latibulesanctuary

[latibulesanctuary]

The Tale of Losing Myself Part I

This year is both a blessing and a nightmare at the same time.

I passed an ultimate exam that gave me additional letters to my name. Then I was ranked high in a promotion. These events gave a major improvement in my reputation and my career track advanced quick.

But one of laws of the universe was put into motion: To get what you desire, you need to give away something.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer and the treatment was too expensive. The costs were triple my salary and he's over sixty (I call his generation the Gen Z Seniors) so he lives through pension. "

I was expecting people around me to be sympathetic. I was expecting: "you'll get through this" and "God will help your dad heal". But they were more surprised at the money we needed to rake for his treatment. My team leader was even joking about it, "God, that's why I am wishing not to get that kind of disease because treatment is too expensive!"

Things got even worse - the universe took my grandmother. I admit that she wasn't a pleasant woman while she was alive but losing the parent of my parent is still sad.

The news of her death made me look back at the days I had with her. She was my babysitter when I was in pre-school. I remember that she always bought me crackers instead of chips.

I also remember the bamboo woven bag she would always carry every time she came to our house. She never wore pants, always a flowery blouse and a long skirt. Her hair is always tied in a bun and she would only let her hair loose only when she takes a bath. She curses a lot and shouts a lot. But when she was sitting me then, I was always taken care of.

I didn't cry at her funeral. I was sad but I can't bring myself to shed tears. I felt that I only had to attend her funeral as an obligation.

I went to consult with a psychiatrist for answers. I took tests and had a couple of consultations. Told them what I felt. It's funny because I told the psychiatrist that I think I have Adult ADHD. She said, there's a possibility but my situation is leaning more on depression.

I asked if I need some meds for either of the possible diagnosis, yes for ADHD and not necessary for depression. I told myself, "ugh, therapy. Ugh."

Then results came and my diagnosis: not ADHD but MDD. Major Depressive Disorder. It was recommended that I undergo therapy.

I was asked to sign some forms afterwards. The psychiatrist then asked, "do you want to continue with the therapy?"

"Well, uh," I stammered. "Can I just get a printed copy of my diagnosis?"

It was clear that my answer was "no". She tried to get me into the therapy program again, but I insisted on getting a print-out of my diagnosis.

She sighed and told me to wait while she gets the print-out. I waited for twenty minutes, then left.

It's November now. My life is summed up like this:

Got heartbroken/ghosted.

Passed the bar exam.

Dad got diagnosed with cancer.

Got into the promotion list.

Grandma died.

At this point, I don't know how to feel. If I feel happy for the positive things, I will feel guilty afterwards about my dad and my grandmother. If I feel sad about my dad and my grandmother, I'd have to tell myself, "At least you passed the bar and will be promoted".

I did tell the psychiatrist about this and she said that's why she strongly recommends therapy.

I told her I don't have enough money for the therapy sessions - which is a lie. I can afford them actually while I help with my dad's bills. Of course, with little sacrifices like eating in less expensive restaurants and taking the public transport instead of Grab or taxi.

I just don't want to.

[latibulesanctuary]

The Wrong Way of Letting Go

I have a confession. I used a manifestation technique to heal my broken heart. And guess what, it didn’t work.

My ultimate desire was to move on but I wasn’t specific about what I really wanted. I want him to contact me and return to the usual connection. I write and say out loud that I want to forget and move on but deep inside, I keep refreshing my inbox to check if he reached out or sent me a friend request.

I did all sorts of things. I even watched “pick a card” tarot card readings on YouTube. I immersed myself in the beautiful messages from the cards — that he will contact me soon and that he will realize what wrong he has done. I ignore the warnings of “this is a general reading and might not resonate with you”. Instead, whenever the reading comes out positive, I tell myself, “This resonates”.

I started a manifestation technique that allowed me to manifest three things. One of them is for the universe to bring him back to me or just for him to drop a “hello” in my inbox. Whenever I write down the manifestation — I have a voice at the back of my head, criticizing what I wrote. “Why? Does it matter?”

For days, my head kept thinking about the potential results of what I have been doing. I feel like I wasted a lot of time dreaming about a situation I really don’t need. Hell, here I am hoping and he’s out there probably in another relationship already. 

I thought I have moved on months back but it seemed that I have obsessed about this situation and pretended I had totally healed. Problem is, I held on to the feeling of hope until now.

Letting go doesn’t really need any manifestation techniques. Nor would tarot cards tell me what I need. The previous tarot card reading said he will contact me. And as if the universe has talked to me, the tarot reader said, “Yes, he will come back. But is this what you truly want to manifest? Do you really want him back when in the first place you know it is not worth it?”

I am still skeptical about mystical stuff and I find it funny I have drawn myself into the world of tarot and oracles and manifestation techniques. I keep reading the words “learn to let go” everywhere — in social media, on t-shirts and mugs of strangers, and even in web ads. But I still have this tiny clingy thought of hope that I will reconcile with him.

And that has to stop.

I really should learn to let go.