lamanwasright - Tumblr blog

[lamanwasright]

They cant stop making great and spacious buildings

[lamanwasright]

My mom sent me this...what the fuck?

[lamanwasright]

It’s the two-year anniversary of my official resignation from the Mormon Church! I thought I’d do a little post reviewing the journey.

In 2020, I moved out of my parents’ house to stay with friends who were nonreligious. At the time, I had no idea this would give me a little breathing room from the church to explore myself, especially combined with the pandemic. In fact, at the time, having to attend church via zoom and not having access to the sacrament (because I was assigned female at birth) was painful to me.

But it did give me breathing room. And in 2021, I felt able, for the first time, to come out as gay.

My nonreligious friends’ reaction was loving and accepting.

My parents’ and LDS friends’ reaction was about what you’d expect. Earthly trials, temptations, the “gay lifestyle”, Family Proclamation, law of chastity, etc.

But I loved the church. I clung to it.

Until August 2021, when Jeffrey Holland gave his infamous “musket fire” talk right after a lesbian newly couple was brutally shot and murdered in Utah.

One of the friends I was living with, a kind older woman, listened to me sobbing on her counter about it. She cut through my attempted explanations of how Elder Holland is normally so loving, how he gives talks about mental health, how he cares about people—

She cut through that, looked me in the eye, and said, “That’s hate speech. What he said in that talk is hate speech.”

I realized that I wouldn’t accept that kind of speech from anyone else.

I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up a complete nonbeliever: in Mormonism, in prophets, in priesthood, in Jesus, in God. What a traumatizing earthquake of an experience that was. But it had happened, and I could not undo it.

It took a long time to process everything. I remember crying with shame and nervousness the first time I tried to wear a tank top; I remember feeling so incredibly rebellious the first time I took a sip of coffee. I remember swearing feeling so, so wrong and taboo at first, but then one day I discovered it could feel powerful or cathartic or even playful. I remember being completely mortified by the first (very tame) sex scene I saw in a movie.

I read books on deconstruction, religious trauma, alternative spiritual paths, and practices (like secular meditation) that could fill that gap. I worked to reparent my inner child and undo the shame and fear that had been ground into me. I spent a lot of time in nature. I wrote my thoughts out, deliberately studying people I looked up to—real and fictional—figuring out which of their traits I found so important, what kind of person I wanted to be. I wrote down the values I’d been taught and tried to untangle what I agreed with, what I wanted to discard, and what new ideas I wanted to add. I dipped into church issues, both modern and historical, that had bothered me, and tried to process those issues as well (something I’m still doing, because I’m slow going when it comes to that).

The friend who had told me Holland’s talk was hate speech advised me to wait a year before officially resigning. She said it was best to make decisions like that with a settled mind. I’m glad she told me that, because I think if I’d done it impulsively in a time of high emotions, I might have questioned the decision when looking back.

I waited a year and then began looking into the process, because I was sure. It wasn’t impulsive; it wasn’t emotional; I was sure that the future I wanted was not a future in the Mormon church.

There are several options for resigning, which you can read about in detail on getmeofftherecords.com. I went with the option of sending a notarized letter to church headquarters. I began drafting my letter, starting with a basic template provided on that website. I fiddled around with the draft—I wasn’t completely sure what I wanted to focus on. Around this time, I heard about that horrible child sex abuse case in Arizona, and that clinched it. I don’t know if anyone even really reads these letters. If they do, I hope they thought about mine, even for a few seconds. I hope they thought about the fact they work for a church that spends money on lawyers and court fees to defend its right to hide child rape.

September 13, 2022, I got up early and went to go see the sun rise. (These pictures are from that day!) Then I stopped by the post office and mailed the letter. A few days later, confirmation from church headquarters came in the mail: I was officially no longer a member.

I’m still growing! After more self exploration, I realized I’m nonbinary. I’d consider myself an agnostic atheist but I’ve dipped into secular witchcraft, non-theistic paganism, soft animism, druidry, and other paths I’m curious about. It’s genuinely exciting to realize that my life and beliefs are 100% a choose-your-own-adventure project. I’ll never again be locked onto one path or limited to what someone else tells me to believe. That freedom, most of all, is what has made life outside Mormonism so much better and healthier for me.

[lamanwasright]

Just had a fucked up church related dream, guess I'm not over it 👍

[lamanwasright]

IVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH TOH FOR LIKE FIVE FUCKING YEARS. IVE LIVED IN UTAH MY WHOLE LIFE. HOW IS IT JUST NOW

HOW IS IT THAT IM JUST NOW COMING TO THIS REVELATION.

PLEASE. LISTEN. JUST HEAR ME OUT

[lamanwasright]

Listening to interviews with adult converts to a religion is wild because they so clearly didn't grow up with fear of eternal torture as a foundational building block of their psyche.

[lamanwasright]

Seven

when I was seven

I begged to the sky

is there a way you could finish my life?

kids at this age don't get judged for their sins

I want to return to you void of my sins

when I was seven

I asked him all night

was there a way he could finish my life?

was there an out I could offer to take

to wash clean my hands of mistakes I will make?

when I was seven

I cried at the church

only a week until pureness is purged

on saturday morning I'll start being seen

for some reason god keeps ignoring my pleas

[lamanwasright]

[lamanwasright]

I recently had an LDS (presumably young) person try to tell me the Mormon church never taught that the Book of Mormon’s stupid schtick about the Lamanites being cursed with dark skin was literal. No no no, this person claimed. It was speaking figuratively because of how evil they became.

I just. 😒🤦

Anyway. If you’re a young Mormon, please do not ever make any claims about “the church has never ___!” or “the church has always ___!” unless you are REALLY FUCKING SURE. Because like. I have receipts. They’re not hard to find. And it’s not all “anti-Mormon lies.” President Spencer Racist Fuckwad Kimball, esteemed prophet seer and revelator (*puke*), stood at the pulpit in General Conference and bragged about how the church’s Indian Placement Program was making indigenous kids’ skin lighter due to them being put in righteous, white, Mormon foster families. That’s the absolute tip of the iceberg.

The church’s history is racist. It is just. So. Racist. The leaders were racist, they taught racist bullshit and made racist policies. God’s one true church indeed.

As if.

[lamanwasright]

ok sure you don't believe in god or the church anymore but what are you doing to unlearn the propaganda you wre taught? what are you doing to educate yourself about marginalized groups that the church attacked and that you absorbed subconsciously? how are you challenging your viewpoints on things such as addiction, sexuality, poverty, other religions, disabilities, illness, race, and more without it being through a christian lens? are you careful to not spread propaganda or harmful ideologies? youre ‘reclaiming’ shit for your poetry and healing and thats great i guess, i wish you the best, but what have you actually renounced?

[lamanwasright]

Why does alcohol taste so bad????

[lamanwasright]

can we agree that “Mormonism has traumatized people and terrible things have been done because of it” and “not all Mormons are bad people” can coexist

[lamanwasright]

Glen Martin Taylor, “but i am safe in here.”

[lamanwasright]

Actually, ex-Christians have earned the right to make fun of Christianity. It comes free with the religious trauma.

[lamanwasright]

Yet another comic about leaving the Mormon church that can be applied to a variety of things.

[lamanwasright]

This is such a good, succinct way of describing the illusion of choice many fundamentalist women and men have when it comes to life paths.

[lamanwasright]

It's incredibly healing to visit family and just do a few shots in the basement with them, because if you asked little Mormon me a few years ago I would've passed out to even consider doing taste tests with my uncle and cousins but here we are!