lekonai

[lekonai]

dream; bittersweet

"have it a second time" my brain tells me, and i see her figure once again. her face unrecognisable from the moment i wake up, i struggle to even think of who i'm trying to recollect, or who i could be thinking of. is it a future? a past? what if it's a symbol for someone of right now? i don't know, that annoys me the most.

i remember the first night of which she had appeared within my dormancy, it wasn't too absurd, not a new concept, maybe she had appeared prior in another dream, one that i recall in which i locked lips. but, that was out the view, and not in recollection at that time, this "first" dream i saw her vividly, i can't remember what the line of events were, but i do remember the feeling, the warm embrace, it was like an awkward first date, but not even a date, i was there for countless hours, maybe even days.

i got along with my day fine after that dream.

then came the second, like an aftershock, but the initial shudder i had forgotten, it was that long after, like valdivia's 9.5.

while it happened a few nights prior to the time i'm documenting it, i can't say it's completely shaken off me, it reminds me of another time where i had felt i was loved within the eternal span of a dreamscape. every detail, every nuance, for as much as a dream withers, it feels mostly still there. starting, it was within the embrace on her sofa, and i don't know what we were doing, was it watching tv? listening to music? it was something recreational, maybe. i remember crawling across her body, like the incapacitated on normandy, i had dragged across her like i needed something, something to heal me, she was my saviour in that moment. i gazed into her eyes, those wonderful eyes, my hands around her face and by her body, careful not to trap her long, golden hair. "she wasn't my type" i tell myself now, not like i wouldn't date someone that had looked like her, but not like i had thought she was my first image of a woman during my sleep, your brain needs familiarity to run, it'll collapse without imagery and dreams, finding familiarity within something you wouldn't consider familiar in your awake conscious was a strange feeling. returning to that brief moment, i remember just looking deep into her eyes, i hovered above her for long enough to recall it days later... and i went in, i kissed her, once, twice, so many more to the point it had changed to a new scene after some random interval; those marks of her tender skin remained after i was awaken.

it was warmth, that's what it was, nothing more, nothing less, and it annoyed me that i had so much warmth within the chambers of my skull. the whole dream past that, it was just me spending time with her, i'm not sure why she was french, "that's an irrelevant detail", but a detail that's so absurdly unnecessary that it just adds to that bittersweet feeling that had ran me through by the sun's break.

what else occurred in her dream? it was more of her embrace, i had met her mother, even, and while not a word uttered out her mouth, she had such a distinct look to her that everything had just felt too real for me not to be bothered. her hair was in contrast to her daughter's, it was dark and styled as a pixie cut, her figure slim just like her descendent, and she wore a pink turtleneck. that's all i can think of now, that's all that i can think of within this dream, that's all my thoughts on a piece of internet history.

concluding on

i'm not sure what i can conclude from a - now recurring - dream such as this... and maybe there's a meaning out there, on some encyclopedia for dreams and thoughts, but maybe it's worth just a bit more introspection, what do i really want? i have bigger worries at the moment, and while i'd adore a relationship, an era of innocence to intimacy with someone, i... well i thought i had more to say

i can think of another instance where something similar had happened, years ago, back in my infancy, something just like this had occurred. not sure why, not sure when, i didn't ever forget her face, well, don't ask me now what she had looked like, i only remember the fair olive skin and a hair colour palette so wildly exuberant that i wouldn't dare dye my own hair colour like this within any century of any time period.

[lekonai]

convenience; life

i adore the conveniences of life, i have a bowl to poop in, a sink with water, a microwave that heats my food, an oven that cooks my food, a fridge to keep my food cold. i have a dishwasher, it washes all my cutlery, and i have a washing machine that cleans all my clothes. i have a computer, i have so much, it's pretty awesome...

a lot of people people forget the conveniences of life, the cars the transports the fact i can talk to my friends on demand no matter our locations, whatever you may think about it's probably possible to do it from your home (well not everything, but you get the general gist of what i'm trying to say don't you?).

and it's funny really, we have everything around us and we still seek more, we have this innate feeling to just keep going, to keep wanting more. and it's fun! but it's also miserable!

all i want from 2025 is really one thing (apart from being the orange man, but we digress!) and that's to get into some bum ass university, and i want that more than anything, i think i won't worry as much about education and whatnot from that point on as there's nowhere to fall, ykwim? but the amount i want it is insane, i can feel satisfied with whatever i hard, i can take my foot off the accelerator for a bit, i could go for a lower uni, i have everything i want, but i still want more.

it's with everything too! the drive to learn the drive to just do more, learn more, see more, it's so strong! i love it. of course there's the downfalls when my sorrow gets a hold of my throat and suddenly i'm sick and tired of being single, but that's for moments.

i like life, it's great fun. and i'm looking forward to what's next. but i'll genuinely be but into some comatose like depression if i don't get into this bludrassclart uni. A*AA is fucking mental.

[lekonai]

smell; portofino

And the funny thing is that I asked him what perfume he had on, and I told him it smelt really good, which wasn't a lie. And I told him it smelt familiar, which is also true, but I never told him where from. The thing is, it was a smell that was familiar to me, and it came to me in a wave of emotion, I'm not sure what that emotion was, but it felt nostalgic at the very least... The worst part was the source, the last time I felt loved, how long ago was that now? 2 years and a few months, I remember when I severed it that July. 

The thing is I don't miss her, but a smell is wildly important to me, something like a specific hand wash will bring me back to some memory I had with someone earlier this year for example, or how this soap I had been given in the Uni of Bath had given me such an important recollection to LITERALLY nothing (and I mean it, while the other scents that bring me some retroactive effect has an obvious source, this specific example does not have one) that I had to take it home with me. 

The smell he wore though, I couldn't shake it, like damn dude you wear great perfumes, you have a whole collection, why is it that this one is throwing me off so much, I'm sure there's others that has, but not as much as this.  

I guess it was something I hadn't properly dug up… it's a nice smell too. 

[lekonai]

culture; religion.

i sit, reflecting upon the secret i told to my cousin. all i told him was that i had struggled with religion, and that i didnt wanna be [religion], you know?

it wasnt even the first time i had told him, yet he's such a dick about it.

i just wish i hadnt messaged him late that one night and let it slip, i forgot how hard he dickrides it, its admirable how much someone is connected to a religion, but at the same time it creates insufferable people, as with everything.

i wish he wasnt one of them, his daddy issues is so apparent, his need for attention and his struggle with his own emotion, thats my uncle that is, and its annoying to know how disconnected he is from his own son.

and thats my closest cousin, he's younger than me yet speaks to me like im about to run him down in a back alley, the one id have imagined i could tell him anything, but his situation with himself is dire, and he struggles so much he made my secret into some issue of his own, telling me i fucked him over?

he tells me ive changed solely due to this fact but in the 7 years of which ive been back and forth, there is nothing about religion that has particularly defined my character, he is constantly frustrated, and any day which he sends me a chat on sc is the day my heart drops because god forbid he's cussing me out again because no way am i retaliating against my little cousin.

i was raised as [religion], i didnt choose to be a part of it, i was merely taught. and i guess i wasnt taught well enough, why is it that, despite being the golden child of this generation on both sides of the family, i am everything my family doesn't want me to be, why is it that religion matters so much to them, and that i could be facing exile or disconnect from half my family merely because i dont want to be [religion]?

then theres also the part where i like men too, i guess thats another thing thatll make me unlikeable.

born in a secular country, expected to stay in the echo chamber that is [religion]. it wont work for me im afraid, and you cant be sad that i didnt turn out the way you wanted me to be.

and my dearest cousin, i dont want to see you if this is what you are. i miss the self where you were whimsical, but the words you use now are without point, and with only value of hurt. you have issues to consult, and im not gonna help you because i couldnt give half a shit after all what youve said, YOU were meant to be there for me, and the moment i say one thing you decide to hate me?

how am i different...

i am me, not a reflection of what you wanted to be.

[lekonai]

online; platonically.

losing an online friend is strange, it's like you've not lost anything of physicality, but there's something inside of you that really was lost. there's a bond that you had, and despite most of these feelings being completely built off some wires across an ocean (or in this context, a bit of fiber optic and servers that spanned across 90 miles at a stretch), it still hits as hard as some breakup.

i've recently lost a friend, not for bad reason, but i lost her because her boyfriend had not enjoyed the fact some online guy was besties with her. that's fair, i understand that, he was raised with the preconception that anyone online was just 40 year old creep.

it sucks the most, i go back on old messages, on all platforms, reflect on cute calls we had or movies we may have watched and in general, all the memories that we both have contributed to forming. they're all special to me. we have no images together, of course not, but we might as well have, we might as well have been lifelong childhood friends, and that's what hurts the most. how close i was.

and to think we won't speak for an indefinite amount of time now for reasons outside all our control... i just want to die man. never would i have thought a bond built off transistors could be so meaningful. it's insane to me !

i've always had online friends, but there'll be no one i'll miss or care for as much as i did for you; i'll be waiting for your next message, ivy.

attached is a gif she sent before she blocked me on discord, i had messaged her through sms to demonstrate that i understood; that i wasn't mad. it's the worst feeling you know, separation not by anything bad, it just makes you want them back more. this wasn't ever romantic, but i'd never thought a platonic separation would be worse than a breakup.

and this is a song from an artist we bonded over. never had i heard a mitski song until you recommended me that one EP she made... i still remember listening to all your recommendations; i used to hate the emotional bonds i may've had over songs that i listened to through others or had initially attached to others, but when i think of mitski i'll never not think of you.

and another... emotional expression is quite hard for me i'd say, i mean, i wouldn't say i lack empathy or i'm apathetic or i'm somewhat a psychopath, but it's just that something like crying your eyes out is radical on a visceral level to me. that sucks the most, i can name every time i've cried in the past 5 years, which isn't good. this is a time i can say i wish i could cry, i want to cry, i just want to let it out, i feel like total... i don't know.

actually... reflecting on this... would i say i lost her? no, i don't think i have. but i'm not sure when or if i'll speak to her, and knowing that i'll never be able to regain or the fact i can't do anything without being intrusive for the sake of finding her again is the worst part.

dead in the water.

[lekonai]

crushing; risk.

you talk for hours on end; you don't notice the time fly. in what scenario does platonic become romantic, at what extent would you stay up beyond the sunrise for merely a friend... and at what point is it normal for you to miss someone you hadn't even really been friends with a few months prior.

a crush is absurd, it feels weird. you're sat in this spot where you want more and... with a friend you can be vocal about all your feelings, but this one's so rickety. so much to lose yet you probably won't lose anything at all.

i mean with everything there's always a risk of loss, so why is it that trying to go for more and at least going for that is what can lead you into a more sorrow state than as if you were to not try at all and, like, lose a friend per sé.

the worst of crushing and going head over heels for someone is the constant yearn for love that often accompanies, you're never calm, it's always an aggressive and overbearing emotion.

that need for more.