally, I was able to open my eyes and look straight at the man. I don’t know what I hoped to see, but it wasn’t what I saw. I saw his forehead red from each hit it had taken, and his teeth gritted as he rubbed his head. I didn’t want this to be what I saw, but that was the sight that I was greeted with. The man looked at me, his cold glare piercing through my body as if an I was hit by a blizzard.

“There. Are you happy now?” And with that, my words were stolen from me. Nothing I could say could make anything better anymore. My heart sank to the floor and a pit opened in my stomach. After all, the man had done this because I had told him I didn’t like something he was doing. I couldn’t help but think, had this all somehow been my fault? Maybe I shouldn’t have told him what I was thinking, maybe I should’ve just shut up and taken it. If I had just done that, then he definitely wouldn’t have been doing any of this.

It was an all-too familiar feeling. Every time something like this happened I felt it. And I hated it. But I didn’t know how to stop it, even the smallest of things would set the man off into another one of these fits. I didn’t know what to do. I try to be careful, but trying to be constantly on guard for this was exhausting. I couldn’t keep it up, and it was in my moments of weakness that I slipped up and triggered the man’s fits.

I opened my mouth to speak. I didn’t know if I could make it better, if I could somehow undo the mistake that I had made. But I had to at least try.

“Dad, I’m sorry...”

[kudojin]

春風 - Spring Wind

背から押し、前に進むは、春の風

Pushing from behind, and moving ever forward is the wind of spring.

A haiku I wrote for a writing excercise at a meeting at my university's writing club. I'm really happy with how the Japanese turned out, but a bit iffy on the English translation. But hey, I really like it and wanted to share, so here it is! Japanese title is 春風 (harukaze), meaning "Spring Wind". xD

[kudojin]

雨 - Rain

雨降るが、

それが告ぐのは

次期の晴れ。

It may be raining,

but that foretells to us the

coming of the sun. ----------------------------------------- This is a short little haiku I wrote for a group on DeviantArt. I thought I’d post it here too. Hope you like it!

[kudojin]

Sea of Trees

It was a fine evening with the golden sunset slowly drifting under the horizon. In this sunset, a man carrying a large backpack was hiking through a forest. The forest shined under the sunset even as the light grew dimmer and dimmer. When one reached a clearing, you could see the beautiful snow-capped mountain above the forest. Truly, this place was a marvel of nature, one that many people might want to come see.

Yet this hiker traveled through this marvel, with a blank expression. He paid no attention to the beauty of his surroundings. The fresh smell of the greenery, the tranquil sounds of the forest, the gorgeous view of the sky and mountain, none of it concerned him. He simply hiked with a blank expression, showing no emotion, as if he had no care for this world at all. The path he traveled was hard with no visible trail. He was just walking through the forest, stepping over rocks, making his way through a place where people rarely traveled.

As he continued his journey through the twists and turns of the forest, he held a shining white tape that unraveled behind him. Sometimes he tied it to a tree, making sure it always passed through where he had just been. If one were to follow this tape back, one would eventually find themselves at a paved trail, one that was much easier to travel through. This man didn’t even look back towards the path as he continued. However, leaving the tape had become automatic to him. He barely thought about it.

Instead he thought about his life and how it had gotten to this point. He thought about his so-called friends who had abandoned him as people at his school teased him for the most ludicrous of things. He thought about his teachers who had ignored what was happening to him as they either didn’t care, didn’t know, or didn’t want to know. His grades also went through his mind as he had recently bombed a midterm exam which he couldn’t afford to fail. Finally, he thought of his parents who he had continued to disappoint at every turn of his life, and who had made their disappointment in their first-born son very clearly known to him. These thoughts entered the man’s head and lingered throughout the journey.

As the man continued through the forest, he came across was a tree with a branch above his head. Under it, one could see a series of flowers along with hand-written notes. Some read “We miss you”, while others read “I’m sorry”. The man saw these items, yet he continued through the forest. His gaze still blank and uncaring. It was almost as if the items hadn’t phased him.

The sun fell under the horizon and darkness swept over the forest. The man could barely make out what was in front of him, which made him finally stop at a nearby tree. It was short, but tall enough that you would need something to stand on to reach the branches. Under this tree, the man set down his backpack and took out a portable stool. It wasn’t too sturdy, but it would probably hold his weight, at least for a short while. He gripped tightly the next item he took from his backpack, for this was the last hope that he had left. It was a sturdy rope.

A tear ran down his face as he tied it into a noose.

[kudojin]

Cannibals and Butchers

The searing heat didn’t stop anyone from gathering in Liberation Square. Fifty years ago, at this very place, humanity signed a treaty with the Werewolves, finally giving them their own country. It was after a brutal and bloody war that lasted nearly a decade. In spite of the odds, humanity had prevailed and, in the process, liberated themselves from their old lives as slaves to the Werewolves. That was something that every human being could be proud of.

That was also why there was an angry crowd in the square. People from all walks of life had gathered here for one single purpose: to voice their outrage at the Werewolves. They waved bright red flags with the golden silhouette of a person on it. Banners flew above people’s heads, reading everything from “Defend humanity!!” to “No Fleabags!” After what the Werewolves had done, there was no human being that could sit idly and do nothing. Something had to be done.

The crowd started slowly and steadily making their way down the streets of the city, followed closely by a small number of police officers. The crowd’s chants reverberated through the streets. “This is our planet!” “Return our land!” “Time for war!” “Put them down!” They didn’t care that they took up the entire road. They didn’t care that they were causing massive traffic disruptions. They didn’t care because this affected the entire human race. Whatever they had to do to protect their race, they would do it, no matter the cost. If that meant causing trouble to others, so be it. This was a matter that concerned the very existence of mankind.

As the crowd moved through the streets, they noticed a single car parked neatly on the side of the road. The logo on the front, placed there by the company that made it, was a stylized wolf head: the logo of the largest car company owned by Werewolves, the logo of a company that belonged to the enemy.

The crowd’s rage couldn’t be contained. One man approached the car, picking up a stick from the ground as he did so. He started banging the windows as hard as he could, obviously trying to break them. Someone else in the crowd joined in, picking up a rock and smashing the bonnet with it. One more person joined in, and then another. Soon the entire crowd was fixed on destroying this one car.

Rocks flew, glass shattered, metal bent, and gas leaked. Police gave warnings but the crowd ignored them. By the time the crowd was done, there wasn’t much of a car left. It lost all its windows. Its engine was exposed. Its doors had been torn off. Its seats had been ripped to shreds. Its tires were just gone. The crowd cheered at the sight of this destroyed car. They cared not about whoever owned it. As far as they were concerned the owner deserved it. Whoever it was, they shouldn’t have bought a car made by Werewolves. 

Now, with the car made by the enemy thoroughly obliterated, the crowd’s slow march down the street resumed. It was only a short while later that they came across a mall, a mall run by a company owned by a Werewolf, a front that the enemy used to make money that they could then funnel into their war machine. Wooden boards stopped anyone from getting inside. Typical Werewolf cowardice. They didn’t want to face the consequences for what they had done. The crowd wouldn’t let the Werewolves get away with any of this though. The Werewolves could try anything they wanted but there was nothing would keep them safe from humanity’s wrath.

People in the crowd took turns charging at the wooden boards, turning their bodies into biological battering rams. But this time, the police had had enough. An officer ran between the crowd and the mall, yelling at them to stop. It didn’t even take a second for someone to run straight at the wooden boards, not caring about what the officer was saying. Before the man could reach the boards, the officer grabbed him keeping him from getting any closer to the mall. In response the crowd roared, furious that a fellow human would dare do anything to defend the Werewolf menace.

“LET HIM GO! LET HIM GO! LET HIM GO!” The crowd chanted in unison, making their feelings more than clear to the police. The officer didn’t budge. Instead he started to get his handcuffs out. The chant quickly turned into something darker.

“CANNIBAL! CANNIBAL! CANNIBAL! CANNIBAL! CANNIBAL!”

Being called what amounted to a traitor to the human race didn’t phase this officer. He simply got ready to detain this man.

A single rock flew through the air. It crashed into the officer's face, sending him flying backwards and leaving a trail of blood on the ground. He glanced around in a failed attempt to figure out who threw the rock. Another rock zipped towards him, smashing into his abdomen and sending him back to the ground. And then another. Other officers rushed in, trying to save their colleague from this mass stoning, only to be met with another hail of rocks. They managed to pull their colleague out and away from danger, being pelted by rocks the whole time.

Police called in reinforcements, and it wasn’t long before a riot team arrived in full gear. But this didn’t phase the crowd either. They continued throwing rocks at the police and even started throwing anything else they could get their hands on at them: poles, sticks, empty cans, anything and everything that they could find. There was no stopping the crowd’s rage.

The blistering summer sun didn’t stop a crowd from gathering at Memorial Square. Fifty years ago the humans had won their independence and this was a memorial to those brave Werewolves that had died defending their homeland. Yet, as solemn a memorial as this was intended to be, there was a large and rowdy crowd gathered here. They waved flags that featured a white circle on a dark blue background, the flag of the Werewolves. They carried banners that read many things, everything from “Defend Lycandom!” to “Meatbags Get Out!” Lycans from all walks of life had gathered here for one single purpose: to voice their outrage at humanity. After what humanity had done there was no Lycan that could sit idly. Something had to be done.

After a while the crowd started moving. They marched down the streets, slowly but steadily, surrounded by a small number of police officers. Their chants boomed everywhere they went. “This is our planet!” “Defend our land!” “Time for war!” “Put them down!” The crowd didn’t care how much of the road they took up or any other problems that they could possibly be causing. Whatever the cost was, it was worth making their scathing rage known to the entire world. Humanity had crossed a line, a line that no Lycan should ever tolerate.

As the crowd marched, they came across a single man in the road. He was one of the few humans living in the country of the Lycans, and he held up a sign that read “Humanity will prevail!” The crowd rushed at him. Police raced to protect him, managing to get there just before the crowd. Had police been a femtosecond late, then no one could have known what happened to the man. Police held off the crowd as they escorted the man to a safe place. But as they did that, the crowd grabbed at the police, pulling and shoving officers as they tried to get through to the man. Police stood firm, but the crowd didn’t let up.

“TRAITORS! YOU DEFEND AN ENEMY OF ALL LYCAN KIND!!”

The cry only grew louder and louder. Even after the man was escorted away, the crowd kept lunging at police. A hand smacked an officer in the face, though it was hard to tell if this was intentional or not because of the chaos. Even so, the officer that got hit grabbed the hand and pulled the person who hit him towards himself, taking his handcuffs out as he did so. When the crowd saw what was happening, they went into a frenzy.

“BUTCHERS! BUTCHERS! BUTCHERS! BUTCHERS! BUTCHERS!”

The chant only grew louder and louder. When the police didn’t stop, the crowd ran towards them in a single, massive wave. Police tried to hold the crowd off, but they struggled against the mass of people that kept pushing at them. Eventually, reinforcements were called and police in riot gear arrived on the scene.

But even when the riot police came, the crowd kept lunging at them, completely undeterred. When the crowd approached the police, some people would reach out unsuccessfully trying to grab the police’s riot gear. Everytime they failed, the police forced the crowd to move back a few meters. After a while the crowd would lunge at police again, trying the same thing. This cycle repeated itself a few times, then suddenly there was a long pause.

Riot police and the crowd just stared each other down for a good half-hour or so. The police repeatedly demanded that the crowd disperse, but these orders were completely ignored. After a while, riot police started threatening to use force to disperse them. As soon as this threat was made, the crowd changed.

Suddenly, the massive wave of people charged straight at riot police. The crowd was not going to listen to them anymore.

The searing heat didn’t stop anyone from gathering in Liberation Square. Fifty-one years ago, at this very place, humanity signed a treaty with the Werewolves, finally giving them their own country. It was after a brutal and bloody war that lasted nearly a decade. In spite of the odds, humanity had prevailed and, in the process, liberated themselves from their old lives as slaves to the Werewolves. That was something that every human being could be proud of.

That was also why there was an angry crowd in the square. People from all walks of life had gathered here for one single purpose: to voice their outrage at the Werewolves. They waved bright red flags with the golden silhouette of a person on it. Banners flew above people’s heads, reading everything from “Defend humanity!!” to “No Fleabags!” After what the Werewolves had done, there was no human being that could sit idly and do nothing. Something had to be done.