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sayonara, motherfucker

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Solas x Peter OTP (One Terrible Pairing)

They get launched into the sun together and become besties. Peter rambles to him about snakes and knives. Solas does whatever he does, I don’t know much about his interests. They punch each other while laughing.

.

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If they tie 50/50, they should get together then get launched into the sun together.

if they decide to get together, they can determine that when they're in the sun

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if you guys manage to get it to a perfect 50/50, i'll launch them both into the sun

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24 HOURS LEFT!

FINAL ROUND

Propaganda under the cut!

Solas

He believes all mortal beings deserve to die. He is bald but in a very unsexy way. He exudes zero chemistry and talking to him about romance is like talking to a boiled egg. 

Described by major media as "elf hitler," he dumps you to destroy the world

He is a smelly know it all, and that's before you find out he is a deity in disguise who caused the rift you spend the game trying to fix in the first place and he betrayed you and chopped off your hand

Breaks up with you, disappears without saying anything, plans to destroy the world

Look. I’ll admit I have not personally romanced solas. I am baffled that anyone would WANT to romance solas. I know we all love a waify little elf wizard with questionable motivations but jfc look at him like im trying not to say anything demeaning about bald dudes but he does not wear it well. Also iirc you can only romance him if you’re also an elf and then he’s weirdly rude and dismissive if your character is Into Elf Culture. Look im a huge lesbian but Iron Bull is RIGHT FUCKING THERE why would you do this.

Peter King

Oh I could go ON AND ON but here’s a list: He’s a stalker, he showed up late to a date HE REQUESTED, he killed either your landlord, roommate, or coworker (depending on route) and stuck them in a freezer, lied to the police about it, followed by a car ride either consisting of traumadumping about his family (valid tbh) or him talking about how much he wants to fuck your brains out, then you finding a bloody knife in his glove compartment, asking about it, and him smashing your head into the window to shut you up while he takes you to his house. He is The Worse Datable, as well as The Only Datable because well…he killed the others…and kidnapped you….

FUCK THIS DUDE!!! Country Human looking-ass bitch, I want him dead and obliterated

Many violence, Yandere behavior, cut your leg off in a semi-canon series of illustrations, smashed your head into the passenger side window of his creepy van, chloroformed you in your own house, brought you flowers that were probably tainted with his own blood, given context from another route. Generally a terrible person. Also just very strange to look at :/

He knows what he did….😒

He broke into Y/N’s house and chloroformed them. Generally a really creepy and perverted guy. TK is better :/

Send that man to Worst Datable Hell! Put him in the trash file (he’s a pseudo-sentient AI, similar to Monika, so this threat is valid)! He sometimes looks like a kicked puppy when talking to you, but with your small contributions, we can make him look even more like a kicked puppy! Vote Peter King for Worst Datable Datable Character today! Bonus: Funny canon facts about him! - He can’t swim - He’s allergic to peanuts - He has to wear glasses, but usually wears contacts - He had an emo/goth phase in high school - He’s a YouTuber; he does product reviews - He has very strong mother issues (understandably) - He will respond to and greatly enjoy the nickname “Cockbite” (there are many other names he enjoys, but this one’s the funniest to me)

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HALF A WEEK LEFT!

FINAL ROUND

Propaganda under the cut!

Solas

He believes all mortal beings deserve to die. He is bald but in a very unsexy way. He exudes zero chemistry and talking to him about romance is like talking to a boiled egg. 

Described by major media as "elf hitler," he dumps you to destroy the world

He is a smelly know it all, and that's before you find out he is a deity in disguise who caused the rift you spend the game trying to fix in the first place and he betrayed you and chopped off your hand

Breaks up with you, disappears without saying anything, plans to destroy the world

Look. I’ll admit I have not personally romanced solas. I am baffled that anyone would WANT to romance solas. I know we all love a waify little elf wizard with questionable motivations but jfc look at him like im trying not to say anything demeaning about bald dudes but he does not wear it well. Also iirc you can only romance him if you’re also an elf and then he’s weirdly rude and dismissive if your character is Into Elf Culture. Look im a huge lesbian but Iron Bull is RIGHT FUCKING THERE why would you do this.

Peter King

Oh I could go ON AND ON but here’s a list: He’s a stalker, he showed up late to a date HE REQUESTED, he killed either your landlord, roommate, or coworker (depending on route) and stuck them in a freezer, lied to the police about it, followed by a car ride either consisting of traumadumping about his family (valid tbh) or him talking about how much he wants to fuck your brains out, then you finding a bloody knife in his glove compartment, asking about it, and him smashing your head into the window to shut you up while he takes you to his house. He is The Worse Datable, as well as The Only Datable because well…he killed the others…and kidnapped you….

FUCK THIS DUDE!!! Country Human looking-ass bitch, I want him dead and obliterated

Many violence, Yandere behavior, cut your leg off in a semi-canon series of illustrations, smashed your head into the passenger side window of his creepy van, chloroformed you in your own house, brought you flowers that were probably tainted with his own blood, given context from another route. Generally a terrible person. Also just very strange to look at :/

He knows what he did….😒

He broke into Y/N’s house and chloroformed them. Generally a really creepy and perverted guy. TK is better :/

Send that man to Worst Datable Hell! Put him in the trash file (he’s a pseudo-sentient AI, similar to Monika, so this threat is valid)! He sometimes looks like a kicked puppy when talking to you, but with your small contributions, we can make him look even more like a kicked puppy! Vote Peter King for Worst Datable Datable Character today! Bonus: Funny canon facts about him! - He can’t swim - He’s allergic to peanuts - He has to wear glasses, but usually wears contacts - He had an emo/goth phase in high school - He’s a YouTuber; he does product reviews - He has very strong mother issues (understandably) - He will respond to and greatly enjoy the nickname “Cockbite” (there are many other names he enjoys, but this one’s the funniest to me)

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FINAL ROUND

Propaganda under the cut!

Solas

He believes all mortal beings deserve to die. He is bald but in a very unsexy way. He exudes zero chemistry and talking to him about romance is like talking to a boiled egg. 

Described by major media as "elf hitler," he dumps you to destroy the world

He is a smelly know it all, and that's before you find out he is a deity in disguise who caused the rift you spend the game trying to fix in the first place and he betrayed you and chopped off your hand

Breaks up with you, disappears without saying anything, plans to destroy the world

Look. I’ll admit I have not personally romanced solas. I am baffled that anyone would WANT to romance solas. I know we all love a waify little elf wizard with questionable motivations but jfc look at him like im trying not to say anything demeaning about bald dudes but he does not wear it well. Also iirc you can only romance him if you’re also an elf and then he’s weirdly rude and dismissive if your character is Into Elf Culture. Look im a huge lesbian but Iron Bull is RIGHT FUCKING THERE why would you do this.

Peter King

Oh I could go ON AND ON but here’s a list: He’s a stalker, he showed up late to a date HE REQUESTED, he killed either your landlord, roommate, or coworker (depending on route) and stuck them in a freezer, lied to the police about it, followed by a car ride either consisting of traumadumping about his family (valid tbh) or him talking about how much he wants to fuck your brains out, then you finding a bloody knife in his glove compartment, asking about it, and him smashing your head into the window to shut you up while he takes you to his house. He is The Worse Datable, as well as The Only Datable because well…he killed the others…and kidnapped you….

FUCK THIS DUDE!!! Country Human looking-ass bitch, I want him dead and obliterated

Many violence, Yandere behavior, cut your leg off in a semi-canon series of illustrations, smashed your head into the passenger side window of his creepy van, chloroformed you in your own house, brought you flowers that were probably tainted with his own blood, given context from another route. Generally a terrible person. Also just very strange to look at :/

He knows what he did….😒

He broke into Y/N’s house and chloroformed them. Generally a really creepy and perverted guy. TK is better :/

Send that man to Worst Datable Hell! Put him in the trash file (he’s a pseudo-sentient AI, similar to Monika, so this threat is valid)! He sometimes looks like a kicked puppy when talking to you, but with your small contributions, we can make him look even more like a kicked puppy! Vote Peter King for Worst Datable Datable Character today! Bonus: Funny canon facts about him! - He can’t swim - He’s allergic to peanuts - He has to wear glasses, but usually wears contacts - He had an emo/goth phase in high school - He’s a YouTuber; he does product reviews - He has very strong mother issues (understandably) - He will respond to and greatly enjoy the nickname “Cockbite” (there are many other names he enjoys, but this one’s the funniest to me)

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bald vs bald

like to slap their bald heads

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Final match up

Stalker murderer boyfriend vs fascist elf ex-boyfriend

The ultimate challenge to see who is the least dateable

tough call!

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This is it! The final round! Two people remain but only one can win!

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PETER KING WINS!

SEMI-FINALS, MATCH 2

Propaganda under the cut!

Peter King

Propaganda

Oh I could go ON AND ON but here’s a list: He’s a stalker, he showed up late to a date HE REQUESTED, he killed either your landlord, roommate, or coworker (depending on route) and stuck them in a freezer, lied to the police about it, followed by a car ride either consisting of traumadumping about his family (valid tbh) or him talking about how much he wants to fuck your brains out, then you finding a bloody knife in his glove compartment, asking about it, and him smashing your head into the window to shut you up while he takes you to his house. He is The Worse Datable, as well as The Only Datable because well…he killed the others…and kidnapped you….

FUCK THIS DUDE!!! Country Human looking-ass bitch, I want him dead and obliterated

Many violence, Yandere behavior, cut your leg off in a semi-canon series of illustrations, smashed your head into the passenger side window of his creepy van, chloroformed you in your own house, brought you flowers that were probably tainted with his own blood, given context from another route. Generally a terrible person. Also just very strange to look at :/

He knows what he did….😒

He broke into Y/N’s house and chloroformed them. Generally a really creepy and perverted guy. TK is better :/

Send that man to Worst Datable Hell! Put him in the trash file (he’s a pseudo-sentient AI, similar to Monika, so this threat is valid)! He sometimes looks like a kicked puppy when talking to you, but with your small contributions, we can make him look even more like a kicked puppy! Vote Peter King for Worst Datable Datable Character today! Bonus: Funny canon facts about him! - He can’t swim - He’s allergic to peanuts - He has to wear glasses, but usually wears contacts - He had an emo/goth phase in high school - He’s a YouTuber; he does product reviews - He has very strong mother issues (understandably) - He will respond to and greatly enjoy the nickname “Cockbite” (there are many other names he enjoys, but this one’s the funniest to me)

Cullen Rutherford

Propaganda

stupid racist cop creep whose fans cry about how hes "changed" and "you can't judge him he was addicted to magic drugs" nah he still chose to be a racist cop and abuse his power over innocent people and i hate him. the writers making him romanceable in da:i after how blatantly horrible he was in da:o and da:2 is baffling but i guess they had to appeal to the part of their audience who watch those "mafia boyfriend" videos on tiktok or whatever

He's creepy in origins, though still 100% willing to kill the female mage pc he's crushing on, as well as all the other mages trapped in the circle with him. He's the second-in-command in an even worse circle in 2, listening to and defending the increasingly obviously insane meredith until literally the end. He's one of the people still pushing for the circle system by inquisition, and yes he's going through withdrawals and working through the traumas of previous games. And to be brutally honest his was the first romance i took and while i don't remember much from it, its not worth all the girls going absolutely nuts over knockoff terrible alistair.

He's basically a cop who thinks being born a certain way can revoke personhood and by Inquisition still thinks mages are monsters to be controlled, not people. He gets a fairy tale cutesy romance that focuses on his personal struggles with addiction while showing absolutely no regard to the atrocities he committed and still thinks were justified. He can be romanced BY A MAGE and his actions and beliefs are just glossed over. He believes mages are 'not people like you (Hawke) and me', but if the Warden was a female mage he canonically had a crush on her and would deliberately hang around her despite the fact that he was her *jailer*. If that Warden romanced Leliana, there is war table dialogue in which he pesters Leliana for news of his 'former' crush despite her repeated statement that she doesn't want to talk to him about her. All this shitty behavior and lack of introspection gets swept under the rug by the game, not even giving the PC the chance to really challenge his beliefs. Like damn even Fenris could apologize when he lashed out due to past trauma with mages, and if anyone has a reason to hate mages it's Fenris. If you want an ex Templar hottie Alistair is RIGHT THERE. Tbh I know Cullen is a popular romance and I'm not here to tell anyone what they can or can't do or like in a video game, I'm just saying I think he is deeply undateable

Spends the first two games as an antagonist, fervently devoted to the cause of subjugating mages, then a bunch of "character development" happens off screen and the games treat him like he's completely reformed. However he's actions make it clear he still sees mages as dangerous and lesser. Not to mention if you romance him with an elf he doesn't pay your culture more than lip service respect like most of the devout characters 

He was a total villain in the first two games who was violently prejudiced against mages and uses one single bad experience as an excuse for it (a bad experience that is pretty much exactly what he in his job subjected graduating apprentices to, mind you, but this is never brought up). Now he says he's changed, but his words and actions say otherwise. He still distrusts mages, sympathises with the rebel Templars trying to kill them, and he never owns up to the terrible stuff he did and helped others do in the past two games. He totally knew what Meredith was doing and says he doesn't, and he still tries to defend her intentions. And you have no option to call him out on it. If you romance him as a mage, he angsts about how he might have seen you as subhuman in the past but NOW you're one of the good ones, and when you ask him if he'll kill you if you get possessed, he dodges the question. And the PC is written as being almost sad that she's a mage? Like 'can you love me despite what I am??' Also if Leliana romanced a female mage PC in the first game who is still alive, he asks her creepy questions about their relationship. Fitting considering his original purpose was to be creepy to the female mage Warden. 

I hate him and want to cause chaos. Plus his VA is an asshole.

Cop

I think you covered almost everything but don't forget that beautiful moment in DA2 - Act 2 where you find out some templars had a petition to lobotomize all mages and Meredith, THE HARDCORE TEMPLAR LEADER, rejects it, but Cullen says they got a point. Despite the fact that we just found out that those templars were using lobotomy (or the threat of) to rape people and get away with it. And then Cullen in DA:I is whining that anything that happened it's not his fault because Meredith kept the worse away form him so he didn't know, but also that anyway Meredith had a point and did what she had to do. Meredith does not go mad until Act 3, before she was of sound mind and Culllen was her second in command BECAUSE he hated mages as much as (or even more) than her. What the FUCK did she even hide from you, Cullen. Oh, but he changed! Because the writers make A VICTIM OF THE TEMPLARS say so. And anyway he only says so BECAUSE HE READS MINDS not because Cullen did anything to show it. Also the narrative wants to sympathise with Cullen for his drug problems while Cullen is openly attacking the only other character with the same problem for...having the same problem. And he's the antagonist, so there were OTHER things Cullen could be mad about. But he is mad about the drug problem. Also I'm not an expert on writing characters with addictions but he is an addict only when it's time to have a cut scene where you pity him. Otherwise it has zero impacts on everything else.

[leastdatablebracket]

SOLAS WINS!

SEMI-FINALS, MATCH 1

Propaganda under the cut!

Solas

Propaganda

He believes all mortal beings deserve to die. He is bald but in a very unsexy way. He exudes zero chemistry and talking to him about romance is like talking to a boiled egg. 

Described by major media as "elf hitler," he dumps you to destroy the world

He is a smelly know it all, and that's before you find out he is a deity in disguise who caused the rift you spend the game trying to fix in the first place and he betrayed you and chopped off your hand

Breaks up with you, disappears without saying anything, plans to destroy the world

Look. I’ll admit I have not personally romanced solas. I am baffled that anyone would WANT to romance solas. I know we all love a waify little elf wizard with questionable motivations but jfc look at him like im trying not to say anything demeaning about bald dudes but he does not wear it well. Also iirc you can only romance him if you’re also an elf and then he’s weirdly rude and dismissive if your character is Into Elf Culture. Look im a huge lesbian but Iron Bull is RIGHT FUCKING THERE why would you do this.

Vace

Propaganda

well you (the pollrunner) already know cause hes ur icon but i will say that at least he is meant to suck as a romantic partner with only one ending (two if you include astronaut) having him and sol (the player character) staying together on the other end tho there's three ways to start dating him one is to make him go to therapy n then start dating after he is no longer abusing his girlfriend (either breaking them up by convincing him to dump nemmie or convincing nemmie that hes the scumbag he is n she deserves better) another is to be his side piece and the third way is getting him so mad he drags sol off by the neck to beat the shit out of them with this event ending with either him n sol sleeping together (also causing him and nemmie to break up) sol getting the living daylights beat out of them (to the point they got knocked out n needed medical care) with the implicit threat of vace will do this again if they dont stay out of his way and sol avoiding both of those things but being so shaken by the experience that theyre struggling to breath until theyre outside and fully away from him which gives a very different undertone to hooking up with him in this event

the stuff from when i submitted him is entirely from memory so im directly grabbing snippets from the game files this time around (stuff from the game will be in italics like this spoilers for the game btw) starting with if solanaceae is dating vace during the green vertumna ending (warning for abuse cause he is like intentionally written to be abusive)

As the military gains more power under Lum, Vace feels ambivalent over the increased role he's forced take in adjudicating the pointless squabbles of colonists indefinitely trapped in a tin can- more akin to a police officer than a pround defender. This ambivalence turns to bitterness and resentment. He backslides even further during your relationship with him, eventually becoming violent. Your relationship with him ends in a protracted, messy manipulative break-up that occupies the gossip mill for weeks.

this is the only ending where he becomes physically abusive... to solanaceae at least as if you dont break him and nemmie up and dont manage to corral him to therapy this is a piece of his ending card

Vace loves the idea of having a family to protect. Nemmie retires from active duty when they announce that they're expecting their first child... and then second, and their third shortly after that. He and Nemmie are the picture of bliss for years... that is until it all comes crashing down. Vace is your friend, which is probably why you didnt see the cracks until their family was already broken. Nemmie takes the kids and leaves him in the middle of the night, and Vace never really tells you why... but judging from the way people rally around Nemmie so he can't get to her again, you can take a guess.

the snippet if vace does go to therapy isnt much better

You know that Nemmie was never the mothering type, and having kids is tough on her. (<- nemmie has been repeatively establish throughout the game to not want to be a mom and break up with you if you get the prolific parent career) and Sometimes you wonder if they're truly happy together or just... stuck with each other, but at least they've found some peace.

here are the snippets from if you're dating him first if he goes to therapy (good ending?)

Your relationship has its ups and downs. Vace has a lot of unpacking to do, and it takes time. On his worst days, he's just as he was before: quick to anger, and quick to fall back on intimidation tactics to get his way. You're able to see through to the struggling man underneath, but it takes a toll on both of you. You date on-and-off, fighting and making up often. He's never violent or cruel towards you, (sideeyes other endings) but after a while... you just realize you're unhappy. You're both unhappy. Your relationship feels more like an metaphor for his self-improvement than a beautiful thing you share. Eventually you break up for good. [if mem_ending_parent] He says he'll help with the kids... but he doesn't really have the patience for it.

and without it

Your relationship has its dizzy highs, but more than its fair share of horrible lows. You kind of like it though... it keeps things spicy. You've never been happier than when you and Vace are tearing into each other, whether it be on the training mats or in bed. It makes you feel alive. It all comes down when one of Vace's soldier buddies breaks rank and tells you... Vace is doing the same with other people. The fight is cataclysmic. You scream and throw things, but nothing gets through to Vace. Just like how things were between him and Nemmie, he doesn't consider your feelings at all. He's in it for only one person: himself. When word gets out you two are quits for good, Nemmie gloats about it for days.

here are some bits from nemmie's endings that relate to vace as well with them staying together

However... as the years pass, you begin to see cracks form in Nemmie's happy household. Vace's overbearing nature really leaps out when he had her trapped with three of his kids under their roof, insisting he doesn't want his kids to be raised in 'some hippie creche' like Nemmie was. [if mem_vace_therapyComplete] Nemmie is miserable. She tells you about how they fight all the time- about how every day, she's scared that he'll go back to his old habits and things will break bad between them again, but she's so hopeful because she knows Vace is trying his hardest to be a good partner. It doesn't last forever, though. Vace trusts you, (and not his goddamn wife??) and with you on Nemmie's side, you get him to change his mind on the creche. With more time to breathe at home, the Nemmie you love returns. (no therapy version ->) Eventually, their relationship takes a turn for the worst. Nemmie shows her physical wounds on her skin, but it's harder to see the emotional ones. When she flees to your quarters late one night with bruises, you welcome her in and give her all the support you wished you could have given her all those long years she couldn't see.

and if you break them up

Nemmie's relationship with Vace may have been brief, but it was formative. She doesn't throw herself into loving anyone that deeply again for a long time, instead focusing hard on her work. You're by her side during her misadventures in dating some of the other soldiers- and once, notably, Rex- howling with shared indignity and laughter with every awkward breakup.

for a bit more of a spotlight of how specifically formative vace was nemmie's first relationship and she was 16 going on 17 while vace was 20 going on 21 He Is 4 Years Older Than Both Nemmie And Solanaceae And They Are The Only Named Characters He Can Get Romantically Involved With solanaceae and nemmie were 14-15 when he first meets them i dont remember exactly how old cause i havent played the game in almost a year n the files im using rn (endings + vace's character file) dont have that specific info in them but in the game you can click on character portraits to see the info you have about them which includes their actual ages (+ in game birthmonth) in them anyway theres a lot more i can include but its late n this is already long so heres the specific event i was referencing in my submission i'll do this -> (...) <- to indicate that im omitting some lines for length

You're feeling self-destructive today, so you go looking for Vace. He finds you first. CLANG! Vace gets the drop on you, grabbing you around the neck and slamming you into the metal wall. You're dragged unceremoniously into a side room. Vace's hand clamped across your mouth. He throws you to the ground, and you take quick stock of your surroundings. It looks like a munitions room, though it's been mostly empited but for a few stacks of boxes. There's no one here except you and Vace. Vace stands over you, placing his heavy boot on your chest to keep you pinned to the ground. "It's time you and I had a little chat, Solanaceae." (... just two dialogue choices that lead to vace insulting you before continuing) "Here's what's going to happen," Vace says, deadly calm. (... vace explaing that is going to beat you up expects you to lie there n take it n then ->) "And three, you're going to wake up somewhere else knowing that if you ever mouth off to me in front of my men again, next time you aren't going to wake up." (... dialogue option of "screw me yourself, coward." leads to hookup n will break up him n nemmie if you havent already broken them up n then two skill check choices of Stop You Could Kill Me and Stop You Have More To Lose (ie his position n respect from others as a solider) Than I Do leading to the successful release ->) You close your eyes and wair for the blow to land. It doesn't. "Shit," Vace mutters, lowering his hand. He drops you back on the ground and steps away. "Get the hell out of here before I change my mind." You do that, fighting down the nauseating feeling of his eyes burning a hole in your back. It's not until you're back outside and gulping huge breathes of fresh air that you stop trembling.

you can cheat on vace with a nonromantic victim of his btw n you can be in like an actual polycule in this game n attempting to date anyone else while in a monogamous relationship you automatically break up with the other person but you can cheat on vace if you want to cause he sucks so much back onto the event though those are the successful talking options you can also start fighting him back n convince him to fight you fairly (n then also run away immediately if you dont have enough skill for the Kick His Ass dialogue option netting you the same line about taking huge breathes of air to stop trembling) but here's the text for if you lose talking him down

"Please, don't hurt me." "I'm not hurting you," Vace says. "I'm making you stronger." You close your eyes. It doesn't help. As foretold in the prophecy, you awaken in the medbay some time later. Your skull feels like it's full of buzzing blip bugs. One of Congruence's monitors lights up and she slides over to your bedside. "Welcome back," she says in her best attempt at a soothing voice. "Don't be alarmed, it's quite normal to be disoriented after a head injury. How are you feeling?" (... two dialogue choices that only add one word to the following) Congruence whirrs. "Yes, according to the report from Vace, you were in a training accident," she says. "You should use more caution when sparring, Solanaceae. Concussions are not an advised part of a healthy training regimen."

you can get this event at like almost any time it just requires pissing vace off n solanaceae to be 17+ (as vace n nemmie start dating during their 17th birthday party) you might even be able to trigger it while already dating him (would have to test it tho) cause the thing that triggers the event is ~ if mem_fight_vace > 2 and the things you can do to get that number up are like winning at space soccer n then punching him for insulting your friend and winning sparring against him things unrelated to whether or not you're dating him here's some photos i took of the former event when i got it as a treat for reading all of this no one who dates him is getting a good relationship

[leastdatablebracket]

24 HOURS LEFT!

SEMI-FINALS, MATCH 2

Propaganda under the cut!

Peter King

Propaganda

Oh I could go ON AND ON but here’s a list: He’s a stalker, he showed up late to a date HE REQUESTED, he killed either your landlord, roommate, or coworker (depending on route) and stuck them in a freezer, lied to the police about it, followed by a car ride either consisting of traumadumping about his family (valid tbh) or him talking about how much he wants to fuck your brains out, then you finding a bloody knife in his glove compartment, asking about it, and him smashing your head into the window to shut you up while he takes you to his house. He is The Worse Datable, as well as The Only Datable because well…he killed the others…and kidnapped you….

FUCK THIS DUDE!!! Country Human looking-ass bitch, I want him dead and obliterated

Many violence, Yandere behavior, cut your leg off in a semi-canon series of illustrations, smashed your head into the passenger side window of his creepy van, chloroformed you in your own house, brought you flowers that were probably tainted with his own blood, given context from another route. Generally a terrible person. Also just very strange to look at :/

He knows what he did….😒

He broke into Y/N’s house and chloroformed them. Generally a really creepy and perverted guy. TK is better :/

Send that man to Worst Datable Hell! Put him in the trash file (he’s a pseudo-sentient AI, similar to Monika, so this threat is valid)! He sometimes looks like a kicked puppy when talking to you, but with your small contributions, we can make him look even more like a kicked puppy! Vote Peter King for Worst Datable Datable Character today! Bonus: Funny canon facts about him! - He can’t swim - He’s allergic to peanuts - He has to wear glasses, but usually wears contacts - He had an emo/goth phase in high school - He’s a YouTuber; he does product reviews - He has very strong mother issues (understandably) - He will respond to and greatly enjoy the nickname “Cockbite” (there are many other names he enjoys, but this one’s the funniest to me)

Cullen Rutherford

Propaganda

stupid racist cop creep whose fans cry about how hes "changed" and "you can't judge him he was addicted to magic drugs" nah he still chose to be a racist cop and abuse his power over innocent people and i hate him. the writers making him romanceable in da:i after how blatantly horrible he was in da:o and da:2 is baffling but i guess they had to appeal to the part of their audience who watch those "mafia boyfriend" videos on tiktok or whatever

He's creepy in origins, though still 100% willing to kill the female mage pc he's crushing on, as well as all the other mages trapped in the circle with him. He's the second-in-command in an even worse circle in 2, listening to and defending the increasingly obviously insane meredith until literally the end. He's one of the people still pushing for the circle system by inquisition, and yes he's going through withdrawals and working through the traumas of previous games. And to be brutally honest his was the first romance i took and while i don't remember much from it, its not worth all the girls going absolutely nuts over knockoff terrible alistair.

He's basically a cop who thinks being born a certain way can revoke personhood and by Inquisition still thinks mages are monsters to be controlled, not people. He gets a fairy tale cutesy romance that focuses on his personal struggles with addiction while showing absolutely no regard to the atrocities he committed and still thinks were justified. He can be romanced BY A MAGE and his actions and beliefs are just glossed over. He believes mages are 'not people like you (Hawke) and me', but if the Warden was a female mage he canonically had a crush on her and would deliberately hang around her despite the fact that he was her *jailer*. If that Warden romanced Leliana, there is war table dialogue in which he pesters Leliana for news of his 'former' crush despite her repeated statement that she doesn't want to talk to him about her. All this shitty behavior and lack of introspection gets swept under the rug by the game, not even giving the PC the chance to really challenge his beliefs. Like damn even Fenris could apologize when he lashed out due to past trauma with mages, and if anyone has a reason to hate mages it's Fenris. If you want an ex Templar hottie Alistair is RIGHT THERE. Tbh I know Cullen is a popular romance and I'm not here to tell anyone what they can or can't do or like in a video game, I'm just saying I think he is deeply undateable

Spends the first two games as an antagonist, fervently devoted to the cause of subjugating mages, then a bunch of "character development" happens off screen and the games treat him like he's completely reformed. However he's actions make it clear he still sees mages as dangerous and lesser. Not to mention if you romance him with an elf he doesn't pay your culture more than lip service respect like most of the devout characters 

He was a total villain in the first two games who was violently prejudiced against mages and uses one single bad experience as an excuse for it (a bad experience that is pretty much exactly what he in his job subjected graduating apprentices to, mind you, but this is never brought up). Now he says he's changed, but his words and actions say otherwise. He still distrusts mages, sympathises with the rebel Templars trying to kill them, and he never owns up to the terrible stuff he did and helped others do in the past two games. He totally knew what Meredith was doing and says he doesn't, and he still tries to defend her intentions. And you have no option to call him out on it. If you romance him as a mage, he angsts about how he might have seen you as subhuman in the past but NOW you're one of the good ones, and when you ask him if he'll kill you if you get possessed, he dodges the question. And the PC is written as being almost sad that she's a mage? Like 'can you love me despite what I am??' Also if Leliana romanced a female mage PC in the first game who is still alive, he asks her creepy questions about their relationship. Fitting considering his original purpose was to be creepy to the female mage Warden. 

I hate him and want to cause chaos. Plus his VA is an asshole.

Cop

I think you covered almost everything but don't forget that beautiful moment in DA2 - Act 2 where you find out some templars had a petition to lobotomize all mages and Meredith, THE HARDCORE TEMPLAR LEADER, rejects it, but Cullen says they got a point. Despite the fact that we just found out that those templars were using lobotomy (or the threat of) to rape people and get away with it. And then Cullen in DA:I is whining that anything that happened it's not his fault because Meredith kept the worse away form him so he didn't know, but also that anyway Meredith had a point and did what she had to do. Meredith does not go mad until Act 3, before she was of sound mind and Culllen was her second in command BECAUSE he hated mages as much as (or even more) than her. What the FUCK did she even hide from you, Cullen. Oh, but he changed! Because the writers make A VICTIM OF THE TEMPLARS say so. And anyway he only says so BECAUSE HE READS MINDS not because Cullen did anything to show it. Also the narrative wants to sympathise with Cullen for his drug problems while Cullen is openly attacking the only other character with the same problem for...having the same problem. And he's the antagonist, so there were OTHER things Cullen could be mad about. But he is mad about the drug problem. Also I'm not an expert on writing characters with addictions but he is an addict only when it's time to have a cut scene where you pity him. Otherwise it has zero impacts on everything else.

[leastdatablebracket]

24 HOURS LEFT!

SEMI-FINALS, MATCH 1

Propaganda under the cut!

Solas

Propaganda

He believes all mortal beings deserve to die. He is bald but in a very unsexy way. He exudes zero chemistry and talking to him about romance is like talking to a boiled egg. 

Described by major media as "elf hitler," he dumps you to destroy the world

He is a smelly know it all, and that's before you find out he is a deity in disguise who caused the rift you spend the game trying to fix in the first place and he betrayed you and chopped off your hand

Breaks up with you, disappears without saying anything, plans to destroy the world

Look. I’ll admit I have not personally romanced solas. I am baffled that anyone would WANT to romance solas. I know we all love a waify little elf wizard with questionable motivations but jfc look at him like im trying not to say anything demeaning about bald dudes but he does not wear it well. Also iirc you can only romance him if you’re also an elf and then he’s weirdly rude and dismissive if your character is Into Elf Culture. Look im a huge lesbian but Iron Bull is RIGHT FUCKING THERE why would you do this.

Vace

Propaganda

well you (the pollrunner) already know cause hes ur icon but i will say that at least he is meant to suck as a romantic partner with only one ending (two if you include astronaut) having him and sol (the player character) staying together on the other end tho there's three ways to start dating him one is to make him go to therapy n then start dating after he is no longer abusing his girlfriend (either breaking them up by convincing him to dump nemmie or convincing nemmie that hes the scumbag he is n she deserves better) another is to be his side piece and the third way is getting him so mad he drags sol off by the neck to beat the shit out of them with this event ending with either him n sol sleeping together (also causing him and nemmie to break up) sol getting the living daylights beat out of them (to the point they got knocked out n needed medical care) with the implicit threat of vace will do this again if they dont stay out of his way and sol avoiding both of those things but being so shaken by the experience that theyre struggling to breath until theyre outside and fully away from him which gives a very different undertone to hooking up with him in this event

the stuff from when i submitted him is entirely from memory so im directly grabbing snippets from the game files this time around (stuff from the game will be in italics like this spoilers for the game btw) starting with if solanaceae is dating vace during the green vertumna ending (warning for abuse cause he is like intentionally written to be abusive)

As the military gains more power under Lum, Vace feels ambivalent over the increased role he's forced take in adjudicating the pointless squabbles of colonists indefinitely trapped in a tin can- more akin to a police officer than a pround defender. This ambivalence turns to bitterness and resentment. He backslides even further during your relationship with him, eventually becoming violent. Your relationship with him ends in a protracted, messy manipulative break-up that occupies the gossip mill for weeks.

this is the only ending where he becomes physically abusive... to solanaceae at least as if you dont break him and nemmie up and dont manage to corral him to therapy this is a piece of his ending card

Vace loves the idea of having a family to protect. Nemmie retires from active duty when they announce that they're expecting their first child... and then second, and their third shortly after that. He and Nemmie are the picture of bliss for years... that is until it all comes crashing down. Vace is your friend, which is probably why you didnt see the cracks until their family was already broken. Nemmie takes the kids and leaves him in the middle of the night, and Vace never really tells you why... but judging from the way people rally around Nemmie so he can't get to her again, you can take a guess.

the snippet if vace does go to therapy isnt much better

You know that Nemmie was never the mothering type, and having kids is tough on her. (<- nemmie has been repeatively establish throughout the game to not want to be a mom and break up with you if you get the prolific parent career) and Sometimes you wonder if they're truly happy together or just... stuck with each other, but at least they've found some peace.

here are the snippets from if you're dating him first if he goes to therapy (good ending?)

Your relationship has its ups and downs. Vace has a lot of unpacking to do, and it takes time. On his worst days, he's just as he was before: quick to anger, and quick to fall back on intimidation tactics to get his way. You're able to see through to the struggling man underneath, but it takes a toll on both of you. You date on-and-off, fighting and making up often. He's never violent or cruel towards you, (sideeyes other endings) but after a while... you just realize you're unhappy. You're both unhappy. Your relationship feels more like an metaphor for his self-improvement than a beautiful thing you share. Eventually you break up for good. [if mem_ending_parent] He says he'll help with the kids... but he doesn't really have the patience for it.

and without it

Your relationship has its dizzy highs, but more than its fair share of horrible lows. You kind of like it though... it keeps things spicy. You've never been happier than when you and Vace are tearing into each other, whether it be on the training mats or in bed. It makes you feel alive. It all comes down when one of Vace's soldier buddies breaks rank and tells you... Vace is doing the same with other people. The fight is cataclysmic. You scream and throw things, but nothing gets through to Vace. Just like how things were between him and Nemmie, he doesn't consider your feelings at all. He's in it for only one person: himself. When word gets out you two are quits for good, Nemmie gloats about it for days.

here are some bits from nemmie's endings that relate to vace as well with them staying together

However... as the years pass, you begin to see cracks form in Nemmie's happy household. Vace's overbearing nature really leaps out when he had her trapped with three of his kids under their roof, insisting he doesn't want his kids to be raised in 'some hippie creche' like Nemmie was. [if mem_vace_therapyComplete] Nemmie is miserable. She tells you about how they fight all the time- about how every day, she's scared that he'll go back to his old habits and things will break bad between them again, but she's so hopeful because she knows Vace is trying his hardest to be a good partner. It doesn't last forever, though. Vace trusts you, (and not his goddamn wife??) and with you on Nemmie's side, you get him to change his mind on the creche. With more time to breathe at home, the Nemmie you love returns. (no therapy version ->) Eventually, their relationship takes a turn for the worst. Nemmie shows her physical wounds on her skin, but it's harder to see the emotional ones. When she flees to your quarters late one night with bruises, you welcome her in and give her all the support you wished you could have given her all those long years she couldn't see.

and if you break them up

Nemmie's relationship with Vace may have been brief, but it was formative. She doesn't throw herself into loving anyone that deeply again for a long time, instead focusing hard on her work. You're by her side during her misadventures in dating some of the other soldiers- and once, notably, Rex- howling with shared indignity and laughter with every awkward breakup.

for a bit more of a spotlight of how specifically formative vace was nemmie's first relationship and she was 16 going on 17 while vace was 20 going on 21 He Is 4 Years Older Than Both Nemmie And Solanaceae And They Are The Only Named Characters He Can Get Romantically Involved With solanaceae and nemmie were 14-15 when he first meets them i dont remember exactly how old cause i havent played the game in almost a year n the files im using rn (endings + vace's character file) dont have that specific info in them but in the game you can click on character portraits to see the info you have about them which includes their actual ages (+ in game birthmonth) in them anyway theres a lot more i can include but its late n this is already long so heres the specific event i was referencing in my submission i'll do this -> (...) <- to indicate that im omitting some lines for length

You're feeling self-destructive today, so you go looking for Vace. He finds you first. CLANG! Vace gets the drop on you, grabbing you around the neck and slamming you into the metal wall. You're dragged unceremoniously into a side room. Vace's hand clamped across your mouth. He throws you to the ground, and you take quick stock of your surroundings. It looks like a munitions room, though it's been mostly empited but for a few stacks of boxes. There's no one here except you and Vace. Vace stands over you, placing his heavy boot on your chest to keep you pinned to the ground. "It's time you and I had a little chat, Solanaceae." (... just two dialogue choices that lead to vace insulting you before continuing) "Here's what's going to happen," Vace says, deadly calm. (... vace explaing that is going to beat you up expects you to lie there n take it n then ->) "And three, you're going to wake up somewhere else knowing that if you ever mouth off to me in front of my men again, next time you aren't going to wake up." (... dialogue option of "screw me yourself, coward." leads to hookup n will break up him n nemmie if you havent already broken them up n then two skill check choices of Stop You Could Kill Me and Stop You Have More To Lose (ie his position n respect from others as a solider) Than I Do leading to the successful release ->) You close your eyes and wair for the blow to land. It doesn't. "Shit," Vace mutters, lowering his hand. He drops you back on the ground and steps away. "Get the hell out of here before I change my mind." You do that, fighting down the nauseating feeling of his eyes burning a hole in your back. It's not until you're back outside and gulping huge breathes of fresh air that you stop trembling.

you can cheat on vace with a nonromantic victim of his btw n you can be in like an actual polycule in this game n attempting to date anyone else while in a monogamous relationship you automatically break up with the other person but you can cheat on vace if you want to cause he sucks so much back onto the event though those are the successful talking options you can also start fighting him back n convince him to fight you fairly (n then also run away immediately if you dont have enough skill for the Kick His Ass dialogue option netting you the same line about taking huge breathes of air to stop trembling) but here's the text for if you lose talking him down

"Please, don't hurt me." "I'm not hurting you," Vace says. "I'm making you stronger." You close your eyes. It doesn't help. As foretold in the prophecy, you awaken in the medbay some time later. Your skull feels like it's full of buzzing blip bugs. One of Congruence's monitors lights up and she slides over to your bedside. "Welcome back," she says in her best attempt at a soothing voice. "Don't be alarmed, it's quite normal to be disoriented after a head injury. How are you feeling?" (... two dialogue choices that only add one word to the following) Congruence whirrs. "Yes, according to the report from Vace, you were in a training accident," she says. "You should use more caution when sparring, Solanaceae. Concussions are not an advised part of a healthy training regimen."

you can get this event at like almost any time it just requires pissing vace off n solanaceae to be 17+ (as vace n nemmie start dating during their 17th birthday party) you might even be able to trigger it while already dating him (would have to test it tho) cause the thing that triggers the event is ~ if mem_fight_vace > 2 and the things you can do to get that number up are like winning at space soccer n then punching him for insulting your friend and winning sparring against him things unrelated to whether or not you're dating him here's some photos i took of the former event when i got it as a treat for reading all of this no one who dates him is getting a good relationship

[leastdatablebracket]

HALF A WEEK LEFT!

SEMI-FINALS, MATCH 2

Propaganda under the cut!

Peter King

Propaganda

Oh I could go ON AND ON but here’s a list: He’s a stalker, he showed up late to a date HE REQUESTED, he killed either your landlord, roommate, or coworker (depending on route) and stuck them in a freezer, lied to the police about it, followed by a car ride either consisting of traumadumping about his family (valid tbh) or him talking about how much he wants to fuck your brains out, then you finding a bloody knife in his glove compartment, asking about it, and him smashing your head into the window to shut you up while he takes you to his house. He is The Worse Datable, as well as The Only Datable because well…he killed the others…and kidnapped you….

FUCK THIS DUDE!!! Country Human looking-ass bitch, I want him dead and obliterated

Many violence, Yandere behavior, cut your leg off in a semi-canon series of illustrations, smashed your head into the passenger side window of his creepy van, chloroformed you in your own house, brought you flowers that were probably tainted with his own blood, given context from another route. Generally a terrible person. Also just very strange to look at :/

He knows what he did….😒

He broke into Y/N’s house and chloroformed them. Generally a really creepy and perverted guy. TK is better :/

Send that man to Worst Datable Hell! Put him in the trash file (he’s a pseudo-sentient AI, similar to Monika, so this threat is valid)! He sometimes looks like a kicked puppy when talking to you, but with your small contributions, we can make him look even more like a kicked puppy! Vote Peter King for Worst Datable Datable Character today! Bonus: Funny canon facts about him! - He can’t swim - He’s allergic to peanuts - He has to wear glasses, but usually wears contacts - He had an emo/goth phase in high school - He’s a YouTuber; he does product reviews - He has very strong mother issues (understandably) - He will respond to and greatly enjoy the nickname “Cockbite” (there are many other names he enjoys, but this one’s the funniest to me)

Cullen Rutherford

Propaganda

stupid racist cop creep whose fans cry about how hes "changed" and "you can't judge him he was addicted to magic drugs" nah he still chose to be a racist cop and abuse his power over innocent people and i hate him. the writers making him romanceable in da:i after how blatantly horrible he was in da:o and da:2 is baffling but i guess they had to appeal to the part of their audience who watch those "mafia boyfriend" videos on tiktok or whatever

He's creepy in origins, though still 100% willing to kill the female mage pc he's crushing on, as well as all the other mages trapped in the circle with him. He's the second-in-command in an even worse circle in 2, listening to and defending the increasingly obviously insane meredith until literally the end. He's one of the people still pushing for the circle system by inquisition, and yes he's going through withdrawals and working through the traumas of previous games. And to be brutally honest his was the first romance i took and while i don't remember much from it, its not worth all the girls going absolutely nuts over knockoff terrible alistair.

He's basically a cop who thinks being born a certain way can revoke personhood and by Inquisition still thinks mages are monsters to be controlled, not people. He gets a fairy tale cutesy romance that focuses on his personal struggles with addiction while showing absolutely no regard to the atrocities he committed and still thinks were justified. He can be romanced BY A MAGE and his actions and beliefs are just glossed over. He believes mages are 'not people like you (Hawke) and me', but if the Warden was a female mage he canonically had a crush on her and would deliberately hang around her despite the fact that he was her *jailer*. If that Warden romanced Leliana, there is war table dialogue in which he pesters Leliana for news of his 'former' crush despite her repeated statement that she doesn't want to talk to him about her. All this shitty behavior and lack of introspection gets swept under the rug by the game, not even giving the PC the chance to really challenge his beliefs. Like damn even Fenris could apologize when he lashed out due to past trauma with mages, and if anyone has a reason to hate mages it's Fenris. If you want an ex Templar hottie Alistair is RIGHT THERE. Tbh I know Cullen is a popular romance and I'm not here to tell anyone what they can or can't do or like in a video game, I'm just saying I think he is deeply undateable

Spends the first two games as an antagonist, fervently devoted to the cause of subjugating mages, then a bunch of "character development" happens off screen and the games treat him like he's completely reformed. However he's actions make it clear he still sees mages as dangerous and lesser. Not to mention if you romance him with an elf he doesn't pay your culture more than lip service respect like most of the devout characters 

He was a total villain in the first two games who was violently prejudiced against mages and uses one single bad experience as an excuse for it (a bad experience that is pretty much exactly what he in his job subjected graduating apprentices to, mind you, but this is never brought up). Now he says he's changed, but his words and actions say otherwise. He still distrusts mages, sympathises with the rebel Templars trying to kill them, and he never owns up to the terrible stuff he did and helped others do in the past two games. He totally knew what Meredith was doing and says he doesn't, and he still tries to defend her intentions. And you have no option to call him out on it. If you romance him as a mage, he angsts about how he might have seen you as subhuman in the past but NOW you're one of the good ones, and when you ask him if he'll kill you if you get possessed, he dodges the question. And the PC is written as being almost sad that she's a mage? Like 'can you love me despite what I am??' Also if Leliana romanced a female mage PC in the first game who is still alive, he asks her creepy questions about their relationship. Fitting considering his original purpose was to be creepy to the female mage Warden. 

I hate him and want to cause chaos. Plus his VA is an asshole.

Cop

I think you covered almost everything but don't forget that beautiful moment in DA2 - Act 2 where you find out some templars had a petition to lobotomize all mages and Meredith, THE HARDCORE TEMPLAR LEADER, rejects it, but Cullen says they got a point. Despite the fact that we just found out that those templars were using lobotomy (or the threat of) to rape people and get away with it. And then Cullen in DA:I is whining that anything that happened it's not his fault because Meredith kept the worse away form him so he didn't know, but also that anyway Meredith had a point and did what she had to do. Meredith does not go mad until Act 3, before she was of sound mind and Culllen was her second in command BECAUSE he hated mages as much as (or even more) than her. What the FUCK did she even hide from you, Cullen. Oh, but he changed! Because the writers make A VICTIM OF THE TEMPLARS say so. And anyway he only says so BECAUSE HE READS MINDS not because Cullen did anything to show it. Also the narrative wants to sympathise with Cullen for his drug problems while Cullen is openly attacking the only other character with the same problem for...having the same problem. And he's the antagonist, so there were OTHER things Cullen could be mad about. But he is mad about the drug problem. Also I'm not an expert on writing characters with addictions but he is an addict only when it's time to have a cut scene where you pity him. Otherwise it has zero impacts on everything else.

[leastdatablebracket]

HALF A WEEK LEFT!

SEMI-FINALS, MATCH 1

Propaganda under the cut!

Solas

Propaganda

He believes all mortal beings deserve to die. He is bald but in a very unsexy way. He exudes zero chemistry and talking to him about romance is like talking to a boiled egg. 

Described by major media as "elf hitler," he dumps you to destroy the world

He is a smelly know it all, and that's before you find out he is a deity in disguise who caused the rift you spend the game trying to fix in the first place and he betrayed you and chopped off your hand

Breaks up with you, disappears without saying anything, plans to destroy the world

Look. I’ll admit I have not personally romanced solas. I am baffled that anyone would WANT to romance solas. I know we all love a waify little elf wizard with questionable motivations but jfc look at him like im trying not to say anything demeaning about bald dudes but he does not wear it well. Also iirc you can only romance him if you’re also an elf and then he’s weirdly rude and dismissive if your character is Into Elf Culture. Look im a huge lesbian but Iron Bull is RIGHT FUCKING THERE why would you do this.

Vace

Propaganda

well you (the pollrunner) already know cause hes ur icon but i will say that at least he is meant to suck as a romantic partner with only one ending (two if you include astronaut) having him and sol (the player character) staying together on the other end tho there's three ways to start dating him one is to make him go to therapy n then start dating after he is no longer abusing his girlfriend (either breaking them up by convincing him to dump nemmie or convincing nemmie that hes the scumbag he is n she deserves better) another is to be his side piece and the third way is getting him so mad he drags sol off by the neck to beat the shit out of them with this event ending with either him n sol sleeping together (also causing him and nemmie to break up) sol getting the living daylights beat out of them (to the point they got knocked out n needed medical care) with the implicit threat of vace will do this again if they dont stay out of his way and sol avoiding both of those things but being so shaken by the experience that theyre struggling to breath until theyre outside and fully away from him which gives a very different undertone to hooking up with him in this event

the stuff from when i submitted him is entirely from memory so im directly grabbing snippets from the game files this time around (stuff from the game will be in italics like this spoilers for the game btw) starting with if solanaceae is dating vace during the green vertumna ending (warning for abuse cause he is like intentionally written to be abusive)

As the military gains more power under Lum, Vace feels ambivalent over the increased role he's forced take in adjudicating the pointless squabbles of colonists indefinitely trapped in a tin can- more akin to a police officer than a pround defender. This ambivalence turns to bitterness and resentment. He backslides even further during your relationship with him, eventually becoming violent. Your relationship with him ends in a protracted, messy manipulative break-up that occupies the gossip mill for weeks.

this is the only ending where he becomes physically abusive... to solanaceae at least as if you dont break him and nemmie up and dont manage to corral him to therapy this is a piece of his ending card

Vace loves the idea of having a family to protect. Nemmie retires from active duty when they announce that they're expecting their first child... and then second, and their third shortly after that. He and Nemmie are the picture of bliss for years... that is until it all comes crashing down. Vace is your friend, which is probably why you didnt see the cracks until their family was already broken. Nemmie takes the kids and leaves him in the middle of the night, and Vace never really tells you why... but judging from the way people rally around Nemmie so he can't get to her again, you can take a guess.

the snippet if vace does go to therapy isnt much better

You know that Nemmie was never the mothering type, and having kids is tough on her. (<- nemmie has been repeatively establish throughout the game to not want to be a mom and break up with you if you get the prolific parent career) and Sometimes you wonder if they're truly happy together or just... stuck with each other, but at least they've found some peace.

here are the snippets from if you're dating him first if he goes to therapy (good ending?)

Your relationship has its ups and downs. Vace has a lot of unpacking to do, and it takes time. On his worst days, he's just as he was before: quick to anger, and quick to fall back on intimidation tactics to get his way. You're able to see through to the struggling man underneath, but it takes a toll on both of you. You date on-and-off, fighting and making up often. He's never violent or cruel towards you, (sideeyes other endings) but after a while... you just realize you're unhappy. You're both unhappy. Your relationship feels more like an metaphor for his self-improvement than a beautiful thing you share. Eventually you break up for good. [if mem_ending_parent] He says he'll help with the kids... but he doesn't really have the patience for it.

and without it

Your relationship has its dizzy highs, but more than its fair share of horrible lows. You kind of like it though... it keeps things spicy. You've never been happier than when you and Vace are tearing into each other, whether it be on the training mats or in bed. It makes you feel alive. It all comes down when one of Vace's soldier buddies breaks rank and tells you... Vace is doing the same with other people. The fight is cataclysmic. You scream and throw things, but nothing gets through to Vace. Just like how things were between him and Nemmie, he doesn't consider your feelings at all. He's in it for only one person: himself. When word gets out you two are quits for good, Nemmie gloats about it for days.

here are some bits from nemmie's endings that relate to vace as well with them staying together

However... as the years pass, you begin to see cracks form in Nemmie's happy household. Vace's overbearing nature really leaps out when he had her trapped with three of his kids under their roof, insisting he doesn't want his kids to be raised in 'some hippie creche' like Nemmie was. [if mem_vace_therapyComplete] Nemmie is miserable. She tells you about how they fight all the time- about how every day, she's scared that he'll go back to his old habits and things will break bad between them again, but she's so hopeful because she knows Vace is trying his hardest to be a good partner. It doesn't last forever, though. Vace trusts you, (and not his goddamn wife??) and with you on Nemmie's side, you get him to change his mind on the creche. With more time to breathe at home, the Nemmie you love returns. (no therapy version ->) Eventually, their relationship takes a turn for the worst. Nemmie shows her physical wounds on her skin, but it's harder to see the emotional ones. When she flees to your quarters late one night with bruises, you welcome her in and give her all the support you wished you could have given her all those long years she couldn't see.

and if you break them up

Nemmie's relationship with Vace may have been brief, but it was formative. She doesn't throw herself into loving anyone that deeply again for a long time, instead focusing hard on her work. You're by her side during her misadventures in dating some of the other soldiers- and once, notably, Rex- howling with shared indignity and laughter with every awkward breakup.

for a bit more of a spotlight of how specifically formative vace was nemmie's first relationship and she was 16 going on 17 while vace was 20 going on 21 He Is 4 Years Older Than Both Nemmie And Solanaceae And They Are The Only Named Characters He Can Get Romantically Involved With solanaceae and nemmie were 14-15 when he first meets them i dont remember exactly how old cause i havent played the game in almost a year n the files im using rn (endings + vace's character file) dont have that specific info in them but in the game you can click on character portraits to see the info you have about them which includes their actual ages (+ in game birthmonth) in them anyway theres a lot more i can include but its late n this is already long so heres the specific event i was referencing in my submission i'll do this -> (...) <- to indicate that im omitting some lines for length

You're feeling self-destructive today, so you go looking for Vace. He finds you first. CLANG! Vace gets the drop on you, grabbing you around the neck and slamming you into the metal wall. You're dragged unceremoniously into a side room. Vace's hand clamped across your mouth. He throws you to the ground, and you take quick stock of your surroundings. It looks like a munitions room, though it's been mostly empited but for a few stacks of boxes. There's no one here except you and Vace. Vace stands over you, placing his heavy boot on your chest to keep you pinned to the ground. "It's time you and I had a little chat, Solanaceae." (... just two dialogue choices that lead to vace insulting you before continuing) "Here's what's going to happen," Vace says, deadly calm. (... vace explaing that is going to beat you up expects you to lie there n take it n then ->) "And three, you're going to wake up somewhere else knowing that if you ever mouth off to me in front of my men again, next time you aren't going to wake up." (... dialogue option of "screw me yourself, coward." leads to hookup n will break up him n nemmie if you havent already broken them up n then two skill check choices of Stop You Could Kill Me and Stop You Have More To Lose (ie his position n respect from others as a solider) Than I Do leading to the successful release ->) You close your eyes and wair for the blow to land. It doesn't. "Shit," Vace mutters, lowering his hand. He drops you back on the ground and steps away. "Get the hell out of here before I change my mind." You do that, fighting down the nauseating feeling of his eyes burning a hole in your back. It's not until you're back outside and gulping huge breathes of fresh air that you stop trembling.

you can cheat on vace with a nonromantic victim of his btw n you can be in like an actual polycule in this game n attempting to date anyone else while in a monogamous relationship you automatically break up with the other person but you can cheat on vace if you want to cause he sucks so much back onto the event though those are the successful talking options you can also start fighting him back n convince him to fight you fairly (n then also run away immediately if you dont have enough skill for the Kick His Ass dialogue option netting you the same line about taking huge breathes of air to stop trembling) but here's the text for if you lose talking him down

"Please, don't hurt me." "I'm not hurting you," Vace says. "I'm making you stronger." You close your eyes. It doesn't help. As foretold in the prophecy, you awaken in the medbay some time later. Your skull feels like it's full of buzzing blip bugs. One of Congruence's monitors lights up and she slides over to your bedside. "Welcome back," she says in her best attempt at a soothing voice. "Don't be alarmed, it's quite normal to be disoriented after a head injury. How are you feeling?" (... two dialogue choices that only add one word to the following) Congruence whirrs. "Yes, according to the report from Vace, you were in a training accident," she says. "You should use more caution when sparring, Solanaceae. Concussions are not an advised part of a healthy training regimen."

you can get this event at like almost any time it just requires pissing vace off n solanaceae to be 17+ (as vace n nemmie start dating during their 17th birthday party) you might even be able to trigger it while already dating him (would have to test it tho) cause the thing that triggers the event is ~ if mem_fight_vace > 2 and the things you can do to get that number up are like winning at space soccer n then punching him for insulting your friend and winning sparring against him things unrelated to whether or not you're dating him here's some photos i took of the former event when i got it as a treat for reading all of this no one who dates him is getting a good relationship

[leastdatablebracket]

SEMI-FINALS, MATCH 2

Propaganda under the cut!

Peter King

Propaganda

Oh I could go ON AND ON but here’s a list: He’s a stalker, he showed up late to a date HE REQUESTED, he killed either your landlord, roommate, or coworker (depending on route) and stuck them in a freezer, lied to the police about it, followed by a car ride either consisting of traumadumping about his family (valid tbh) or him talking about how much he wants to fuck your brains out, then you finding a bloody knife in his glove compartment, asking about it, and him smashing your head into the window to shut you up while he takes you to his house. He is The Worse Datable, as well as The Only Datable because well…he killed the others…and kidnapped you….

FUCK THIS DUDE!!! Country Human looking-ass bitch, I want him dead and obliterated

Many violence, Yandere behavior, cut your leg off in a semi-canon series of illustrations, smashed your head into the passenger side window of his creepy van, chloroformed you in your own house, brought you flowers that were probably tainted with his own blood, given context from another route. Generally a terrible person. Also just very strange to look at :/

He knows what he did….😒

He broke into Y/N’s house and chloroformed them. Generally a really creepy and perverted guy. TK is better :/

Send that man to Worst Datable Hell! Put him in the trash file (he’s a pseudo-sentient AI, similar to Monika, so this threat is valid)! He sometimes looks like a kicked puppy when talking to you, but with your small contributions, we can make him look even more like a kicked puppy! Vote Peter King for Worst Datable Datable Character today! Bonus: Funny canon facts about him! - He can’t swim - He’s allergic to peanuts - He has to wear glasses, but usually wears contacts - He had an emo/goth phase in high school - He’s a YouTuber; he does product reviews - He has very strong mother issues (understandably) - He will respond to and greatly enjoy the nickname “Cockbite” (there are many other names he enjoys, but this one’s the funniest to me)

Cullen Rutherford

Propaganda

stupid racist cop creep whose fans cry about how hes "changed" and "you can't judge him he was addicted to magic drugs" nah he still chose to be a racist cop and abuse his power over innocent people and i hate him. the writers making him romanceable in da:i after how blatantly horrible he was in da:o and da:2 is baffling but i guess they had to appeal to the part of their audience who watch those "mafia boyfriend" videos on tiktok or whatever

He's creepy in origins, though still 100% willing to kill the female mage pc he's crushing on, as well as all the other mages trapped in the circle with him. He's the second-in-command in an even worse circle in 2, listening to and defending the increasingly obviously insane meredith until literally the end. He's one of the people still pushing for the circle system by inquisition, and yes he's going through withdrawals and working through the traumas of previous games. And to be brutally honest his was the first romance i took and while i don't remember much from it, its not worth all the girls going absolutely nuts over knockoff terrible alistair.

He's basically a cop who thinks being born a certain way can revoke personhood and by Inquisition still thinks mages are monsters to be controlled, not people. He gets a fairy tale cutesy romance that focuses on his personal struggles with addiction while showing absolutely no regard to the atrocities he committed and still thinks were justified. He can be romanced BY A MAGE and his actions and beliefs are just glossed over. He believes mages are 'not people like you (Hawke) and me', but if the Warden was a female mage he canonically had a crush on her and would deliberately hang around her despite the fact that he was her *jailer*. If that Warden romanced Leliana, there is war table dialogue in which he pesters Leliana for news of his 'former' crush despite her repeated statement that she doesn't want to talk to him about her. All this shitty behavior and lack of introspection gets swept under the rug by the game, not even giving the PC the chance to really challenge his beliefs. Like damn even Fenris could apologize when he lashed out due to past trauma with mages, and if anyone has a reason to hate mages it's Fenris. If you want an ex Templar hottie Alistair is RIGHT THERE. Tbh I know Cullen is a popular romance and I'm not here to tell anyone what they can or can't do or like in a video game, I'm just saying I think he is deeply undateable

Spends the first two games as an antagonist, fervently devoted to the cause of subjugating mages, then a bunch of "character development" happens off screen and the games treat him like he's completely reformed. However he's actions make it clear he still sees mages as dangerous and lesser. Not to mention if you romance him with an elf he doesn't pay your culture more than lip service respect like most of the devout characters 

He was a total villain in the first two games who was violently prejudiced against mages and uses one single bad experience as an excuse for it (a bad experience that is pretty much exactly what he in his job subjected graduating apprentices to, mind you, but this is never brought up). Now he says he's changed, but his words and actions say otherwise. He still distrusts mages, sympathises with the rebel Templars trying to kill them, and he never owns up to the terrible stuff he did and helped others do in the past two games. He totally knew what Meredith was doing and says he doesn't, and he still tries to defend her intentions. And you have no option to call him out on it. If you romance him as a mage, he angsts about how he might have seen you as subhuman in the past but NOW you're one of the good ones, and when you ask him if he'll kill you if you get possessed, he dodges the question. And the PC is written as being almost sad that she's a mage? Like 'can you love me despite what I am??' Also if Leliana romanced a female mage PC in the first game who is still alive, he asks her creepy questions about their relationship. Fitting considering his original purpose was to be creepy to the female mage Warden. 

I hate him and want to cause chaos. Plus his VA is an asshole.

Cop

I think you covered almost everything but don't forget that beautiful moment in DA2 - Act 2 where you find out some templars had a petition to lobotomize all mages and Meredith, THE HARDCORE TEMPLAR LEADER, rejects it, but Cullen says they got a point. Despite the fact that we just found out that those templars were using lobotomy (or the threat of) to rape people and get away with it. And then Cullen in DA:I is whining that anything that happened it's not his fault because Meredith kept the worse away form him so he didn't know, but also that anyway Meredith had a point and did what she had to do. Meredith does not go mad until Act 3, before she was of sound mind and Culllen was her second in command BECAUSE he hated mages as much as (or even more) than her. What the FUCK did she even hide from you, Cullen. Oh, but he changed! Because the writers make A VICTIM OF THE TEMPLARS say so. And anyway he only says so BECAUSE HE READS MINDS not because Cullen did anything to show it. Also the narrative wants to sympathise with Cullen for his drug problems while Cullen is openly attacking the only other character with the same problem for...having the same problem. And he's the antagonist, so there were OTHER things Cullen could be mad about. But he is mad about the drug problem. Also I'm not an expert on writing characters with addictions but he is an addict only when it's time to have a cut scene where you pity him. Otherwise it has zero impacts on everything else.