larrycazenave

[larrycazenave]

Lessening your teen's anxiety through higher levels of thinking

Teens feel stress, a lot of it. Specifically, they feel pressure from their parents to do well in school. A teen I was coaching recently told me his parents say  “A” is for average, and “B” is for below average. That sums up well the expectations that’s put on teens today. I get it, I mean, college admissions are brutally competitive. Parents want to put their kids in a position to succeed in life, and have good paying jobs. 

But how are they supposed to manage this level of stress? Some act out and blow off steam. Some act in and shut off from everything, and everyone. And when this happens, parents are often at a loss. They try to treat the symptoms and not the root causes. Aside from deep breaths, and anxiety relief medications, how can we support our teens to better manage this stress? 

The answer lies in helping them learn higher levels of thinking. You see, everything that we experience as humans begins, according to Tony Kirkland, as originating from “Slow Brain”. It’s the primary feelingor thought that arises when we feel overwhelmed or triggered. Most of us, our teens included, get stuck there and cannot escape. Most of what I do as a life coach for teens is help them elevate their thinking so they can have more agency.

Let me give you an example. Last month, I was working with someone I will call David. David is a 17 year old high school student in Connecticut who is feeling a lot of pressure right now to get into the right college. He’s in the mix of college applications, retaking his SATs, while trying to maintain his current 3.8 GPA. David feels the weight of the world on his shoulders, and this is making his experience of life pretty miserable. When we looked closer at what was really driving his distress (symptom), the root cause appeared to be that he did not want to disappoint his parents. Getting high marks was a system David figured out he could use to get acceptance and caring from his parents. When that system broke down because he could not manage all the expectations on the level needed, his entire emotional safety was threatened. 

When we unpacked this, David was able to witness that his system was actually creating a lot of pressure. We worked on helping David know that he belonged regardless of performance. I met separately with David’s parents to encourage more connection building independent of performance. Soon after, the heavy pressure to perform in order to belong began to deflate, and David started to feel more integrated. He developed more confidence in himself. He also developed more perspective about his model for belonging, and took agency in how he wanted it to go instead: choosing to know that he belonged regardless of performance, and wanting to do well for himself, not for his parents. And guess what? He started to do even better academically.

David’s parents were also able to move beyond their fear of failure for their son (Slow Brain) and realize the cost of their achievement only approach on David’s mental health and their relationship. They realized that the most integrated approach was toalways have connection as the foundation first. This was better for David, and also allowed them to actually have more influence over him because David, feeling connection beyond achievement, was more inclined to see them as allies and listen.

As parents and teens, we are often inside of something we cannot see. By learning to access higher levels of thinking, we can move beyond the stress and anxiety we feel to see the bigger picture. This is where the pathway to agency, wisdom and empowerment begins.