l-thinks

[l-thinks]

Every few months I come down to this account and it’s almost like a time capsule of my feelings. Like yes I have a partner that loves me now. And she’s so wonderful and kind and beautiful and human and trying. Like obviously you want a good partner and I think that there’s no one that’s just magically perfect in the flawless sense but, she’s so perfect for me because she’s trying and I’m trying and we’re both trying and sometimes we get into trouble and also we’re both mentally ill but also the one thing that’s constant is that I love you and I’ll try my best to stay here and alive. Like we both have our moments of ‘crap I feel like I want to kill myself and I forget that life could be so good with you’ and we have to remind each other of our promises to stay and all the good things we have and could have.

[l-thinks]

She makes me feel like home and I had never thought I could feel this safe and loved.

[l-thinks]

Sometimes being aroace is so frustrating.

I just started school and I find my OGL (facilitator in basic terms) who is a 2nd year kinda attractive? But in a ‘you’re so sweet’ and also ‘we have the same interests’ and ‘I’m strangely very attracted to your energy’ way.

It’s not really platonic attraction because it’s not just about wanting to be close and having more conversation but more of ‘I want to care for you’ and ‘god you make me smile when you’re happy’ attraction.

It’s not so straight forward and I’m the person that craves intimacy despite the fact that the act itself makes me uncomfortable (which I am okay with). No matter how uncomfortable it makes me, I like hand holding. I like dancing together, I like physical contact. (Given that this is all consented and wanted by the other party and makes them feel loved and happy.)

I like monogamy not because I wouldn’t be happy with polyamory but I find it so much intimate in my own way.

But though it’s so frustrating at times I’ve grown to appreciate it. It means I build better bonds with people and I don’t actively seek out a partnership. I’m easily quite content with platonic connections given that people are willing to be honest. It’s hard to find the right people, but when I do, it’s the only thing I could ever ask for, to love and accept unconditionally.

[l-thinks]

I still post old snippets of my writing but man has it changed so much. I think being honest just made me change the way I think. I’ve always tried to be genuine but being honest with myself is a totally different experience. The fear of being alone and left by people I care about is so apparent but at the same time it’s so worth it??

People actually listen and understand and care about what I truly want and care about?? Also it’s so hard to be honest. Seriously honest.

What I mean is that because when you’re just not used to it you have a hard time verbally expressing emotion. Not in a ‘this is what I think/want’ way, it’s more of a ‘this is how I feel and this is why and I would like you to respect it’ way.

It also comes from a place of learning to somewhat respect yourself and your boundaries, not to say that you shouldn’t put yourself out there and do borderline uncomfortable things but drawing a line at the point that would make it unhealthy for yourself mentally.

As a queer (and possibly neurodivergent) person I hate that my boundaries are so muddled. There are little things that can push me over but are so hard to say out.

For instance, touch. I don’t dislike it. It can be nice, but it makes me uncomfortable yk? Also being honest about how I feel about my past and my childhood. I’m still learning to love myself and it’s so messy after such a long time of wanting to not exist. It never really goes away but it’s much better.

[l-thinks]

I loved you.

I still do.

[l-thinks]

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you. — I love you.

[l-thinks]

What is the difference between love and heartbreak?

[l-thinks]

Flowers. Just flowers.

[l-thinks]

Anything and everything is poetry.

And poetry is anything and everything.

It shouldn’t just be words.

It’s a world all of its own isn’t it ?

[l-thinks]

Why does it have to feel like it does matter.

It’s not like it doesn’t,

It’s just not as much as it should feel.

[l-thinks]

I can’t visualise the people I love and it makes me so frustrated.

[l-thinks]

I wish I could dream. It makes sleep so boring.

[l-thinks]

I live for the days when everything just makes me feel like I’m living in a Studio Ghibli film.

[l-thinks]

Oh how it confounds me

That we have found a way to preserve

Our memories,

But not ourselves.

[l-thinks]

It’s even better with you here :D

Why is the world so pretty AAAaaAAa-

[l-thinks]

Why is the world so pretty AAAaaAAa-