ladysparklefarts

[ladysparklefarts]

The prank got out of control. That is nothing new.

Most clones are the Cornish Rex breed. Cornish Rex cats have curly fur.

@eobe @lonewolflupe @eclec-tech @saeirin @clonethirstingisreal @ghostymarni

[ladysparklefarts]

[ladysparklefarts]

Here’s something in the first season of The Bad Batch that has always made me laugh during every rewatch.

Omega: *audibly struggling and getting captured by Cad Bane*

Tech: Damn this WiFi fucking sucks ass

[ladysparklefarts]

Feeling some emotions regarding them

[ladysparklefarts]

fives based on this photo of pedro pascal tehee ->

[ladysparklefarts]

[ladysparklefarts]

Life Support Issues

“All right, so… where do you have the plans?” the Rebel technician asked. “An R2 unit like this could have a hundred hiding places.”

R2 beeped and whistled.

“Ah, I see,” Threepio said. “Yes, Artoo has reminded me that in fact the plans are not only in a data card, but also redundantly stored inside his own system – that’s how he was able to access the systems so readily. He will be able to transfer them quite readily through a standard data access port.”

“We can get that set up, sure,” the tech agreed, gesturing, and his assistant brought over a cable.

As he did, though, Threepio looked with interest at his old friend and counterpart.

“Were you supposed to do that?” he asked.

R2 beeped again.

“Yes, I suppose it is a good thing that you did, but I’m asking if you were supposed to,” Threepio replied. “Don’t try and play semantics with me, Artoo.”

R2 provided a long string of bleeps and whistles, and C-3PO stepped back.

“You did?” he asked. “Oh my… well, I suppose I did ask you to do that first one.”

“Do what?” the tech asked, halfway through plugging in the cable.

“Well, we were on the Death Star,” C-3PO replied. “And while rescuing Princess Leia, Master Luke and their friends, I had Artoo shut down all the garbage compactors on the Death Star, and then open the door to the one that they were in. Artoo has informed he that, in fact, he opened all the entrances shortly before we left.”

He made a displeased noise. “In addition, he flushed all the drinkable water into the black water systems, raised the temperature in the food storage areas to two hundred and fourteen degrees centigrade, and sealed the doors to every lavatory on the ship. I am also reliably informed that the artificial gravity generators have been independently set to what he calls ‘shuffle’ and that the plumbing system on the Death Star is comprehensive enough to permit him to transport fluids randomly around the entire plumbing system through a series of several thousand distributed commands which trigger on and off at random, at times ranging from five minutes to three days.”

A pause.

“Also, that reversing the gravity in the shuttle and vehicle maintenance bays produced a quite satisfying crunching sound of valuable equipment breaking. Artoo, did you really have to do all of that?”

R2 whistled, helpfully.

“Yes, I suppose they did blow up Alderaan,” Threepio admitted. “I’m just worried that at this point we might be committing war crimes ourselves.”

“This is becoming ridiculous,” Tarkin said, as blaster fire crackled up and down the corridor. “Half the ship is fighting itself and the other half is trying desperately to find a fresher.”

The firing intensified outside, then Darth Vader loomed imperiously out of the door and the various factions went from exchanging fire to fleeing.

“Have you found anything about what happened?” the Sith Lord asked, returning his attention to Tarkin. “I could believe one of these failures was accidental, but this is clearly deliberate.”

“It has been a little hard to gather information,” the Grand Moff replied, testily. “Since my analyst team is having to defend their access to a shuttle bay which might have an intact shuttle and the last Star Destroyer to try and render assistance was destroyed by two thousand turbolaser batteries all firing on it at once on automatic. But clearly there has been some sort of unauthorized access.”

“The plans,” Darth Vader said, firmly. “The Princess clearly passed them off to someone. The same group as her rescuers… Kenobi’s team. Kenobi is dead, but the smuggler ship must have had a strike team…”

He trailed off.

“But this is the work of an expert slicer,” he resumed. “A normal commando team couldn’t have done this much damage this quickly.”

“There is a report that one of my analysts found,” Tarkin said. “That a golden protocol droid and a blue-white astromech droid were acting suspiciously near Docking Bay 327.”

“Ah,” Darth Vader said, his tone somewhat different. “That explains everything. In fact, I am suspicious that there must be something we have missed.”

“Vader?” Tarkin asked.

“R2 has left us something else,” Vader answered. “I can feel it.”

Tarkin started giggling.

“...ah,” Vader declared. “There it is.”

“Nitrous oxide?” C-3PO asked. “Really?”

R2 whistled.

“I don’t care if you had to improvise and that it’s easily produced from available life support gases,” C-3PO replied, shaking his head. “Really, R2.”

[ladysparklefarts]

Found on pinterest. The artist is FlyingRotten@CamilleCailloux on Twitter.

[ladysparklefarts]

[ladysparklefarts]

TIME TO THRASH FOR THE HOLIDAY

[ladysparklefarts]

Every friend group Jedi Lineage should include:

A bimbo:

A mean bisexual:

An even meaner lesbian:

She/theys:

He/theys:

A token straight that’s on thin ice:

An astrology bitch who has everyone’s birth chart memorized:

A short king:

[ladysparklefarts]

Time Travel is my favourite trope and I think we need more fics where both Obi-Wan AND Qui-Gon time travel together because no matter when they get sent it's chaos. They're saving the galaxy and being physic flash-bangs to everyone around them.

like before Bandomeer?

The entire council is baffled to watch as Qui-Gon 'never taking a padawan again' Jinn has suddenly cut off his post-Xanatos depression tour to return to the temple and beeline to the creche with a frantic energy. His wild eyes immediately single out a fluffy, red-haired initiate.

"You." he exhales with a pointed finger, slightly ominous as he towers over the child. Said child starts vibrating with delight. "Me." he agrees, launching himself at the man. Qui-Gon drops to his knees with a thud that cannot be healthy. Obi-Wan's attempts to clamber into Qui-Gon's robes and maybe onto his shoulders is thwarted by the fact that Qui-Gon's massive hands are cupping Obi-Wan's tiny squishy cheeks. He stares at the initiate for a few minutes with an intensity that is starting to worry people.

Finally, "You're so small." Qui-Gon sounds like he might cry.

'What the fuck?' Plo Koon projects at Mace.

"I'm 9! That tends to be the case!" the child chirps back.

"You're nine." Oh. Ah. Qui-Gon's eyes are distinctively misty. He squishes the boy in a hug so hard he squeaks. Mace makes a series of gestures that imply the need for a head-scan. Depa obligingly drifts off towards the halls. Qui-Gon scoops the child up onto his hip and claims him as his padawan on the spot. The assorted council members and creche-masters burst into noise. Mace tells Depa to bring some space ibuprofen as well.

after Naboo?

Anakin is a little apprehensive of his place in both the order and Obi-Wan's life, but then one day Obi-Wan wakes up and is suddenly a lot less sad in the force?? In fact, if Anakin didn't know better he'd say he was almost giddy, but he's watched Obi-Wan try to pretend his world hasn't fallen apart for the past few months so it can't be that, right? And um, Miss Bant? He knows grief is a funny thing that affects people differently but he's pretty sure 'massive mood swing' and 'having full conversations with invisible people' is not...great? and you said to tell you if Obi-Wan got really weird in any way.

Anyway after a lot of medical exams, intense consultation with the archives, and a couple exorcisms, Anakin ends up being raised by his 'real' master and his ghost master. He is far more well adjusted emotionally and far less well adjusted for what counts as normal people behavior(not talking to thin air). When questioned on this, all he ever says is that he's talking to Qui-Gon. Isn't he...dead? Well, yes. Wait, he's a ghost? Ghosts are real? ...Well this ghost is real.

This starts a great number of existential crises among non-force sensitives and incredibly heated theological arguments amongst the Jedi. Whenever Obi-Wan is questioned on this, all he ever says is some variation of "the force got to know him for 5 seconds and kicked him back out." Mace backs him up on this even though that reasoning is technically blasphemous. Qui-Gon is having the time of his un-life. He's ascended to his final form, his sheer existence is a heresy, this is truly all he has ever aspired towards.

the Clone Wars?

The minute they get dropped back Qui-Gon immediately goes and haunts the shit out of Dooku. They have a signed terms of surrender and promise of info on the Sith Lord within the year. Only half of it is because Qui-Gon's giving Dooku complexes that are only perceptible to shrimp, the other half is because they now have a ghost spy that is not bound by the laws of physics nor spacetime.

Obi-Wan only nominally pays attention to this as he immediately goes and implements his 19 step seduction plan with Cody (he had to focus on something on Tatooine to pass the time). It fails. Spectacularly. Publicly. Ah right. Tatooine was not exactly the height of his sanity. Everyone in the GAR and temple is now riveted by High General and Councilor Obi-Wan Kenobi's attempts to go on a date with his Commander, who bats him away him like a particularly annoying stray and seems one bouquet of cactus away from committing mutiny. Anakin is worrying if it means his master knows about his secret marriage and this is some sort of really weird power play. (It is, but not in the way he thinks)

The next time Dooku goes after Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon spends a good few months appearing tear-stained at the edge of Dooku's perception and only communicating in terrible wails and discordant mutterings of 'padawan. my padawan. my little one.' 24/7.

"Wait, you're annoying Dooku into surrendering?"

"Oh no Anakin, we're crushing his psyche like a bug. :)"

[ladysparklefarts]

Codywan Dad!Obi Tatooine Fam Clone Rebellion/Death Star Come Early Au

(I actually lost all my notes & wips on this one 😭 Jotting down from memory here)

The Death Star finishes like 10 years early. Mainly bc I watched the Obi-Wan show & wanted Uncle!Obi raising bb!Leia

Bail is in Leia's role in ANH, only he is executed after being forced to watch Alderaan destroyed. Leia stowed away on his ship & was also captured but is held prisoner after witnessing this

Obi-Wan manages to break into the Death Star & rescue her, in this 'verse making it out alive with her. Owen & Beru *also* survive, & he has them flee Tatooine with Luke, and takes Leia to meet up with them on—idk??? Somewhere. Just a rando stopping point, bc they lowkey become like space pirates for a while

Ok not really *pirates* but maybe more like Robin Hood? Or travellers who do odd jobs, or... idk

Basically the idea is they're gonna be living on a spaceship for the next year so however that comes about 👍

We get some tension btwn Owen & Obi-Wan. Like, reluctant brother bonding. They shared a brother—Owen never knew Anakin, but he knew Shmi, and she spoke about him so much Owen grew fond of him as well. As far as he knows, the Jedi, of which Obi-Wan is the face, are responsible for spiriting away a young boy with promises of escape from harsh circumstances and instead exploited him & got him killed.

This is not a Jedi hate fic, but Owen is biased against them. He's also very much got judgmental quiet middle child vibes.

It's also gonna play into how Obi-Wan feels about his Jedi culture. He's got a lot going on with every thing that's happened, and denial/shoving it down can only last so long.

Beru is a bamf, obviously. She also has a more nuanced view on Obi-Wan—or rather, she doesn't let hurt and resentment cloud her view on him, bc Owen *does* understand more of the nuanced view, he just denies it to himself bc he's hurt & worried for his family.

Beru draws Obi-Wan subtly more into the family dynamic, basically like oh I see him brooding on the edges probably thinks he can slip away on us again haha right "oh hey I *really* need you to help make the [Star Wars varient of mashed potatoes] 🥰"

Beautiful manipulative bamf. Honestly, she's the one carrying the braincells—Obi-Wan is reeling from the trauma of opening himself to the Force for the first time in a decade only to be hit with the screaming slaughter of Alderaan (another genocide from Anakin's hands), Owen is being a grumpy (stressed) fuss over the babies. She's got the coolest head on her shoulders.

(Codywan is coming we're establishing the FAMILY first; Clone Fam in part 2)

Beru immediately adopts Leia as well. Owen is a little wary but also that is a Baby she has Trauma he is grabbing the biggest fluffiest blanket for her already

Luke & Leia are in a weird position of being like cousins but also siblings, bc of the whole being raised apart thing & Leia kind of trauma bonded to Obi-Wan as her parental figure after everything, but they click immediately.

Luke thought of Obi-Wan as "that weird hermit Uncle Owen doesn't really like" and now is lowkey picking up on the Lore

Esp since the twins are terrible about eavesdropping on Serious Adult Conversations. Obi-Wan catches Owen & Beru up on what happened & they decide to avoid settling anywhere for a bit but instead hop around space in the Outer Rim to avoid detection

Obi-Wan intends to slip away actually & try to somehow destroy the Death Star (oh god just give Leia ALL the attachment issues), but at the first port they hit they're met with absolute shock—

The Emperor and Vader have been assassinated. The Clone troopers have taken charge of the galaxy.

[ladysparklefarts]

@oldfart-63 behold the mighty croc-o-weenie!

[ladysparklefarts]

Deleted Leia sass from The Empire Strikes Back

[ladysparklefarts]

If I had a nickel for every time Obi-Wan Kenobi cut off a guy’s legs and thought he was dead, and then it turned out the guy was still alive and now had a strong desire for revenge against him, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s very weird that it happened twice