lenoryt13

[lenoryt13]

Bruce, holding Jason by the back of his hoddie like a stray cat: Hello, Dick. Guess what I have.

Dick, done: A sad looking child?

Jason, frowning: A kidnapee?

Bruce: It's Robin 2

Dick, Very Done: W h a t

-

Dick, holding Tim close like a wet cat he found on the street: Hey B, guess what I have?

Bruce: ...

Bruce: A sad looking child?

Tim: Robin 3?? :D

Dick: It's the neightbor's child neglect case

Bruce: * pinches the bridge of his nose *

Bruce, Tired: W h a t

[lenoryt13]

The Batcave has a “Do Not Talk To Me” couch. It’s sacred. It’s unspoken. It’s real.

okay so. picture this:

the batcave has one couch. it's in the corner. it’s hideous. it’s like beige or green or something equally offensive to every one of their aesthetics. no one likes the couch.

and that is exactly why it became sacred.

because one night jason just. drops onto it. full gear. bleeding. absolutely done with life. says nothing. doesn’t even take off the helmet. sits there in silence for 3 hours and then leaves.

next week tim uses it. sits there post-mission. face in hands. someone tries to ask if he’s okay and jason throws a batarang at them.

and thus it began.

Rules of the Do Not Talk To Me Couch:

You sit there? No one speaks to you.

You cry? No you didn’t.

You eat cold noodles off your chest at 4 a.m.? That’s sacred time.

If someone tries to comfort you? They are excommunicated for 12 hours.

Dick (sitting on the couch):

Damian: Grayson, are you—

Jason (from across the cave): HE’S ON THE COUCH.

Jason: I don’t make the rules.

Steph: You LITERALLY made the rules.

Jason: And I am the defender of the rules. There’s a difference.

one time damian storms in. covered in blood. absolutely furious. 10/10 rage goblin energy. throws his sword. marches to the couch. sits. arms crossed. steaming.

tim takes one look at him and goes: “i’m making tea.���

jason: “that’s acceptable. tea is allowed. talking is not.”

bonus:

once bruce sits on it.

and the ENTIRE CAVE goes silent.

tim literally freezes mid-typing. cass stops mid-flip. jason just mutters “oh shit.”

they all leave. immediately.

the couch is not ready for bruce.

extra bonus:

alfred vacuums around the couch. never says a word. leaves snacks in a silent offering. once placed a weighted blanket gently on jason’s shoulder. that’s different. he’s allowed.

[lenoryt13]

Dick : I'm divorcing you

Barb : ...I didn't know we were married?

Dick : we aren't. I'm just trying to play out a drama. Feels right..at my age I should be going through something like this.

Barb :..uh..alright? I'm taking half of evreything.

Dick :..shit..wait I'm getting a lawyer. DUKE BE MY LAWYER

Duke : uhhh okay, what do you want to keep??

Dick : my apartment! Oh and all of my suits!

Barb : hmmm fine. I however, want a bit of his real estate, and-

Dick : OH AND I WANT CUSTODY!

Barb :....

Duke :....

Barb : ..of who?..

Dick : jason and damian. I'm keeping them.

Jason & damian entering the room,

Jason : what.

Damian : since when are you our father, grayson.

Barb : fine, take them, I want visiting rights with jason tho.

Jason : I'm 19?! There's no custody over me-

Damian : should we be concerned?!

Dick : I want full custody!-

Duke : let's calm down

barb : ILL BE MY OWN LAWYER, AND I DEMANDS FULL CUSTODY ASWELL!

Bruce : ...I thought these were my kids..and since when are Barbara and dick married..? And why are they divorcing...?

Cass, just as confused as bruce, meanwhiles steph films this to sent it to evreyone.

It came to a 50/50 custody agreement.

The only ones who didn't agree? Damian and jason.

[lenoryt13]

Bruce (after catching Tim drink alcohol): You’re grounded!

Tim: like that’s ever stopped me from drinking.

Bruce: How many times have you-?

Tim: I’m Bruce Wayne’s adopted son and forced to go to a different boring Gala and Ball every week. You think I willingly do that sober?

Bruce: who the hell is providing a 17 year old alcohol?!

Tim: Alfred.

Bruce: …of course he is. I mean, I’d expect this behavior from Jason, but you?

Jason: yeah, for some reason I skipped the whole “teenage drinking” phase. A mystery as to why really…

Bruce: shut up.

[lenoryt13]

Bruce Wayne as a dad, but he doesn't try to reprimand his kids, he just acts like everything is his 13th reason:

"Jason, if you throw that guy off the cliff, i am also jumping off after him."

"Dick, if you don't get down from there, I will stand under the chandelier when it falls down."

"Damian, if you cut that head off, i will walk into your sword."

[lenoryt13]

The true reason why the Joker killed Jason wasn't because he wanted to hurt Batman or anything, it was because One Time, after Joker was caught and was being dragged away, Jason made Bruce laugh So Hard that he had to use Jim Gordon as someone to lean on, that people Genuinely Thought that he had been dosed with Joker Venom until he calmed down

But nope, just a really good joke

And from that day on, The Joker hated the second Robin with a passion

[lenoryt13]

THEY! *🥰*

[lenoryt13]

The Batfam doesn't realize they got pretty privilege.

Like sure, they know they're attractive because duh, they're basically celebrities, their looks is all people talk about. But the small stuff? The opened doors, the free gifts, the extra smiles and good attitude? That, they're completely clueless to.

It doesn't help that it happens to all of them and most their friends, so nobody notices it's out of the ordinary.

Clark goes "The lady at the cafeteria gifted me this cake" and Bruce is like "Oh yeah, she does that"... She doesn't.

Kory gets offered to cut in line to the front at a concert and tells Dick "People here are so nice!", and instead of noticing the favoritism, Dick holds out three STAFF passes and goes "I know right! Look that lady over there is going to take us backstage!", and they laugh while Wally's eye twiches.

Tim goes undercover wearing cheap loose clothes, contacts and a fake nose, and people are just so mean to him, like no manners at all. They bump into him, ignore him, he says 'Good morning' to an old lady, and she doesn't even say it back! ... He comes back ranting about rude people and what not. And Jason is like "Really? But they're so nice in that neighborhood, that old lady is always giving me candy!". Barbara doesn't know how to tell them the nose simply made Tim look average for once.

Damian. Hits. It. Off. At the pediatric unit of the hospital he's volunteering at. Kids love him, and he thinks it's because Jon was right about the 'Always greet them with a smile' thing, but in reality it's because half the kids got a puppy-love crush on him. Jon, just as oblivious is like "Told you sooo".

Stephanie thinks it's the good karma. She gets a whole ass perfume bottle for free at the mall and is like "See Cass? It's that robbery we stopped last week, the universe is giving it back". Cass, with a perfume of her own, knows better but nods anyway.

Duke thinks they're all dumb and unaware, and he's making fun of them when Alfred goes "And I suppose you think Miss Carrington has saved you a seat at the bus for the last three weeks just because". Duke doesn't say anything after that.

[lenoryt13]

The Batkids doing that "Suspect" tiktok trend where they take turns filming each other running and say increasingly personal and deranged shit to make each other laugh.

Spoiler, recording Red Robin: *in a confused voice* Suspect listens to Green Day and Enya, like my guy pick a struggle

Nightwing, recording Red Hood: Suspect died once and made it his entire personality

Red Hood, recording Robin: Suspect has a superiority complex that is way too big for someone his size

Robin, recording Nightwing: Suspect has been engaged at least twice and married never

Red Robin, recording Spoiler: Suspect thinks assaulting people with bricks is a legitimate flirting strategy (Spoiler: It worked on you!)

Signal, who came out at night solely for this, recording Red Robin: Suspect can't come up with an original name and keeps stealing everyone else's

Red Hood, recording Nightwing: Suspect is actually a huge asshole but hides it behind that cheerful demeanor so everyone thinks I'm lying about it

Robin, recording Red Hood: I'm going to let the Suspect keep running because he needs the exercise

Signal, recording Red Hood: Suspect acts tough but has read every Jane Austen novel at least six times

[lenoryt13]

i just know Jason must have been having Ra’s STRESSED in the league. his daughter dips a Wayne kid in the Lazarus pit and then trains him to the point where he becomes worthy of the fucking all-blades, and then he just is??? chilling in Nanda Parbat for a while??? wandering Ra’s base and loudly planning his scheme to manipulate his adoptive father into killing some circus clown???? there’s no way that Jason didn’t have Ra’s blood pressure through the roof. in british terms, Ra’s was Prince Philip and Jason had a bottle of sprite.

Ra’s: what do you WANT, Jason?

Jason, having just burst into Ra’s chambers holding a plate of toast: THERE you are, finally. i just needed to be in your presence to do this

Jason: *summons the all-blades*

Ra’s: WH-

Jason: cool it; not gonna stab you. just needed pure evil around so i can butter my toast.

Ra’s:

Ra’s, subtly cancelling the four bodyguards he’d just summoned: …mhm.

Jason, mouth full: anyway, you’re old,

Ra’s: …

Jason: been around a while, huh? what’s the most annoying torture you’ve ever seen or experienced?

Jason: because there’s that new Robin i need to make regret taking my place, and i’m trying to be creative about it. so? most annoying torture?

Ra’s: i have a feeling your intrusion on his life will do just fine.

Jason: aw, so supportive. thanks evil-grandpa.

Ra’s: get out of my room.

Jason: gEt OuT oF My RoOm- hey do we have any spare dynamite? i wanna put a bomb on my helmet

Ra’s: *groaning loudly*

[lenoryt13]

Jason: hey is it me or my room looks off?

Dick: hmmm probably Damian and Bruce arguing about it again and moving the furniture.

Jason: arguing about my room? Again?

Dick: yeah every few weeks Damian wants to move into your bedroom and Bruce wants it to stay exactly the same as it was when you lived here.

Jason: but wh-

*CRASH*

Bruce: DAMIAN GIVE ME THIS CHAIR RIGHT NOW!

Damian: I WANT THE ROOM!

Bruce: YOU ALREADY HAVE A BEDROOM.

Damian: THAT IS THE BIGGEST BEDROOM IN THE HOUSE AND I WANT IT!

Bruce: GIVE ME THE CHAIR!

Damian: HE DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE ANYMORE!

Bruce: I DON'T CARE!

[lenoryt13]

Red Hoods goons are panicking, petrified even

Scarecrow decided to show up in the Crime Alley, there was a confrontation, Red Hood got aggressive and, well

Somehow the fear gas got under Red Hoods helmet causing him to inhale it

And now their boss was shaking on the ground, almost completely unresponsive, and worst of all

He was calling his mom

"mama, mama" it was a rather sad, pathetic sight but the goons were smart enough to not say it out loud

They didn't know if their boss' mom was even alive in the first place not to mention where she was

As they were panicking they noticed in the corner of their eyes the Batman standing near them

The goons started to gear up, ready to protect their boss from the bat

Only for Red Hood to get up, walk over to the Bat and hug him burying his face in his shoulder

"Red?" The bat was just as confused as the goons, but Red Hood only hugged him tighter and continued shaking

"mama, mama"

The goons could see the bats eyes soften and gently hug Red Hood back

The goons just stood there in shock but snapped back when the bats eyes travelled to them and regained their usual coldness

"your Boss will be alright, you can go" he commanded them, his hands not stopping the soothing motions on Red Hoods back

The goons contemplated leaving their boss with Batman but eventually decided to leave

Seems like mothers love doesn't fade, even when you're a crime lord

[lenoryt13]

I feel like the Batfam should have more of that canon event where the elder sibling is mistaken for the parent of the younger sibling. Yes. This is a thing.

—

Tim at bat burger with Bernard and Dami after school: Uh, yeah, three fries, two jokerized,

Damian, fixing his backpack strap:

Bernard, holding his free hand: And a ten piece of the Night-wings.

Tim: That, and a Bat burger, no ketchup, extra onions, uh... Dami, what do you want?

Damian: . . .

Tim, sighing and leaning down:

Damian, whispering in his ear:

Tim, standing back up: The Ivy salad with Harlequin dressing, thanks.

Cashier: Aaalright, it'll be ready shortly... And can I just say you're such good Father's? ^^

Bernard:

Tim:

Bernard: Thank you—

—

Stephanie, who thought it a good idea to take Damian to a park:

Damian: BROWN! THAT CRETIN THREW SAND IN MY EYES!

Stephanie: Cretin..? Alright, alright, c'mere. Just gotta put some water in 'em.

Random Mom: Aw, you're such a good Mom!

Stephanie, who gave her baby up for adoption last she checked: Thanks..?

—

Jason, arguing with Tim during patrol:

Tim, storming off, middle finger raised:

Random goon: Teenagers, amiright?

Jason, who's nineteen:

Goon: Don't worry, boss. You're doin' good with 'im.

Jason: ???

Jason: Damn right I am!

—

Cassandra, out shopping with Duke: You'd look good with braids.

Duke: You think? I dunno, I'm messin' 'round with hairstyles.

Cashier: Aw, are you his Mom? That's so adorable, I wish my boys took my out shopping.

Cass:

Duke:

Cass: Be nice—

Duke: I am! I am...

—

Dick, picking Damian up from school: Dami!

One of Damian's friends: Oh, Damian! Is this your Dad?

Dick: What?

Damian, no hesitation: One of many.

—

BONUS

Random aristocrat: And these must be your brothers and sister!

Bruce:

Dick:

Jason:

Tim:

Damian:

Duke:

Cassandra:

Bruce, actually hurt: These are my children :(

Dick: It's okay, B—

Duke: Foster child. I'm his— was his foster child. I have parents. I live with my cousin now. Please, he's not my Dad—

Tim: I would literally die if I was Bruce's brother.

Jason: I would literally die if I was Bruce's son.

Cassandra: Jason, stop or I will lobotomize you. That's not above my morals.

Damian: Nor mine.

Bruce: I adopted five of them, I have papers! I got to put my last name on them and everything, here let me get their birth certificates, I have those—

Jason: Bruce, no, I will pull out my death certificate!

Bruce: That also has our last name on it, that's fine—

Damian: Father, no, I have three separate birth certificates from being born and adopted twice!

Jason: Same.

—

[lenoryt13]

Bruce: I haven't seen any of the boys for fifteen minutes now.

*Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside, and only the top of Damian’s head visible in the backseat, is seen rolling down a driveway. With Dick, Jason, Tim, and Duke running after it in a panic.*

*Bruce doesn't look outside at all.*

Bruce: That probably means they're getting into trouble.

[lenoryt13]

The Batkids play a game called “Guess Who Bruce Is Disappointed In Today” and it is a bloodsport.

It started as a joke. It is no longer a joke.

Every morning, without fail, one of them walks into the kitchen and says:

“Guess who Bruce is disappointed in today?”

And they all take turns guessing based on crime alerts, nightly patrol rotations, and vibes.

It’s become a system.

It went like:

Jason: “I knocked out a senator by accident. My odds are high.”

Tim: “I drank seventeen Red Bulls and fell asleep on top of the Batcomputer.”

Damian: “I released three bats into Gotham General Hospital as enrichment. They were bored.”

Steph: “I called him ‘Brucie’ in front of a senator.”

Cass: Just raises a finger and shrugs.

Then Bruce walks in, dead silent, pours his coffee, looks at no one, and walks away.

Tim: “It’s Jason.”

Jason: “DAMN IT.

Rules:

If you guess wrong, you have to do patrol with Damian and listen to him rant about the superiority of traditional swordsmanship for two hours.

If you guess right, you get to choose the movie on family movie night.

If Bruce is disappointed in himself, everyone gets ice cream. That’s the law.

It got so serious they made a whiteboard. Labeled it: “DISAPPOINTMENT LEADERBOARD.”

Top scores:

Tim (17 correct guesses, possible mind reader)

Cass (14, reads vibes better than Google Translate reads Latin)

Steph (11, mostly via chaos intuition)

Jason (2. constantly thinks it’s him. It often is. But not always.)

Damian (0. refuses to acknowledge he is ever the cause)

One time Dick guessed correctly for the first time in 3 months and everyone clapped.

He cried.

Alt. Version: Guess Who Bruce Is Proud Of Today.

Game cancelled due to lack of data.

[lenoryt13]

AU where Tim dresses up as Ra's and the whole league thinks it's Ra's possessing him and by the time Ra's realises he hasn't seen anyone in days Tim already has the assassins on his payroll

:)

[lenoryt13]

bat boys + their respective rooms

thanks to @kiherb for the cleanup and lineart!

(edit: redesigned Tim's room)