letroadecjustice

[letroadecjustice]

It’s been awhile, my dear readers! But now that I’ve finished writing that big essay I was working on, I am BACK and just in time for the dance. So what are you waiting for? Go ahead and send that gossip my way, what’s a dance without a little trouble? 

[letroadecjustice]

FMK: Eros, Emmett, and Acacia.

Easy! Marry Eros, he seems like such a romantic. Fuck Acacia, because I like blondes. Kill Emmett, because he’s fucking annoying, like seriously, who wants to hear about how he schooled some professor for the rest of their lives? No, thank you. 

@eros-illiades @acaciabuchanan @emmettxclermont

[letroadecjustice]

FMK: Natalia, Dae, and Dan

Tough one! So I’m going to go ahead and said fuck Natalia, I feel like she’s into weird stuff, like if it’s not good at least I’d have a story to tell. Marry Dae, because he’s a sweetheart. Now, I don’t want to kill Dan but do I want to fuck him? No. Could I spend the rest of my life dealing with him? Also no. Tough luck. 

@nataliadeleon @daejungpark @dan-mercier

[letroadecjustice]

Since it is news to me that I have or have ever had one boyfriend, let alone boyfriends, plural, perhaps you might also let me know where I found the time for that.

See, Meredith, in my mind, you maintain a haram of freshman boys who are part scared of you part turned on by you, your ‘boyfriends’ if you will. So it’s less you find time for them, because they do all the grunt work that would’ve kept you busy otherwise. Do you follow my logic?

[letroadecjustice]

Rate the boys from most to least likely to have a secret homosexual agenda, go

Who are you, Senator McCarthy? I guess in order from most to least it would start with Eros, just because he has *gay energy*, and then Emmett, Dae, with Dan coming last, I feel like that one was obvious. Note, I am omitting Dr. K., because he is a man, unlike the rest of y’all twinks!

@eros-illiades @emmettxclermont @daejungpark @dan-mercier @drkoenig

[letroadecjustice]

who do you think is the kinkest in town?

I am 99.9% certain that Dr. K likes to get spit on sexually. Also, I have reason to believe that Meredith probably pegs her boyfriends. 

@drkoenig @meredith-la-magicienne

[letroadecjustice]

am I the only one who think that the tension between tillie and natalia is sexual in nature?

We’re running out of pairings to talk about with the freaky French class, aren’t we? They’re all going to be lesbians by the end of this! Including Dan.

@charbroussard @nataliadeleon

[letroadecjustice]

I am not a lesbian? And if I were Tillie isn't even my type.

You’re from Utah and you think you’re not a lesbian? Okay, carpetmuncher. 

(Also, saying Tillie isn’t your type does NOT help your “I’m not a lesbian” campaign)

[letroadecjustice]

A lesbian, a domestic terrorist, and second on the school rankings? None of this is true, and your credibility is nonexistent. I hope Dean Weinzapfel finds you and puts a stop to this once and for all.

Ms. Broussard, your insistence of your heterosexuality, lack of plans for domestic terrorism, and so-called intelligence only makes me think that all of my calls were right! Besides, your GPA was .01 lower than both Emmett and Meredith’s, this is your fault, not mine. Don’t go crying to Clarence because you’re scared. 

xoxo

P.S. Accusations of you committing domestic terrorism is the coolest you’re ever going to get. 

[letroadecjustice]

Acacia's so nice. Like, it almost makes me a little nervous how nice she is. Am I crazy?

No, you’re not crazy. This school is cutthroat, there’s a chance she’s planning on slipping poison into your morning coffee. Watch your back, dear reader.

@acaciabuchanan

[letroadecjustice]

They act like they can't stand each other, but I heard Tillie and Eve both love strawberry milkshakes. What does it mean???

I’ll tell you what that means - it means they are lesbians. Notice how those milkshakes are PINK. You know what else is pink? I won’t answer that question, for vulgarity purposes, but I’ll let you think about it. 

@charbroussard @evehansenn

[letroadecjustice]

cast students as members of the beatles

Like these people have talent? Alright. 

John Lennon: Natalia Paul McCartney: Acacia George Harrison: Eros Ringo Starr: Dae

@nataliadeleon @acaciabuchanan @eros-illiades @daejungpark

[letroadecjustice]

My dear readers, it is another glorious day, one meant for sending me drama. Seriously, I am going to start making things up if you don’t. 

[letroadecjustice]

“Justice Speaks,” vol. 5, issue 001

100 copies of this issue were left on the table in front of the library’s noticeboard Time: 6.20am

My dear readers, today I woke up late, at 6am. I had spent the entire evening finalizing our first issue of the semester. As my more dedicated readers may know, I have recently become concerned about the town lore, and thus this volume must reflect that. While I am quite certain about my research on the lore, there are bigger things at stake here, such as drama and gossip. So, let’s dive in. 

TOWN NEWS:

A protest against the Vietnam draft is scheduled to take place this Friday, September 18th at noon in Baker Hall’s courtyard. All attendees are encouraged to bring signs. This protest is organized by le Troadec’s Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC). 

This Saturday at 9pm, Topped Off is hosting a slam poetry evening. Entry is free and all participants get free coffee. Please go read your terrible haikus you wrote in your 100-level English course, I need a good laugh. 

The parks department would like to remind all students that swimming in the Bayou is prohibited and that you will get eaten by an alligator. Again, it would be great for me if you did the opposite of what they said. Don’t let them impede your free speech! It’s your right to get eaten by an alligator. 

GLOBAL NEWS:

The Beatles made waves last Friday by refusing to play in Alabama if their concert was segregated. As much as I hate the British, I would like to commend them for refusing to give into the South’s unbridled racism. That being said, they are scheduled to play TOMORROW in New Orleans and are coming from Cleveland, so there just might be a chance we’ll be seeing them driving through our own little town - keep an eye out. 

Last Tuesday, Walter Ulbricht, leader of East Germany, allowed for elderly East Germans to cross the border and visit relatives in West Germany. We can imagine this is nothing but good news for our own geriatric East German, Dr. Dominick König. 

Passed this summer, the Civil Rights Act finally went into effect for schools this past week, which had many opening their doors for the first time to an integrated student body. 

I would like to remind all students of voting age to register now, as the election is only two months away! Check in with the SNCC to learn how to do so, and don’t forget to vote LBJ. 

ACCORDING TO SOURCES:

While I cannot confirm these, I cannot deny them either. I just believe they are good enough to print, as always, if you’re mad about it, just put the newsletter down. It’s that easy. 

Meredith Locke is the first cousin of Nikita Khruschev, leader of the Soviet Union. 

How exactly did Dan Mercier get into le Troadec? Well, it wasn’t by test scores. His parents bought his way in. 

The university’s current dean, Clarence Weinzapfel, is a closeted homosexual. I would say power to him, but we all remember how he shut down the gay rights protest last year. 

Eros Illiades is a draft dodger; he submitted fake medical records in order to avoid being sent to Vietnam. 

Emmett Clermont regularly abuses tranquilizers and spent one year of his youth at a rehabilitation center in central Montana. 

Anyone notice how Charlotte Broussard wasn’t present in theology yesterday? That’s because she’s been booked on charges of conspiring to commit domestic terrorism. On top of that, she’s in a lesbian relationship with her roommate, Eve Hansen. 

Sister Carlene, head nun, used to be an exotic dancer in New Orleans. I can confirm this one, this rumor was submitted with photographs that I have omitted for feminist reasons.

Natalia de Leon is currently taking antibiotics for a yeast infection she gained from having sex in S.L.U.G. Better luck next time. 

and what I know all of you damn try hards with no lives have been waiting for...

UPPERCLASSMEN RANKINGS

Due to this being a new volume, I would like to let all new readers know that this is 100% accurate information, as I have an informant in the administration. 

Emmett Clermont, 3rd year Philosophy + Meredith Locke, 3rd year History (a tie!)

Charlotte Broussard, 3rd year PoliSci 

Jonathan Shimony, 4th year Engineering 

Acacia Buchanan, 4th year PoliSci 

and of course, closely following: Park Dae-Jung, Leonard Ramone, Natalia de Leon, Rue Pickens.

JUSTICE REPORTING

If you followed my paper over the summer, you will already be caught up with my research on the town’s mythos. However, if you’re a freshman or someone who isn’t a resident, you likely weren’t reading. So here’s my weeks update:

I still believe that the town legend of witches returning to walk the earth is based in fact. As I uncovered, witches truly were executed in Lucrece and there was a mysterious emigration among a large percentage of female residents immediately following. While I thought perhaps the day of reckoning would be in the future, I now believe that it is upon us right now. Has everyone else felt a shift in the air? Astrologically speaking, 1964 is not a good year for our town. Signs point to major upheaval. Perhaps this has to do with the Vietnam War, but reported sightings of spirits in the Bayou have gone up this summer. 

As the full moon on the 21st gets closer, I recommend everyone wear some piece of silver jewelry and avoid walking alone at night. 

AND LASTLY...

At the start of the term, I received a rather odd letter in my mailbox. It was the first direct interaction the administration has made with me, and I feel compelled to share its contents. 

To the writer and publisher of “Justice Speaks,” Your circus has gone on long enough. The university has endured five semesters worth of libel from your publication. Your remarks on the university’s administration as well as the United States government could constitute as treason. Your so-called dedication to “justice” and “truth” is anything but that! You regularly publish rumors without evidence, as well as the class ratings that we have no idea how you’ve obtained them. There is clearly crime at hand here and we, as a university, are urging you to quit before you get into real legal trouble. Should you continue publishing, we will uncover your identity, you will be expelled, and referred to the police. Sincerely, Dean Clarence Weinzapfel

Well, Clarence, it’s been five long semesters and you haven’t found me yet! Here’s my response: get bent. 

Have thoughts on the newsletter? Drop a note in my mailbox. 

[letroadecjustice]

which students do you expect will hook up first?

Hmm, probably Eros and Natalia, that one seems obvious, right? Part of me can kind of see Eve and Dan, though, is that weird? And then Emmett and Tillie seems natural, they’re both assholes and birds of a feather, you know. 

@eros-illiades @nataliadeleon @emmettxclermont @charbroussard @evehansenn @dan-mercier

[letroadecjustice]

not natalia and eros stealing my whole heart

I know! So cute! Too bad I love drama and hope it goes up in flames. 

@eros-illiades @nataliadeleon

[letroadecjustice]

I’m worried about Dae. He’s such a sweetheart.

Is this specific or just in general? In general, I would be worried too. He strikes me as the type to get eaten alive; we all know kindness is a weakness here at le Troadec, just ask everyone who dropped out last year. 

@daejungpark