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I squee every time this fic updates and each one of them is absolute perfection... That ending all but did me in

The Masks We Wear (10/?)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

AO3

Thanks as ever to @apromisednightcap my beta, my hero, the Q to my James Bond.

So a bunch of lovely people have made me art - @justanotherwannabeclassic made this gorgeous aesthetic, @ofshipsandswans made this stunning aesthetic, and @wingedlioness made this amazing manip. All artwork can be found on my blog tagged #tmww art - you should check it all out and show these amazing people some love for their talent. I’m so incredibly touched.

Killian and Emma are colleagues, friends and they’re madly in love with each other. If only they could work out that their feelings are totally requited. But then, if they still haven’t figured out that they work together as superheroes in their spare time, there’s probably no hope for them. Probably.

Previously on The Masks We Wear…

Emma AKA The Saviour has learned the truth about Killian AKA Hook AKA The Survivor’s alter ego and rescued him from Gold’s clutches, but when the time came to reveal her own secret identity, her anxiety took over and she kept her silence. Having just barely survived his encounter with The Dark One, Killian doesn’t have time to wallow over unrequited revelations - in just three days time his nemesis plans to take over the world.

Of course she’d fallen so hard for The Survivor, she was already in love with him.

“I’m so glad that Gold didn’t kill you.”

He didn’t deserve The Saviour’s secrets, and he certainly didn’t deserve her love.

“Belle, you need to assemble the Nevengers. We’re running out of time to save the world.”

Killian hated reliving his ordeal even for long enough to share what he’d learned with Belle. He talked fast to get it all out as quickly as possible, finding that it did feel a little good to not have the thoughts of Regina’s enslavement, Gold’s plan and his sincere wish to see Killian suffer rattling around his brain.

“I should have known my past mistakes would come back to haunt me,” he said wryly when he was done.

Belle smiled at him kindly and reached out a hand to give his a squeeze. “Loving Milah was not a mistake, don’t ever apologise for having love in your heart.”

He bit back a reply asking if that’s what she told herself about Gold - the sad, sympathetic look she was giving him made it clear that she did.

The silence between them was long and heavy, both lost in their contemplations of how something that should be so beautiful and pure had come to this. It was Belle who came around first. “You know we need to alert the others, we can’t wait around for Gold to do his worst.”

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[lenfazreads]

ahh I love how quickly this escalates!

Waiting to be Stolen

prologue / chapter 1 / ao3 / rated M / ~1.1k

Chapter 2: The Beanstalk

That was definitely a beanstalk. An actual, Jack and the Beanstalk , beanstalk. What the hell. Emma stared up at it, ignoring the nearly audible commentary at the edges of her mind. Whatever trick Killian was pulling, it seemed strongest when they actually looked at one another. Or her delusions were strongest then, whichever. It was probably just hormones or some shit. Her life had been excessively stressful and weird as fuck lately, all this “voice in her head” stuff had to just be her body screaming for release with the nearest, and conveniently hot, guy. When was the last time she slept anyway?

Whatever, if Killian was telling the truth, the only things standing in her way to getting back to Henry were a climbing a beanstalk, a giant, and a vindictive bitch with magic. She could handle those.

“I’m really worried about this, Emma.”

She wasn’t sure she could handle Mary Margaret right now however.

“You don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation.”

“Not the best choice of words when I’m about to climb a gigantic plant.”

“I’m not talking about the beanstalk.” Snow pulled a little further from the others and dropped her voice. “I’m talking about your,” she swallowed, grimacing, “soulmate.”

Emma rolled her eyes, “he’s not my ‘soulmate’, Mary Margaret. There’s no such thing.”

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[lenfazreads]

ahhh this is getting better and better!

Waiting to be Stolen

prologue / ao3 / rated M / ~1.4k

AN: everything is currently unedited, I plan to keep it that way as to actually get it written as much as I can.

chapter 1: Lancelot’s encampment

thirty some years later…

Emma wanted to kick something. Or punch something, she wasn’t picky. In a few short months her life had completely turned upside down. She had a son that had died to make her believe in fairytales of all things. She had parents, ones that were brave and selfless and cursed by a vengeful bitch, and what even was her life now. She kicked a rock and ignored Mulan’s glare when it knocked against her boot. Don’t even get her started on being stuck in actual fairytale land with a trio of Disney characters. Her thoughts immediately ran back to Storybrooke. Henry was left at Regina’s mercy and there was nothing she could do about it until she got the hell out of Disneyland. David better be able to protect him, or she was going to skewer Regina the second she got back. Maybe she would anyway.

Mulan led them to back towards camp. The rage at their defeat by Cora vanished in the smell of death as they approached. It was so horrifying, Emma didn’t quite register the weird muttering in the back of her mind.

“Over there!”

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[lenfazreads]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

soulmates! i’m so gone!!!!

Are you doing prompts? “ AU where soulmates can read one another’s thoughts, but only by making direct eye contact. This can result in awkward, fluffy, steamy, or angsty situations. (Bonus: Those who are blind can hear their soulmate’s thoughts regardless, just depending on their proximity.)”

So… I started this, and it kind of kept going? It may or may not turn into a full canon divergence/soulmate AU, but, at the very least, have the prologue. Thank you so much for this!

Rated… M? Hard T for sure.

Waiting To Be Stolen

“The eye is the jewel of the body.” - Henry David Thoreau

And Killian Jones and Emma Swan are nothing if not pirates.

Thirty odd years ago…

Captain Hook thought he heard a whisper in his ear. Which was preposterous, given the noise in the tavern. Whatever magic or nonsense it was could wait. He had drink, gambling, and women to enjoy.

“Wahoo!” Hook threw an arm up as the dice fell, relishing the feel of the wenches on either side tightening their grip on his waist and legs.

He found himself getting louder; the susurration would not stop. The rum did little to drown it out but it was making him care less, so he probably just needed more. He was about to signal for a third bottle when a pair of breasts sashayed over.

Swaying hips, trim waist, corset slightly unlaced, golden hair cascading down, and… Killian got lost in her green eyes.

[This is gonna be fun. And how adorable was that, being jealous of himself?”]

“If you’re willing to put ‘him’ out of mind and focus on the here and now, lass,” Hook responded, ”I can guarantee fun.”

[Oh, right, shit-]

{What-}

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[lenfazreads]

Let’s burn it all baby and rise above

Here I bring out another book review, this time from a book that came highly recommended by some of my trusted trash romance lovers. 

Burn for Me by Ilona Andrews

I want to say first that I actually really like this book and I do recommend you reading it. It does have some trigger warnings, but it’s a good book. It does end in a cliffhanger though, as it is a series. 

The book is centered around Nevada Baylor, a low-rank mage that has a PI agency and is forced to tracked down the bad boy du jour, Adam Pierce, accused of setting fire on a building In her chase she clashes with Connor “Mad Rogan” an ex-army and prime mage that is also tracking down Adam to locate his cousin, an accomplice on the fire. Nevada, Adam and Mad will soon be involved in a weaved in plot where you don’t know who to trust.

The book is narrated from Nevada’s pov and while I usually can live with that if well written - and this one is - it does cut the perspective on the story a lot.

First things first, I’m not crazy about the cover. I’m really not. A book this good deserves a better cover although according to @kliomuse the original cover was even worse until Wal-Mart demanded a little more sexiness in it. Go Wal-Mart... we all know it ain’t a trash romance novel cover unless a couple of nipples are showing. RanchDude had a better cover than Adam and Connor and that is really a shame. 

I also want to fully acknoledge that half of the comments here are excerpts of text messaged sent to @sambethe as I was reading

(under the cut for spoilers)

I was 17% of into the book Burn for Me and I couldn’t figure out who the romantic interest was going to be for Nevada. Adam or Connor? This as a bad thing for me bc I don't like it when I don't know who I need to picture looking like Colin. What if I pick the wrong one? I suppose reading the summary would have solved this but it felt like cheating so I made a bet and stick to it... almost

Magic is real in this world and families with good magic have been harvesting and picking alliances to enhance that (so basically like regency nobility). The highest rank in magic abilities are Primes.   

Adam Pierce is the second son of House Pierce and a prime. He has pyro-magic and is a bad boy that reneged his family in the name of anarchy

Connor Rogan is the head of House Rogan, a telekinetic prime extraordinaire that can move entire building and cities at the age of 19. He was actually instrumental in the war against Mexico and then reclused himself bc he’s crazy af.

You can see why I couldn’t pick them out? Look at my predicament!

 there is an entire undercurrent on admiring the Primes, so much they are tracked in Herald where fans write self insert fanfiction on them. People writing self insert fanfiction on Mad Rogan is a thing that I definitely need a spin off for.

At this point I had alreqady settled for Connor... bc I had an inkling.

There is also Augustine, who’s also Prime in illusion magic and is Nevada’s boss (his house bought her mortgage) and he’s the one that forces her to track Adam, knowing she’s in over her head. Adam is a major asshole, but a pretty one... apparently due to magic. We’re interested to see what happens

Nevada’s family rocks: her mom is an ex-snipper that still has the best aim ever (it was her magic talent), her grandma is a badass mechanic that fixes combat transportation and his cousin is a wizard with technology. They are all funny and snarky af. Grandma also loves hot guys even if they are dangerous. Go Grandma.

So here is was, rooting for Connor when this happens:

ADAM HAS A BROTHER. PETER. PETER.  I was t4earing my chlothes at this point thinking... yes yes yes! The definition of the brother is totally my catnip. All the hotness and none of the issues.

But back to the main leads, Nevada’s first meeting with Adam is hot af. He’s charming, and has swagger and says all the right things. I’m impressed.

She then proceeds to get kidnap by Mad Rogan to get information. There is a scene of Mad traying to play some telepathic vodoo shit on her, to force her to talk. But here’s the catch: Nevada, although appears as a dub (no magic) actually has a willing magic of sorts. She can tell when people lies and later on in the book it turns that she can bend people’s wills and force them to tell her the thruth. She’s amazeballs and totally fights big ol bad Prime with her own magic and stands her own while verbally belittling him.  

Her second meeting with Adam was a downer. He was a terrible fratboy that wanted her to run away with him after just meeting her and when she refuses, he throws a tantrum. Oh Adam, I had such high hopes for you, but you’re just a PyroDude.

Her second meeting with Connor is dayum. He meets her at a sushi place (she had dreamt about his shirtless that night) and when she asked him to start projecting himself on her dreams, he told her he could not have done it and asked which clothes he didn't have in it. GO CONNOR. Rogan is problematic, his methods are assertive (not to say violent) but at least he owns his shit.

Adam sadly, goes down from here. He sets her house on fire and then goes into full psycho mode. He looks hot af doing it, but craaaazy. He’s like Dark Hook on amphetamines.

Connor is still… Connor. Nevada doesn’t want people to die unless is self defense and Connor is just… connor. If someone pisses him off, homie has no filter.  He ends up killing someone to defend them but it didn’t sit well with Nevada.

"the next time I kill someone, I'd like to do it in a way that doesn't freak you out" Connor, you’re such a romantic….

Nevada and Connor’s banter gives me life… these two, once they do it, it’s going to be all dirty talk and hot smut, I tell ya. Their logics are so different and the way they balance each other is amazing. And their pull… it’s awesome

Connor referring to himself in the same way the fans in the Herald think of him gives me all the life. Her family teasing him gives me life. Grandma demanding pics of Adam & Connor gives me life.

Adam just blew Connor's car. This is like Bridget Jones lame fight between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. Only better

Connor and Augustine went to college together. Their scene meeting at Nevada’s house and their piss fight and actual fight is also priceless. Nevada went from zero to 3 hot primes in her circle. She’s not convinced that was a good idea.

Turns out Connor is also a touch telepath or something like that… meaning that he can make you feel touched without actually touching you and he can also feed back that hotness back to you as he reacts to it. Needless to say, their kissing scene is skyrocketed hot.

I don’t want to give out the plot, but just now that nothing is exactly what is seems and there’s still lots to go from Connor and Nevada. He’s little assholy at the end… but I’m hoping we’re on the road to full redemption that will come in the upcoming books. I also wonder if Peter would show up in the other books. I need a brother to redeem Adam for me.

10/10 rec book. Go read it. Let me know what you think of it!

[lenfazreads]

ahhhhhhh i can’t even! i have so many the Hating Game feelings with this one... your writing style is, as usual, damn superb and I LOVE  *almost* every minute of this

Ends, Ways, Means, Risk.

Sheriff David Nolan is stepping down, leaving his two best deputies to decide between themselves who’s going to replace him. Will it be his daughter, Emma? Or Killian Jones, the guy she’s been sleeping with on the DL? Both of them want the job. But with just 4 days until the public announcement, how far will they go to get the other to back down?

Also on ff.net

Beta-ed by the amazing @initiala, who went above and beyond in planting seeds, pruning unnecessary words, weeding out anglicisms, and just generally being adept at all manner of tasks one can turn into gardening analogies.

Art by the immensely talented @just-be-magnificent, who deserves better than me. Also check out that bloody gorgeous manip. 

Originally written for the Captain Swan Little Bang, though now it lives in its own mirror universe where the rules are made up, and word counts don’t matter. Still, if you wanted to check out the other works produced by them (including the accompanying artwork to this fic) try here. They did a very good job of matching me with some awesome people, and scaring me into finishing.

This is about 15K and change, so you might want to get comfy.

Rated Mature for Sexual References, Coarse Language and mentions of, but no actual appearances from Pennywise the Dancing Clown.

SUNDAY MORNING

“I should’ve suspected trouble when the coffee failed to arrive.”

- Frank Herbert, Dune

Emma Nolan was beginning to suspect her dad had some kind of sixth sense where she was concerned. A Dad Sense, even. A Dad Sense that somehow always knew when his daughter was about to get laid. Why else would he be calling her now?

It was Sunday morning, still early. She was kid-free. She had the entire weekend off after coming off a rough two weeks of double shifts. There was absolutely no reason for her dad to be calling her, but especially not right then, not right when the stubbly kisses grazing her thigh were finally, finally nearing their intended destination.

Goddammit.

“Leave it,” came the thick voice from under the covers, reading her thoughts as she reached across to grab the phone vibrating across her nightstand.

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CSJJ Day 15: Our Ship is What We Make Her

Killian Jones was made for sailing. It’s been a vital thread to the very fabric of his makeup since he came into the world. Emma, on the other hand, was clearly not made for sailing. 

(Here’s my little fic for today’s posting for @csjanuaryjoy! Would like to thank my friend Jen for helping me out of a writer’s block spot by giving me a prompt that kicked this thing into gear, and for being my second eyes on the fic when it was done! The title for the fic comes from A Sea Scout Chantey by James A. Wilder. And a big shout out to @lenfaz for helping make sure January Joy lived on into 2018!)

AO3

—–

It was a well-known fact that Killian Jones was an exceptionally skilled sailor. He was a pirate, after all - the Captain Hook himself. Sailing came as naturally to him as breathing. She’d seen glimpses of his prowess during their time in Neverland, and of course he’d outrun a Dark Curse with just himself aboard his ship, but it was only after they were married that Emma really took note of just how good he actually was. It was skill honed by three lifetimes of commitment to the life. More than that, it was a passion that nestled itself deep inside his very make up. Killian Jones was born to be out on the water and he cherished that almost as much as she knew he cherished the life they were building together.

Which made the fact that Emma Swan clearly wasn’t even remotely made for the sea all that more frustrating. Because she loved Killian deeper than she’d ever loved anyone, outside of her son, and she loved his passion and prowess. And yet, no matter how hard she tried to translate that love into something resembling any sort of skill on the water, she fell short every damn time.

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[lenfazreads]

You wrote the thing! I loved the thing so much....  I really enjoyed this from beginning to end. Emma and Killian were delicious, and Liam playing tricks on Regina was hilarious!

Le Cirque Noir

For the 2018 CS Little Bang! Word count ~13,400; Also on AO3

 * Let’s say 17 year old Emma got away from the cops when Neal set her up.   * Let’s say the Brothers Jones joined the Circus instead of the Royal Navy. Let’s also say they can shape-shift into big, black jaguars.   * What kind of antics can teenage!CS get into in a modern world where magic is real? Can a lost girl find her home among the “Circus Freaks”?

Grab your popcorn - the show’s about to start! 

Rating/Warnings:  T for swearing, sexual innuendo, brief non-graphic description of character/animal injury

Other pairings: Jewel Queen (Liam/Regina) and slight mentions of Ruby/Mulan

Many (MANY!!!) thanks to the wonderful people I worked with on this project: my beta @blackwidownat2814 who was so encouraging when I wanted to throw my laptop out the window, and artist @amorecolorfulmoniker who made such beautiful, beautiful pictures for the story! {artwork link coming soon}  You have both been a pleasure and a delight.

Special shout-out to @lenfaz and @businesscasualprincess  who came up with the original idea for this story which Lena made into a Halloweek edit.  Ladies, I hope this story makes you smile! And, of course, to @captainswanbigbang​ for organizing this whole she-bang!

“Have you actually attended one of our performances, Miss…?”

“Swan. Emma Swan. And no.”

“Miss Swan. This Circus is unique. It’s a safe haven for individuals with unique abilities.”

“You mean freaks and weirdos?”

The Ringmaster scowled. “Not quite. More accurately, our performers are not exactly of this world. Sometimes they come here knowing what they are, sometimes the talent is latent, and yet this place draws them like a beacon.”

Emma held up a hand to stop the monologue. She’d heard people talking in town about this amazing circus where the magic almost seemed real, but she didn’t need a sales pitch. She needed a place to hide.

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CSJJ Day 13: New Year, New Me

Ahoy, shipmates! I’m your day 13 for the @csjanuaryjoy !!! I’m so happy to once again be included with this and to be along side of such wonderful writers! Big props to @lenfaz and @katie-dub for putting this together and @pirateherokillian for editing! You ladies are treasures to our fandom!

Prompt: I made a New Year’s resolution to be better at showing the people I love how much I care… But now all I want to do is kiss you.”

Type: Canon Divergent – Marian never comes back. They get interrupted before Hook admits to trading JR.

Rating: T

Word Count: 3417

AO3

Emma decides to start her resolution before New Year’s because they missed Christmas due to Zelena and with living in Storybrooke, no one can predict when the next villain will appear, so it’s best to begin right away.

She starts with her parents—no longer Mary Margaret and David, but mom and dad—she vows to show them just exactly what having them in her life means to her. So, when her mother suggests they have a New Year’s Eve party, Emma fights back the urge to wince and tells her she thinks it’s a great idea.

The next person is Regina. Sure, they still have some tension between them, but they share custody of their son and she figures it’s best to start trying to make things better. So, when her and her parents go searching for an apartment, they stop at Town Hall to ask Regina’s opinion since Henry will be living there half the time, too. The former Queen huffs that his room better be suitable and that it be close, but otherwise doesn’t care.

It’s not much, but it’s a start.

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[lenfazreads]

Oh brother, where art thou

So... I caved and I got another one… Cowboy Daddy, because I had to know about Jason.

Oh… how the mighty have fallen.

(under the cut for spoilers)

We open the scene with Jason coming into his office, suit, tie and trenchcoat, happy about the empire he has built from scratch. My mind is already doing the math and thinking that this at least happened a few years after RanchDude’s book but then his Grandpa calls him and I’m like but the grandfather was dead when RanchDude found the baby at his door and he was 23 and he and Jason are twins…. and the madness begins.

Jason is a jerk. There is no other way to describe him so from now on he’d be JerkDude. There are two things here: JerkDude claiming how much he built his empire from nothing (and either math is not cooperating or he means that daddy gave him the money) and then there is something about him being in danger in his line of work. Am I’m thinking that maybe he has a security or something like that… but we will never know because it will never be addressed again.

We cut to Rachel, who’s waiting with Nathan (JerkDude’s grandpa) at his ranch, all eager to see JerkDude even though he left her high and dry back in the day. The way all this timeline is working out in my mind, they probably broke up when they were 14 after the homecoming dance or something.

JerkDude shows up, ignores Rachel, belittles Nathan and leaves. He drives back to the city (wherever the fuck that is) and gets a call that Nathan had a heart attack. He gets back in the car before calling RanchDude. He makes it into the hospital (RanchDude beat him to it) and Nathan dies. RanchDude leaves, JerkDude sells everything and moves to the ranch and inherit it all. RanchDude never talks to him again… there is a major brother feud in here.

Rachel offers to help, regardless that JerkDude has ignored her for days. He says yes and she starts working at the ranch with him. Until one day she bails and JerkDude goes to find her and discovers her with a toddler.

His first reaction: I can’t believe you moved on after I walked out on you so quickly and got knocked up. He storms off

His second reaction, 3 days later in his office: I can’t believe she was two-timing me while we were dating.

Yeah, JerkDude, those two are the most logical explanations.

It takes a ranch hand to spell for him that the toddler is his. Bless the local wisdom of the working people.

Here come the bullets

JerkDude comes back to talk to Rachel and asks her to come back but doesn't tell her he knows the toddler is his

They refer to that poor kid as “the toddler” all the time. His name is Jack. At least Richard was called by his name with RanchDude

Jack has got to be the quietest toddler in existence. He makes little noise and sleeps all the time. I’m all baffled that he’s not crawling or babbling or anything when I realize that they keep calling him toddler and he’s a baby

JerkDude makes a move on Rachel and she goes with it and they hook up even though she still hasn’t told him that the baby is his. And he knows and still doesn’t tell her he knows.

You know what JerkDude doesn’t know at this point. THE KID’S NAME. The asshole has the nerve of asking that after he’s been sleeping with Rachel for days. He’s actually going to ask her to move into his bedroom and HE STILL HASN’T ASKED HIS SON’S NAME.

The smut is subpar but at least I wasn’t weirded out as it was with RanchDude. It was just not hot

A girl shows up at the doorstep claiming to be JerkDude’s girlfriend from the city. Rachel’s most logical reaction is to grab the kid and leave the ranch without even asking JerkDude about it

JerkDude shows up and it turns he and Louisa (or Louise, depending which chapter you’re in) had an agreement. A 22-year-old who built his own empire from scratch after leaving the ranch life and a relationship with Rachel has an agreement with a woman. Not a booty call, not a horny call, an agreement so he, and I quote, doesn't have to go to bars anymore to pick up women. I swear, this timeline makes no fucking sense and I watch Once Upon a Time, for crying out loud.

Also, Louisa/e is pregnant. JerkDude’s first reaction is to go ask a doctor how soon can he get a paternity test.

His second reaction is to go find Rachel and tell her she’s the one for him and he wants them to be together. She still hasn’t told him the kid is his. They hire a sitter to take the toddler for a stroll. FINALLY SHE TELLS HIM THAT THE KID IS HIS. His reply is “I know”. JerkDude, you’re such a jerk. 

(they have sex on her house)

He tells Louisa/e they are not getting back together. Louisa/e claims that is SO hard to meet decent man anymore. HE’S NOT A MAN, HE’S A 22 YEAR OLD JERK. AIM HIGHER, LOUISA/E.

Turns out Louisa/e wasn’t pregnant. She was just trying to trap him. Yes, there are women in this world that still write that plot twist. #conflictmyass

JerkDude moves Rachel and the toddler (poor Jack, I fear for him. I do hope the ranch hands take care of him) to the ranch and they live happily ever after.

The author has a weird fixation with baby monitors but writes the most unrealistic babies in the world. Or the most well behaved. I want one of those if I ever have a second child.

The epilogue is JerkDude and Rachel going to RanchDude’s wedding. JerkDude welcomes Kylie to the family. Welcome to the family?!?!? SHE WAS YOUR STEPSISTER! You father married her mom after your mom died while he cheated on her and then proceeded to cheat on Kylie’s mom. You have brothers that are the same age as your toddlerbaby.

And guess what? he can’t remember why he and Noah fought about in the beginning. Probably some stupid shit… STUPID SHIT THAT HAS YOU NOT TALKING TO YOUR BROTHER FOR FIVE YEARS OR MORE? For real? In the name of the Brother Jones, the Prison Break brothers, the Shelbys and the Winchesters… YOU TWO ARE THE WORST EVER. YOUR BROTHERHOOD MEMBERSHIP HAS NOW BEEN REVOKED.

I had So many hopes for you JerkDude… and turns out RanchDude was right. You’re the worst.

[lenfazreads]

Nothing like a Ranch to get your groove back

Well, here I am, bringing you yet another review… Single Daddy. I first got interested in the book by the cover

Ain’t it pretty? Sadly, that was all that was pretty on this novella

(under the cut for spoilers)

We start the action of the novella with someone banging on Noah’s door. He lives in a ranch. His first thoughts are:

"I'm not deaf!" I shout as I start to walk down the stairs. I've a killer hangover from the rodeo last night. I don't even feel like getting up today especially with the sweet p***y that  I had after the rodeo. These cowgirls get a kick out of riding not only the horses but guys too.

Our hero, ladies and gents.

There's a baby on the door, product of a drunken one night stand in Vegas with Candy, to whom, and I quote, our lead asked her if the was as sweet as candy below the waist. One thing is clear...no cock angst for this one. Second thing, I’m calling this guy RanchDude from now on.

What is the first thing RanchDude does? Does he try to contact the mother? Social services? A certified nanny? Nope. He calls his bros who come here to tease him mercilessly. Here’s the bro linedown: there is Chad, who’s really just a major party bro (BroDude!), Martin who’s married to a golddigger, father of twins and a billionaire (BillionaireBro) and the other guy who’s name I can’t remember. BroDude and Other Guy have books in the series too. Yes, there are more books.

RanchDude is more worried about baby (Richard, poor kid) messing with him than to actually care for him. Thankfully BillionaireBro brought one bottle and two diapers and left him with a list of shit to buy. I’m still not convinced

Cut to Kylie, aka one-hit singing sensation turned goth and overwright (according to her manager, nmother and tons of assholes) who's been asked to put her act together. Her mom fashioned agent convinces her to go visit her stepbrother at the Ranch.

Jason? She asks and I’m here thinking wasn’t RanchDude named Noah?

You guessed it. RanchDude has a brother! An actual brother. a fucking identical twin that sadly is not a bro. According to Kylie, Jason is a weird, introverted one. Apparently, and this comes later from RanchDude, Jason is an asshole & greedy goldigger. Consider RanchDude’s value as character witness (due to how he acts and the way he thinks), I’m holding judgement until I heard Jason’s side on this one. I’m 99% sure RanchDude might have deserved it.

So Kylie is on her way to RanchDude’s ranch to stay with him to get her act together. He wants someone to babysit. And here we find out that they got drunk and banged each other senseless at their parents’ wedding 3 years ago. Ew, gross. But later we are told that actually RanchDude had the hots for her since the Junior High but never acted on it and then his dad met her mom at graduation and they got hitched.

This is what happens when you don’t seize the day, RanchDude.

So at the wedding, they sleep together but then she tells him not to contact her again and that it cannot happen again. RanchDude decides to get drunk each weekend and fuck everything that moves after that. Yeah, really good material, Ranch Dude. I think you can all imagine how this one goes… but here are the bullet points.

They are 23. TWENTY  - THREE. RanchDude bought his ranch at 19. NINETEEN. BillionaireBro has his own company. Kylie is a major star. At 23. *Sure, Jan*

At some point, and I kid you not, RanchDude says "we can’t all party like we were in high school, we needed to grow up”. WTF Bro? Really? Somehow it seems college doesn’t exist here

Kylie is determined to win him back when she was the one that blew him off after the sex thing on the wedding of their parents.

You can imagine it took her all but 48 hours to get RanchDude on that program

There’s a scene with a vibrator and a baby monitor that I really don’t want to talk about and that had no place in there

The smut is… not good. Bad. it’s bad. Shafts plunging into the p word. No finesse. You know when people want to write rough and it misses the mark for hot and it just feels painful? That.

There’s a blowjob whose talk at the end I want to bleach out of my memory. Really, no one talks like that. And if they do they shouldn’t. It wasn’t hot… it was… just no.

RanchDude refers to his organ as cock. Sorry, RanchDude, but yours only qualifies as a dick.

The moment she and Ranchdude reconnected, Kylie’s inspiration to write comes back. too bad that she referred to her block as musical constipation and inspiration hitting again as diarrhoea. Really, NO

Kylie is called back for work and RanchDude flips thinking she’d never be back even though she tells him she will be back. In his defense, and it is a tiny small defense, this is the same woman that asking him not to talk to her again when she wanted him to pursue him. RanchDude is an idiot, but Kylie fails at verbal communication.

Candy (aka the babymomma) shows up and she and RanchDude get into a fight and he tells her to leave and take the baby with her. RanchDude is really an asshole here… I’m thinking Jason was right in not wanting to share Grandpa’s inheritance with him after all… he’d probably would have blow it all up in a tantrum

Kylie decides she doesn’t want to sing, only songwrite and hurries back to RanchDude who’s drunk and destroyed the baby’s nursery at the ranch. Somehow they end up professing their love for one another

Cut to two years later, they are happy, sharing custody of Richard with Candy, they have a baby and another on the way. And RanchDude decides to propose…

And they haven’t turned 26 yet. Kill me.

BroDude has the next book where he pretends to be the dad of his nephew to hook up with a girl - yeah, hard pass on that one

Other Guy has the next one where he follows his ex to a fertility clinic and ends up with an abandoned baby from the waiting room. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE - passing on that one too

Jason has the 4th and is Free so I’m totes going to read that one. Stay tuned

At the end of the day RanchDude and Kylie were a hot mess and this was a trainwreck. But hey, pretty cover.

[lenfazreads]

CSJJ Day 30: Only One Way This Could Go

A bloody ancient prompt from @loving-cs-fanfiction​ : I need a fic where Emma and Killian are soul mates and everyone knows (because their soul mate identifying symbols are like super visual), but they act like rivals and say they “don’t want to be forced together”, but are actually secretly dating after a drunk hook up.Who wants to write the 3-trope pretzel for me to read?

Thank you @csjanuaryjoy & @lenfaz for putting this together! Can’t wait to go back and read all the things now that this is done. <3  Thank you @scapeartist & @tnlph for the encouragement!

Rated: heavy T, 3500 words, AO3

It was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining through the diner windows, a blue cloudless sky beyond making Emma a bit wistful for…

“When are you two going to get together already?”

She raised an eyebrow as Ruby slid into the booth next to her. “I will enjoy this cocoa in my own time, thank you very much.”

“Ha ha,” Ruby grunted dramatically and threw her arms on the table, head flopping on top. Emma rescued her mug out of the way of the brunette’s hair, scooting as far away as she could get. “Hey! Don’t you dare put my true love at risk!”

Her eyes flicked involuntarily to the leather-clad Brit at the counter, and even in a split second she knew the grin on his face was due to their antics. She refocused on her friend’s theatrics instantly, last thing she needed was to give her more fodder.

“Why won’t you just dooooooooo it?” Ruby whined into her arms.

Emma felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up, grateful to see her sister.

“She at it again?” Snow nodded towards the woman sprawled in front of them. They exchanged an eyeroll as a muffled wail escaped. “You know, she does have a point though.”

“Oh come on, Snow.”

“Emma, he’s your soulmate. There’s no question, so what on earth is the problem?”

Just from Snow’s words, Emma felt the mark on her neck pulse harder, pushing her towards the man currently sweet-talking Granny into baking his favourite pie or something else equally ridiculous.

“Alright, if we’re going into the soulmate crap, my cocoa and I are out of here.”

Keep reading

[lenfazreads]

CSJJ: Awkward

Living with your parents while you’re a thirty-year-old woman can lead to awkward situations. So can having your father be close friends with your boyfriend. So can your mother not calling before coming over. And Emma thought “Taco Tuesday” was bad. ( @csjanuaryjoy submission)

Rating: M

Can also be read on AO3. 

The clock on her phone read 3:00 a.m., and Emma reasoned that if she went to be immediately, she could get fours hours of sleep before needing to wake and get to the station in time for an early morning meeting with Regina. She held her heels — “fuck me heels,” she had explained to Killian earlier that night — in her left hand in order to make as little noise as possible as she climbed up the stairs to the loft. Emma was almost a thirty-year-old woman, but she felt like a teenager as she attempted to sneak back into her home after a night out with her boyfriend. It wasn’t as if Emma was doing anything wrong. She wasn’t. She was nearly thirty, and she was entitled to spend the evening with her boyfriend doing whatever they wanted. She wasn’t shirking any responsibilities. She knew where Henry was ( Regina’s ) and had there been any crisis, Emma (and Killian, honestly), would have made themselves available. So, really, Emma shouldn’t feel weird about coming back home at 3:00 a.m. after spending much of the night pillaging and plundering with her pirate boyfriend.

She supposed this was another example of making up for lost time. For the most part, her various foster parents hadn’t truly cared about her whereabouts, and she had been barely seventeen when she decided to run away from the system and blaze her own trails. She didn’t have the doting mother who took photos before herr a date, the overprotective father to give her boyfriend an unnecessary lecture, and family meals were all too rare. Emma cherished these moments, the ones she wished so fervently for as a child that were granted much too late. And, it was nice most of the time. This was not one of those times.

Keep reading

[lenfazreads]

CSJJ Day 11: you are not on my list

Emma has a list of things she wants to do with her boyfriend 2017. Now she only has 11 days left and after breaking off with Walsh she has no hope of finishing it by herself in time. But her best friend, Killian, has other plans.

So, finally I finished my CSJJ story 2018 - I want to thank @lenfaz for doing the @csjanuaryjoy this year and I hope you all will enjoy this little story. Also, thank you, @hookedonapirate for beta reading my story but not only for that but helping me push through it ❤️  - I never struggled to write anything as much as this time and she helped me with her patience and kind words and thank you, @resident-of-storybrooke for the title and, well, listening 😘 I was supposed to write the prompt “Emma and Killian are leaders of opposing teams in Storybrook’s Annual Citywide Snowball Fight” - I was already halfway through it but it didn’t feel right so I created this fluffy one shot 

Every time Emma went into her kitchen she passed it, saw it and felt bad about it. Her eyes wandered on their own accord, searching for the yellow legal paper with the list she’d made about a year ago. A list of things she wanted to accomplish this year - places to visit, activities to attend and shows to see. She had seen such a list at Mary Margaret’s house; her sister was always the most creative person she knew. How hard could such a list be for a couple when Mary Margaret did it for a four-person household? Well, it seemed to be harder than she thought.

All twelve choices on Walsh’s list were already fulfilled, but six things on her list were uncompleted, and she had no chance to do them in the next few days. Eleven days remained in the year - eleven days to complete her list. But she had hoped to do it with Walsh, instead of by herself, but they’d ended their relationship three weeks ago. Emma had finally realised that she had no future with him (maybe catching him with his boss, Zelena, did the trick).

Emma had it all mapped out in her head; two activities per month, which was simple and not everything had to be done over a weekend or on a specific date. She knew it was wrong that she blamed Walsh and his lack of time and lack of interest in her activities for not completing her list. She should have done it all on her own or brought someone else but she didn’t want to make him feel bad for not being able to join her. Emma wasn’t sure why, but she let others dictate her life. She wanted to make everyone happy, but she’d always forget someone - herself.

Sighing, she sat at the kitchen counter with a steaming cup of coffee in her hands, looking out the window when suddenly the doorbell rang. Huffing in annoyance, she trudged to the door. Her surprise was evident on her face when she saw him standing in front of her house. He was wearing tight black jeans and a dark sweater-vest over a blue henley. She had to admit he looked pretty damn hot.

Shaking her head, she came back to her senses, blushing slightly when she realised she was staring a tad too long. “Killian? What are you doing here at this ungodly hour?” Confusion edged her voice as she tilted her head, leaning against the doorframe.

“Get dressed - warmly,” he replied with a smile. It was past eight o’clock, but he knew his best friend; he knew she wasn’t functioning before ten nor without coffee in her system. He didn’t say anything else; he was only staring, waiting for her to do what he asked.

Emma stepped back; who was she to deny her best friend such a request? She went into the kitchen as he followed, and she sat at the kitchen counter again, pressing her lips into a thin line while suppressing a smile when she saw the irritated expression on his face.

“Oh come on, Killian, I think you know me well enough to know I don’t function without a freshly brewed cup of coffee.”

He shook his head, looking at her sternly. “No time for coffee, Swan; get dressed! We have to leave the house in ten minutes.” When she didn’t move, he grew antsy, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “We have enough time for coffee on our way, so come on!”

“On our way where?”

“You will see if you get dressed. You have eight minutes and thirty seven seconds, love.”

Emma rolled her eyes, but this time hurried upstairs, changing into slim-fit blue jeans, a blue tank top, and a red turtleneck sweater. She let her hair fall over her back and was back in the kitchen seven minutes and fifty seconds later.

Beaming at her, Killian put his hand on the small of her back and led her towards his car. “Matching clothes?” he teased with a chuckled, and she blushed when realisation hit her.

Emma’s eyes lit up; she was staring out of the window with her nose literally pressed against it.

Was he really taking her where she thought he would?

When his car finally came to a halt, Emma turned her head slowly. A huge smile was plastered on her face, her eyes twinkling and her cheeks flushed.

“Killian! How- how did you know? Why are we here?” Emma stammered, which was something she only did when she was nervous.

“Well, Swan, there are eleven days left of the year and you still have six things to do on your list. And as your best friend, I thought we would do them together.”

If they weren’t in his cramped car she would have hugged him then and there. He was the best! She had absolutely no clue he was paying attention; he had never mentioned anything before.

“Killian, that’s-” they got out of the car, looking around in awe.

“Beautiful,” he finished, his eyes never leaving her.

She blushed involuntarily, not sure if he meant their surroundings or something else.

Killian gathered two pairs of ice skates, two sleds and a huge bag which he gave Emma to carry. With the bag in her hands, a beanie on her head and a scarf wrapped around her face, she followed Killian, her eyes sparkling. She was so happy and excited!

After five minutes they finally stood on a small hill; on one side was the parking lot and the woods, and on the other, she could see the small frozen lake.

Killian smiled at her. “Now you can cross two of the things from your list. How about we bring the ice skates and food down to the lake before we have some fun sledding down the hill?”

“How about combining both?” Emma asked excitedly, taking one sled and looking back briefly before pushing herself off and screaming in excitement while sledding down the hill. The huge bag in front of her was close from falling, but she paid it no attention. Enjoying the cold air against her cheeks, the snowflakes dancing around her and the happy feeling in her stomach, she yelled a happy “Woohoo!” and came to a halt. Looking over her shoulder she saw Killian half way down; he looked a bit frightened but also very excited. Placing the bag on a nearby bench. she waited for Killian, pulling out her phone and taking a picture of him.

“That was fun.” Killian laughed and placed the shoes next to the bag. “The last one on the hill has to carry the heavy stuff back to the car!” He yelled and dashed off with his sled. Emma opened her mouth in protest, took her sled and followed him quickly.

It was a head-to-head race; Killian won and threw his hands up in the air, making a silly dance as he beamed at her.

Slosh.

The snowball hit him directly in the face, Emma’s laugh echoing through the cold, crisp air. “Oi!” Killian stared at her in shock while Emma was laughing so hard she had to hold her belly.

Slosh.

Emma stopped abruptly, looking at Killian in surprise. “Just you wait, my friend!” she yelled, gathering some snow, forming a snowball and throwing it at him. Within seconds they were in a merciless snowball fight. Without any cover, there was only one possibility - attack!

She was already on top of him, had him tackled in a moment of inattention, her hand merely inches away from his face and full of snow.

“I surrender! I give up, you won. Parley!”

Emma rolled her eyes smiling. Killian loved to refer to himself as a pirate whenever he had the chance to. He had a ship, wore eyeliner, loved to sail, and Captain Hook from Peter Pan was his favourite villain. She was used to it. She kind of liked it, but she would never admit that. Smiling in triumph, Emma got rid of the snow in her hand, sitting up, straddling him absentmindedly. A mistake that was made evident when, in a smooth swift motion, he turned them over, pinning her hands above her head. “You should never trust a pirate, love.”

Her laugh died in her throat; she was looking into his eyes, his face and nose red from the cold, matching hers. His beanie was nearly off his head, and there was snow in his hair, on his beanie, scarf, and coat. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, his tongue wetting his lips absentmindedly. She felt his hot breath on her face and felt his weight press her deliciously into the cold snow. If only he would bend down and press his lips to hers. Emma gasped in irritation, her breath hitched and she pushed him off her, getting up, brushing the snow off her clothes. What was wrong with her? He was her best friend. She just ended another relationship. What happened that suddenly she saw him in that different light?

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, clearly missing something he just asked her. “Huh?” Her eyes snapped open, looking at him as he studied ed her in concern.

“I asked - are you alright, Swan?” He stepped closer, but Emma moved back and took her sled, trying to stay steady. She didn’t want to ruin the day because of some feelings finally bubbling up to the surface.

“Yeah,” she tried to brush it off casually, “but I’ll bet you won’t be able to win this race again.” With those words she was off the hill, rushing down at full speed, the cold air clearing her head immediately; she concentrated on nothing other than the feeling in her belly. She felt free, happy and relaxed - something she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Suddenly Emma felt a presence next to her and looked to her right; Killian was nearly kneeling on his sled, making himself smaller to be more aerodynamic.

“Surely not, buddy!” Emma yelled and steered her sled to her right.

“Careful, Emma!”

She only laughed when Killian tried to avoid her and nearly toppled over. This time Emma won, but when she saw Killian’s scowl, she sighed and apologised. “Couldn’t let you win again,” she said smiling.

“Well, at least you could let me live a bit longer. You could have killed me with that unfair maneuver,” he huffed in annoyance, but Emma simply rolled her eyes.

“Oh come on, who is always saying he is a survivor? And you proved it again; you didn’t even fall off your sled.”

“Well, what can I say? I’m a hell of a Captain, love,” Killian smirked at her, his hand bashfully scratching behind his ear. Emma bumped into him in a friendly way before she hurried back towards the top of the hill. “But you surely are the death of me,” Killian added silently, shaking his head when he followed her up.

For the next hours, they sled down the hill and ran up again, racing each other and starting at least two other snowball fights - both quick and dirty. Emma rubbed snow into his face or stuffed a hand full of snow into his coat while he remained a perfect gentleman. When their stomachs rumbled simultaneously, they decided to take a break.

Emma was sitting on the table with her legs crossed while Killian sat on a bench, his feet propped up on the table; he pointed at the sleds and the not yet used ice skates. “So, love, you can strike sledding and ice skating off your list,” Killian started when Emma interrupted him chewing on her sandwich. “And ‘attend a snowball fight’; don’t you forget that one.” She took another bite, looking at her best friend with glittering eyes.

“Aye, so we’ve done three things of your list; if we continue in the same style, we will be able to finish your list within the next few days.”

Emma’s face fell, and she shook her head, sighing. “Impossible. One thing is to attend a Red Sox game, but the season ended in October.” “Well,” Killian scratched behind his ear again - a clear sign of him being nervous.

Emma narrowed her eyes, waiting for him to go on. “Well, what, Killian?”

“Well, I wanted to give it to you in the car, but I may as well do it now.” He dug into the huge bag and grabbed a DVD, tossing it towards her. “I know it isn’t the same as being at a live game, but maybe we can have a friend’s night soon and watch the last game together? And uhm - I already bought us two tickets for next season. I hope-”

Emma couldn’t stop herself; she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his to silence him. It was merely a quick motion - something more or less meaningless. He didn’t have to know that her heart skipped a beat the moment their lips met; he also didn’t have to know that Emma was thinking about how soft his lips were, how much she longed to feel his lips and tongue everywhere on her or how much she longed to touch and kiss him everywhere and longed for him to touch her.

Before Emma could give in completely, she broke the kiss and pulled away, looking at him innocently and thanking him with a warm smile before taking the last bite of her sandwich.

He gazed at her as wrecked as she felt but she tried to ignore it. He was still her best friend - the only constant in her life, the one person she could never lose, her anchor, her soulmate and her everything. Shaking her head to get rid of those thoughts - since when was Emma Swan such a sentimental person? - she got up, finishing her drink and grabbing the skates that were next to Killian. “How about we test the ice? It’s been far too long since I did that.”

Killian nodded, grabbed his own skates and exchanged his boots, waiting until Emma was finally done. Stuffing everything back into the bag, he secured it under the sleds before taking her hand and leading her onto the ice.

There were already several other people on the ice; the frozen lake was quite popular, especially among families. Killian held her hand tightly, never letting go as he guided her safely around the other patrons. He waited patiently for her to adjust, watching her carefully without pressuring, and always gave her enough space to try on her own. The longer they skated, the more confident she became; at one point she was bold enough to dance around him, trying to skate backward until nearly falling down. Killian was quicker though, catching her, pulling her into his arms and locking eyes with her as he smiled. “If you want me to hold you, you just have to ask, love.” His innuendo made Emma roll her eyes, although her heart skipped a beat. He was so close, his body pressing against hers and both breathing the same air. With only a small motion, she could be kissing him again. Her gaze flickered between his eyes and lips, but before she could do anything he pushed her away gently, taking her hand again.

They skated until Emma couldn’t feel her toes anymore; their hands were still linked and the sun was already disappearing behind the hills, painting the sky with red and pink. They hurried back to the car, seeking warmth inside and smiling at each other. Emma wanted to say him thank you for the great day again but before she had a chance to open her mouth, Killian began to speak.

“Let me ask you out on a date, Emma,” Killian said, observing her with big eyes.

Emma’s jaw dropped; she opened and closed her mouth several times, not able to form any words.

“I know this must be coming out of the blue for you, but - well, not for me. I have been planning to ask you out for a long time now and I know you just broke things off with that monkey, but-”

“Okay,” Emma’s answer wasn’t more than a faint whisper, and it didn’t only surprise Killian but also herself.

“What?”

“You can take me out on a date, Killian.” She was now beaming at him too; to be honest, she never felt happier in her life until Killian suddenly closed the gap between them and kissed her softly. Emma didn’t feel cold anymore - her body was radiating heat - and without noticing, she deepened the kiss, her fingers finding his hair and pulling him even closer. Tilting her head, she opened up for him, giving in completely, their tongues colliding and tasting each other, making her skin tingle.

When they broke the kiss, they gasped for air, staring into each other’s eyes; hope, happiness, and love shined through. Killian brought her home, both kissing each other again in front of her house before he promised her to pick her up the next day at seven.

Two days later, Emma’s list lay in between a pile of clothes; each one of the things to do had a box next to it, each one marked off, signifying her list was completed. The room was filled with laughter and cheers and bathed in a soft white glow from the television as Killian gently rubbed Emma’s bare upper arm. Her head laid on his chest, completely enchanted by the game on screen.

He smiled at Emma and placed a kiss on her hair before taking a piece of paper from her nightstand and going through it once again.  Thinking of the latest events and the upcoming year, he smiled happily, feeling content and excited.

Emma shifted a bit, looking at Killian with big eyes. The list forgotten, he pulled her closer, absentmindedly releasing the piece of paper from his hand and letting it land on the floor next to Emma’s list, revealing its contents as he kissed her sweetly on the lips… Killian’s and Emma’s list of things to do 2018

[lenfazreads]

CSJJ day 10: you and the moon and neptune

the arrival of a new person into storybrooke throws the town for a loop. it’d throw killian for a loop, too, if he didn’t have this stupid headache latched onto him. if only magic existed in this world. (oh, the things he doesn’t know.)

my late, super late day addition to the @csjanuaryjoy! i’m so so glad to be able to participate in this again, because it’s one of the best ways to start off the year! special thanks to @lenfaz for taking the helm of planning this year, and a special thanks to two of my lovely squad members @outlaw-queen and @demisexualemmaswan for being my sounding boards and for the face clutches that made me smile! now, i leave you with this. please, enjoy!

+++

It starts, as many things do, with magic—the magic between two souls finding one another, trying against all odds to stay together, and the magic of a dark course threatening to pull them apart.

“Say your goodbyes,” was all that was whispered around the palace.

So the princess did, despite the hope that lived within her parents—and all those that sat around the table—that all would be won and goodbyes wouldn’t be necessary.

She snuck out of the castle amidst the dead of night and snuck aboard a ship docked in their town filled with pirates following a captain considered to be the biggest scourge of all the seas.

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[lenfazreads]

My Manaconda brings all the fans to the yard

So, as you might know, some of us decided to read together this wonderful piece of literary art called Manaconda.

I don’t know who found the book originally-.- yeah, as if you’ve ever believed that one.

Here’s my take on Manaconda (under the cut for spoilers) 

The pain is real for Hunter *Manaconda* Jordan. He has it all: a successful band with a killer new album, a killer body, good looks and a great brother (we will come back to the brother, several times.) But yet, all goes down the drain when Rolling Stone decides to put him in the cover shirtless and with the caption of Manaconda on top of the bulge of his jeans.

Sales skyrocket, fans go crazy, and poor Hunter only wants people to see him for more than his large toolset.

Like I said, the pain is real for our hero. We have branded a term for this pain: cock angst.

Now queue in Kennedy McManus, go walks into the hotel where the band (Hammered, for crying out loud, there is no subtlety in here) is presenting it album. She walks in with high heel shoes, professional attire and an iPad with a pink case, all ready for business because Kennedy here is a career woman. Oh yes, all career, no fun for Kennedy. The only interest she has in Manaconda is how she can milk that buzz for all that is worth PR wise. She’s a PR Princess on a mission as she owns a favor to the owner of the record label, a guy that can totes make and break your career with just not naming you again. So yes, Kennedy needs to be in her A game in here, and she is as she checks social media accounts while doing a power walk and having everything under control as she finds the band manager, a woman by the name of Indie (Indie is a terrible manager, btw, but we will get to that later)

At this point we’re introduced to the rest of the band, whose names I can’t remember other than Keys (the only chick in the band) and Bats (who’s crazy as fuck, and we will go back to him over and over again). Then I think there was Wyatt, and an Irish guy… bc there is always an Irish guy (according to @winterbythesea ). Then I think there were two more, but they didn’t do nothing to be remembered… sadly, they had failed to stand out of the shadows of the manaconda long enough to grant them page-time (or their own book).

Now Kennedy has her first major task. Hunter has gone missing and she has to go fish him out of the kitchen where he’s cooking with his pal Tristan (we like Tristan, and we picture him as a cooler version of Chad Michael Murray in Gilmore Girls, as he defied his family and moved to LA to become a cool chef with blue hair.)

It all goes downhill from here. In a matter of 15 minutes between meeting him as he’s finishing putting together a bowl of pasta and the trek back to the stage Kennedy “I’m too professional so don’t call me Kenny, Mr Jordan” ends up making out in a dark corridor with the actual man of the hour after some really weird pasta eating that is supposed to be sensual but it only came out as someone had cut too many carbs out of her diet.

Of course, they get caught by a huge crowd. There are pics, social media posts and all that jazz. OF COURSE.

First plot twist: Kennedy doesn’t get fired on the spot. She actually stays for the show and doesn’t even get reprimanded by big tycoon that is supposed to be a hard ass career maker or breaker.

Sure, Jan.

Second plot twist: She kisses him again during the press conference because they are asking him about Bats hanging out with his ex-fiancee Victoria and poor Hunter is not reacting well.

She doesn’t get fired either. Actually, the suits decide she and Hunter now have to be a fake couple (fake dating!).

You can all imagine how they ended up that night… in his room. Yes, eventually. Before that there was some action on the back of a truck that was large enough for Kenny to pace (yes, I’m calling her Kenny from now on. Much like Hunter)

I’m going to stop in here and start with some bullet points because I think you get the idea.

The smut was subpar… he uses a rosary and she’s thinking more of that than what is happening in the bad. It’s a rosary, he uses it as a necklace, move on. We don’t care about the worn out walnut beads or the details of the crucifix… really, no.

He gives her six orgasms in one night. Manaconda can deliver. Point for Hunter.

Then he takes her to a breakfast buffet and tells her they had good coffee there. I have to put a stop in here. I can deal with unrealistic smut but this is too much. No breakfast buffet has decent coffee. Not unless they have a state of the art espresso machine and a well-trained barista. Let’s not lie to the people like that

The book is told in alternating first person PoV and it’s co-written. You can tell the difference in styles and it kind of makes sense if we think there are two different people, but is a rollercoaster.

The brother shows up. I’m immediately drawn to Liam Noah. His description only fuels for me to like him more. His first words to Kennedy make me want to go down on him on the spot.

Hunter and Kenny are a hot mess… they fuck and then they fight because he wants more and yet cannot deal with Bats maybe dating his ex (intro backstory drama of the cheating ex)

Kenny refuses to come second to anyone (intro backstory of her father having another family and her being a cast off) and that is why she’s a career woman, so she doesn’t end up crying over a man like her momma,

Hunter volunteers for a charity that helps people adopt dogs. He had several. Hunter is ready to settle down and he wants Kenny to play home with him and the dogs. Kenny is still figuring out how to get out of the tight professional clothes she wears

Kenny has an assistant called Carter. Carter wants to have a threesome with his girlfriend Felicity and Hunter’s brother bc Noah is that hot. I love Carter. Me too, Carter, me too.

Hunter and Bats engage in not one, but two fights in the span of three days and both times they end up with the cops. Funny enough Kennedy “you can’t call me Kenny but here’s my cop friend Remy who’s totally into me and let him call me Ken and I hug him” pulls some strings to get him off the hook. Him, not poor Bats who’s never given the chance to tell his side of the story. Neither does Vic, tho. She’s been labeled the bitch villain of the book.

Hunter then realizes he has to fight for Kenny, bc Noah makes him realize what is important after telling him he’s a good for nothing. I really don't understand why this book is not about Noah. He’d be a lot more fun than Hunter. He probably has the same equipment and none of the cock angst.

Hunter convinces Carter to let him into Kenny’s place and gets Tristan to cook for her. I like Tristan, he can slice vegetables while flirting… somehow Kenny still only has eyes for the Manaconda.

We gotta give props to Hunter for romancing the hell out of Kenny with pictures he takes while on tour framed in glass and little notes underneath, lovely texts and a plain old move out of Say Anything that almost bumped him with Noah’s on top of the list. Almost. Like I said, Noah still wins. A lot less baggage and a lot more game if you ask me (he works security and is an ex-Army. Go Noah. Come to mamma)

The words cock and dick are used as interchangeable... this is not good. is either one or the other... and it should be cock. I can’t with dick... it is used as an insult;  so if a dick is an idiot, a dick cannot be a wonderful specimen of a male organ

You know your novel has a problem when people are more engaged with your secondary characters than your main ones. That is not a bad thing per se if you are laying out the ground for the series (These things are always a series) but sadly, there are no books planned for Noah, Tristan or Bats. Next books are about Keys, Wyatt and Irish Guy.

Kennedy has a weird fixation on wood. The rosary makes another appearance.

“Pound” is used several times in the book, so much that I want to have a drinking game over it.

I still want to know what the fuck is going on with Bats and Vic.

Noah needs his own book.

All in all, at the end of the day, Hunter Jordan was just a guy with a huge bulge on his pants and a pack of adopted dogs, standing in front of a girl career woman, asking her to love him (and not just his manaconda).

[lenfazreads]

:insert incoherent noises: I all but devoured this last night and I still have no words--- the fact that you used Carry On all but did me in. thank you for continuing this fic

Guitars and Scarred Hearts, Chapter 7/?

A CS Rockstar AU Rated: Explicit Also on Ao3

You know that gif of the old lady from Titanic saying, “It’s been 84 years?” I feel that on a spiritual level. Much love and thanks to those who were excited to see an update last night. xoxo

Emma slipped into the bar an hour before its two o’clock closing. Despite the lateness, it was packed; word of Killian Jones playing local haunts after a few years out of the spotlight had gotten around in the month since a single rose, a note and a sobriety chip had shown up at her office late at night. It hadn’t taken much detective work or any significant stretch of time on her part to figure out what he was doing and where. Two days after her birthday, Emma knew where to find him.

What had taken time was growing some balls.

She didn’t know what to expect going into the bar. Actually, that wasn’t entirely accurate. She thought she knew what to expect; a shock of purple hair, eyeliner, some sass and more sex than she honestly knew what to do with but fuck, she’d still try. A brunette on each arm, a half-empty bottle of rum in whichever hand wasn’t wildly gesticulating as he held court at a VIP table – if they even had those in dive bars - surrounded by groupies.

What Emma wasn’t prepared for was being almost unable to find Killian in the crowd because it wasn’t surrounding him. Her eyes raked over screaming bachelorette parties, dudebros playing darts while loudly pronouncing the superiority of their own home-brewed IPA over the bar’s draft beer, and a few barflies ignoring it all on their stools. One barfly, when he raked his beanie off and ran a hand through his hair, suddenly transformed into the Killian Jones she’d known in high school and her breath caught.

The purple hair was gone and so was the eyeliner. Instead of flashy leather and copious amounts of man titty on display, he was wearing a plaid shirt with a depressingly modest amount of chest hair peeking out of a V-neck tee shirt she was sure she’d seen more than a decade before. Definitely more starving artist than world-renowned, multi-millionaire rock star and she briefly wondered if his tailspin back into drugs had taken his wealth and privilege with it.

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