ashley. 28. enfj. ot7 army. you can consider me completely and utterly untrustworthy—i don't drink coffee. :)
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1/6/19
i’ve been nothing short of terrible at keeping up with this. it’s a shame because i’m much less organized without it. things have been sort of hectic for me. on the one hand, i’m so happy here with d. i’m already dreading the day i have to leave. he’s good for me and he helps me handle all of the not-so-great things happening in my life. those things are plenty. i keep having meltdowns because i miss granny, felix has been missing for two days, and i’ve recently discovered that i am a squirter. i’m not sure how i feel about it and it’s stressing me out. d is going to see a divorce lawyer so that he can make it official. s originally said that she was just staying with him for the insurance, but i suspect that is no longer the case. i wouldn’t be surprised if she was just trying to be difficult and drag d down with her—things aren’t going well for her in life right now and she’s extremely manipulative and toxic as a result. i haven’t read anything yet, but i have every intention of starting tomorrow. i will read at least two books a week this year. i guess that means i’ll need to get a library card for around here.
1/7/19 breakfast - oatmeal snack - veggies + ranch lunch - salad and sandwich snack - pretzels dinner - chili with cornbread
home clean bathroom pick up/fold laundry in bedroom fold laundry in laundry room finish washing the dishes
cleanse the house
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12/19/18
:8:29 am: i’ve finally started taking my new medication, i know it will take a few weeks to really settle in, but i’m hoping this will be what i need to get going again. every day i start with the intention of doing things, but if i’m being honest — i spend the majority of my time in bed, crying and staring at the wall. i’ve been in such a haze these last weeks. i woke up an felt so hungry i was nauseated and started dry-heaving. i can’t remember the last time i ate. i’m doing that now.
9:14 am: i called the vet to talk to trixie, they say she can come home after 3pm, so i’ll be there at three to pick her up. thank goodness. i can’t stand this empty house. it’s bad enough that granny is gone, but with the dog gone, there’s truly no one to care for. i don’t know what to do with myself. i have felix, but he’s a cat. he just wants to be left alone. time to knock some things off my to-do list. i’m sure i’ll feel better after that.
11:02 am: well, i’ve done a fair amount. i feel as though i am completely drained of energy, but when i get moving it isn’t so bad. i’ve been on hold with the post office for 53 minutes now.
1:36 am: i picked trixie up from the vet, and i’m afraid the plan went out the window from there. because of the catheter they had in her — her urine ran out freely. which means she’d been sitting in her own filth for two days. she reeked of it too. they couldn’t bathe her because of the incision, so when i took her home i tried to wipe her down as best i could. i wound up spraying her with some dry shampoo. she has the cone of shame on because she also ripped out her staples before i got there. she seems to be feeling better, despite the misery she feels. she’s finally eating again, which is such a relief. after that, my aunt came over and we started going through some of grandpa and granny’s things in the middle room. i’m satisfied with the work we got done. i think we went through about six boxes or so, and hardly kept anything. after she confessed to also having a hard time, i suggested going to the grocery store to get some ingredients to make “depression sundaes”, insisting that it will instantly cheer us both up. she agreed, seeing it more as a reward for going through the room, and said we’d do that and then come back to my house and re-watch downton abbey, in honor of granny. well, that went well until someone backed into the truck while we were backing out. essentially, we were about 3/4 of the way out, and some woman wanted a parking place that was ahead of her, so she backed up directly into our car. so by the time we got home, we didn’t feel much like eating ice cream. we just ate our dinner, watched two episodes of downton abbey, and then she left. i talked to My Love for a while and now i’m going to bed
hopefully tomorrow will be more productive.
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i cannot believe i’ll be in tn in 6 days. this is a MUCH NEEDED break from reality and will be a great test run for the real thing. i am a little worried about money and finances, but hopefully, everything will run smoothly.
plans for wednesday, 12/19/18
dishes
medicine
oil hair
laundry
place a hold on mail from dec 25-jan 30
finish a page on the list
pick trixie up at 3 pm
exercise
pre-pack for tn
start washing clothes that are going with me
transfer shampoo, conditioner, etc
pre-pack toiletries for tn
exfoliate
face mask
body oil
oil hair
medicine
plans for thursday, 12/20/18
medicine
body lotion
hair oil
dishes
laundry
find out about utilities
work on a page from the list
bed bath and beyond??? perhaps.
exercise
clean up bedroom for 7 songs
clean kitchen for 7 songs
clean in living room for 7 songs
wash day for hair
hair oil
medicine
body lotion
plans for friday, 12/21/18
medicine
body lotion
hair oil
dishes
laundry
work on a page from the list
exercise
clean up bedroom for 7 songs
clean kitchen for 7 songs
clean in bathroom for 7 songs
pedicures with erin
hair oil
medicine
body lotion
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this will be a thought dump until i can better organize and plan out my messy life.
home goals
go through grandpa’s things
go through granny’s things
pack my things
distribute items as necessary to family members
sell/donate the rest
moving out — and all that entails
moving in
financial goals
get a job with benefits
to manage money better/budgeting skills
create a schedule for savings — so i don’t run out
health goals - physical
i need to lose weight
i need to take my medication (pcos, seizure, depression, anxiety at a minimum)
care for me more in general.
health goals - mental
start counseling
regularly take medication — honestly, i just forget.
more mindfulness
more self-care
the girls
figure out how to connect without overstepping
figure out how to actually get along with their mother
figure out how to get them to eat
help him get more time with his girls
my relationship
get better at communicating when something is bothering me
go back to being myself — excited, happy, etc.
make sure our intimate life stays as great as it is now
cleaning schedule that works for both of us
figure out our finances and goals for the next 5 and 10 years.
figure out how to not let the ex drag us down in her toxicity
for myself
organization skills and scheduling
sew more, perhaps i’ll take on quilting
bake more
cake decorating — i never did get those lessons. D:
driving
handwriting
gardening
develop a morning routine
develop a night routine
develop a solid sleep schedule
get dressed and stop looking depressed
do my nails more often
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i’ve so much to do and so little time. essentially, i’ve done nothing for the past 11 years except care for my grandparents. granny passed away two weeks ago. i’m at a loss here and i’ve found myself in the middle of a somewhat quarter-life crisis in which i have realized i haven’t actually done much of anything that can get me anywhere. i need to become a proper adult. quickly.
financially, i don't believe that going back to school would be a good thing for me right now. although the world likes to place entirely too much merit and status to something like having a degree—i still don't think it's a good idea. i've worked in collections for federally defaulted student loans. there's no way in hell i'll wind up owing thousands of dollars to the government because i decided to go get a degree in a field i couldn't even get a job in. you've no idea how many people ruined their lives by going to school.
if i go back, it will be practical. not because i want to study something i love. when it comes to the things i love, i can learn for free. maybe that's just what i'll do.
#ashley rants#lots of growing up and adapting to do#i wish i could go to school though#oh to be rich#or just financially secure
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i suppose i’ll use this blog as a way of documenting things. i need to be more organized with my thoughts anyway.
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