leearosa

[leearosa]

jan 19

the change in weather always get me. it hits me in a way that nothing else can. the warmth of the sun today brings me back to the days we used to spend together. it’s not just a 2D story in my mind. i vividly remember the emotions i felt, the breeze from the wind, the sound of the birds, the places we walked, the music we listened to. i remember the feeling of sitting at cafes with you. it feels all too real today. and i don’t know what to do with myself.

every part of my heart wants to be with you. how many times must I deny my heart? why do i struggle so much to let go? yesterday after talking to sooji, i felt really convicted to start praying for my future husband. but now i feel violated. i don’t even have the words to really describe how i feel. God, help me. give me wisdom. give me grace. i can’t hold myself up anymore. i cant bring myself to turn away and really let go. forgive me Lord, for being unable to abandon my desire. would you draw me closer to you so that my desire aligns with yours.

[leearosa]

dec 25

today i thought to myself that i want to be walking down the streets in this cold weather, enjoying the lights and the wind and the present moment with you. gathering in groups, laughing, talking and eating. i really really miss you a lot. and in a different way this time. and im so frustrated that i feel this way. i miss you so much...

God, i know i shouldn’t, but i miss him so so. so much..... and i hate that i do

im trying to look to the future promises. i want to be wholeheartedly praying for my future husband, but i need to let go of him first. and so finally the grieving process begins...

[leearosa]

dec 24

it was 14 degrees outside this night. before going to bed, my dad randomly mentioned “man.. how do the homeless people survive on nights like this..”

that absolutely shattered my heart. God, why must these people suffer? (rhetorical) my heart is so heavy. i cannot even begin to explain the weight. on days like these, i’m not so sure how to reconcile myself to the brokenness of this world and the hope in Jesus Christ. i’m not sure how to look at the broken and have nothing to offer, yet confidently cling onto hope when they’re both so real. some days the heaviness wins. and i think today’s one of them.

God, help me to honor the anguish in my soul and to honor the hope we have in You. i don’t know how but please help me because i can’t carry this.

[leearosa]

aug 11

i really want to forget

ive never ever ever wanted to go back in time and undo something so badly

i cant escape it

[leearosa]

may 25

please leave me alone.. im tired i need rest

Jesus keep them away from me

i dont need their insecurity to infect my security

[leearosa]

march 10

when i can’t see You lead me when i can’t hear You show me when i can’t stand You carry me when i’m lost You will find me when i’m weak You are mighty You are everything I need

psalms 40

11 As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!

12 For evils have encompassed me beyond number; my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me.

13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me! O Lord, make haste to help me!

17 As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!

I have nothing to offer You but my sin. have mercy on me God. may i find joy to worship You for the rest of my days.

[leearosa]

march 9

john 1

God.... help me to focus, please. i can’t even do this by my willpower alone. God, i desperately need You. help me to bring myself to my knees in awe of You. God, be my provider.

[leearosa]

God, i’m trying to remain positive, faithful, patient and hopeful, but i’m getting so tired. how much more longer must i wait? i know this is probably nothing to everyone else, but you know how anxious of a person i naturally am. for me to really take a step back and to wait and trust in you without anxiety has been a blessing.. but the doubt is waiting for me outside the door. just waiting for me to give up and let it in. i want to trust you until the end. help me to endure patiently.

God, you are a good God and you don’t call me because i’m qualified, but because You qualify me. you’re right, God. I don’t deserve any job or any of this luxury or grace in this life. but you’ve already paid for it. You’ve given it to me without any cost or condition. and i’m sorry that my forgetfulness and selfishness always take it for granted. but I humbly ask you, I beg you, to help me get a job. to help me find joy in You again. to be most dependent and satisfied in You. 

You’re the one who gave me that internship and I believe that You can do it again. In this season of stillness, quietness and emptiness, what have you taught me? what have you shown me? 

well one thing’s for sure, i’ve taken a lot for granted. and i don’t just mean granted as in “oh i forgot to give thanks”.. but to really be thankful means to live like i’m thankful. i’ve received and experienced the greatest grace and mercy in history, and it’s something i should really live out every single day. i don’t know what other people’s christian lives look like, but i know this ain’t what i want my christian life to look like. i want more of you God. i want to be blinded by your glory. God, bring me back to you. bring me to my knees. 

in the midst of my discomfort, anxiety and hopelessness... would you be my peace and my grace? in this worst season of my life, God would your love cover me and redeem me? i pray that i would come out stronger. Jesus..... i need You so much more than anything else... if i can’t have You, i really can’t do this life on earth... give me faith and hope... help me to find my lost joy..

God, are you there? can you hear me? have mercy on me...

[leearosa]

tired

i know that You’re powerful and stern but i also know that You’re gentle and loving. i don’t want to return to you out of fear and discipline. please be loving and gracious. please don’t hurt me. i’m having a hard time and i’m not sure what to do. but i think this might be the only way to do it. please be patient with me. i’m sorry, I really am. 

have mercy on me, oh Lord

[leearosa]

rode a motorcycle today. i felt free. excited. a little alive. a very secret part of me wants to go back on again at 100mph and then just let go. the wind. the force. the impact.

re-watched gone girl. looked at myself and was reminded of my psychosis. wow this is crazy. im fucking crazy. im fucking dying. and nobody fucking knows. why? maybe because im hiding and lying to everyone. maybe because they dont even really care anyways. this is a terrible situation in every way possible but guess what i dont fucking care anymore

anyways i HAVE to get up tomorrow and get shit done. if i don’t do this i cant survive. idk what the point is anymore but i must work hard or im just gonna make life worse.

fuck this life

[leearosa]

i dont even know how to process anything. i feel like if i’ve been struggling to survive for the longest time, i finally flat-lined.

wish i could quietly just die. i wouldnt want to leave my family behind. but its not like id be affecting anyone else. after death? how cool it’d be to just completely stop existing. heaven? hell? 복잡하다

i just want to stop

[leearosa]

i dont know if this is a poor habit or just a fair survival instinct,

but i’m ready to keep myself distracted for the next month. 

[leearosa]

진짜 진짜 진짜 죽고싶다

설명할수 없는 만큼 죽고싶다

너무 아프고 힘들다

[leearosa]

‘Just Have More Faith’

(a desiringgod article by Vaneetha Rendall Risner)

Suffering Is Not Punishment

Even though I know these truths, I have often been discouraged that others have been rescued while I was still suffering. Prosperity gospel proponents have told me that if I had prayed in faith, my body would have been healed, my son would have been spared, and my marriage would have been restored. It was all up to me. If I just had the faith, I would have had a better outcome.

Their words have left me bruised and disillusioned, wondering what I was doing wrong.

But that theology is not the gospel. God’s response to our prayers is not dependent upon our worthiness but rather rests upon on his great mercy (Daniel 9:18). Because of Christ, who took our punishment, God is always for us (Romans 8:31). He wants to give us all things. Christ himself is ever interceding for us (Romans 8:31–34).

If you are in Christ, God is completely for you. Your suffering is not a punishment. Your struggles are not because you didn’t pray the right way, or because you didn’t pray enough, or because you have weak faith or insufficient intercessors. It is because God is using your suffering in ways that you may not understand now, but one day you will. One day you will see how God used your affliction to prepare you for an incomparable weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4:17). This is the gospel. And it holds for all who love Christ.

such a good reminder. so good. God, no matter how many times it takes, please continue to remind me of the real gospel til it is ingrained in my heart and in my life. Jesus, have Your way.

[leearosa]

im sure you know this by now, but my heart, mind and soul are total messes. i dread each day. i dread life. i have no joy, no hope, no love, no motivation. 

you haven’t given up on me, right? a part of me knows you won’t ever be done with me, but another part of me doesn’t really believe it. 

i know my faith is so small. i know it is not hopeful or steadfast. but do i even care? i don’t even really want to fill myself with anything else. i just don’t want anything. i don’t even know if i want to be saved from this. i feel like i’m just watching myself secretly die. in the past, i would show the most subtle, secret, desperate cries for help. but this is scary now. because i’ve stopped believing someone would help me. i’m slowly dying alone, while hoping that everyone around me will just leave me alone for the most part. and as for God? i’m not really crying out to Him either. i don’t know if its worth it. i feel like ive forgotten everything. in my head i feel like its just like.. sorry ive failed you God but i cant do this, i don’t even know if i want You to help me anymore.. i feel like im losing the last desire i had to live.. 

i saw a desiringgod article today titled “Jesus will not leave you alone”

even after reading that, i just wonder, yeah, but maybe im an exception or something.. whatever.. 

i know this isnt truth.. its all ridiculous lies.. but is knowing that even enough at this point? 

these desires get deeper and deeper.. feelings that i wont write out lol

maybe i should ask for help. maybe i should ask someone completely random

but maybe this burden is too heavy for a human to hold

[leearosa]

today was a really good day. got up 7:30 am to go hiking. weather was freaking amazing. went to eat. went to the beach. enjoyed the weather some more. went back to apt to rest. ate playa bowls. went to sauna.

i was with friends the whole day, but for some reason i feel like i spent good quality alone time. i didnt really mean to, but i was able to some reflecting.

why is it that once i pause talking to/thinking of my closer/closest friends, im able to be more free?

am i too vulnerable with them? do i feel too great of a loss when i expect them to love, care, consider and appreciate me just as much as i appreciate them? a part of me just wants to be alone forever. i’m not really angry at anyone. i know that they don’t owe me anything. but as a human being, it kind of hurts and sucks when you feel unappreciated and useless. it sucks when you feel like you’ve been pushed aside. maybe it’s a me problem. maybe i’ll just lie to everyone and hide it. maybe i can secretly emotionally detach myself from everyone.

today me, joy and erica were randomly talking about funerals. we ended up talking about how we would want our deaths to be “mourned”. without much thinking, i just said that i only want my family there. and it got me thinking, you know? i’ve come to the point where i really don’t want to attach strings to anybody anymore.

can i do this? secretly cut emotional (but not physical) strings with everyone?

i feel like that one night i decided to just detach myself away for a bit was scary. it’s like i was normal one second and then within like 15 minutes, i was fed up. out of nowhere, i thought to myself. fuck this. i can’t handle what i see. i wish i was oblivious. i’m done. everyone i know will be snipped out the moment i get a chance.

and so i really did it temporarily, but i’m still debating if it’s worth resuming things. i know God is probably sad to see me do this, but it’s so painful. i don’t think anyone but God could understand. thursday night, i seriously reached a scary point. i was always pretty good at self discipline and control, but i just reached a point where i needed to let go of something or else i was gonna die.

i’m done secretly crying out for help. i’m not even gonna bother sharing with anyone. i’d rather keep this to myself and take it to the grave.

@   all my friends, sorry i’m like this. wish i could be chill, selfish and self-oriented. but i’m just not. i feel what’s around me. i see what’s around me. i can’t keep to myself. i’m prob a fcking psycho. i can’t maintain normal, healthy, sane friendships and relationships without being overwhelmed by the weight of everything.

you know what? things can resume. i will resume it physically and on the surface. but it won’t be the same as before. im not resuming any emotional ties. i feel like i can finally breathe. that’s all i really wanted honestly.

so what happens with their burdens? if they reach out for help, am i supposed to take their hand but just not reach out about myself? or does it not work like that? maybe it can work like that if i just hide it and have them believe im doing great. ah terrible plan but at the same time its great and i like it. sounds good 2 me

[leearosa]

being alone has been really good.

found myself focusing for class. went to the gym. not taking naps. not much has changed but i feel so much lighter.

don’t really know how to make sense of this though.

i guess i’m really trying to find myself and what really matters.