lets-be-happy

[lets-be-happy]

09.16.2018

I miss love.

I miss the first moment where your eyes meet - the moment that feels as if the time stopped, and yet fleeing.

I miss looking into someone’s eyes deeply and having the world quiet down.

I miss having someone’s text giving me butterflies all day.

I miss the first touch - the moment that both of your hands touch that gives you goosebumps.

I miss craving someone’s presence - the warmth that makes you secure.

I miss waking up next to someone who makes me smile.

I miss feeling like someone’s smile brightening my entire world.

I miss someone looking at me as if I am the only thing that matters.

I miss someone holding me tight and never wanting to let go.

I miss falling in love, being in love, and being loved.

I miss love.

[lets-be-happy]

11.30.2017

Do you want to get away?

Fly with me far far away?

[lets-be-happy]

11.27.2017

After uncontrollably sobbing out loud to the point I am sure everyone on my floor heard me

After passing out for 12 hours completely blacked out

After experiencing a possibly mild overdose

I think I am finally ready to start my life again. :)

And I could tell myself finally that I will be fine.

[lets-be-happy]

11.26.2017

I wamt to get awau

I wsjt t0 geep uou

[lets-be-happy]

11.25.2017

Pursuit of happiness. 

I will be making a bucket list tomorrow that I will aim to accomplish in my life. 

Taking steps to find my true happiness.

Quarter life crisis perhaps? 

[lets-be-happy]

11.25.2017

Meeting new people. Getting out there. Sharing different ideas. Gaining brighter view. Feeling more secure.

Many of us are living in denial. Many of us live and act the way we do to avoid confronting the deepest and scariest truth that we want to face. 

So what is your darkest truth that you are avoiding to face?

[lets-be-happy]

11.24.2017

I still have been trying to understand why I did what i did and I cannot see to find a solid reason why.

I just felt insecure. I tried to protect myself as I had been hurt before by you. I am not trying to defend myself. I know what I did was wrong and I messed up, but it was my way of trying to survive. 

I am sad. I am heartbroken. I feel so lost.

I wake up every morning in pain and wishing that I had been asleep longer. 

But I try to always remind myself - that I was willing to fight for us and you did not.  That you have hurt me multiple times, but I did not walk away.  That I continued to believe in us and had fate in us. I did not up on us.  That if you loved me as much as I loved you, you would not have given up.  That you had never loved me as much as I loved you. 

I continuously tell myself that we just were not meant to be. That there will be someone out there who will love me as much as I would love them. That I will be okay after awhile.

But I don’t know if I believe that. I don’t think I will be ever be loved. I honestly think I am just too messed up and fucked up in my head to ever find that happy ending that I have been wanting my entire life. 

I think I was in denial before us. I think I knew the hard truth that I am too fucked up. I just refused to believe it. 

And now I feel faced with the dark truth that I refused to face and I am not sure what to do.

[lets-be-happy]

11.23.2017

Apparently it is Thanksgiving.

I will be thankful if I could never wake up again. I just want to be asleep forever.

Close my eyes and not feel the pain.

The pain and agony from being the fucked up self I am.

Please let me just close my eyes.

[lets-be-happy]

11.22.2017

I am the fucked up one. I hope you do not think you are the one that messed up.

I sincerely hope that you can trust the next girl you meet. They will not be like me, trust me. You will find a nice girl who you are compatible with and who will make you happy.

I once have told you that I was the one who was too fucked up.  I once told you that I want you to meet a nice and sweet girl without any baggages. I once told you that this would happen, and it did indeed.

I just do not want you to be scared of falling in love again. Yes, I am heartbroken and yes, I am in indescribable pain right now.

But, I still do believe in love. Love is amazing, wonderful, and fulfills your life more than you could ever imagine. It makes each step of your life more meaningful. It gives each step of your life more purpose.

I know you have had bad relationships. I know you have never experienced this. But, once you experience it - it is the most beautiful feeling in the world. Finding someone that makes life more meaningful and fulfilling, finding someone that makes your happy experiences double, and finding someone that you find it worth finding for.

I hope you do not look at what we shared in such a negative view. What we had was beautiful.

Every single moment that we shared.

Every single memory that we shared.

It is indescribably beautiful. I genuinely hope that you do not look at it in such negative view. 

We cared for each other so much. The connection we had was breathtaking. The feelings we shared were a beautiful thing. 

Yes- I did fuck up. Yes, it is stemmed from how I grew up and how I was raised, but this is no excuse. This is just something that I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. However, even though I am in so much pain right now, I truly understand it was an amazing thing,

I am thankful that it happened. I am grateful that I got to meet someone like you in my life. I appreciate every single second that we shared.

and I really hope you feel the same. I really hope that it stays in your life as a beautiful memory, because it was. It really was.

I cared for you like no other. I fell for you like no other. yes, it did not work out, but it was still a beautiful memory.

I am not mad or sad. I am grateful that it happened. It just wasn’t the right timing. We just were two very different people.

I see so much potential in you. I sincerely hope that you live a happy life. I genuinely hope that you are happier now, as that will put me in a peaceful place.

I will care for you forever as you have given me a beautiful memory in life. I will always be here for you whenever you need me, so do not ever feel odd to reach out to me. 

I loved you with all my heart and I hope you live a happy life. I hope you do not give up your dreams for others, as you have the tendency to do so. I hope you find the courage to find the true happiness in life. 

[lets-be-happy]

11.20.2017

Will anyone even care if I disappear?

My desire to disappear maybe stems from my desire to feel cared and loved for.

Though some may feel they would care now, human beings are vey adaptive.

People forget. People move on.

Don’t blame me for my desire to disappear.

Don’t feel anger for my desire to disappear.

I just am in too much pain to continue.

Don’t tell me I’ll be fine. I know I’ll be. I know I’ll survive.

Sorry for feeling selfish. Sorry for feeling like i want to feel desired.

I just wish I can stop feeling this pain, that’s all.

[lets-be-happy]

11.20.2017

It sucks. It aches.  and there is no one else to blame other than me. I think that hurts me the most.

I wish I wasn’t this screwed up. I really wish I wasn’t. One thing that made me feel normal, disappeared. All because of me and it is just hurting me.

I am not mad and I don’t blame anyone. Not even sad or in despair. More of a self-hatred and anger. I wish I wasn’t this screwed up. I wish I wasn’t like this.

One thing. One thing that made me feel normal. One thing that gave me hope.

I am in pain.. so much. Therapist blamed my family and my background. He blamed it is my survival instinct. No.. No.  That is not what I blame. I blame myself. 

Maybe I am just scared of failure. maybe I am just scared of being left alone. I don’t know why. I cannot understand my decisions. I just wish that I did not fuck up. I just wish I was not this messed up.

Why. Why. Why did I do this.  Why am I like this,

I am in so much pain. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have no hope.

[lets-be-happy]

11.14.2017

One thing that I was the most terrified of losing. One thing that I wanted the most in life. One thing that made me feel like I belong. One thing that made me feel like I was normal. One thing. What do you do when that disappears from your life? What do you do when there is no one else to blame but yourself? Grief and sadness turned to self-hatred and despair. I am left alone

[lets-be-happy]

5.17.2016

I come to this place when I am down, when I feel weak, when I feel afraid. I feel it. I feel weak. I feel afraid. I am scared that it's creeping on me.

[lets-be-happy]

This really isn't worth it for me anymore

[lets-be-happy]

Mindfulness

[lets-be-happy]

I don't want to continue

[lets-be-happy]

03.09.2015

Remember to find the reason you're alive