lemonhoney777 - Tumblr blog

lemonhoney777 · 7 months

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New Beginnings - March 2nd 2024

I am positioned for potential. I have moved into a new apartment all by myself, no roommates, conveniently located in the center of the city. My own art adorns the walls. My stuff is sprawled to my liking.

For the first time, I feel limitless. Like I can control my surroundings - my endeavors - like I can wash clothes whenever I'd like, or stay up late, or lay on the couch.

Today is Saturday. For context, this week I had a cold, so imagine my nose chapped from tissues and snot. I still feel 15% of the symptoms, but today was my Saturday, so I was driven to make the most of it.

I slept in, woke up at 10am. I put on blue biker shorts and a baggy shirt with a frog on the back of it. I ran errands and then came home and cleaned my apartment. I made an egg sandwich. I drank a big cup of coffee.

Last week I hung a big piece of raw canvas on my wall. To describe the size of this canvas > The size of a dog bed for a golden retriever. Or, I could easily lay on this canvas in a fetal position. Today was the day I started to paint it.

First I started with big magenta swirly lines, and then filled in the lines with green, blue, and orange. I didn't like the blue, so I waited for it to dry and then painted over it with purple.

Then I started working on some smaller pieces. I also walked around my apartment and touched up the paintings I had hung on my walls. Sometimes when you hang a painting, you start to see all the defects, and you just want to touch it up.

Then I went to the thrift store in search of some magazines or books that I could cut up and collage. I found an assortment of National Geographic magazines. As I was shopping, I got a call at 4pm from my mom who said she was at my house... I was expecting her to come by at 6pm, so I rushed back home.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I saw my mom dressed up cute in a floral skirt and a tank top. She had just attended an Orchid event (Where vendors display various orchids for sale), and she complained that the prices were outrageous so she left early. She is an avid orchid collector. I unlock my door and welcome her inside.

She drops off bags of stuff (that I didn't ask for). We sit on the couch and chit chat. She tells me about my personality as I was growing up, and my core traits.

good traits: Chatty, inquisitive, empathetic, discerning of trust, intelligent

negative traits: over-emotional, high expectations of others

We discuss my development, which diverts into a discussion of my parent's divorce when I was 14-16. Now, almost a decade later, i'm asking my mom why the divorce happened.

I will spare you the details, the past is in the past. You can predict why they got divorced - they were unhappy together, and it was meant to happen in God's timeline. Both of my parents are in new happy relationships. My dad has had a girlfriend for 6 years, and my mom is remarried.

Internally, this conversation resurfaced feelings of being a wounded child. I have inherited equal personality traits from my mother and father. I have my fathers anger and my mothers anxiety. I become a different version of myself when I am in the presence of either parent. I become more tailored to their traits, more appeasing.

At my college graduation I couldn't focus on my academic achievements. Moreso, I was just in awe that my parents were in the same room together, happy and chatting and reminiscing on old friends they use to share. Sometimes I wonder, when will be the next time I get to see them in the same room? My wedding?

I miss my nuclear family. I know people are complicated, and we're all adults, I just miss being under the same room as my mom, dad, and brother. When you're a child, you don't realize that one day your family will scatter across a map, hundreds of miles away, only to be seen on PTO long weekends or your graduation.

But at least I can still call them and chat with them. And they're happily in new relationships. I would not have wanted them to be unhappy together. But I just wish we could get together once a year to get dinner and chat. Or at least, I wish they didn't trash-talk each other to me. I wish I could be my full self around both of my parents, instead of hiding parts of me that resemble the other parent.

Regardless. Later that night I opened Tumblr, hoping to create a daily blog, which I will use to document my life by practicing my writing. I accidentally logged into the tumblr blog I ran when I was 12 years old - 16 years old. I skimmed through my old blog, and found a long post about my struggles to understand the divorce my parents were actively going through, and the guilt I felt as I moved back and forth between each parent's house. I felt empathy for my young self, it felt like I was reading her diary. Reading this post after 10 years, it hit me in the gut. It felt like divine timing to read this post, on the heels of my discussion with my mother.

What did this mean? Why is God prompting me to contemplate the heartache from divorce I felt 10 years ago? Why am I still so hurt, even though I have healed and I am happy for their new relationships, and I know the split was for the best?

I don't have the answer. All I did was log out of my old tumblr account, and create a new tumblr blog, and wrote this long post for the void. I am my mother's daughter, and my father's daughter, resembling both of them at the same time.

Things I did well today- Thrifting, cleaning, art, seeing family, eating, sobriety,

Things I could do better- Rest, relax, go with the flow, laundry

Thanks for reading!

#writing

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