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wonder..

Father, My God, creator of the universe,

I am filled with so much wonder.

Creator of the universe. Why? Why how did I always know? How were my suspicions always right? That we would be the last generation to preach your name from the moutaintops in these end times? With a weight like this that only Jesus could bear..this is a true mystery to me.

Creator of the universe...how could I be falling in love in such a time... where hell and all chaos appear to constantly ensue. Where can I go, what can I do, but bask on the knowledge of your goodness? but reminisce on the fact that you shed your precious blood for me, that you wipes my sins out with each lashing of pain on your bruised body.

I lay on this firm mattress, with lofi whispering from the speakers of my monitor, fan blowing to and fro, the scent of pumpkin spice as a reminder that this is a new season....and I enjoy the fragrance. But then I am reminded of Ecclessiastes. Everything is like wind, flowing to and fro. Like smoke, like vapor, here for a second and then gone.

I think of my future husband, I think of CJ. It amazes me that I can enjoy his presence, that I can look in his eyes and know that he could also be but a vapor of smoke, as we are all just dust. I love him...but even this makes me wonder how, how could u have sent me such a man when I may only have little time with him?

How can I fall in love in a time such as this? To squeeze his strong body, to stare into his eyes, the windows of his soul. To know love, like the love of the Father....and to know that this could be taken away from me at any moment. It frightens me. 

But I guess that’s it. Everything can not be so black and white. I have to learn to live on the in between while Im here. Its so much bigger than my physical desires...but its still beautiful, and painful to think that it could all be gone. Maybe that's just the dismemberment of an idol in my life.

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child-like faith?

<3

It must be beautiful to have a child-like faith. It must be beautiful to be able to walk through life, not worrying about the opinions of man, not worrying about what tomorrow will bring, or what could become of the world.

I don’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t worried: the enemy of my soul attempted to mess me up early. I worried about my mother’s love for me, my family's opinion of me. I worried if my friends really loved me and if they would stick around. Yet here I am. Now I am watching the maturation of loved ones:

..I’m watching Lucas grow his mustache and beard out. I’m watching DJ maintain the Lion’s mane on his head, with the upmost care, as he inches past my father in height. Now I’m looking both of them face to face. Voices going from light and fluffy to deep and nonchalant.

& I wonder, where is there faith? What are their hearts set on? Do they care much about their futures, or do they only see what’s before them? I wish that I could snatch them up and nurture them into the safety of the Lord. I wish that I could protect them from the agendas of man, from the skepticism of broken hearts and jaded people.

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11:45 pm -

The days blend together.

The monotony can be dreadful, but I must remind myself of the reason I go on.

To see the light of your face [thnx Kim Walker]....

To behold your glory. I thank you that you’ve given me the ability to see beauty in the pain, in the ugliness.

Tonight there were questions and answers with the beautiful Shauna and I must say, I was reminded of something that you commanded me to do: write.

And I ask myself [or, was asked rather,] why did I stop? I rememvber around that time, I was discouraged. I was trying to graduate, then I started srugglling with an eating disorder that completely took me away from everything.

Then I also remember that I was struggling with the words you gave me in and of themselves. Was that it? Was that all there was to be said of me? That I would be remembered as a writer.

I repent of wasting my talents o Lord, bc they don't compare to others. Only you know how and why you fashioned me this way. ...to be continued.

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We said we love each other pretty early in the process.

In the past, I viewed love as fully a feeling. I felt it would be a passionate, uncontrollable and obsessive emotion. It was possessive and jealous. But this time around, it feels different. This time, it feels like a graceful choice...like I'm choosing to love you. Like I’m choosing to overlook the flaws [although there’s hardly any]..and I’m choosing to trust in the goodness of our God.

Even though I still feel like I’m learning you, I constantly feel at peace, safe and secure. I constantly feel like if I fall, you will catch me, because you have proven yourself through your actions and consistency. It feels like even if we have a misunderstanding or a disagreement, I know that I’ll forgive you because I can’t even fathom keeping an attitude with you, because why would I want to go to be angry at that face? lol

It feels like trusting you to lead the way, even if I know you aren’t sure exactly where we’re going, and I know you’re a little too stubborn to ask for directions or help.

It feels different this time...and I know we’re only human, but you make it so easy to want to try again. I feel like a child with you. I feel like the Lord has given me a clean slate and he's saying, “Go ahead, this one’s just for you.”

I’m making these posts so even when life gets hard, and ministry gets busy, and children get loud, and things speeds up, or slow down, I'll remember why I continued to choose you, and why the Lord continued to give me peace.

I love you.

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LOL. You insist on being my photographer

This weekend we spent some alone time together...longer than we had in a minute. We’ve been busy serving others, working, making ourselves available to others. We’ve only been together for a couple of months, but life with you has already been so seamless. You stare at me in a way that truly penetrates my soul. Sometimes it feels like lust, lol, at other times, it feels like a true sense of awe. You seem to care for me so much. 

You’re breaking down my walls. U constantly melt my heart in ways that I bless the Lord for. Literally, the Lord sending you to me is just a sheer act of kindness that I can not even fathom. Going from toxicity and emotional abuse and manipulation and all of it....

I want to push you away sometimes, but you make it so hard. I look at these pictures and laugh, because I try to be so polished with you, and I’m not. lolll.

I spoke with a friend about being vulnerable with you. I shared that I want to, and I feel that I have, but then the fears and the doubts creep in: what if y’all don’t make it to marriage? What if he sees that you don’t have it all together? What if he starts to wish he pursued other women?

But I decided to tell you that I’ve been feeling depressed..And you listened. Even though you were tired, and you said that you don’t know how to best support me...You listened attentively...and you held space with me. So...even if we don’t make it to marriage, and we find that it would be best for both of us to let each other go, I will smile back at the kindness you showed me, in the image of our creator. 

<3 but I hope that we do make it.

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The first photo of Kai we ever took after we got her just popped in my Facebook memories 🥺😭 my little meme queen

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Art by Gabriel Gomez

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