lethvll
we accept the love we think we deserve
The angels won’t help you
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I bought you that CD that we talked about... Raised by Swans.
Thanks.
What?
I... I downloaded all their albums already.
But you didn't download the case or the artwork...
or the CD that you can keep forever and hold in your hands.
I hate the Internet.
Nothing is private.
Nothing is real.
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I may think of you softly from time to time, but I swear I'll cut my hands off if they ever reach out for you again.
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evolution
Found this note from June 9th. 2018 (3:11 a.m.) that I wrote. It's interesting to see how these relationships, including the one I had with myself, has evolved in that timeframe. Some things in this feel familiar and relevant now, others not so much:
Want to delete it from my phone so I'm posting it here:
I’m sad. I’m really sad. And I don’t see a future for me anymore. I haven’t been the same since the accident, or maybe before that. I’m angry, I’m bitter, I’m irritable and I’m sad. Sometimes I want to push everyone away, I don’t want to deal with social drama especially. I don’t want to deal with Mitchell’s emotional turmoil and him making me feel worse than normal with his strange approach to loving me or not loving me or whatever it is he does. I don’t want to listen to him say ew to my ostomy bag, it makes me feel sad and makes me change my thoughts towards the kind of person he is. I don’t want to deal with him telling me I’m overly sensitive and make my emotions seem not valid. I don’t know what happened, but he was there for me through it all for awhile and then a switch flipped. I think he hates me. Or he wants to hate me. I wonder if he was only ever there for me because he had feelings for me, and now his approach has changed because he hates me now. Why can’t he just be here for me as my friend? I want him to be here for me as my friend. He’s my best friend. If I hurt him somehow for not loving him the way he wanted, I can’t apologize for that. Nobody’s entitled to my love. But I just want my friend. We’re all different now though, I guess. It’s been a weird year.
I tell Logan everything, he’s the only one who knows how much I’m hurting, I think. He knows when I’m up at night and I have breakdowns because I tell him. Some detail, but not a full explanation,And he doesn’t act on it, but he has his moments where he shows his care and I think he knows how I’m feeling better than he let’s on. I know sometimes he thinks I’m a nut, and he isn’t empathetic at all but he has his moments and I am appreciative of those moments.
I really need someone, but nobody’s understands. This has taken 8 months away from me, and so little has happened but nothing has at all. I don’t feel like me anymore, and I want to say I don’t want to die. But I just don’t see a path anymore. I don’t know what to do, I can’t really do anything. I just wait. I’m scared of any more complications and nobody knows what hell im trying to endure. And I can’t work on my social stuff, the drama with Mitchell and anyone else, I can’t because I’m too focused on my sadness and my anger and my fear and I don’t see my future so what’s the point in trying to show people my perspective when they’re too damn stubborn and caught up in their own emotions, too? I don’t want to hurt anyone. Especially my friends.
Lillie and Anna are the femininity I need, I’m not really close with anyone anymore. I’m probably closest with Logan in the sense that we talk everyday. But him and Mitchell mean the world to me. The absolute world. I don’t think I can be as close with anyone as I am with them, they’ve been with me through the roughest time of my life. Idk what Mitchell is going through with me, but all I can hope is it gets resolved. Idk. He doesn’t open up much. I don’t think I can do anything to help, I think he needs to work through it on his own. That’s been a huge concern to me since the accident, I don’t know, he’s my best friend idk what else to say, I don’t want our friendship to end but I feel like it will if whatever is going on doesn’t stop.
But. I don’t want to worry about that right now, I need to worry about healing. Idk if that’s alright with him. I think about where we stand a lot.
I only have a few people left.
I can barely even get words onto a notepad anymore. I’ve been saying so much to everyone but I feel like a broken record and I can’t really express what I’m feeling or not feeling.
I hate my life. I would hate myself but I don’t know who I am anymore. The only thing I know is I’m terrified.
I thought I’d stop being terrified after that night, but the fear has just increased. I’m so unstable. My emotions are a rollercoaster. I don’t know stability anymore. I don’t know anything anymore.
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