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The Break Up

August 11, 2023

Paano ko ba palalayain yung taong sobrang mahal na mahal ko pa? Paano ko kakayaning magpatuloy sa mga susunod na araw na hindi ka na kasama?

Nag usap tayo ngayon. At inasahan ko na ang kahahantungan ng pag uusap natin ay makakasakit sakin. Pero nagbaka sakali pa din ako. Nagbaka sakali ako na baka pwede pa, baka pwede pa nating ayusin to. Baka magbago pa ang isip mo at piliin mong magpatuloy tayo

Kailangan mo ng kalayaan. Dalawang araw bago ng pagkakataon na to, Ang sabi mo mahal mo ako pero hindi ka na masaya at ayaw mong maging unfair sakin kaya mas pipiliin mo na lang na lumayo. Durog na durog yung puso ko sa mga pagkakataon na yon. Pero pinilit ko nang tinanggap ang desisiyon mo. Wala akong magawa kundi ang ibigay ang kalayaan na kailangan mo.

Niyakap kita ng mahigpit. Mahigpit na mahigpit. Mahigpit na yakap na halos ayaw na kitang pakawalan dahil hindi ko alam kung mayayakap pa ulit kita ng ganun kahigpit. Niyakap kita ng ilang minuto habang sinasabi ko na "gusto kong maging masaya ka kahit hindi mo na ako kasama. Gusto kong gawin mo yung mga bagay na dati mong ginagawa nung hindi pa tayo, maging masaya ka palagi para naman di masayang yung mga sakit at lungkot na naramdaman ko. Nagpapasalamat pa din ako dahil pumayag ka na maging magkaibigan tayo, at makukuntento na ako sa ganon. Mas pipiliin ko na siguro yung sitwasyon kung saan nakikita kita kahit hindi na tayo gaya ng dati kesa naman tuluyan na kitang hindi makita. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko kakayanin, pero isa lang ang nasa isip at puso ko sa ngayon, maghihintay pa din ako sa araw na baka pwede na ulit. Hindi man ngayon, pero kung pagbibigyan ulit tayo ng pagkakataon, hindi na ulit kita hahayaang mawala sa buhay ko.

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Our relationship ends today. 3 years and 10 months. 2 mo ths na lang sana 4 years na sana tayo. Nakakapang hinayang lang kung pano mo tinapos yung relasyon natin ng ganun na lang kabilis. Handa naman ako na intindihin ka pa at mahalin ka pa din ng sobra sobra sa kabila ng mga pagkukulang mo. Kahit kailan hindi ko naisip na i give up ka. Kahit kelan hindi ko naisip na sumuko. Kahit kelan hindi ko naisip na bumitaw sa relasyon natin. Sobrang mahal na mahal kita at wala akong ibang gusto kundi ang makasama ka habang buhay. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko itutuloy yung buhay na naka sanayan ko ngayon na di na kita kasama. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa ipagpapatuloy yung buhay ko na wala ka na sa tabi ko.

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🩷

It's been 3 years and 7 months.. Who would have thought na aabot tayo ng ganito katagal? I could feel na hindi na ganun ka exciting yung mga monthsaries natin and I'm really trying to understand na siguro part na yun ng mga changes sa relationship natin, which is sad kasi I'd never expected na mawawala yung excitement. First 2 years it was so good. You made me feel na I was the luckiest woman kasi ikaw yung partner ko. You never fail to make me the happiest woman on earth. You never fail to make me feel how important I was, lalo na sa mga special na ocassions. You wrote letters for me every monthsary, you gave me flowers on special ocassions, minsan nga kahit simpleng pag so sorry mo lang sakin, binibigyan mo ko ng bulaklak. You would surprise me, You would hug and kiss me me all of the time, madalas mo ko lambingin at landiin, you would send me long sweet mesages, you would call me no matter how busy you were. You would lower your pride para lang magka ayos tayo pag nagkaka tampuhan, you would do everything para lang maging better ako. It was just so perfect, and you don't know how happy I was sa mga panahon nya yon. Sobra sobrang saya at kuntento.

Then one day, nagbago lahat... you just stopped giving me attention, you stopped maming efforts, you started yelling at me and feel irritated with me lalo na pag nag dedemand ako. You stopped writing me letters on monthsaries and special ocassions. You stopped giving me flowers, you stopped making me feel loved, you stopped sending me long sweet messages, it seems like you just stopped loving me. You just stopped everything and turned into somebody na kahit kelan ay hindi ko pinangarap na makita mula sayo. It seems like may sarili ka nang mundo at hindi mo ako gusto sa mundo mo, pero eto ako willing na mag adjust sa sarili mong mundo. You are making me feel na okay lang kahit mawala na ako sa buhay mo kasi kaya mo naman na ikaw lang mag isa. Pero siguro nga, yung mga magagandang bagay na yun, may ending din.

You stopped making me feel na worth it ako bigyan ng oras mo. You focused on other things and you're probably expecting na okay lang lahat satin, na okay lang yung relationship natin pero yung totoo, hindi na. Hindi na sya ganun ka exciting. . To be fair, siguro hindi ko na nagagawa o nabibigay yung mga gusto mo and ganun ka din sakin. These past few months, I've been begging some attention from you. Dumadating ako sa point na literal na napapagod na ako. I was in pain whenever iniisip ko na wala na, di na kita maramdaman, di ko na ma feel na mahalaga pa ako, na mahal mo pa ako, at ang sakit sakit isipin yun, kung alam mo lang. Pero kinailangan kong mag kunwari na okay lang ako, na okay lang lahat, kasi kung hindi, may possibility na bigla mo na lang akong iwanan. Palagi kitang iniisip, palagi kong iniisip kung pano ba kita mapapasaya, kung pano ba ako magiging enough sayo, kung paano ba kita makukumbinsi na mahalin mo ulit ako. Pero feeling ko isa akong malaking sagabal sa mga bagay na gusto mo.

Minsan naiisip ko din, siguro kaya di mo ako mabigyan ng time and attention kasi hindi mo ako nakikita sa future mo. Siguro kaya di mo naiintindihan yung nararamdaman ko kasi mas pinipili mong bale walain na lang, kasi siguro di ako yung gusto mong makasama habambuhay. Nalulungkot ako. Matagal na akong nalulungkot sa relationship natin. Nasasaktan na ako sa relationship natin. I WAS GRIEVING, and wala kang idea kung gano kasakit yun sa part ko. Pero palagi akong nagtitiwala na one day, baka bumalik din lahat sa dati, baka pansinin mo ulit ako, baka mahalin mo ulit ako, kaya palagi akong naghihintay. Hindi ko din maiwasang tanungin ying sarili ko, ANO BANG MALI SAKIN? ANONG INAYAWAN MO SAKIN?

Sa mahigit 3 years natin, palagi akong naghihintay hanggang ngayon, pero hindi pa din ako yung isa sa mga priority mo. Mas nag iinvest ka ng time sa bagay na di mo alam kung hanggang kailan nandyan para sayo, samantalang ako andito, willing na mag stay hanggat gusto mo. Alam mo naman na palagi ko naman iniintindi yung situation mo, pero ikaw ba? Kino consider mo ba yung feelings ko? Gaya mo, di din naman ako bumabata, gusto kong maramdaman yung mahalaga din ako. Minsan gusto ko din tanungin sayo kung ako pa din ba yung gusto mo sa future mo, kasi kung hindi, atleast di tayo magsasayang ng panahon pareho diba? Ang hinihingi ko lang sayo ay yung itrato mo ako na isa sa mga priority mo kasi sa buhay ko, ikaw yung priority ko. Umaasa ako na kakayanin pa natin. Na kakayanin ko pang umintindi. Alam ko na kaya mo kong bigyan ng time attention mo, kaya palagi pa din akong umaasa at naghihintay. Minsan pakiramdam ko yung relationship natin parang wala ng love. Parang routine na lang sya. Di ko alam kung ano bang love language mo pero madalas di ko ma feel na mahal mo ako. Siguro mahal mo ako pero minsan di ko lang talaga ma feel. Siguro magka iba lang talaga tayo ng priorities, pero sana konting effort lang sa time kasi deserve ko din naman yun. Kahit konti lang. Ibalik mo ulit yung happiness na pinaparamdam mo sakin nun. I really wanted our relationship na mag work kaya I'm trying palagi na maging mas undertanding pa.. Mahal kita, sana mahalin mo ulit ako gaya ng dati.. 🩷

[kulet1003019]

Hindi ko alam kung ako ba yung problema sa'tin o meron talagang problema 😞. Ilang buwan at taon na tayong magkasama pero recently nagiging issue ko yung mga bagay na sa tingin mo wala lang or di mahalaga. 😣Honestly hindi ko na alam kung saan ko ilulugar yung sarili ko. Sobrang mahal kita pero hindi kita maramdaman.😢

Pag nagkukulang ka sa time, naiinis ako pero iniintindi ko. Pag naiinis ako o nagtatampo parang wala akong karapatan na gawin yun kasi mas maiinis at magagalit ka sakin, gusto ko lang naman na magpalambing sayo pero halos hindi mo na mabigay sakin 😢. Instead mas naiinis at maiirita ka pa. Minsan nga parang hindi na mahalaga yung mga sinasabi ko kasi parang lagi na lang akong mali. Nasisigawan mo ko, napag tataasan ng boses at hindi ko alam kung mali ba na nagsasabi lang naman ako ng nararamdaman ko at ng opinyon ko😞. Kinakapalan ko na nga yung mukha ko na ako na, ako na lang yung maglalambing, lalandi at gagawa ng first move kasi wala akong mahintay na move mula sayo. Sabi ko nga hindi na girlfriend yung tingin kong turing mo sakin. Feeling ko parang nandito lang ako, hintay ng hintay, intindi ng intindi, asa ng asa na one day makita at maramdaman mo din ulit na interesado ka sakin, na ma aattract ka ulit sakin, na sinusulit mo yung mga oras na lambingin at pansinin ako kasi hindi naman na ganun kadami yung oras na nabibigay mo sakin. 💔

Pero wala kang ibang madalas ginagawa at pinaparamdam kundi kainisan ako, kairitahan ako, kagalitan ako kapag ina attemp ko na iparamdam sayo dahil lang sa sobrang miss na miss kita 😢. At sa tuwing nagagawa mong mainis, mairita, magalit at iwasan yung mga ginagawa ko, wala akong ibang magawa kundi tanungin ng paulit ulit yung sarili ko kung anong bang mali sa mga ginagawa ko. bakit inaayawan mo'ko? nandidiri ka ba? dugyot ba ko sa paningin mo? Tas kung iwasan mo ko parang ang pangit pangit ko. Bakit ko ba naman kasi piniplit kung ayaw mo diba? 😔sinasabi mo nga na mahal mo ako pero parang nakasanayan mo nalang din yun na sabihin araw araw. Siguro habang patagal ng patagal nababawasan yung pagka intrested mo sakin. Yung nagiging sapat na lang sayo na nandito lang ako, nakikita at nahahawakan mo. Siguro nagiging enough na lang sayo yung "okay na". Pero sana naiisip mo din na kelangan din kita, may mga gusto din ako sa relationship natin 😢. Sana din naiintindihan mo din yung mga tampo ko sayo. Yun na lang kasi yung alam ko na way para mapansin mo ako, which is minsan kina iinisan mo pa. Sana iniintindi mo din ako gaya ng pag intindi ko sa mga ginagawa mo at sa mga priorities mo. 💔😢

Mag 3 years na tayo pero hindi ko sigurado kung ako pa din ba yung gusto mo 😞. Di ko alam kung hanggang kelan mo ipaparamdam yang mga pinaparamdam mo. Siguro nga nag iiba na yung tingin mo sakin. Hindi na gaya ng dati na excited mong makita at makasama, di na gaya dati na lagi mong nilalambing at pinapansin, di na gaya dati na halos hind mo masigawan at mapag taasan ng boses. 😔Nasasaktan ako sa mga ginagawa at pinaparamdam mo. Tina try kong maging better para sa'yo. kung ano ano na ang ginagawa ko para lang maramdaman ko ulit na mahalaga pa din ako sayo at mapansin mo ko. Lahat naman na ginagawa ko para lang sobrang mahalin mo ulit ako. 💔

Mahal kita, pero hindi ko na alam kung saan ko pa ilulugar yung sarili ko. Ayoko nang humingi ng mas madaming oras mula sayo, maghihintay nalang ako 😔. Di na ako mag dedemand ng mga bagay na gusto ko, di ko na din ipipilit yung mga gusto ko kasi di naman na mahalaga para sayo at para di ka na mainis😣. Di ko na pipilitin na lambingin ka at i kiss ka kung ayaw mo talaga... at hindi ko na din pipilitin na lumandi sayo kung para sayo nakaka irita 💔

Ilang beses akong nakiusap sayo na huwag mo kong sigawan, wag mo kong taasan ng boses at wag mo kong tanggihan pero mas mahalaga yung nararamdaman mo 😢. Ilang beses akong nakiusap na sana ako naman ang bigyan mo ng oras lalo na pag off mo kasi pinagbibigyan naman kitang mas priority mo yung work mo, pero halos hindi mo din maibigay😣. Oo masyado akong nagdedemand pero at the end of the day wala pa din naman akong choice kundi intindihin ka at tanggapin kung ano lang yung kaya mong iparamdam at ibigay. At hindi mo nakikita lahat yon. Sorry a, minsan kasi hindi mo siguro talaga gusto yung mga ginagawa ko. Pipilitin ko na lang din intindihin yun. yun lang naman ang kaya kong gawin.. ang paulit ulit na umintindi. 💔

[kulet1003019]

July 24, 2022

I’ve been wanting to write some letters/notes but whenever I have a pen and a paper, I just don’t know what to write. But in situations like this, when you make me feel like I am not worth any of your time and that you are not interested, it feels like I have all the painful and the saddest words to write.

We were okay. We used to be very happy. You were very excited to see me on Tuesday evenings when you come to pick me up so we could spend our 2 days off together, we don’t use our phones too much but instead we watch movies, we cuddle, we go out, we spend every single moment together. You were very caring, you made me feel how interested you are, how happy you are when you were with me. When we were together there’s nothing else more important than to spend our time together.

We would fight, we had some nonsense arguments but nothing like this... nothing like this where you make me feel like I am not worth any of your time. You make me feel like I am not that important anymore and that your feelings have changed. I might be wrong, but I just don’t feel the connection anymore. I don’t see the spark anymore. It feels like we’re just in this relationship because we are already used to the routine and the idea that we see each other, and we talk to each other at the end of everyday.

I hate complaining about you not having enough time in this relationship. I always wanted to make a conversation with you, but I just don’t know when the best time is because you are always busy, or you don’t want to talk about it. I honestly feel scared to get mad, angry and express how I truly feel because if I do that it will come out as I am not trying to understand things on your side, so I just hide all the pain and sadness inside me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the freedom in this relationship anymore. It’s not about us anymore, it’s about understanding what you do and not what I feel.

I love you, don’t get me wrong. But with each passing day, you are just making me feel like things have changed and that things will not going back to the way they were before. It’s just so sad that I don’t see the person anymore who used to give me lots of attention, care and love, who used to understand me all the time and the person whom I loved very much in the beginning of this relationship. I am trying to be happy, not to secretly cry on my side of the bed whenever you feel irritated because I just want to give you attention because I already miss you, but sometimes, like this moment, I just want to go somewhere where I can be alone and just go back to those days when you still love me so much... when you still cared about my feelings, and when you were still interested in me and in this relationship. 💔😔😢

[kulet1003019]

July 24, 2022

I’ve been wanting to write some letters/notes but whenever I have a pen and a paper I just don’t know what to write. But in situations like this, when you make me feel like I am not worth any of your time and that you are not interested, it feels like I have all the painful and the saddest words to write.

We were okay. We used to be very happy. You were very excited to see me on Tuesday evenings when you come to pick me up so we could spend our 2 days off together, we don’t use our phones too much but instead we watch movies, we cuddle, we go out, we spend every single moment together. You were very caring, you made me feel how interested you are, how happy you are when you were with me. When we were together there’s nothing else more important than to spend our time together.

We would fight, we had some nonsene arguements but nothing like this.. nothing like this where you make me feel like I am not worth any of your time. You make me feel like I am not that important anymore and that your feelings have changed. I might be wrong but I just don’t feel the connection anymore. I don’t see the spark anymore. It feels like we’re just in this relationship because we are already used to the routine and the idea that we see each other and we talk to each other at the end of everyday.

I hate complaining about you not having enough time in this relationship. I always wanted to make a conversation with you but I just don’t know when is the best time because you are always busy or you don’t want to talk about it. I honestly feel scared to get mad, angry and express how I truly feel because if I do that it will come out as I am not trying to understand things on your side, so I just hide all the pain and sadness inside me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the freedom in this relationship anymore. It’s not about us anymore, it’s about understanding what you do and not what I feel.

I love you, don’t get me wrong. But with each passing day , you are just making me feel like things have changed and that things will not going back to the way they were before. It’s just so sad that I don’t see the person anymore who used to give me lots of attention, care and love, who used to understand me all the time and the person whom I loved very much in the beginning of this relationship. I am trying to be happy, not to secretly cry on my side of the bed whenever you feel irritated because I just want to give you attention because I already miss you, but sometimes, like this moment, I just wanna go somewhere where I can be alone and just go back to those days when you still love me so much.. when you still cared about my feelings, and when you were still interested in me and in this relationship. 💔😔😢

[kulet1003019]

Di na ba ako attractive para sayo? 5 months na yung lumipas mula nung huling inuman natin. Yung huling pagkakataon na hinalikan mo’ko ng maayos, yung huling pagkakataon na nilambing mo’ko. Pagkatapos nun kinailangan ko nang makiusap na lambingin mo naman ako, na bigyan mo naman ako ng time. Lagi na lang akong nag be beg ng attention mula sayo.

Di ko alam kung anong mali sakin. Bakit parang palayo ka ng palayo? Kasama nga kita pero parang napaka layo mo pa din. May mga gabi na di ako makatulog, nag iisip, minsan naiiyak na lang ako kasi di ko alam kung ako ba yung problema. Lagi kong tinatanong sa sarili ko kung dugyot ba ako sa paningin mo? Mabaho ba ko? Pangit ba ko? O sadyang nawalan ka na lang talaga ng gana sakin? 😢

[kulet1003019]

Hindi ko alam kung masyado lang ba akong sensitive o masyadong nag dadrama. Di ko rin alam kung ako ba ang mali, o baka naman hindi na ganun katindi yung nararamdaman natin sa isa’t isa. Aaminin ko, nalulungkot ako, nasasaktan at nahihirapan sa sitwasyon natin ilang buwan na ang lumips.

Habang tumatagal palala ng palala yung lungkot at pagka dismaya na nararamdaman ko. Masyado lang ba akong nag eexpect ng gaya dati? Yung ako lang, yung tayo lang, yung sobrang sweet ka, laging nagtetext, laging kunakamusta ako. Yung laging nilalambing ako.

Isang araw biglang nagbago na lang lahat. Halos hindi ko na maintindihan kung bakit ganito na yung relasyon natin. May pagkukulang ba ako? May hindi ba ko nagagawa o naibibigay? Bakit ang bilis mo nang magalit sakin? Yung tipong nakakatakot nang magtampo sayo kasi galit yung kapalit nun. Yung tipong wala na akong karapatang magtampo man lang pag nasasaktan o nalulungkot ako kasi instead na lambingin mo ko, mas nagagalit ka pa sakin.

Natututo ka nang maglihim sakin. Wala akong ibang gusto para sayo kundi ang maging maayos ka. Physically, emotionally. Gusto kitang makasama ng matagal hanggat maaari. Pero bakit parang ako yung masama kapag sinasabihan kita? Bakit nagagalit ka kung wala naman akong ibang gusto kundi bumuti yung kalusugan mo? Bakit kelangan mong ilihim yung mga bagay na ginagawa mo dahil lang sa iniisip mong magagalit ako?

Natatakot ako na may mga darating pang pagkakataon na masanay ka na lang na itago sakin lahat samantalang eto ako, iniisip na okay na kahat, na okay lang lahat. Hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano pa bang turing mo sakin. Para akong somebody na andito lang nag i stay kasi nakasanayan mo nang kasama ako. Hindi ko na alam kung anong mararamdaman ko.

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Changes

It’s 1:00 am, nandito ka sa tabi ko, mahimbing na natutulog, samantalang ako, eto hirap na hirap makatulog habang nag iisip ng kung ano ano. Hindi ko ma explaine yung nararamdaman ko. disappointed, nasasaktan, naiiyak. Hindi na nga din ako sigurado kung ano ba yung mga bagay na nakapag papa ramdam sakin ng mga ‘to.

Hindi ko nga alam kung nalulungkot lang ba ako kasi hinahanap ko yung dating tayo. O nalulungkot ako kasi halos hindi na kita maramdaman netong mga nagdaang buwan. Nalulungkot nga ba ako? O nasasaktan na ko?

Lumilipas yung mga buwan na palala ng palala yung lungkot na nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko lang masabi at maipakita sayo kasi choice ko naman ’to. Hanggat maaari kasi gusto kong ipakita at iparamdam sayo na iniintindi kita. Na lahat ng desisiyon mo at lahat ng gusto mo ay naiintindihan ko. Na masaya ako sa lahat ng ginagawa mo na alam kong nakakapagpa saya sayo.

Na mimiss ko na yung pag aalaga mo sakin. Yung excitement mo tuwing day off natin kasi kasama mo ako maghapon. Yung limited lang yung pag pho phone mo kasi mas gusto mong niyagakap at nilalambing ako. Yung lagi mo ko kini kiss kasi sobrang miss na miss mo ko. Nami miss kong nagkakaron ka ng time para sakin, para satin.

Kaso ngayon walang wala akong magawa. wala akong magawa kundi intindihin na mas priority mo na ang work mo. Wala naman akong laban kasi alam kong gusto mo yung ginagawa mo. Tanong ko lang, naisip mo ba na sa halos isang linggo na nagta trabaho ka, naisip mo din bang baka kailangan din kita? Baka kailangan ko din ng atensyon at pagpapahalaga mo? Siguro di mo na naiisip yun sa dami ng iniisip mo sa trabaho.

Nakaka lungkot lang na napaka daming nagbago na sa relasyon natin. Pilit kong iniintindi yung ganitong sitwasyon na meron tayo kahit alam kong malabong bumalik ulit sa dati yung relasyon natin. Nasasaktan at nahihirapan ako, sana alam mo yun. Sana isang araw maisip mo din ako, sana isang araw maisip mo ulit na lambingin ako, bigyan ako ng oras kahit isang araw lang. kahit mabilis lang. kahit konting panahon lang. Oo hinahalikan mo ko, niyayakap mo ko, sinasabi mong mahal mo ko, pero hindi na nagiging sapat yun minsan lalo na kung hindi ko naman nararamdaman na nandyan ka para sakin.

Nasasaktan ako, nahihirapan ako.. sana balang araw, pag nabasa mo ‘to, maisip mo na ang tagal tagal ko nang naghihintay na mahalin mo ulit ako gaya ng dati. Na maging interesado ka ulit sakin gaya ng dati. 💔❤️‍🩹

[kulet1003019]

Our Story

Who would have thought that you were once a stranger who I used to just exchange messages on the phone is now someone with whom I share the best moments of my life? You were once that stranger who wouldn’t stop sending me messages and chats, that someone who didn’t give up until the fall of 2019.It was nearly the end of October 2019 when you started sending me messages and chats. Mejo napipikon nga ak mo sayo at that time kasi ayaw mong tumigil mag send ng message. Di mo pinalilipas yung isang araw an wala kang text and what annoyed me the most was when you told me that you love me kahit di mo pa naman ako nakikita.I won’t deny, I wasn’t really interested in you at first. I thought you were just playing with my feelings, and that you aren’t really serious with everything that you were saying on the phone. I did not believe in everything that you’ve said until one day, nag bago lahat.It was October 28, 2019, you’ve decided to come and see me at work. I wasn’t really expecting that you would come on that day but when I saw you, everything felt so real. You were real, you were literally in front of me, smiling at me and you even said those 3 words. “I LOVE YOU”. At that very moment, I was wishing that you would stay longer so I could see you for a longer time. But when I saw you walking away, medyo nalungkot ako kasi gustong gusto pa kitang makita.After that day, nagbago lahat. Mas madalas na tayong magka usap, mas madalas magtawagan at mas masy sense na yung mga pinag uusapan natin. You even came and picked me up from work the day after mo akong pinuntahan sa work. I remember that night when we went sa UpHill. it was too cold and a little bit windy and I asked you kung giniginaw ka, and you said “no” but you were already shaking. So we ended up talking sa loob ng car. I was so shy at that time but I couldn’t help myself na titigan ka. I liked the way you were smiling and laughing at me. And at that moment I felt that unexplainable feeling of being in love.. again.We stayed there for hours. Just talking, laughing, staring at each other. We were so happy. I was so happy. Then it was early in the morning of October 30, 2019, 1:27AM, you dropped me at home. I honestly want to spend more time with you at that moment but we really had to go. Pagka labas ko ng car, sabi mo “wait lang” and you gave a teddy bear, a bunch of roses, then you kissed me. I was actually shocked at that very moment but at the same time I could feel my heart beating very very very fast.Ang bilis ng mga nagyari. We met online, see each other in person, spent time together and in just a short period of time, we became a couple. I was the happiest at those times. I would automatically smile whenever I remember you, those moments with you, everything about you. I was so in love with you that I could ignore other things just to be with you.We would see each other twice a week during our days off and that wasn’t enough. (how could I forget that night when you asked me to come home with you for the first time! hahaha!) I’d love to spend every second and minute of my day with you. We had this routine where you would pick me up every Monday night and we would spend the next 2 days(our days off) together then you would drop me home on the night before we go back to work for the next morning. It was hard because we had to wait for a week to see each other but there were times when I would really miss you so much and I would come to see you at work. You would give me flowers almost every month especially on special occasions, you never fail to make me the happiest and the most special person in the world. Things were okay, we were okay, we were happy and we were in love.But it wasn’t a very good day every day. There were times when we would argue, fight, yell at each other on the phone. We had our misunderstandings and some of the bad stuff, and one of them was the idea of you still living with your ex. That’s one thing that hurts me until this very moment.. And I remember those times when we were having our little fights, you would wait in front of the house for

long hours just to wait for me to come outside and talk to you. You would sacrifice your sleep and would wait for me outside no matter how long it takes for me to lower my pride and come and talk to you.Months had passed and we were still doing the same routine. See each other twice a week, text and call each other from time to time, go on dates, spend time together. Then one day we’ve decided to move in together. I was hesitant at first because I have this trauma in living together with a partner. I wasn’t really sure when you asked me if I want to move in with you, but because I want to spend every moment with you, I said yes, and we moved in together.At first, it was okay. Things were okay, we were okay, we still do our normal stuff, but then months have passed and that’s when we saw each other’s real attitude. That’s when all the arguments and fights became worst. There were nights when I would cry myself to sleep because we weren’t giving me the attention that you used to give when we were just starting. There were days when I feel unloved because you would choose to do something else than spending time with me. I felt like I was with a stranger at those times because honestly, you’ve changed a lot when we started living together. there were times when you would raise your voice on me, ignore me, go to sleep without fixing our fights.Things have changed in just a couple of months. You rarely give me flowers, You do give me, maybe when you just feel like you want to, or when you know that I wasn’t okay or when we’re not okay. You don’t often give me those “paglalambing moments” anymore, and the same thing, you only do that when you feel like you want to, or when we’re not okay, or when I asked you to. These things might be not a big deal for you but these are just some of the things that I really miss about you. These were the things that the old you used to do before just to make me feel the happiest and the most special person.We just got used to it. I do complain sometimes and you would make everything better. You would give me more time and attention and you would make me feel how much you love me and that you don’t wanna lose me . It’s just so sad that you notice me more when you knew that I wasn’t okay or when I feel sad and unimportant. But I had to understand it because that’s the only way for us not to argue. I kept all the pain and disappointment that I’ve felt, and that triggered my anxiety most of the time.Months and years passes by and we became more comfortable to each other and just got used to everything that was happening to our relationship. There were times when I already wanted to give up on us, but just thinking that I’m gonna lose you for the rest of my life makes me feel miserable. I just love you so much that I would endure all the pain and disappointments just to be with you.I do know that every relationship has their ups and downs, and our relationship is not an exception to that. But no matter how imperfect our relationship is, no matter how crazy we are, no matter how we argue and fight on most immature things, I will always stay and make the happiest memories with you . I love you more than anything and everything.-Kulet<3

[kulet1003019]

It's Wednesday morning. We are going for breakfast but it seems like I did anything wrong again this early morning because I can feel that you are kinda irritated. I am so scared to speak.. so scared to say something because you might raise your vaoice again on me.

Why do I feel like it is always my fault when something you don't really like is happenning? Why do I feel like it's also my fault when we had to wake up early for breakfast? Why do I feel like I had to blame myself everytime?

You said that I should keep talking to you when you're quiet but hoe can I do that if you are making me feel scared? How can I do that if you feel irritated when I talk?😣😭💔

[kulet1003019]

It's past 12 am.. I couldn't sleep. It feels like one of those nights when I cannot stop thinking too much about anything and everything. I don't understand why do you make me feel unlove sometimes. It might not be your intention but there are some things and guestures that you are doing that makes me feel unlove, unimportant and just nothing to you. I am lying on this side of the bed while you are sleeping and there's something inside of my head telling me to check on your phone.

I accidentally saw a picture of you and her on one of your friend's facebook messenger account and it still hurts. No matter how many times you've told me that she is just nothing to you anymore, I still can't stop overthinking that you might do the same thing to me someday. I am still full of insecurities... I'm still afraid that one day you'll just get tired of me.

It hurts when you are making me feel like I am still not good enough.. when you don't mean to say how huge I am and that I have to lose weight.. When you stare at me and say "mag diet ka na" you just don't know how hard it is and how painful it is for me.. it may be just a simple joke to you but to me, it is something that triggers my insecurities.. and it hurts.. because when you said that "aattend tayo ng birthday sa october, mag diet ka na" I feel like you are too shy to show me in public especially to your friends because I am too fat 😣

And it hurts... it is painful.. 💔

[kulet1003019]

You said you're not like somebody else.. that you would love me, take care of me and never hurt my feelings. At first I felt all the love and care from you. You did every single thing that would make me happy, you have all the patience and understanding for me..

You never yelled at me, never made me feel bad, never made me feel down and alone.. You were the best person for me.. but then one day, you've totally changed! You were not the person I fell in love with anymore.

How could you sleep next to me while I am beside you begging for attention? How could you yell at me, raise your voice at me when you know how sensitive and how soft I am? How could you make me feel unlove and worthless while I am here trying to fight for the relationship that we've started?

You are a totally different person to me now. I could say that.... IN EVERY PAIN THAT YOU ARE GIVING ME, YOU ARE JUST MAKING ME REALIZE HOW UNHAPPY IT IS TO BE WITH ANYBODY WHOM YOU THOUGHT WHO LOVES YOU BUT IN REALITY YOU ARE JUST NOTHING TO THEM.

[kulet1003019]

"OKAY LANG KAHIT PAULIT ULIT KO SYANG TULUGAN- PATATAWARIN NYA DIN NAMAN AKO"

"OKAY LANG KAHIT PAUKIT ULIT KO SYANG TULUGAN- ISANG LAMBIBG LANG OKAY NA NAMAN KAMI.

"OKAY LANG KAHIT PAULIT ULIT KO SYANG TULUGAN- DAPAT SYA MAG ADJUST KASI GANITO NA KO DATI PA"

》 GIRLFRIEND MO KO!! SANA NAIINTINDIHAN MO DIN YUNG NARARAMDAMAN KO!

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

[kulet1003019]

Pinipilit ko namang intindihin na kahit maka ilang promise ka na di mo na ko tutulugan, ay di mo pa din kayang gawin. Nakaka disappoint.. minsan nakakapagod ng intindihin.

Lagi na lang bang ako na dapat ang mag adjust at umintindi? Pano naman ako? Pano naman yung nararamdaman ko? -- sino ba naman kasi ako para magreklamo ng paulit ulit.. 💔

Kung dati tunutulugan lang, ngayon makakatukog na din sya kahit di na nya ako kini kiss .. 😭

[kulet1003019]

I hate that feeling when I can't stop my tears from falling just because of the same old reason..

Yung parang wala ka na ding karapatang magtampo dahil tinulugan ka ulit nya--- paulit ulit..

Paulit ulit na sasabihing tinatry naman na wag antukin, paulit ulit na sorry, paulit ulit na patatawarin..

Parang nasasanay na lang na tinutulugan ka kasi alam naman nyang konting lambing at isang sorry lang nya okay na ulit..

There were nights when I would secretly cry habang na rerealize ko kung gaano na kaiba lahat ng nangyayari..

Parang napaka hirap na kong pagbigyan ng time.. parang di ko na deserve yung konting time.. pakiramdam ko na di na ko ganun kahalaga para pagbigyan ng oras..

It's painful to think that I'm not with the same person anymotr whom I fell in love with a year and months ago. 💔😢

[kulet1003019]

Little by little things became so much different.. (not sure) but I didn't changed a single thing about me.. but she did.. she became a totally different person (to me)..

There were moments when I would literally ask for a kiss or a hug or to cuddle with me already.. ---- which before she would do all those things right before I even ask for it.

It just makes me feel sad to think that she's not like the person I used to know and the person I fell in love with a year ago already.. how much more for the next months or years?

I'm honestly tired of listening to her excuses.. "di na mauulit, babawi ako, etc... " but she's not really trying.. instead, I feel more distant whenever she kept doing the same mistake.

I feel like she's into that idea "OKAY LANG NA TULUGAN KO, OKAY LANG NA TOPAKIN SYA, PAPATAWARIN NYA NAMAN AKO" but she just don't know how I really feel....

💔