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Tall Tails and Long Paws

By C. S. Ubert

     Imagine this with me if you will, dear reader, a beast so fantastical and surprising to the eyes that it defies all conceivable biological earthly rules. I come to you now to spread the news that such an animal exists and roams the woods in the outskirts of our quaint and simple town of Denverville. This creature, unspeakably terrifying in its stature, has the innate ability to grow cucumbers from it's hideously pointed and furry ears rendering the labors of the nearby Springfield Cucumber Farmers useless. Tusks the length of an ordinary household floor lamp capable of slicing through even Mrs. Hornigold's hard rolls sprout from its mouth. Creature sightings have swarmed the local police department over the past several weeks and based on these reports the estimated size of the creature is anywhere between a 4 story apartment building, kind of like the one’s over at Northwood Apartment complex--they do have such nice facilities, to a small field mouse. 

     This winged and probably striped creature has been heard pouncing from rooftop to rooftop to backyard and then back to rooftop. I have this firsthand account from Mr. Nathaniel Guttontrop the former architect who lives on Birch Tree Ln and it is quite compelling, but contains an incredible amount of profanities which I do not wish to subject the reader to at this moment. So, instead here is an account provided by Mrs. Minerva Lidwig, the widow of Salisbury Street,

"While I was in my nightgown performing my nightly routine of watching Conan and peeling potato skins I heard this loud squawking sound coming from my chimney. Well, it really wasn't so much like a squawking sound it sounded more like a bawk-squalling sound. Or no that's not quite right either. It was more like-" 

     Mrs. Lidwig proceeded to make horrible sounds for the next 5 minutes trying to imitate the creature.

 "--anyway after a while the sound stopped as abruptly as it had started. It was then that I noticed that I hadn't seen my lovely Purty around. Purty is my cat, of course. I began to worry as any mother would, so I waited for the next commercial break and I went looking for my dear Purty. I still haven't found her. I bet it was that horrible Mrs. Hornigold next door. I'm sure of it! In fact the other day that miserable bitc--."

     Chilling. Not only does this creature have the capability to ruin the economic stability of our local farmers but it can apparently turn neighbors against one another. I, myself, caught a glimpse of one of its nine tails as it dove into Lake Trout while I was out fishing on the dock 2 days ago with my new fishing pole. I am unaware of the sort of things this creature would do below the water but rest assured that it is unholy in nature or at the very least not suitable for children below the age of 13. I urge every single citizen to be weary of this creature. If you sight this horrible winged slimy thing and your head has not yet imploded please look away and then help the child next to you look away and then immediately head to your nearest police station to report the sighting. 

     This life form does not abide by our mortals rules, is extremely dangerous, and has a particular taste for household nicknacks and sporting goods. Why, my very neighbor William Lowsby noticed his fishing pole went missing just the other day but he refuses to accept the simple fact that a devil creature who has the ability to phase shift through walls and walk on lily pads of flame was the culprit. Instead he blames me. Will, if you are reading this, you are a miserable old rat and I did not take your fishing pole. 

     Good luck everyone, except Will. Just remember to stay safe and keep your head down so that the creature's incredibly sharp talons don't sever your head from your shoulders as it leaps through the air. 

-A Concerned Citizen

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Advice to Prevent Car Theft

By C. S. Ubert

    Despite the fact that cars are an outdated piece of technology which will undoubtedly be replaced by the vastly superior mode of transportation, the horse-drawn air balloon, cars are an ordinary household commodity owned by nearly everyone who hates walking. So, if you are like me and hate walking and want to defend your right not to walk, then follow the advice listed below to prevent becoming a victim of car theft.

1.  Never park your car outside.

   This is highly recommended and reduces the probability of car theft by approximately a very large percentage; however, I understand this may be difficult for some of the readers out there, especially those of you who live in a mobile home or an apartment. Not to worry. If your car cannot be stowed indoors, you can always bury your car in a large hole. Large holes are quite easy to come by and can be a top-notch DIY project if not readily available. While technically not “indoors” I can assure you that any wannabe car thief will be greatly discouraged once they discover that your car is covered by 6 ft of Earth.

2. Install a state-of-the-art defense system.

    Bermingham Auto Security Systems. Bermingham is here to help protect what matters most. For more than 40 years, car owners have trusted Bermingham to deliver the best automobile security equipment and services you need most. Call (904) 454-4201 or fill out the form below and a Bermingham Specialist will call you, from time to time, about Bermingham offers.

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Bermingham Auto Security Systems

4125 Star Rat Rd. Jacks, KT 22222

Name:   _______________________  

Phone Number: __________________

Email: ________________________

Address: ______________________

              ______________________

              ______________________

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3. Break into your own car.

   Nothing demoralizes a car thief more than to come across a car that has already been broken into. Now this is no easy task and takes some delicate planning. You don’t want your neighbors to see you breaking into your car because they might think that you have lost your mind, and they are very likely to call the authorities. Therefore, break into your car at the dead of night when they are all asleep and not capable of identifying your face from a distance. Forget the coat hanger in the window, take a crowbar and simply smash the passenger side window. This method is more efficient and offers some theatrics to the activity. Rough up the inside your car a bit to really sell it. NOTE: DISABLE THE CAR ALARM FIRST.

4. Sell your car.

    You don’t have to worry about your car being broken into if you no longer have a car. This method puts a little money in your pocket.

5. Move to the Moon.

    The Moon, at the time this article is written, is uninhabited so is unlikely to be home to any car thieves. The Moon offers freedom from the chains of the societal intricacies plaguing the everyday car owner. Earth’s oldest orbiting celestial body is a car owner's dream: no traffic, no speed limits, and no school crossings. What more could you want? The only downside is the lunar dust will really muck up the outside of your car which necessitates regular car washes at least once a week.

6. Become a master of disguise.

    This will take years of committed practice but any individual who wishes to prevent some hooligan from breaking into their car will surely find the time. Once you are a master of disguise you can hide your car in plain sight by merely making it look like a police car, an armored van, or a common house cat; none of which a car thief is likely to trifle with.

7. Learn to play the French Horn.

   No one likes people who play the French Horn. If you become the French Horn house, people will naturally steer clear of your house. They will say, “Why won’t that guy quit playing the French Horn? He’s not even very good at it.” And your car will be safe.

8. It’s too late.

    If you are here reading this article because your car is currently being broken into and you are looking for guidance, then you came to the wrong place. I would recommend the articles titled Oh My God, A Thief. Quick Somebody Call the Police: Now What? or I am in the Backseat of My Car and the Thief Still Has Not Noticed Me: What Should I Do?

Both are excellent reads.

-A Well-meaning Neighbor

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Large Burly Bodyguard Wanted

    Help! I’m in trouble. I’ve made a few poor decisions and now the Italian Mafia is after me. How was I supposed to know the Godfather was allergic to tomato sauce?! Those who have weak constitutions need not apply. The work is 45hrs/wk for $10.50 an hour plus tips.

The position requires that you:

Speak some Italian

Be able to take a baseball bat to the shins

Be willing to be a human shield

Are capable of lifting approximately 45lbs

Know how to dispose of bodies

Can drive stick shift

Know how to use a gun

Can cook

Formal attire is not required but is desired. The job is in state unless we have to go on the run, in which case you must be able to accommodate. Serious inquiries only. Please call 777 - 7272 if you are interested. If you call and I do not answer, it is likely that I am already dead. Hurry!