letmeopenup

[letmeopenup]

thirty

as i approach 30 this year, i can't help but look back on my 20s with a mix of gratitude, nostalgia, and maybe a little relief. it was a decade of firsts—first real job, first apartment, first heartbreak, and so many moments of figuring out who i am and what i want.

there were times i felt lost, overwhelmed by the pressure to have it all figured out. but those same moments taught me resilience, how to trust myself, and that it's okay not to have all the answers. i learned to appreciate the small victories, to forgive myself for mistakes, and to value the people who stayed by my side through all the highs and lows.

my 20s were messy and beautiful, full of lessons i didn’t know i needed. as i step into this next chapter, i feel more grounded, more sure of myself, and ready to keep growing. i don’t have it all figured out, and honestly, i’m okay with that.

[letmeopenup]

outgrowing

I had a great time at the bars with my friends tonight, but it also made me realize I’m starting to drift away from it all. It was fun, sure, but something about the whole thing just doesn’t click like it used to. Maybe it’s the way everything blurs together, but I’m starting to crave something more real, something that doesn’t fade as quickly. I think I’m ready for a change; something quieter, something that actually feels like me.

[letmeopenup]

the dawn's mockery

The birds are mocking me again, chirping like I asked for this. I stayed up too late, and now the sunrise feels like a punishment.

Their songs aren’t sweet, they’re sharp, relentless reminders: “Still here? Still awake?” Yeah, I get it. I lost.

[letmeopenup]

eight years

have passed since we last met, and today, spending the day with you felt like a missing piece falling into place, one I didn’t know was gone. my heart is full, beyond words, as your laughter and stories fill the gaps that time had left behind. there’s a comfort, a quiet joy in this reunion, a reminder of old bonds renewed.

no words can capture the depth of joy in having you back in my life. it feels like a long-lost enchantment returning, filling the spaces i didn’t know were empty. i am endlessly, impossibly blessed.

[letmeopenup]

Reconnect

Recently, I reconnected with one of my childhood best friends—someone I once shared sandbox days and the journey into adulthood with. She was the first person I ever came out to, someone I thought would always be a part of my life. Yet, after a brutal falling out, I spent the last eight years accepting that we’d never cross paths again. But in the past few days, we’ve been talking, and it’s genuinely been one of the best things to happen to me this year. The same thing happened last year with another friend I thought I’d never see or hear from again, and honestly, there’s nothing like that feeling. there’s truly nothing that compares to the joy of rekindling those relationships.

[letmeopenup]

deep down

i think I am weird and annoying and stupid and ugly and scary and unsettling and immature and deranged and mentally ill and a poser and boring and uninteresting and fat and freaky and transparent and untalented and bad at things and untalented and overrated

[letmeopenup]

easter 2024

i'm not religious but i didn't know what else to title this

today's easter and it's the first easter i've ever spent alone, which is a non-issue; i just find it interesting

i've been really well lately, i feel like i live a very flavorful life. i am very fulfilled and lucky

there's nothing I need ... which is a crazy thing to think about. i have it all

i am so happy!

[letmeopenup]

ive been having "health issues" lately that i won't get into

but i am worried

i am scared

what if I am dying and I don't know it?

[letmeopenup]

sometimes i miss my reckless and insane lifestyle because there was so much freedom attached to it, there was no fear of consequences whether i lived or died. now I have a car payment and rent due and an electricity bill. wtf happened

[letmeopenup]

obviously,

there are things in my life i would change and i wish could be different.

but if it means having the life that I have, i wouldn't change or wish for anything to be different.

[letmeopenup]

sometimes i worry

about people perceiving me as someone who "has it all" and is "lucky" and the truth is that it's true —

i have it all

i am so lucky

but i also deserve everything based on what i've accomplished.

it has become time for me.

[letmeopenup]

tomorrow

is going to be filled with so much love

[letmeopenup]

I appreciate my life in a way that most people don’t. I just didn’t know it would go by this fast

- edie britt from desperate housewives

[letmeopenup]

haha yikes wowzers

how long has it been?

seems to have been over a year lol wow

i'm doing great, by the way. i've accomplished more this year than I ever thought would be possible. i am very proud of myself :)

christmas is in a couple days, and i'm so excited to be able to spend it with my family. it is going to be a lot of fun. i love giving gifts

looking back on my old posts i'm honestly kind of shocked at how fucking unwell i was... it's funny too because back then I didn't think I was unwell at all. crazy how looking back on things can change your perspective lol

anyway, i think that's it.

oh by the way i got a cat, and his name is Jim. I've had him for almost a year :) he's the best, but is a handful.

[letmeopenup]

disclaimer: this is an old post from when I was emo.

(original title): I don’t care about your trauma

(original text): ive realized that i have a hard time connecting with people on deeper topics, and i can’t seem to empathize any deep emotion with them. i never talk about my personal problems to my friends, and i never open up. when people become vulnerable with me I wish they would stop. I don’t want to hear about it. I know that makes me sound like a bad person but I just ... I can’t comfort people even if I wanted to. I don’t know how to make you feel better. i grew up in a household with people who never talked about their feelings. I fear that I don’t have feelings sometimes, like I lack total empathy for others? but I’m not a sociopath i just have a hard time navigating other people’s pain and emotions. i’d rather just take a step back and not get involved.

but really, it’s all or nothing.

when I do try to empathize with people and their issues, I become *too* emotional and empathetic (not to sound like an annoying self-proclaimed “empath”) that it starts to ruin my psyche and my mindset, seriously. i can’t bear the weight of anyone else’s problems sometimes. your problems will literally ruin my week and I’ll cry nightly but I can’t let it go. I can’t separate my emotions from others. 

maybe it’s a coping mechanism i developed to completely shut off when people are vulnerable with me. I can’t let other peoples problems affect me. but they do, so I have to become a cold, heartless bitch. and i don’t like that. but I dislike it less than having my entire fucking week ruined

just remembered my moon sign is in gemini which is so funny because NO FUCKING SHIT god dammit lmfaooo i hate astrology but life alwayssss comes back to that shit lmfaooooo

[letmeopenup]

2022

this year has definitely been one of my favorite years of my life so far. things have fallen into place. i have so much less anxiety and i am actually thriving for once. i am deep into my passion whilst maintaining true friendships while also making new ones. i am very thankful for everything. and frankly, i’m very proud of myself for working so hard to get to this point.

[letmeopenup]

something new

i got a new job and its great!

i start “real” training in a week, but like

so far it’s great

it is the best job i will ever find in my area

and it pays really well

i may even be able to buy a house with this

im very grateful