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AUGH

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I stick my leggy out and bend forward a bit, my hip fucking cracks

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Can’t even lay on my left side or my thigh will start smarting, who the fuck decided that I would be in constant pain, you mother fucking god I’m gonna beat you to death with my fucking shoe, I swear to fuck if this doesn’t smart exploding in fucking pain you- AARRRGGGHHH

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Stomach acid tastes horrid, and I hate my fucking bones

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I think something fundamentally changed in my brain when I was nine yrs old, in my classroom of fifth graders, drawing something creepy on a spare piece of paper, and I decided that leaning out the second story window was the perfect way to get back at the children who stole and tore it up for being ‘weird’.

Nine years old, leaning backwards out the window, thinking in that serene way you get when you’re dissociating hard enough, that I wouldn’t really care what would happen if I fell.

I think the substitute teacher we had that day gave me extra candy because he noticed something wasn’t quite right, from the way I would sit in my chair staring off into space, to how I didn’t even bother with bringing my hat to school most days because I wouldn’t be using it, sitting in the shade away from everyone else.

I had my first buddy class that day, unreasonably angry, I might’ve been shouting at this boy, I was sent to the grade six classrooms downstairs, that grade six teacher became my grade six teacher the next year. He’d been having this… debate, amongst these ten year olds, about social ethics of all things, and it was alarmingly interesting to my autistic little brain.

Once it was over and they were distracted he came over and talked to my about why I was crying now.

I wasn’t going to tell him that this was the first time I’d gotten in trouble at school, and there was no way he could have known that I would only have my first detention five years later, or that I was crying because I thought for sure that I would be disciplined once word got to my guardians at the time.

I don’t remember what he said exactly, but I do know that it was the first time I felt comfortable at that school, I’d only been there about four maybe five months, and when the next year came around, to find out that I was in his class was,,, awe-inspiring, I suppose.

I’d never had more than one or two friends at a time before his class, but suddenly I found myself with maybe six or seven of them. I was actually socialising! Of course the moment high school came around and I wasn’t in their school anymore, we fell off quite quickly.

But I will never forgot that teacher, that one teacher I actually felt like a child around.

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How do I tell my mother that I don’t like cutting chicken because it feels a bit too much like my own thigh when I’m in the shower and I’m afraid to so much as put the knife against it because I don’t want to relapse

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I like me some chicken flavoured corn mmm mmm mym

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Acid reflux I hate you

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Fuck, i wish I lived alone because then I could eat an entire packet of ham or frozen bananas without being judged.

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He wants some of my ham >:3

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I just want to be able to eat something without throwing up u stupid fucking god, why did u do this to mefuck you

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MY RIBS HURT FUCK ME

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Why am I chewing on honey like it’s a fucking ritz cracker?????

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Just got some compression socks, hope they help with my circulation and bones haha :)))

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Why are cats such assholes

They fucking ganged up on the dog, fucking cornered her like she was fucking doing anything

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Is it funny that I’ve only ever drank monsters for the taste?

They don’t do anything other than taste good for me, I just had like 2/3rds of my mango loco and then passed out for like 4 hours

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I’m back in that phase of autism, where everything but maybe one or two things make me wanna throw up hahahaha.