larinelle

[larinelle]

as they say, do what scares you. it is never worth pursuing if it doesn't.

i feel like floating. trapped, even.

i always thought i'd make it everywhere. i was a learner at heart. i am very passionate in indulging myself in different topics in pursuit of knowledge. i write, read, and watch with hopes of getting my mind filled with new information.

ever since i was a child, i was regarded as the smart one—the card of the family. i graduated kinder with flying colors, which was the reason why i was promoted a bit earlier to grade school. i was just a silly five-year-old kid when i stepped foot in elementary school—too small, too fragile. too naive.

my journey, like any other stories, started small. i was always crying and i cant afford to sit inside our classroom without bawling my eyes out. i would always scream for my mom and tita.

but then, calendars turned. time passed. i was getting my own rhythm in this dance im swaying into. i topped my class, received praises, and from there, i knew id maintain that standing and sacrifice some more just to hear those whimsical compliments once again.

and so, i pressured myself. i always need to do good. my family has been pressuring me since i was in elementary. for that, being the class valedictorian of our batch, i feel compelled to aim even higher. i dreamed of getting into a prestigious school, the one everyone was vying for. the high school in the middle of the busting city, the talk of the town that once seemed gigantic for me—sci high.

with bountiful efforts and dozens of papers and inks wasted, i got in. not because i did well in the entrance exam, but because my grades are high enough to reach the quota. the exam was cancelled because of covid, so our cards were the sole basis of whether we'd pass or not.

and honestly, no matter how grateful i am for that, i still wonder if things would change if the exam commenced.

alas, there i was. just like in elementary, i also started small. grade 7 was a huge turning point to me. i fluctuated. i was lost. my priorities got tangled, and i almost hit the abyss.

it was the day after my birthday when i got woken up by a loud yell. my tita, or my mother, scolded me because my adviser told her about my piling backlogs. i was immediately ashamed of myself. i know i had my lapses and i'm completely wrong for being lazy and not attending school.

however, what washed my senses away was what my mother said. i graduated elementary with flying colors. then suddenly, i was losing my touch. i am a sucker for learning. but then, what learning for me was not as fun as it used to be. it was starting to feel like a chore.

from then on, i always made sure id pass. i did not let my grades go down anymore after receiving my first 80. flat 80. but i guess, that just had to happen for me to return to the way i was before.

but each year, the burden is getting heavier. crushing, even. i instilled in my mind that i have to be at the top for my family to be proud of me, although they did not say it directly. i know they have their own sets of expectations they want me to fulfill. they were hoping. they were thinking that it's either the top or nothing when it comes to me.

because that's what i made them think. that's what we are used to.

and maybe, that's not entirely wrong. for after years and years of exploring, i realized that academics is the only field where i can excel. it is the only field that gives me the feeling of being first. this is where i shine.

but alas, all i did was to be a stranger, even to my own self.

my last year was a rollercoaster ride of extreme emotions. i learned a lot. i cried a lot. i was filled with sorries, regrets, hatred, jealousy, forgiveness, and acceptance. i know i should vie for the top. but before i surrender to the placid night, a thought always creeps up to the lengthiness of my spine.

i am never good enough. i will never be good enough.

i am too small. i did all of that, not because i'm smart, but because i am being driven by this greed for the first spot. i did that because my own expectations were enough to send me reeling over the thought of getting a grade lower than what i'm used to.

and so, i consumed myself. i tried and tried. i waged through thick papers, large files, and even through the vast web. i did not let myself falter because ive already reached this far.

but i knew that the one thing holding me together is so close to snapping. and when that happens, i know.

id discard everything again.

months then flowed and i found myself entering a new high school. after weeks of pondering, i realized sci high might not be for me anymore. and so, i ran away. i stuck to the strand, which was persistently tugging at my strings, and sought after it.

and honestly, as someone who was from a prestigious school, i was expected to do well, especially in the field where we are known to be good at.

studying at cabhi was no easy feat. i had to explore it myself. it was entirely new to me. the school, the mechanisms, the way of teaching—everything hits too far from home.

but i had found ways to be gentle to myself. i had found ways to enjoy studying again.

however, no one told me i'm exchanging my soul in the process.

i changed. over those months, i changed. i became tougher. happier. and though i hate to admit it to myself, i became... greedier.

i wasnt feeling like my old self anymore. i reached the point where id be mad at my classmate for scoring higher than me. for having fun. for being better than me. i feel like im betraying myself, because i know right before i stepped in, i promised: everyone's going to be better than you. there's always someone who's going to excel better in other aspects. and you have to deal with that.

because if not, i know i'm going to lose way before i even win.

hardworks paid off, and i had the privilege to speak before our batch during our recognition. my family applauded. but that wasnt enough to make me feel they are proud.

and now, i'm writing this as i sit in our bedroom, with my back hurting from crouching and lying, and with my study progress blinking at me though my phone, which is placed atop my annotated maroon bluebook.

i didnt know why im even typing this. maybe because there are many things running all over my head? maybe because there's an even bigger rant rising from my chest?

i don't know. but i've always felt like i'm bound for something greater.

i'm bound to enter another journey once again. and i won't stop myself from reaching the highest dream i'm daring to reach.

from the past days, i've received sidelong glances, faint smiles, and teasing chuckles whenever i told them that i want to study in manila during college. hell, i've always wanted to be away from this hole.

fate must be cruel. i will always hate the feeling of being trapped. or being caged. of being too small for my dreams.

i just cried myself to sleep yesterday because doubts are clouding my mind. i don't know if i should even continue doing what i'm doing because everything feels too hazy. everything feels too far.

but right now, although uncertainty is blanketing my soul, i know i must still do my best to conquer that dream. i have come too far now. my experiences have shaped me into someone who is capable of withstanding anything. i have always been a dreamer, and i won't be stopping—not until i have achieved that dream.

i know i'm bound to enter UP and be one with the masses. or at least, study in a university away from my hometown. away from this province.

with or without their support.

— from kat, 051724.

[larinelle]

[larinelle]

You aren’t just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can’t imagine giving that up again. You might not understand, but I gave you the best of me, and after you left, nothing was ever the same.

— Nicholas Sparks, The Best Of Me

[larinelle]

Your daily dose of cat memes

[larinelle]

“People go, but how they left always stays.”

— Rupi Kaur

[larinelle]

“a little something for you, larinelle”

“All relationships have one law: never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”

— Unknown

[larinelle]

[larinelle]

👁️ ✨

[larinelle]

[larinelle]

[larinelle]

[larinelle]

thoughts about *us* that makes me want to play a little risky

secret stares, numerous glances, and staring at you from my peripherals.

tell me, dont you feel the same? not even once?

be honest, have your heart beaten fast whenever im near? have you thought of me while laying on your bed, awake at night? are you thinking of me as much as im thinking of you? are you also overthinking about me liking you?

or am i just too delusional?

do you really care? i guess you do.

but you are like that to almost everyone, so what am i gonna do?

honestly, i didnt think id fall for someone like you. it may sound cheesy, but that is right. someone from my past? my cousin's elementary classmate? for someone who has been constantly trying to run away from her past, tell me, would i really think about liking you?

absolutely not. but alas, here i am now. falling deeper each day.

i once told myself i dont like you anymore. but, everytime you glance at me, my world suddenly stops spinning. how can someone average have such a huge impact to me?

i admit, you are not that handsome. or maybe you are, but i do not care. this is what i have been telling myself almost everyday. see my struggle going through the length of forgetting my silly feelings for you?

you are a smart person. i know you already have an idea about my feelings for you. acting all silly and awkward, avoiding your gazes every time, and refusing to talk to you. tell me, do you notice it too?

it is hard, you know. it is hard to lay down on my bed, thinking about lots of what ifs. what if i confessed? what if you liked me too? what if we feel the same way? what if you think about me too? what if we're just too shy and nervous around each other? what if you wanted to get closer to me too?

what if i didnt convince myself that i dont like you anymore? would the things between us remain the same as before?

-02/25/23, el.

[larinelle]

“We all have slow days, off days, days we feel tired or uninspired, but they are nothing to concern yourself with. Like the ocean, the stillness is just another of our natural states. Soon, the winds will pick up, the waves will rise, and your imagination will flow again.”

— Beau Taplin

[larinelle]

how i love being a campus journalist

[larinelle]

i should have wrote a letter explaining what i feel

[larinelle]

desperate times call for desperate measures

[larinelle]

i love film analyzations