leaffallenguy - Tumblr blog

leaffallenguy · 8 months

Text

Did it matter?

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This is a birthday gift for a dear friend of mine, the one and only @asukamood

I didn't expect to be posting it anywhere but after some convincing, here we are. While I do doubt this is gonna show up on anybody's feed or be read by many, I hope it's worth the time of whoever does. If there are any errors do forgive me please I haven't read this twice as I can't stand to view my own writing—

I've stalled long enough, enjoy!~

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Sypnosis:

It was over now, he didn't need to think of anything that happened in the past. Things have always been this way, Hacker would even say he hated and still hates the man with his entire soul!

The images infront of him only fueled that, but why did it hurt so badly?

Why did he still care?

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Hacker was losing his patience.

He’d been flipping through the channels on T.V for the last 2 hours, unable to find something interesting enough to settle on. His phone was dead and the charger nowhere to be found, but his laptop wasn’t much of an option either considering the fact Randy decided to “revoke his computer privileges” because his sleeping hours became even more oddly timed than before.

Why does it matter, anyway? He still got the recommended 8 hours, sometimes even more!

He scoffed remembering that conversation, but it was too late to really change anything. Could he steal it back? Probably, Randy never quite bothered to hide things from him or Bobby unless they could actually hurt them.

He kept losing his cigarette packs recently, which was quite odd considering he shouldn’t even know about them..

It’s fine, he was probably thinking too deeply into it.

The laptop was most likely just..out there in the open.

It would be so easy to grab.

..then again, h̶i̶s̶ d̶a̶d̶ Randy placed enough trust in him to leave it that way while he was out of the house. Hacker didn't want to lose that trust or even worse, disappoint the man.

He could make-do with the TV for now, that is if it stopped showing the most boring content ever.

Really, what was so interesting about a recent robbery and why was everyone talking about it?!

A robbery isn’t something new or even rare, quite the opposite. It didn’t make sense, if it was Nightmare’s doing the news would’ve already spread even faster than this so that idea was scrapped quickly.

Couldn’t be either of his “emotional support idiots” as he called them either, the outcome would’ve been similar if so.

Hacker buried his face in the cushions, considering going back to sleep at this point.

Bobby woke him up a few hours prior (he should’ve already been awake by then, as it was 3 in the afternoon but really, who would pass up a chance to sleep in? His boss did say he had the day off due to complications anyway so who cared, really.) telling him he and Randy were leaving, saying the older one asked if he wanted to come along or stay. He opted for the latter, too out of it to guarantee not embarrassing himself in front of h̶i̶s̶ b̶r̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ Bobby and giving him valid blackmail. The little gremlin would absolutely love that and he didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of it, really.

They planned to get groceries and maybe pass by a few other places, he made sure to remind them to buy him a charger replacement. It was stupid, neither of them had an iphone so he was left with no choice but to let it be which was irritating. How was he supposed to entertain himself properly? It was so boring alone, he couldn’t even talk to Blue to pass the time. Hacker was sure he figured it out by now but didn’t drop by as to not give away their location.

Time was passing by so slowly, Hacker felt like he spent days on the couch waiting. He almost regretted not going along with the other two, maybe he would’ve gotten a kick out of that and not gotten so bored. Knowing them, Bobby was probably rambling on and on about a new piece of minecraft merch he wanted and Randy, being himself, was unable to say no when he asked to buy it.

Seriously, did that kid not know how to calm down? He was gonna be the reason they ended up broke soon if it went on that way.

I̶t̶ w̶a̶s̶..n̶i̶c̶e̶. T̶h̶e̶y̶ w̶e̶r̶e̶ h̶a̶p̶p̶y̶ t̶h̶i̶s̶ w̶a̶y̶. I̶t̶ w̶a̶s̶ c̶o̶m̶f̶o̶r̶t̶a̶b̶l̶e̶, t̶h̶e̶ m̶o̶s̶t̶ w̶e̶l̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ h̶e̶ h̶a̶d̶ e̶v̶e̶r̶ f̶e̶l̶t̶.

After nearly falling back asleep, Hacker finally mustered up the energy to stand up and move a little. Maybe that would make it a little less boring than just sitting there.

He didn’t have breakfast yet, so he headed to the kitchen. It was emptier by this time of the week after they got through everything, but at least there was still the ends of a bread loaf and some waffles in the freezer.

It took some time to decide but Hacker ended up just making a regular sandwich. Best not to end up throwing the bread out, not after their hard earned money was spent on it and it was perfectly fine anyway.

His focus was no longer on what was going on on the television, instead busy deciding if he wanted to go back to sleep after this until the other two returned or not.

Too busy thinking about what he was going to distract himself with, Hacker didn’t realize the knife in his hands ended up cutting his finger a little bit.

“Not again, I don’t even know if we have band aids this time..” he muttered, seeming more annoyed than anything. The cutting board had some of the blood on it now, he’s definitely getting questioned about that later on.

How much more entertaining could this day get?

Leaving his now abandoned breakfast on the counter he left to search for the box that should just about contain all of those.

They weren’t in the cabinets, nor were they in the bathroom or closet next to it.

There was a box in Bobby’s room but that was a last resort, he’ll get the silent treatment for a few days for using those over a small cut like this one but letting it be like this wasn’t much better.

It didn’t take much longer for Hacker to remember Randy kept some in a box under the TV.

All the way back in the living room.

And he went around the entire house for absolutely no reason.

None at all.

For a man who wanted to live so desperately he was starting to think death didn’t really sound all that bad.

With a sigh, he made his way back to check if there were any.

Sure enough, they were there.

A full box.

‘At least that wasn’t for nothing?’ he thought while opening it, finally covering the cut. Hacker knew he should’ve been more careful ,but the reminder was annoying regardless.

Whatever channel was on was still talking about the same topic, the words blurred together as he didn't care enough to focus on them.

That was until a certain name came up.

Hacker’s eyes snapped up to look at the screen as a cold sense of dread crept upon him.

There he was.

The same man he referred to as his ex constantly.

There was never an issue speaking about him vaguely, but for some reason seeing him after so long didn’t have the same effect.

A long time passed since they parted ways, Hacker would’ve forgotten the details if not for how they met in the first place.

It wasn’t…normal in any way but it could’ve been worse, a lot worse really.

He remembers looking around the room he woke up in, trying to figure out where he could be or see if there was anyone he knew.

Anyone who could help him figure out what happened, really. All he knew was that it was not where he remembered being a few moments prior.

After a comically long explanation, his eyes finally landed on someone who looked around the same age.

The man standing over him called the other, through the whispers of other people in that same room Hacker was able to figure out he was his son and that this man was the boss.

Apparently, his name was Colton.

Eyes still glued to what he was watching, Hacker listened attentively this time to what was being said.

Colton was handcuffed, saying some things he couldn’t decipher over the sound of the justice reigns employee speaking about the entire situation.

His eyes kept darting back to the blond instead of focusing on the words like he wanted to, but he caught enough to understand the gist of the situation.

After he returned back to his normal life, many questions about what happened came up. He was declared dead after a nasty crash, so how was he here and if it was faked then who would do that and why?

Hacker didn’t have the guts to answer at the time, he wasn’t sure he’d go into detail if asked now, either.

Apparently, one of Colton’s ‘minions’ was meant to go into a store and get something from the cashier, but they were seen and authorities were called after the citizen noticed how much more afraid she got as the conversation between them went on longer.

After the arrest, they couldn’t stay silent for long.

Everything about the gang finally came out, which led to the current situation at hand.

Hacker wasn’t sure how he felt about it. It was good, finally there was no need to think about the possibility of whatever website he was looking at being related to them, or being targeted as a possible threat and potentially even killed.

Part of him wasn’t so sure about that feeling, though. There was a slight panic at the back of his head, that same part of him didn’t want to see it happen.

He knew it would come so why did it feel strange?

Why did he feel like he..regret something?

There was nothing to regret in the first place.

W̶h̶y̶ w̶a̶s̶ h̶e̶ s̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ a̶t̶t̶a̶c̶h̶e̶d̶.

Feeling around for the remote to turn it off, he still couldn’t pull his eyes away from the screen.

From his face.

Hacker never saw him looking like this. Helpless, in a way.

Why did that make his heart hurt? There’s no reason for it.

It wasn’t like their time together was that good anyway, he knows it. Both of them knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was addicting. The thrill of something new and unexpected, the possibilities that came along with it and little feeling of control it gave.

T̶h̶e̶ a̶t̶t̶e̶n̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ h̶e̶ n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ g̶o̶t̶ b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶.

I̶t̶ w̶a̶s̶ a̶d̶d̶i̶c̶t̶i̶n̶g̶.

Whatever, what they could have been is in the past by now. He moved on and improved himself and his relationships.

..right?

He’d like to think so at least.

Whoever was speaking seemed to finish, as the camera focused on the cuffed man held in place by none other than Finch.

Hacker didn’t have any difficulty recognizing him really- Serious as ever, doing his job as usual without any unnecessary speech or pointless banter as he ordered around some others.

The man’s demeanor caught his attention very quickly but that was besides the current point.

Colton seemed to be thinking of something, and if Hacker knew anything about him is that whatever came out of his mouth next would either cause someone a crisis or get him into more trouble with the law.

He wasn’t stupid enough to go with the second guess, he knew better than that.

Somehow it was a mix of both, surprising and not at the same time.

Suddenly, he could no longer breathe.

Not a single sound came from him, he didn’t move a single inch.

Not even when the report ended, he and every other gang member was officially in custody of the police.

Why does he care?

..well, ‘care’ is a little much.

Hacker didn't know how he felt, if he had to be completely honest.

Despite being mostly happy about it at first he couldn’t help but consider how things would’ve been if that went differently.

If the past itself went differently.

From the moment he heard the name get mentioned, Hacker knew his fate was sealed.

Colton was to be executed for all the crimes he committed, nothing could get him out of the grave he dug for himself.

Not now.

It didn’t matter, that was fine.

Hacker wouldn’t be affected by it, if anything that’ll only further prove the fact he never actually killed anybody (what was the need to frame him, seriously wasn’t being ‘dead’ enough??).

He felt weird.

Whatever, it won’t last.

He’ll forget soon, he always does.

..The silence was getting irritating, but he didn’t really have any desire to move and put something else on, it would probably be something else that’s boring just like before either way so there wouldn’t be a point.

The food left on the counter now long forgotten, Hacker found himself thinking about some things. Past events that could have gone differently, how things would have gone.

What if he never got through the database that one day? What if he listened to the warnings and didn’t stick his nose where it didn’t belong?

He probably wouldn’t be in this situation now or before, they’d have had no interest in him.

Why was it so conflicting? It didn’t make sense anymore.

Not like it ever did, but this was new.

It didn’t take long for him to lose track of time, too engaged with considering the possibilities and chances that were missed.

Could there have been a time they were truly happy?

Why did Colton take interest in him? It’s not like he was boring or unattractive, quite the opposite really. But, with the way that man saw people it probably wasn’t very relevant compared to something else he saw. The question still remained as to what it was.

It wasn’t like he could get answers for that question, not now.

No use dwelling on it.

It had been a long time since that anyway.

Since the day they met, the fire had died by now.

He had no reason to crave it. The silence was messing with his head.

..He missed the late night conversations, the absurd topics that sometimes came up out of the blue. They were rarely ever peaceful or calm, but they were entertaining. A nice change. Colton was always the type not to waste time, discarding whatever seemed useless or bothered him even slightly the moment it did so, yet he kept Hacker around instead of ignoring him.

He didn’t need to, but he did.

T̶h̶e̶ t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ o̶f̶ h̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ b̶a̶c̶k̶ w̶a̶s̶..p̶l̶e̶a̶s̶a̶n̶t̶ i̶n̶ a̶ w̶a̶y̶.

S̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ k̶e̶p̶t̶ h̶i̶m̶ a̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶. S̶u̶r̶e̶, i̶n̶s̶u̶l̶t̶s̶ a̶n̶d̶ a̶r̶g̶u̶m̶e̶n̶t̶s̶ w̶e̶r̶e̶ t̶h̶r̶o̶w̶n̶ a̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶-̶ q̶u̶i̶t̶e̶ f̶r̶e̶q̶u̶e̶n̶t̶l̶y̶ a̶t̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶, b̶u̶t̶ h̶e̶ w̶a̶s̶ n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ i̶g̶n̶o̶r̶e̶d̶. A̶t̶ l̶e̶a̶s̶t̶ n̶o̶t̶ f̶o̶r̶ t̶o̶o̶ l̶o̶n̶g̶.I̶t̶ w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ b̶e̶ a̶ h̶u̶g̶e̶ l̶i̶e̶ t̶o̶ s̶a̶y̶ h̶e̶ d̶i̶d̶n̶'t̶ e̶n̶j̶o̶y̶ g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ "s̶p̶e̶c̶i̶a̶l̶ t̶r̶e̶a̶t̶m̶e̶n̶t̶" a̶t̶ t̶h̶e̶ t̶i̶m̶e̶, n̶o̶t̶ g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶h̶e̶ s̶a̶m̶e̶ a̶s̶ a̶n̶y̶ o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ m̶e̶m̶b̶e̶r̶ i̶n̶ t̶h̶e̶ g̶a̶n̶g̶. S̶o̶m̶e̶t̶i̶m̶e̶s̶ t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ h̶e̶ c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'t̶ t̶e̶l̶l̶ i̶f̶ t̶h̶e̶ l̶o̶o̶k̶s̶ h̶e̶ w̶a̶s̶ g̶i̶v̶e̶n̶ w̶e̶r̶e̶ t̶h̶o̶s̶e̶ o̶f̶ e̶n̶v̶y̶ f̶o̶r̶ h̶i̶s̶ p̶o̶s̶i̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ , b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ t̶h̶e̶ l̶e̶a̶d̶e̶r̶'s̶ s̶o̶n̶ s̶o̶ i̶n̶t̶i̶m̶a̶t̶e̶l̶y̶ c̶a̶m̶e̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ i̶t̶s̶ b̶e̶n̶e̶f̶i̶t̶s̶ o̶f̶ c̶o̶u̶r̶s̶e̶, o̶r̶ j̶u̶s̶t̶ p̶i̶t̶y̶....

While they were never official per say, they acted the part frequently enough for Hacker to consider it that way. He found it funny how at the time it seemed to be the other’s first go at something like that, it was no wonder he couldn’t know how to act properly to make Hacker know his place and yet keep whatever they had going on alive.

He thought it would be safe to assume most of his..negative? Traits were due to the influence of his father. The man was truly one of the worst he ever had the misfortune of coming across.

The idea of being stared down at by that man, tied down in what seemed to be the middle of nowhere made his skin crawl.

..Did he ever know about them?

He knows he never said anything, it was unlikely Colton did either but he couldn’t help wondering if that was possible.

He was just a mere tool anyway, all of them knew that.

The reason he was kept living was the fact he was useful at the time, that was it.

It was good enough for him.

The realization of that stung at first but he came to terms with it eventually.

At the time it wasn’t expected to come up in conversation, but it did regardless and undeniably made him question some things.

It was during the end of his first month there. Hacker was still getting used to the new routine, which was quite boring but he couldn’t do anything about it even if he tried to (it wasn’t like he wanted to piss someone off, he was even more of a twig back then than he is now so there was no chance it would’ve ended well, thinking about it.). Wake up, take a shower and get your breakfast avoiding as many people as you could to not aggravate anybody then go see what Colton was up to and potentially even get a task assigned to him. Those “tasks” weren’t any easy feat by any means, although it was all digital Hacker wouldn’t be allowed to get up and do anything unless absolutely necessary before he was done. He was always watched to make sure nothing was leaked either, it was quite uncomfortable for a while. Energy draining, to say the least. (He wasn’t even allowed to sleep in after as compensation. Just how unfair was that?!)

That day though, instead of being busy with something as he usually would be whether it was ordering (or moreso berating) someone around or actually doing some things himself, Colton was just..spinning around on a chair seemingly bored with not much to do. When the door creaked open his gaze immediately landed on Hacker’s curious face.

“Your hair looks absolutely terrible, did you even look at a mirror before coming here?” he scoffed, sitting up properly instead of whatever deranged position he was in just moments prior. (How did his back not snap actually he never thought about that..)

“You flatter me so early in the morning” Hacker rolled his eyes, a normal greeting in their words consisted of that and occasionally some other pointless remarks so it was a good sign.

“Why did you come here to bother me already”

“Can’t I just see my favourite person in this entire place?”

“Cut the bull, what do you want”

“You <3”

“Maybe I should get rid of you by now-”

“No-”

“-it’s not really like anyone would care, no one is looking for you or into your supposed death anyway”

Hacker wanted to respond, but he couldn’t.

A good sign, he said. Clearly.

“Oh?” The previously bored man now seemed interested, his expression perked up when he realized the other didn’t respond but actually only looked towards the ground instead.

“Did I hit a nerve there?” Despite the question usually being used in a joking matter when mentioned in a conversation with any normal people or friends, Hacker could clearly tell he was being mocked.

It wasn’t the first time someone said he wasn’t cared for.

Why does it matter now.

Why did he freeze.

Colton got up and walked towards him before grabbing his hand and stroking it gently. He never did that without reason.

“Poor little Theodore, I heard there wasn’t even a proper funeral held for you”

“..”

“I doubt many, if anyone, would have attended though so it doesn’t matter that much, don’t you agree?”

Nothing.

“To most you were probably just that annoying person they wanted to get off their backs huh? I bet some were even happy with the news.”

How long did he plan to continue?.

“Annoying, in their way. Did you ever have many friends, actually? I don’t see a reason for that to be the case but I can’t help the curiosity”

“Stop it.”

“When were you the one in the position to demand things of me?”

Right. He wasn’t.

“I understand them, really. The reason I’ve kept you around is because you’ve been useful, I have no reason to hide that. I'm sure you already knew, though?”

He hoped it was just some sort of insecurity acting up.

Apparently it wasn’t.

He leaned closer, now speaking right into his ear.

Hacker would have usually liked the sensation, he wasn’t one to complain about a man he found so pretty willingly being so close to him (quite the opposite unsurprisingly) but this time it was chilling.

“If only you kept yourself in your own business, then this wouldn’t even have come up at all. I’d not need to put up with you still, you wouldn’t need to be told all of this. Maybe you’d have come to the realization yourself after some time hm? The reason few were there before you were “dead”, how no one is looking for you right now despite some details about the death not adding up. Honestly I’m not sure how they even made the mistakes that they did but it doesn’t matter, I digress. Won’t you humor me with a response?” He continued, Hacker could practically feel his smile growing wider.

Of course he’d want to hear that.

“..I think I’ll be leaving”

“What a shame, so fast today”

Colton moved away slightly, but grabbed the other’s chin to bring him closer for a few moments before letting him go.

While Hacker would usually find that nice, he didn’t feel the same about it this time. He wanted to just go.

“You can leave, but don’t forget to come back in a few hours. You’d get lonely so I doubt it’ll happen, but a reminder doesn’t hurt”

“Right..”

It didn’t need to be said, Hacker’s mood was ruined after that. He left quieter than usual after that, clearly not happy about what just happened. N̶o̶t̶ l̶i̶k̶e̶ h̶e̶ h̶a̶d̶ t̶h̶e̶ g̶u̶t̶s̶ t̶o̶ s̶a̶y̶ a̶n̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ i̶t̶.

It wasn’t like he didn’t already know but that didn’t make it better, the others in highschool made sure to remind him plenty. He heard it so much before and never cared, what was different this time?

He ended up back in his own room if it can really be called that considering how it felt more like a cell of sorts than anything (did these people not know what paint was?? Grey isn't the only colour for walls, seriously it was BEYOND boring! It was even chipped, come on!), still without an answer.

Why was Colton so amused seeing him react that way? It couldn’t be that entertaining, it sucked to be told that kind of thing.

Saying anything back may have ended with him dead, so he just..didn’t respond at all. It fueled the other even more to continue which was the opposite of what he was hoping for. Though again, it wasn’t all that surprising seeing what he is, why did he expect anything else? That was stupid.

Though, people are different anyway. Maybe he was having a bad day, so he couldn’t help but take it out on somebody right? It made sense, Colton was never the type to wear his heart on his sleeve. He trusted Hacker enough to show him that, if anything, the man should be proud, really. S̶t̶o̶p̶ m̶a̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ u̶p̶ e̶x̶c̶u̶s̶e̶s̶ f̶o̶r̶ h̶i̶m̶.

He was unharmed anyway, it was fine. Knowing the other, Hacker doubted anybody else would have managed to end the conversation there. But, he did. He was allowed to leave without too much trouble. He wasn’t hurt, Colton didn’t lay a harmful hand on him at any point despite some occasional threats of it. His….humor? was unique to say the least, finding what would usually be disturbing to be amusing instead. Though, it wasn’t his place to comment too much about that.

Some insults here and there are normal especially for a gang setting so he didn’t pay much mind to those, if anything a lack would be strange.

Nothing was wrong, but he couldn’t help feeling hurt.

It was so annoying.

It was all fine.

..How quickly was his supposed death handled?

Did his parents even know? Did they ask? Miss him? Search for him in hopes it was all fake?

If they did, would they have known?

Was there a possibility they cared enough to try s̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ looking for him in this situation he found himself in?

He wanted to humor that thought for a little longer, the thought he mattered to them enough for that.

I̶t̶ h̶u̶r̶t̶ t̶o̶ k̶n̶o̶w̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶, b̶u̶t̶ i̶t̶ h̶u̶r̶t̶ e̶v̶e̶n̶ w̶o̶r̶s̶e̶ t̶o̶ t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ t̶h̶i̶s̶ w̶a̶s̶ i̶t̶ f̶o̶r̶ h̶i̶m̶. K̶n̶o̶w̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶h̶e̶y̶ d̶i̶d̶n̶'t̶ e̶v̶e̶n̶ b̶a̶t̶ a̶n̶ e̶y̶e̶. I̶t̶ h̶a̶s̶ a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ b̶e̶e̶n̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ w̶a̶y̶. A̶s̶ c̶h̶i̶l̶d̶r̶e̶n̶ o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ p̶e̶o̶p̶l̶e̶ g̶o̶t̶ i̶n̶t̶o̶ t̶r̶o̶u̶b̶l̶e̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ p̶a̶r̶e̶n̶t̶s̶ i̶f̶ t̶h̶e̶y̶ a̶c̶t̶e̶d̶ o̶u̶t̶ a̶t̶ h̶o̶m̶e̶ o̶r̶ s̶c̶h̶o̶o̶l̶, H̶a̶c̶k̶e̶r̶ W̶I̶S̶H̶E̶D̶ t̶h̶e̶y̶ c̶a̶r̶e̶d̶ e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ t̶o̶ s̶c̶o̶l̶d̶ h̶i̶m̶ a̶t̶ a̶l̶l̶. M̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ h̶e̶ w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'t̶ b̶e̶ t̶h̶i̶s̶ d̶a̶m̶a̶g̶e̶d̶.

"F̶r̶e̶e̶d̶o̶m̶" w̶a̶s̶n̶'t̶ a̶s̶ n̶i̶c̶e̶ a̶s̶ p̶e̶o̶p̶l̶e̶ t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ i̶t̶ w̶a̶s̶, h̶e̶ w̶a̶s̶n̶'t̶ "l̶u̶c̶k̶y̶" t̶o̶ b̶e̶ a̶l̶l̶o̶w̶e̶d̶ t̶o̶ l̶e̶a̶v̶e̶ a̶t̶ a̶n̶y̶ t̶i̶m̶e̶, h̶e̶ w̶a̶s̶n̶'t̶ a̶l̶l̶o̶w̶e̶d̶ t̶o̶, i̶t̶ w̶a̶s̶ j̶u̶s̶t̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ n̶o̶b̶o̶d̶y̶ n̶o̶t̶i̶c̶e̶d̶.

S̶o̶m̶e̶t̶i̶m̶e̶s̶, i̶t̶ l̶o̶o̶k̶e̶d̶ l̶i̶k̶e̶ t̶h̶e̶y̶ e̶v̶e̶n̶ p̶r̶e̶f̶e̶r̶r̶e̶d̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶.

H̶i̶m̶ d̶i̶s̶a̶p̶p̶e̶a̶r̶i̶n̶g̶.

He left years ago, why is he thinking about this at all?

He didn’t like it.

W̶h̶a̶t̶ d̶i̶d̶ h̶e̶ e̶v̶e̶r̶ d̶o̶ f̶o̶r̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶ t̶o̶ n̶o̶t̶ s̶t̶a̶n̶d̶ h̶i̶m̶ a̶t̶ a̶l̶l̶ w̶h̶a̶t̶ d̶i̶d̶ h̶e̶ d̶o̶ f̶o̶r̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶ t̶o̶ n̶o̶t̶ c̶a̶r̶e̶ n̶o̶t̶ e̶v̶e̶n̶ o̶n̶e̶ b̶i̶t̶ w̶h̶y̶ d̶i̶d̶ e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶o̶n̶e̶ e̶l̶s̶e̶ g̶e̶t̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ w̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ d̶i̶d̶ h̶e̶ g̶o̶ w̶r̶o̶n̶g̶ w̶h̶y̶w̶a̶s̶i̶t̶h̶i̶m̶w̶h̶y̶d̶i̶d̶n̶'t̶t̶h̶e̶y̶c̶A̶R̶E̶-̶

His head hurt.

A nap wouldn’t hurt would it?

If he was needed, he’d be woken up.

A few words wouldn’t hurt after, he probably didn’t rest well enough that night.

Yea, that's why he was unsettled.

T̶h̶e̶ r̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ h̶e̶ t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ C̶o̶l̶t̶o̶n̶ w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ h̶a̶v̶e̶ a̶ s̶e̶c̶o̶n̶d̶ t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ w̶h̶e̶n̶ i̶t̶ c̶a̶m̶e̶ t̶o̶ h̶i̶s̶ f̶e̶e̶l̶i̶n̶g̶s̶.

It wasn’t like he’d be hurt over it anyway, T̶h̶e̶y̶ c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'t̶ b̶e̶ b̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶d̶, h̶e̶ w̶a̶s̶ e̶a̶s̶y̶ e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ t̶o̶ s̶c̶a̶r̶e̶. Colton wouldn’t let it happen. ...h̶e̶ w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'t̶. R̶i̶g̶h̶t̶?̶.

Definitely, he had no doubt.

It’ll be okay once he wakes up, forgetting this even happened.

Who knows, maybe he could even get an apology!~

Or that was just wishful thinking, either way it was fine. I̶t̶ w̶a̶s̶ t̶h̶e̶ o̶n̶l̶y̶ t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ d̶i̶s̶t̶r̶a̶c̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ h̶i̶m̶ f̶r̶o̶m̶ a̶l̶l̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶, h̶e̶ c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'t̶ g̶u̶a̶r̶a̶n̶t̶e̶e̶ s̶t̶a̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ s̶a̶n̶e̶ i̶f̶ h̶e̶ s̶a̶t̶ d̶o̶w̶n̶ a̶n̶d̶ t̶r̶u̶l̶y̶ a̶c̶k̶n̶o̶w̶l̶e̶d̶g̶e̶d̶ t̶h̶i̶s̶ s̶i̶t̶u̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶. D̶i̶s̶a̶s̶s̶o̶c̶i̶a̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ i̶t̶ e̶n̶t̶i̶r̶e̶l̶y̶ w̶a̶s̶ b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ f̶o̶r̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶ a̶l̶l̶.

I̶f̶ h̶e̶ d̶i̶e̶d̶ h̶e̶r̶e̶, t̶h̶e̶n̶ s̶o̶ b̶e̶ i̶t̶. A̶t̶ l̶e̶a̶s̶t̶ h̶e̶ d̶i̶d̶n̶'t̶ d̶o̶ s̶o̶ a̶l̶o̶n̶e̶, s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ w̶a̶s̶ b̶y̶ h̶i̶s̶ s̶i̶d̶e̶.

..D̶o̶e̶s̶ i̶t̶ t̶r̶u̶l̶y̶ e̶v̶e̶n̶ c̶o̶u̶n̶t̶?̶

..Hacker was starting to consider requesting some sleeping pills, his mind was running wild again.

It was annoying and pointless.

It’ll be fine when he’s awake, everything will be normal again.

This won’t matter, it’ll never come up again.

---

Word count: 4.4k

#THIS IS AMAZING (⁠╯⁠°⁠□⁠°⁠）⁠╯⁠︵⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻#the plot makes me feel bad in a good way #does it even make sense?#it does for me ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯#Good angst always touches something deep inside me

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leaffallenguy · 8 months

Text

Birthday special (Me)

***

It’s my birthday today! I have decided to write myself some Drue to celebrate it and it’s also a way for me to spend this lovely day with you all 😀

So let us rejoice in this!

***

Warnings: Panic attack

Synopsis: Today was supposed to be a good day.

So why, of all days, why was today the day Life had decided to make him deal with a panic attack?

***

Today was supposed to be a good day.

He had less work than usual and none of his subordinates had rushed to his office in panic to inform him of any kind of dramatic problem that he had to dispel one way or another.

There was no meeting to be upheld so no one to look at him in expectation in wait for one of his enlightening ideas.

There was no speech scheduled so he did not have to feel everyone’s piercing gazes from afar, history’s eyes set onto the target of his back, nor did he have to endure the stress and panic at the idea of stumbling on his words and making a fool of himself.

The door to his alcohol stash was sealed shut still so he did not have to worry about relapsing and breaking the promise he had made to a dear friend.

None of those stressful factors were present.

So why, of all days, why was today the day Life had decided to make him deal with a panic attack?

He had just been doing paperwork as usual, it was fine.

It was supposed to be fine.

So why was it not?

His hand had started to shake.

He noticed but he tried to ignore the trembling of the limb and keep writing.

It did not work.

His hand trembled enough to leave an ugly smear of ink on the sheet he was writing before it spiraled out of control, and he eventually let go of the pen. He tried to pick it back up but every time his fingers wrapped around the item; it would jolt away like it had been electrified.

He frowned as a heavy feeling crept its way through his chest until it was wrapped around his soul.

He brought his hand to his face and his eyebrows furrowed slightly more as he focused on how uncontrollable his hand was being.

Unknown to him, his hand was not the only thing that had started to become uncontrollable, his breathing had begun to act up.

The weird feeling squeezed his soul.

He pushed his spinning chair back, attempting to stand up.

He did not know why exactly but something was terribly wrong, this room felt like it was suffocating him, the walls closing in and leaving him no room to escape.

He had to leave.

His knees buckled under him when he stood up, forcing him to lean onto his desk with his two hands to stabilize himself. He could feel his soul beating his rib cage to hell.

One of his hands left the desk to grip at the front of his shirt instead, right above where his soul would be. He felt like blazing flames had engulfed him whole but at the same time, the sensation of being buried beneath thick layers of icy snow did not leave.

His breath got quicker as he tried to suck in oxygen through his mouth.

The silence was deafening.

He had to leave.

He took a step on his left, still holding onto his desk for dear life and accidentally knocked over a cup that fell to the floor and shattered. He barely noticed it when he crushed one of the shards with his foot.

He had made it to the end of the desk, but it felt like he had just run a marathon. He eyed the door in front of him, it was not too far away, surely, he was going to make it.

He had to leave.

But he could not, apparently, his legs having given up on him halfway and he collapsed. At least, he had managed to sit up against the door.

By now, saying that his vision was blurry was almost an understatement.

It was safe to say that he was pretty much blinded by it.

All shapes have been strangled beyond recognition by the heralds of anxiety and the colors swirled together in a frantic tornado, urging Dream to shut his eyes closed.

His ears were ringing.

His eyes were burning.

His head was aching.

He had to leave.

“...eam?” A voice vaguely called out to him, but he paid it no mind, preferring to focus on figuring out what the problem was in the first place.

“Dream?” The voice got louder and closer, it was not a figment of his imagination. Although, he would rather have it shut up now. The sound of a voice was only making his headache worse.

“Dream.” The owner of the voice seemed to sit up next to him and Dream groaned, bringing his legs over his chest. “What’s the matter?”

He felt sick.

He tried to tell the other person, whoever it was, to leave him alone or something of the sort. He could not be bothered to sort out his thoughts, but he only ended up sighing instead.

It was still hard to breathe.

His chest felt so tight.

“I’m going to touch you, okay?”

Vaguely, he could hear the other person inching closer to him before they lowered his knees. He let them do as they wanted, having the feeling they were no threat despite not being able to recognize who it was exactly.

His eyes remained closed.

That person put their hand on top of his hand, the one who was gripping his shirt and started rubbing soft circles on his knuckles. He tried to focus on the touch.

Why did it feel so familiar?

“Can you state three things you can feel for me?” Dream frowned in concentration.

“Your hand...” His other hand started to feel the ground. “The carpet...” A wind current sneaked in through the open window, grazing at his cheek. “And the wind.”

“Good, three things you can smell?”

… “Blueberry, coffee and-” He sniffed the air again. “Vanilla.”

He was starting to calm down.

“Okay, move three of his limbs then.” He shook his head then moved one of his feet and last but not least, raised one of his hands.

After that, he risked opening his eyes again. Thankfully, they did not seem to be out for his blood again as his vision had gone back to normal, the colors no longer burning his irises.

He blinked a few times before turning his head, meeting Blue’s eyes. He blinked awkwardly as he recognized him. “Blue?”

Well, he supposed that it was better to have been found him by him than one of his subordinates (or worse, a paparazzi. Dream shuddered in horror at the thought.)

“The one and only.” He smiled, taking the hand he had been rubbing slow circles on before bringing it to his face, kissing the knuckles. “How are you feeling now, angel boy?”

Dream masked his heated cheeks with a deadpan expression. He retracted his hand, letting it fall to his side. He could still feel tingles from where Blue kissed him. “I’m okay.” Then, after a few seconds of hesitation he added, “Thank you.”

Blue’s smile widened. “There is no need to thank me. Though, I would rather not be given such a fright again, I almost thought someone drugged you!” He dramatically shook his head. “What happened to you anyway?”

“I wish I could tell you.” Dream sighed, leaning back onto the door behind him. Suddenly, he felt like the entire world had fallen onto his shoulders. “I was just working as usual and it just, hit me.”

Blue hummed. “Sounds to me like you’re in dire need of rest.”

Dream eyed him before sighing. “You make it sound like I could just take a day off any time. I have work to do, I cannot be slacking off.”

“The multiverse isn’t going to crumble because you took a break.” Blue retorted, tracing the outlines of his hand with his finger. “Besides, your mind isn’t clear enough to go back to work yet, you won’t be as efficient if you were to go back to work now.”

Dream frowned. He had a point. “Plus, what would they do if you were to take a day off? Stop you? No one has much authority as you do, you are aware of it yourself. If you were not, you would not be doing this to yourself.” Blue lifted his hand before his fingers slipped beside Dream’s own, intertwining their hands.

Against his better judgment, Dream let him.

“You deserve and desperately need a break, so why not indulge yourself in some rest while you’re not too busy to do so?” He said nothing, preferring to look away.

Though, it was clear that Blue had understood it meant that he won.

“Splendid!” He exclaimed before getting up. “I’m not letting you sleep on the floor though so stand up for me, will you?”

Dream nodded and a few minutes later, he was lying on the couch and peacefully sleeping as Blue entertained himself in running his hand through Dream’s soft locks.

#HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU #HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU MY DEAAAR #HAPPYSYSYYWYEYYPYPY #yeah #don't die pls #I'll revive you anyway #with my love #the fanfic is fabulous as always #this ship brings happiness into my life #you too btw

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