l1nussf4ngs

[l1nussf4ngs]

personal sp0

this is personal th1nsp0 for situations in my own life dont bother to read it

-at camp, during the party, ill be able to wear a sexy croptop and ill sit on a table with my arms propping me up and my concave stomach showing. people will talk to me, boys will aproach me

-if i ever need to change infront of my friends i will secretly get a little happy inside and for the first time i wont get nervous, quickly considering all the parts i need to hide, how im gonna hide them, how im gonna change fast enough, while facing the other way so my friends or whoever it is will see as little of my body as possible. ill just change, at a normal pace and then my friends will think im really chill for carelessly changing around them when in reality it was just an excuse to show off what i tried so hard building

-when my shirt rolls up during practice it wont be the end of the world

-ill be able to post mirror pics in nearly nothing and i wont mind posting let alone bikini pics being taken of me

-ill be able to just exist in a swimsuit at the beach like everyone else. ill be able to walk and sit and play sports in it without carefully taking my clothes off when i want to go swim and then quickly putting them back on when im out of the water and having everyone question whether im hot or not. it will be so much fun

-when changing during camp nella and jace will see how skinny my body is and jace will acknowledge it like he always did before i got f4t

-jaces cousin will never tell me anything like 'youre the same size as jace when he was a kid excet youre a bit f4tter' again

-at my summer house i will have my stomach out all the time. when going back, in the car, ill be wearing a white tanktop with black shorts and fishnet tights underneath and even tho im sitting down in the car i will look so good

-i wont be scared or at least a little less scared. if i learn were going to have to change in a changing room at any circumstance ever ill worry about my body hair and scars showing instead of my body hair, scars and f4t showing. if my makeup is smudged, hair a mess, outfit looks bad ill know that at least my body is pretty. there is nothing to be scared of accidentally revealing, nothing to hide. everything will be an excuse to show off my body

-guys will aproach me. girls will think im out of their league

-it wont be 'shes sk1nny but not that sk1nny' it wont be 'shes obviously not f4t but ive never seen her in tight clothes so shes obviously hiding something' it will be 'she is sk1nny'. fullstop.

-ILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN IN CROPTOPS. nah fuck that ill finally b able to actually wear croptops. to the mall maybe. yeah that sounds nice

-ILL WEAR THEM FUCKING CROPTOPS EVERYWHERE!!! UGHHHHHH

-ill look more masc and be more comfortable with my gender and mannerisms. also with the way i dance and the way i chose to sit. when lying down ill let my shirt roll up and it will look good.

-ill post a picture of my stomach and the beach with rocks or a drawing on it or something

-i wont worry about my portion not being big enough, i wont have to go back for seconds or have everyone wait while i finish my food, i wont have the biggest portion out of everyone and i wont be insecure that im going to get 'the look' when im done loading my plate with food and im walking back to the table, the plate heavy in my hands, as i know people are going to look at my plate and wonder or even worse, say out loud 'are you even gonna eat all of that?' (this mostly goes out for camp but also applies to any time im eating with other people)

-croptops.

-sitting down in croptops.

[l1nussf4ngs]

things i need in order of how badly i need them

a flat stomach. yk this is my weakness as someone who has a lifelong bloating problem it feels unreal. a flat stomach is the number one thing i want even if the rest of my body is fat af id be willing to make that trade. rather than rolls, i just straight up have a beer belly (that obviously forms into rolls when i sit down) but the size and roundness is what bothers me the most. it ruins all my outfits and makes my body from an 8 to a 3. if i ever get a flat stomach i will make sure to have it out in all my outifts, i will only wear crop tops

no armpit fat. this is a problem i have noticed the last couple of years, when i grew b00bs my armpits developed a bunch of rolls, not just one little pouch but a bunch and it looks so bad when im wearing a tank top. it also has to do with how fat my upper arms are but i dont really know which place i want to put thin upper arms at. these armpit rolls look disgusting, i cant wear dresses or anything without sleeves and i felt really insecure about them during this one trip i went on with my school where it was very hot and all i could really wear was sleeveless tops since all the girls were wearing them. i looked bad in everything and my best friend who is crazy sk1nny used to stare at my armpits because she had never seen me in a sleeveless top before i gained weight. i told myself i was just imagining her staring out of my own insecurity until she literally squeezed my armpit with her hand and asked me wtf is that. i will never forget how i felt in that moment. i think its really weird that my body collects f4t that way and i didnt have them when i was a kid (like my bloated stomach) so it really hurts that they are another reason i cant wear anything other than t shirts

thin upper arms. not much to say tbh i just wish they were more toned and the muscles were more defined but i have a long way to go for that. i really dont like the way the fat on the back of my arms spills backwards when theyre squishing against my body or how triangular my arms look when theyre raised above my head. lanky arms are my second weakness after the flat stomach

a thin face. my face is astronomically f4t and i actually mean it. this isnt even out of insecurity because i have grown to like my face its just the truth. compared to the rest of my body it has always been f4t, its round with saggy cheeks and bloated undereyes which create these two little pouches and people often ask me if they are bruises. i have a double chin and no jawline. i have managed to work around this with the correct haircut, makeup, posture etc but two years ago my jawline was my biggest insecurity. i have accepted the fact my face will never been thin or oval shaped but it can debloat and i can lose my saggy cheeks if i really try

this is where it gets less intense, things i can make do without but i still want. thin arms and hands. ik i mentioned thin upper arms before but thin forearms have been my wish for the longest time, theyre so pretty i need them

my hips. theyre round. i like that in certain outfits, it gives me curves and i know that since im a woman and its my body shape the roundness will never completely leave but i dont want it to. i just wish they werent so f4t

calves i guess. most girls on 3dblr want long thin legs more than anything and i kind of get it but i dont. i like the idea of a baggy fit with thin legs showing underneath but not nearly as much as a crop top with a concave stomach showing. i understand the hype but i dont really care that much about legs since my thighs are already quite skinny compared to the rest of my body. my calves have gotten fatter these past few years tho and im short so it makes my legs look triangular-f4t under the knee and really sk1nny on the ankles. tbh id rather they were f4t all over than this weird af f4t distribution

my back. it doesnt rly look f4t but i can feel the f4t if i grab onto it and i dont like that. i dont get rolls on my back when i sit down but i feel like im pretty close to getting them and i dont like that either. i want my spine to show a bit, it would look cool

[l1nussf4ngs]

i feel like this goes without mention but really dont want people seeing my posts. whch is weird because i am ptting them on a public server but like

[l1nussf4ngs]

im back...

its been so long.. i am not ok. i had a guy, briefly, who gave me everything I had ever wanted in life and randomly decided to leave me. It is now day three without him and I couldnt even go to school. I am finally crying again for the first time in months if not years but it is still not continuous crying its more like constantly being on the verge of tears and only crying a ittle bit when I get really frustrated. The pain comes and goes in waves and mostly just hits when I think of the way things used to be. Its not even him that I miss. Its not his touch or his face but the things we did together, the things he promised to do which he never will. two days ago I relapsed in my bathtub with smashing pumpkins playing. Last night i relapsed even worse to change in the house of flies by deftones. It felt really good, I hit some pretty small styros on my uper arm that didnt hurt at all and realised my fear tolerance is practically gone which is weird because I had been clean for a really long time before this. This is also dangerous for me because things could easily get out of hand now that Im going deeper with ease but I must remind myself that I am in control and if staying clean in theory doesnt motivate me enough keeping my arms clean will. The pain is truly unbearable, I havent been able to eat at all and I really hoe this continues this way because then I will lose weight. The pain was so bad I talked to my mom about it, told her I was going through some sort of depressive episode but she wasnt much help and has realised that there is something going on at school. I didnt touch my schoolwork at all last night, I tried paintint something and for a while it worked but I just ended up cvtting up my arms and smearing the blood all over the pages. I think I want to go to the gym, reinvent myself, I always thought the idea of reeinventing yourself ater a heartbreak is cringy but I think Im not doing it so he sees what he is missing out on but because I need a stronger version of myself to pull me out of this black hole. I dont know how im gonna make it.

[l1nussf4ngs]

IM BACK

posting again in honor of november and WE ARE SO BACK

the reason im so late is because i wasnt thinking of logging in this year but im getting kinda f4t so..

i was just reading my posts from last year and i just realised it was this time last year that i was complaining about being 45 fucking kgs and now IM 50?!?!

anyway i fucked up real bad but im not ry thinking of relapsing just yet. (sh) ive been pretty clean all summer and can feel my addiction going away,i wanna do it but thinking of my mom jst makes me sad so like maybe not this year..

i was also thinking of not joining the ed community AT ALL this year but seeing the 45 changed my mind. im not exacty positive that i can do it this year but theres just no other choice.

im in a different school now and things are diffferent but somehow i just look much worse

i rly hope i can shed some pounds this year..

feel free to message me

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

can someone tell me why my styros r barely bleeding

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

bruise :3

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

bite markkkkk

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

babies and other stuff from this week :3

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

my lip so far. (ignore how fat and wierd it looks lmao)

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

when i was around 13 i hit the best styro w/o even knowing what styro was. its been years and i still have a raised scar from it but it seems like im scared to hit styro now??? pathetic

[l1nussf4ngs]

Radom

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[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

idk if ive said this already but my weight. has fucking plateaued. for two yers. and i am losing my shit. ITS BEEN AT 45KG FOR SO FUCKING LONG NO MATTER WHAT I DO I CANT LOSE ANY WEIGHT LOWER THAN THAT. IK NO1 SEES MY POSTS BUT PLS. IM BEGGING. ANYONE. HELP ME

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

honestly smth that rly helps for me is not rly thinking abt it. when i was completely aware of what i was doing tried to think abt food 24/7 and tried to hv absolute control over everything it j made my body react the opposite way. instead of yelling at myself DON U DARE EAT THAT i think ok let’s not yk. like ik it sounds rly stupid but after a short while it’s become normal. i don rly hv to think abt skipping deserts anymore cuz i do it anyway for example. it also sort of silences it out it a way like if i ignore what i’m doing i sort of ignore the hunger is there. head empty

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

little update that no one’s gonna read but eh. it’s the second week of skl and i’ve already missed three days in a row just because. tomorrow i’m going back to skl and i’m rlly nervous. my parents are acting like it’s an absolutely tragedy and are taking me to a therapist and a psychiatrist. on the first week of skl we did the fitness pacer test and i came out first which basically means last (the worst score) i’ve gotten the worst score almost every year so it wasn’t a surprise but this year it was worse than any other year ever. this girl who’s overweight and does zero exercise who i wanted to beat beat me. i thought i had bettered my stamina not to mention yesterday i ran a whole kilometer with barely any breaks (ik it’s not a lot but it’s a lot for me). i go to practice 3 times a week but other than that i don’t do any exercise that i promised myself i’d do except for occasional sit ups. i will get back to it soon even thought in two days it’s my birthday party and i’m gonna eat a lot i’m gonna get back on track with that cause i haven’t been eating much anyway due to all the stress. i had some chocolate yesterday but other than that my eating is okay though nowhere near where i want it to b. my weight is still between 46 and 45 tho closer to 45 i’m starting to get so fucking mad it decided to plateau at 45 and hasn’t changed for so long like what is this a checkpoint. anyway my bras now fit at their tightest when i wore them at their loosest a week ago and they still felt tight. i’m super confused about this since i haven’t lost any weight but ig i might b building muscle?? im rlly happy abt the bra thing and the fact im not as bloated anymore but my face is still rlly fat and overall i wish the process was faster. Anyone got any tips to get out of the plateau w/o passing out?

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

reminder that this arm

can also look like

this arm

took both these photos today they’re just at a different angle. social media is fake

[l1nussf4ngs]

TW

would y’all rate this fat skinny/avg b brutally honest