kuhiman-blog

[kuhiman-blog]

you see, that’s the thing about me. no matter how hard I try, I will never make anyone happy, including you, including myself, but foremost you.

[kuhiman-blog]

today my shadow is flat on the asphalt

the sun is right above me

and right above you, too

you’re thinking of ways to make yourself busy

and i’m looking for ways not to get messy

still, the sun is burning right through me

it has no mercy

fuck, i wish we are not apart

i am always scared of you leaving

and you’re mad when im grieving

you looked cruel and i do too,

the world is also cruel and so is love

but nothing in this world is easy

oh god, i miss you

damn, i fucking miss you.

[kuhiman-blog]

to some people falling in love is the most beautiful thing in your life. but for me, unfortunately, it is the scariest thing ever. i am broken, you would have to pick my pieces up one by one and i assure you it will hurt. it hurts me too but i’ve been hurt my whole life but not you. you’ve been happy and i made you miserable. i fueled you with my doubts and that what makes you mad. getting love, for me is so rare that i do not know how to take care of it. but i know with all my heart, my doubts, my anxiety, and just me in general would be the reason behind how everything ends. including relationships. that is why, i don’t really deserve love. i blame myself every night because i feel sorry for you. that you ended up with me, had to put up with me. i am so hard to love, but i love so hard. if only you could read into my brain, then you would know what is wrong with it, and that is how you’d probably understand. but you can’t, so i pressed down all of my wounds and say “i am sorry i disappointed you, i love you”. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry. and i mean every each one of them, and more.

[kuhiman-blog]

Talent: overthinking

[kuhiman-blog]

how nice it would be having someone that loves you even on the days you don’t love yourself

[kuhiman-blog]

you out of all people you, are the one that i hope to understand me the most but i know that would be too much to ask for.

[kuhiman-blog]

You’re not in love with me, not really, you just love the way I always made you feel. Like you were the centre of my world. Because you were. I would have done anything for you.

Abby McDonald, Getting Over Garrett Delaney (via wordsnquotes)

[kuhiman-blog]

sometimes in life, you have to bleed over and over again for the ones you hold most dear. And you will think that it is okay because it is, some people deserve that kind of mercy and those people are the ones you have to hold closely with patience and your two weak arms.

and for those who don’t deserve it, sometimes it is okay to let them bleed and save yourself a time for your wounds to heal before taking any more damage to those wounds they created. some people that think about nothing but themselves, people that give you a bucket of water instead of the sea you deserve, the people that don’t appreciate your good intentions.

and for those in between, you just have to give it time. they will show their truest selves and by then you will know where to put them; to trust their different ways of loving you or to know that they’re taking you for granted.

[kuhiman-blog]

something’s always off about September how the rain is burning, but the sun is forgiving September makes me remember of the anomaly of season and for me, loving this funny old dull pain punching the walls, painting black and blue loneliness can change you, you know but that night my phone rang, it never did that hesitation I heard within your voice you hid you weren’t being cold, you were afraid because yours is a heart nothing could ever aid and mine is an active battlefield but that phone call was a start where two hearts counterpart.

[kuhiman-blog]

Highway Session

I was driving out of town with a big car the wheel felt heavy and the roads were empty it was dark, but still I went about 120 on the dark, empty road I felt my doubts lingering on each song I played I always find something hollow in between the lyrics, the breathing gap, the melody and in that hollowed hole I would feel you whisper, “I am tired of you, you are a burden.” at 12 am the moon created a dimmed illusion of a home and there I saw you, smiling a smile that keeps me from sleeping, that keeps me from leaving, that makes me lie awake, burning. your hands were trying to reach mine; which were on the wheel I pulled my hands off of it and reached your hand the car dropped out of sight, it was a wreck I knew it was going to happen, and I let it anyway ‘cause I am already a wreck, but that also shows how much I need you.

[kuhiman-blog]

Don’t make yourself hard to get because no one will ever fight for you. You are just an unattractive boy that got nothing on you but your fucking needy attitude. People will find better roses, but you are just a dandelion, growing wild and will not be noticed. Maybe that’s why you try being kind. Because that’s the best you could do to make people stay for a while. Understanding others, putting your highest level of toleration, letting yourself bleed,  and screams to yourself instead of hurting the ones you cherish. Though you will not get as much as what you give, at least you can have a little taste of happiness. And you thought it’s the best you can get. But it is not. You’re still hoping it is not.  - For I have confessed, 2017

[kuhiman-blog]

Do you know where are we going? This smooth paved road we’ve been cursing to all night How our time never matches How I’ve been waiting but all I can say is that I’m okay We’ve been circling on the same constellation But never have touched a brighter star than the dark hole If you’ve been positive about this smooth paved road, baby Do you see any green grass growing on it? Because I don’t I don’t see a hope that I could grasp I don’t see a flower that doesn’t wither We wouldn’t have the chance to hold our fears and color them other than black and white I am risking my doors open, but baby you never come through I’ve been seeding this smooth paved road but we know flowers will never bloom here I know, we are trying But the ashes on our cigarettes are piling up We think all night on how we could be together How sometimes I want to be the first to ask “how was your day?” And I know it wouldn’t make sense Because this smooth paved road is too long And it leads nowhere Baby, do you know where are we going?

[kuhiman-blog]

the midnight lover

do you know how deep is the sea? maybe you do from the way you think of how the earth is round and the sky is blue but baby, we know no secrecy we’re fully clothed, but were plain and naked we bathed but we’re covered with blood and dirt And that's what I like about you you said god is a woman and I like the way you think you said my name and I swore myself, I’d love you but I hate being in love. But the ripped off shirt, the talks until 4, the blonde hair, the midnight lover how you puffed and scuffed off of insomnia while it crawled for 4 years so you have to keep yourself from being tired or you need to start over and I like late night talks while pointing at the sky with bottles of soda beside us like the cigarettes between our fingers and the color of the dusk you telling me stories about your first kiss and me with my insecurities risking my wounds to be exposed and your edelweiss but here’s to being scared, here’s to take a risk, here’s to take our time

and let us be ourselves.

[kuhiman-blog]

Robbery

in a city where everything is gold you were the robber i was a guy and i lived in a hut the hut was dark and ashy with one light that passes through the halls and the night fights i was screaming at myself and you banged the door you pulled out a gun and said give me everything! i said all that’s left is myself you said fuck then lets go we took the train and you were counting your bullets so i took the gun and put a bullet on my head with the bullet inside my brain you’d find a reason to touch me to find the bullet, to get it out with the bullet inside my brain i’d find a reason to touch you to make you stop, to feel present with the bullet inside my brain i’d feel the pain from your hands, from your ignorance with the bullet inside my brain i’d feel your guilt—then maybe you’d find a reason to love me.

[kuhiman-blog]

00:05.00

aku bawakan mawar yang kubasuh darahku kan kuingat betapa harumnya menyengat pekat, akan kuingat hanya harumnya amis memudar

lima detik. dengan seribu tanya jawablah satu akan cukup aku ingin darahku, mendarah

tiga detik. daun mengoyak-ngoyak aku terkoyak-koyak kamu mengoyak-ngoyak

satu detik biarkan bunga mawar itu terjatuh sesampainya dia di darat, kuharap kamu berdoa “sampai jumpa lagi.”

[kuhiman-blog]

here is the day i thought would come in the morning i would drink some tea at noon i eat biscuits and later at night i would beat myself black and blue screaming “i hate being fucking in love” here is the day when i admit i am hard to love, and that people hate giving efforts it was midnight, 12.19, to be exact, “i don’t think it will work out” and you replied with silence i said “you asked for so much when i have nothing to give,” i’ve lost so much and no one could understand, i thought someone would, you would, but you wouldn’t even listen how i hold my own hands to keep myself warm, and pat my own back to keep myself calm, all the trees in the yard are burned and so am i. i am burned and torn apart left to pieces because i just want to find someone that would speak softly to me every night saying “i hope you had a great day, good night.” but i guess i never would.

[kuhiman-blog]

tonight, tonight

There were nights i was alone The bed, the blanket, and the poetry The bed was upside down The blanket was on the roof And the poetry was perfect I was in pain, crying and screaming and singing I was serenading, celebrating the loneliness that i am

I poured some water and took a big gulp The water i had drunk turned black I threw the glass and it shattered I thought i was alone but somehow you were there I picked up my phone and you were there I picked up a knife and you were there Standing and looking at me with your romantic eyes You didn't say stop, you were just standing and looking at me with your romantic eyes You said you like it when i am angry I got angrier but you talked me through "You turned red, but i am blue." You were right, you are blue Though you will never see me through

Tonight the light twinkles Tonight the radio whispers Tonight i am alone