lachenlernen

[lachenlernen]

today i left my bed at 12, took a shower and ate breakfast. i didn't know what to do until a friend hit me up. we've been struggling a bit, not knowing how we should spend our time. we ended up going to a hot spring. we had a lot of fun and went for dinner afterwards. it's really been a good day. then i got back home. did the dishes, brushed my teeth and put on my pyjama. i put on some music, danced around my room, put down my make up and brushed my hair. then i layed down on the floor, turned off the lights and turned on my star projector and listened to it's a heartache by bonnie tyler on repeat and then it hit me. that i am alone, that there's no one to love for me. i've got so much to give and i give way too easily and too fast, but i really want to share my love with someone. i am lonely and it's gotten so hard to keep calm. to not wake up shaking in the middle of the night. i really really try to focus on the good things happening in my life right now and i like where i am in life right now, i just feel like it's not enough or maybe too much at once. i don't know, i'm never really sure about anything anymore. i just wish that someone would hold me for a bit. i feel so fragile even on the best days and i don't know what to do about it. there's something wrong inside of me and i don't know what it is or how to fix it. i'm so tired of aching like this most of the time. i don't want to be sad when really i've had a good day. i am so sick of myself being who i am and my head doing what it does without being able to do anything about it. i feel trapped

[lachenlernen]

i miss your skin against mine

[lachenlernen]

21062018

it's been years now and nothing's changed. i thought it got better because i stopped hurting myself physically, but does that really make it better? i guess not. hurting myself in other ways now. 2 years or so ago i started noticing that i no longer care, that i lost interest in activities i used to love. now, 2 years later, i still don't care but i'm loosing interest in people as well. guess that's a bad sign. i get annoyed so easily, even by people i used to love more than everything. i've been at a friend's last week and it probably was a good week. man i used to love that girl so much, she's my inspiration, my better half, my safety place. she was the one to have my back and to calm me down when everything was falling apart and now she just seems to annoy me. the way she talks, what she's talking about, her voice in general. there were moments in which i wanted to scream at her, tell her to shut up, to stop talking meaningless bullshit. the way she talks as if she's a fucking goddess. she's putting herself high upon a throne no one is able to reach. i don't know if it really is like this or if it's just what i see. not sure what's real anymore. i feel like i'm just seeing a sick version of what's happening around me. the way people interact or how the weather changes. i'm not sure what's really there and what i'm making up in my mind. i want to see a therapist again, that's for sure, but that for i'd have to talk to a doctor so he'd get me a therapist. i'm not sure if people take me for real, most of them probably don't. man i got so scared lately. so very afraid of who i am or what my mind is making me out to be. i don't like who i am as a person. i'm an asshole. i blame people for nearly everything and i make them feel uncomfortable. i hate that about myself but i can't help it. sometimes i say something and regret it right after cuz i realize how mean that was, how much it might've hurt the other person. then on the other hand there are so many things that i got in mind which would've hurt them way worse. maybe i prefer hurting because everyone's taking me for granted when i don't. they still take me for granted bzt that way i feel like i got some control over it, when i really don't. i might act like an asshole from time to time but fucking everyone knows that i'm not. everyone knows that i'm way too softhearted. you could drag me through hell and i'd still hold your hand when you need me to. but in most cases it's not handholding. in most cases it's something sexual. they know that they can cuz they know that it's just me. that i'm willing to do whatever it takes. a part of me knows that there's no good reason why i should let these people fuck me, that they ain't got the right to do so, but than there's the other part. am i really worth more than my body? there's not many people i've loved, but there's never been much these people liked about me besides my body. i don't know if i'm the one to blame for that, but i guess i am. i'm never sure if i'm interesting. when you loose interest in everything there's not much left to talk about. i got my music and my vinyls and that's pretty much it. i don't know what i'm into. concerts, i guess, and good sex. there is nothing better than concerts. i feel like i'm complete when i stand there and scream along. for a short time i am part of something bigger. i am no longer me. i am just a voice in the crowd. is there anything better than screaming lyrics that mean the world to you next to people who feel the same? it makes me feel like they're feeling the pain that i feel, like they're seeing the things that i feel. it makes me feel like i am not alone. i love that. but concerts end and then i'm back and then it comes again. crushing loud and powerful, ruining everything that's been left. like unstoppable waves. it's taking everything with it and it's not leaving anything behind. and it's comming back. again and again and again. i am scared that at some point it won't have to come back cuz it never left. i feel stuck and alone and i'm so tired

[lachenlernen]

10062018

today i saw my dad. we didn't say a single word to eachother, i smiled at him but he didn't smile back. i wouldn't say that i miss him, but it's hard sometimes. it's so weird, i mean i had a dad for nearly past 18 years and now, suddenly, i ain't got a dad anymore. i mean he's still there, but it's not like he still exists. my dad became a stranger. a stranger i used to share my life with. i sorta wish that he'd still be part of my life but on the other hand anger is growing in my stomach as soon as i hear his name in a conversation. how can you call yourself a dad when you don't even greet your own daughter? when you don't care about her life? when she's graduating right now and you're not giving a single fuck? you don't talk shit about your daughter, not like that. he's still my dad without being my dad. it's just really really hard to un-dad and i wish i didn't have to, but he ain't a dad anymore. it hurts more than what i expected and it's really confusing. the pain itself is so fragile. its roots reach so deep but are yet so thin.

years ago i got to know someone i love a lot. he's kind and honest and he's got a beatiful mind. his lips are the prettiest i've ever seen and the softest i've ever felt. i never felt so good around someone. he gives me calm and i feel safe when i'm with him. his voice is so relaxing, i love just listening to his voice. it brings me peace when on the other hand it's giving me panick attacks. i barely speak a single word when he's around, constantly afraid to say something wrong or silly. i know you'd prefer me saying something meaningless over me being quite all the time, but i can't help it but stay silent. i want to talk to him. there's so much i want to tell him, but the words won't come out. he probably tjinks i'm the most boring person ever and i hate that thought. i want him to know who i am. i want to be me around him and i want to kiss him when i feel like it, but i'm just so damn afraid and i don't know what to do about it. i want to be me. i want him to see who i am. that i am smart and funny and cute and that i can be sexy as well. i want to tell him about the dirty things i want him to do with me and i want to tell him how good his skin feels against mine. i want to talk to him without being scared, i just want to say whatever comes to my mind without caring what i'm saying there. oh lord, i miss him so much.

[lachenlernen]

daddy treated his lil babygirl so good

[lachenlernen]

[lachenlernen]

Whoops, deleted on accident 😓

[lachenlernen]

life is great.

life is even greater when your father says that he's gonna kill himself if he's got to leave the family.

yeah really, i love life.

[lachenlernen]

honestly, i'm so close to cutting again and idk what to do and it's all just a lil too much and i really need someone to stay and i don't feel like i can do this any longer. i want to scream someone please just end all of this

[lachenlernen]

i don't feel like it's going to work out this time and it's got really bad lately and cutting seems pretty real again

[lachenlernen]

14092017

lots of things happened. my brother was about to hit my mum with a mug. i got closer to paula again. i booked a flight to liverpool. i decided to get tattooed for my 18th birthday. my dad spends oney that we don’t have. josh is pissed for whatever reason. i still feel weird thinking about vivienne. i think i’m closer to my mum than ever. i wouldn’t mind if my brother got hit by a car. myy little sister said that she hates me, that hurt a lot. my lil brother is going to primary school now. tom wanted to make out again, i told him not to, he kept on getting on my nerves. my room is a mess lately. still couldn’t get myself to put away the blankets that dennis slept in. listening to lanas cover of goodbye kiss on replay, i love her version so much, it breaks my heart  over and over again. i’m getting too little sleep these last weeks. i cried a lot within the last months. whenerv my brother opens his mouth i get scared, i can’t have him to keep telling my mother that she’s an ungrateful piece of shit when she was the one who did every damn thing for him. she probably still would. i’m going to meet mel in 2 days and i’m really lookiing forward to seeing her. haven’t seen her in a quite long time and missed her a lot. also she’s probably the only person i can talk to at the moment. i could talk to vivienne, but honstely, i don’t want to. tom just texted me that he hadn’t had sex for a month now. idk what to do with this information. my mum is crying a lot lately. i hate to see her cry. somehow it’s weird that none of this would’ve ever happened if i hadn’t had been born. been t hinking about cutting a lot the last 3 months, i’m clear for over a year now but it is hard to fight against it. when i was younger i thought that all of this was normal. that it’ normal for siblings to fight. i mean, it is, but not the way my brother and i fought. i thought it was normal that sometimes, when you fight with your sibling, he hits you with a stick. that you end up having bruises all over your body, all over your head. i thought it was normal that parents yelled at eachother and i thought it was normal to get hit by them, doesn’t matter if it’s just been the hand or it it’s been the belt. i thought that was normal because i didn’t know any better, how should i? then i grew older, but things didn’t change. now my brother would hit me with a stick while i’m lying on the floor, my friends standing next to us not saying anything at all. i realized that it’s not normal to tell your sister that she should better kill herself if she wants to do her family a favour. it learned that there is something really really wrong when your 4 year old sister comes back with a laceration from the family holidays. not because she fell, but because your dad had beaten her up. i also learned that it is nomal that parents fight from time to time. but i also learned that it is not normal that your dad tells your mum that he’s going to hit her too if he won’t stop hitting my, by this time 5 year old, sister. i learned that it’s not normal to get sick whenever your dad opens his mouth. i learned that it is not okay to manipulate 5 and 6 year old kids. i realized that in other families there aren’t sons who will yell all the ugliest of words at their mother. i learned that sons normally don’t try to stab their dad with a knife. i noticed that people normally don’t call your parents because they are worrid that you might kill your self. not at the age of 13. at the age of 16 i learned that you normally don’ tell your parents that you want to kill yourself because of them, doesn’t matter if you’re drunk or if it’s the truth, you just don’t.i thought a lot about how it must feel to have a son that calles you awful names and tries to hurt you mentally and physically and to have a daughter that has cut herself because of you and that tells you that she wants to die because of what you did to her. it must be horrible. the thought alone makes me cry. and sometimes i still catch myself feeling sorry for my dad. and then i get angry. i get angry at him. for all the times that he hit my brother, for all the times that he called my brother ugly names, for all the times that he wasn’t there for my brother, for all the times that he made my brother think that he was the good one and that my mother as the bad one. and for all the times that he did the same to me. and to my lil ones. and for all the times that he didn’t care when i told him about my problems, for all the times that he told me about my families financial problems, for all the times that he lost his job, for all the times that he put himself over me and over the family. i’m mad at myself for not beeing brave enough to go and see a psychatrist again. i hate how i feel so responsible for everything. how i think that it i up to me to save the lil ones. i feel so responsible for making my mum feel good, eventhough she is so sad about things that i can’t change. i hate that i feel so responsible for vivienne. i hate that i am such a good person. you could put me through the deepest shit and i would still be there for you if you ever ment something to me. that how it is with paula, that’s how it is with tom and that’s how it is with dennis. that’s how it would be with josh. i even hate myself a lot ffor not being able to keep the relationship with josh going. i just couldn’t. for a hile iwas happy with him, really really happy. a lot of things lost it’s meaning when i was with him and that was great. he was the first one ever that i introduced to paula. i was so excited for that day and then i was even more excited for the weekend on the lake with the summer party. i sorta even got jealous when paula and josh got along so well, but it made me really happy as well. i wish this would’ve worked. we were great, at least for a while. nad then, suddenly, things came back. suddenly everything was the same again. my head went on screaming again, he started to get on my nerves, i stopped being all too excited forr seeeing him. and i don’t know why, i really don’t know why, suddenly it all stopped for me. like a wheel that got stuck. i coulnd’t move. i felt trapped, trapped with something that i didn’t want, when all i ever wanted was a relationship like that. sometimes i miss having him around a lot. he always felt like a safe plaace. a place to come to when everything else was bad again. but the thoughts found my safe place and fucked it up. he wasn’t safe anymore and i started noticing things which i really didn’t like about him. after the break up it was weird but we stll got long pretty well. now he seems to be really pissed t me and i don’t really know why. maybe because i wanted my money back, i don’t know. he always told me to be honest with him and now he won’t even tell me why he’s pissed. it is weird to have him do all the thing he once did for me doing for charlotte now.  it actually hurts a little. but i guess it doesn’t hurt becuse i want him back or something, i don’t. i guess it hurts because he told me that it probably would tke him years, maybe a hole lifetime to get over me. and now, not even 3 months late he seems to be over me. it hurts a lot to kno that even he got over me. i just really hope that vienna next week won’t be too bad and i am so looking forward to philips and lucas birthday. and to seeing my babe paula again and i also am looking forward to talking to tim again. 

i just wish that things were differen, that i ould smoke less, that it would hurt less, that i would sleep more or at lest i wish that these nightmares would stop. i feel empty a lot. i don’t know what of who i am looking for.

[lachenlernen]

hahahahahahahaha the moment the girl who had an affair with your ex while knowing that you still love him and what he did to you now starts getting close to your latest ex boyfriend. so nice. it's great to have friends. really, so so great. fuck you hard girl

[lachenlernen]

You still cross my mind from time to time. And I mostly smile. Still so set on finding out where we went wrong and why So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen trying to figure out what my head thinks but my head just ain't what it used to be. And then again, what's the point anyway? I remember you ascending all the stairs up to the balcony to see if you could see me - hidden quietly away And I remember the skin of your fingers The spot three quarters up I'd always touch when I was out of things to say. You held my hand, but you were too afraid to speak, you were too afraid to speak and I could never understand. I remember when you leaned in quick to kiss me, and I swear that not a single force on earth could stop the trembling of my hand And I remember how you smiled through the smoke in a crowded little coffeehouse and laughed at all my jokes. And I remember the way that you dressed and how we wasted all the best of us in alcohol and sweat And I remember when I knew that you'd be leaving, how I barely kept up breathing and I bet if I had to do it all again, I'd feel the same pain And I remember panicked circles in the terminal in tears. How I wept to god in fits. I've hated airports ever since. It must be true what people say, that only time can heal the pain. And every single day I feel it fade away, but - I still remember how the distance tricked us and lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured. I still remember how we held so strong to this though we had never really settled on a way out. I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way to turn and run to our mistakes. I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again. My dear, I hear your voice in mine. I've been alone here I've been alone here I've been afraid, my dear I've been afraid, my dear I've been at home here I've been at home here You've been away for years You've been away for years I've been alone I've been alone I've been alone I've been alone I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me. I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea. I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear. It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear. So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head. And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead. If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend. And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end. i miss you a lot.

[lachenlernen]

on monday you wanted to talk. you were drunk. my friend told me not to talk to you and i didn't.

i wish i did.

i want to tell you the truth. that i love you and that i miss you and i want to kiss you.

[lachenlernen]

A relationship should not drain you.

this counts for friendships too.

[lachenlernen]

[lachenlernen]

this is one of our problems. i hate you for net letting me in. for telling me that you want me back as your best friend and for still not telling me anything at all.

Neck Deep- Say What You Want (x)