letscrywolff

[letscrywolff]

I Still Know

You wrote about your poisoned past, worried I’d get a taste and run.

You wrote about missing the boy who loved you in his bed. Lavender and all.

You memorialized a moment: an apartment kitchen, midday, quiet as confession. Neither of us brave enough to let the other taste.

You wrote about how we loved the wrong people, and ran nowhere near each other now.

You told me you haven’t found a connection like ours.

Not even close.

You said you felt lucky we met all those years ago. I can say the same.

When I sent those flowers and the poem you told me no one had ever done something like that for you before. You told me that again and again, throughout time. Even in 2023. So it was disheartening to see you meant it when I read through your struggles on Reddit.

You regretted the October you left me. The heartbreak before the final heartbreak.

You said you wanted to love me out loud, and when you finally did, it was easy. Like breathing. Like knowing.

You wrote once that I showed you a different kind of love. A good love, foreign to you.

I knew not to leave you bloody on the bathroom floor.

You wondered what you could’ve grown with someone who didn’t just get to you first, but put you first. You were thinking about me, while you were with him.

You loved me.

Like, really loved me.

And I… I really loved you, too.

But you were afraid I wouldn’t if I saw the whole of you.

So you buried it. Told yourself it was fantasy. Convinced yourself that something this beautiful - this real - couldn't actually be yours. That you didn't deserve that.

Convinced yourself love needs to be hard. Earned. Fought for. You have to deserve it, and the struggle is how. How could a love without chaos possibly be real?

Convinced yourself you didn’t want it because if it wasn’t real, then losing it wouldn’t hurt.

But your writing told the truth.

Every line exposed what you couldn’t say.

Six years. On and off.

You were upset When I called it a ‘fling’. It was never casual. It was never just convenience. It was always more.

Every time we returned marriage came up. Kids came up. You brought a list of names and all.

Love poured out like it never left.

We couldn’t fake it even if we tried.

A shared truth we danced around for years.

So when I told you I saw everything.

The poems. The posts. The parts you hid.

You ran. Deleted it all. Ashamed to be seen.

But I saw you. All of you. And I didn’t run.

I stayed.

So what were you so afraid of?

If your past was poison why didn’t it kill us?

If I wasn’t supposed to love you after all that, why do I still?

I remember 2018. The first time. You told me your secrets after I told you mine.

That version of you - the one you were writing to in the dark - she was real.

I met her. Held her. Kissed her. Fucked her. Knew her. Loved her.

And there’s a line you wrote I’ve never let go of:

“How you still knew.”

That’s why I still write.

Because I still know.

And if I stop… then maybe you were right.

Maybe this really was make believe.

Maybe saying “I want this” was never enough to make it real.

Maybe our three words, after six years, meant nothing.

Maybe you were right.

But I can’t let that be true.

Because I still know.

And you do too.

[letscrywolff]

I miss how you feel in my arms. My hands are eager to read your body like braille, and feel those words for themselves once more: “I love you touching me.”

I wish to once more. I’d waste all three wishes on that.

[letscrywolff]

Why is it when I reminisce about us, I feel happy? I smile? Why am I left only feeling good things? The way you made me feel… it’s easier to remember than the bitter endings. I only suffer so much from the end because I loved every minute that led up to it.

It’s the loss I can’t process. It’s never made sense to me, and still doesn’t. I don’t know why you left. I don’t know why you ended things. Guess I never will.

But what about you?

When you look back on us - how did I make you feel? Across all the posts, across all the time, it sounds like you thought quite fondly of me. Do I still make you feel that way? Or is it buried under our ending? This writing? My discoveries? My presumptions?

I still miss you with a deep ache and I’m never going to be ashamed to admit that I care as deeply as I do about someone who didn’t think twice about leaving me in the dust.

I fell in love with you after that first week together. I just felt like we clicked. And every time we had the chance to click up for awhile, the connection was always there. It was so easy to talk to you. So easy to want you. To fall for you. And I know it was mutual. Because I felt the unspoken love coming off of you.

We were lucky to have each other when we could. I will always have fond memories of you. I just wish we had kept making much more memories of all varieties. I only get sad when I think about all the things we’ve missed out on.

I love you.

[letscrywolff]

I can't help but bring this exchange back up because I still laugh about the fact that you told me you felt 'pushed' when I was making every effort to depressurize things.

Yeah, of course I went for what I wanted - I thought you wanted this too! You had insisted you did, and we'd literally talked about it for YEARS.

But I also know you. Better than you ever wanted to admit. And I knew you would feel the pressure as it became more real. I was trying to get ahead of it. I was trying to stop you from feeling the need to run because I knew there was no good reason. All those feelings you hid from me in the background, in the poetry... I felt it when I was with you, even if you couldn't find the courage to tell me. I felt it and always had.

For me, the important thing wasn't moving in together. It was staying together.

I loved my time with you. I love how I felt with you. And for all those years, it felt mutual. I'm so glad I found your writing. It showed me you felt the same.

I hoped one day you would realize what was important and choose it. It's why I was choosing you. It wasn't simply because you were hot and fun. It was because I enjoyed you more and more as I unwrapped you more and more. I enjoyed every layer I discovered, and I never got tired of uncovering more of you.

I thought I was going to lose you once, before you came back and we ended up engaged. It felt like I was running out of runway with you and had just one or two more messages left before you'd bail on me - for good. I wanted to ask you a thousand questions, but I knew I could only ask one.

"You really think the way we care is the same?"

I wanted to say "love" but you'd never said it to me at that point. I didn't want to force my feelings into your mouth...

"I do. I just think you're better at expressing it."

Funny how you went on to write how you wanted to "love me out loud" after that. How you wanted to "take last October back".

Let's honor the truth for once: The only real difference between how we felt for one another wasn't even how either of us felt - it was what we did with the feelings.

I embraced it. You, however? You were literally too afraid to let it ever happen.

It has only crystalized all the more over time that you were afraid if you let this happen, that I would see the "real" you and that you feared I wouldn't accept you, or that we wouldn't mesh. That you would ruin things. Or that I would pull a bait and switch on you just like that drowning asshole.

So stupid.

I never pressured you and the proof is in our conversations - the included conversation is just one of many where I gave you opportunities to change course. It's clear I didn't push you, but you certainly did push the failure of this onto me - I don't accept it.

I acted on everything you put out there. I prided myself on my honest efforts to see your side of things and be understanding. To give you the space you needed. To let this be your decision. To follow your lead, and be a co-pilot in something I thought we were navigating together.

I always knew what I wanted, and was waiting on you to catch up. I had already waited 6 years. You didn't think I could wait a little longer if you needed the time? That the pressure was on? That you had to move as fast as I was ready to?

You never seemed to realize I had been waiting since the start. So excuse me if I laugh every time you act like you were pressured or pushed. You had as much time to act as I did.

I gave you a choice and I did it without any pressure whatsoever - go read that exchange for yourself. Show me where you were pushed or pressured.

I gave you freedom. But it never felt like a choice to you because you let fear make the decision for you.

The pressure wasn't coming from me.

[letscrywolff]

You tried swallowing all the history of the poison before I could taste it on your tongue and run.

But you kissed me all the same.

Now everything tastes bitter and of course you’re the one who ran.

[letscrywolff]

From the start. Throughout time. Til the end. And even in the postscript.

[letscrywolff]

You weren’t scared I’d draw blood You were scared I never would

That love could be held hands instead of closed fists A warm bed instead of a cold floor

Love in a kitchen in the middle of the day Not blood on a bathroom floor on a night that won’t end

That someone might finally stay And help clean up the mess, not leave one behind

[letscrywolff]

He was the drowning boy, and I was a breath of fresh air

[letscrywolff]

The love was as real as the damage it caused

[letscrywolff]

High Five

She’s a master of many tongues Never said it, always showed it Swallowed pride like wine

Said she doesn't like being pushed Funny. She never complained before Pushed onto a bed. Against a wall

Guess she was tired of being pushed around

She backed me up into my room Eyes filled with lust… Shot a look at me, then to the bed Not a look, but a command

She flipped the script, Pushed ME down Dropped to the floor Looking up while going down

Though she liked a challenge She had nothing to prove Still... She proved it

Pulsing in her mouth, She knew what was coming She went deep Held the spot, didn't spill a drop Savored Like she’d been waiting years for it

Then she looked up, Proud as could be Couldn't swallow her pride After swallowing me

Her mouth was just full Now it was not She was still lost for words She smirked like the villain She thinks she is Held up her hand and shared a High Five

[letscrywolff]

I’m cheating on the girl sleeping next to me with nostalgia and what-if

[letscrywolff]

[letscrywolff]

The Anthology You Never Gave Me

Six Years, Three Words

After discovering the hidden anthology of the woman he loved - filled with the truths she feared to speak across their fragmented time - he responds in the only language they ever shared by writing the story she couldn’t finish.

In the silence of the margins, on the page where she left him, he took her story from fabled make believe to something you can’t help but believe, simply by unapologetically telling the side of the story she refused to hear: his. Where she found comfort telling her truth to a blank screen, he wrote his uncomfortable truths exclusively for an audience of one.

Her.

[letscrywolff]

So much left unsaid

[letscrywolff]

What do you call 2 of your favorite things coming together as one?

Shrek 5 starring Zendaya

[letscrywolff]

I always feel so good when I think of you at first. It's a simple joy that never gets old, like a deep breath of fresh air, the sound of a page turning in a quiet space, or autumn leaves crunching underfoot.

I think about how we met, our story, how it always felt so familiar no matter how long we were apart, how well we clicked, how long we held everything in, and how close we got to having it all once we finally let it out...

Then I think about the ending and I feel everything else.

[letscrywolff]

You knew I was serious.

You were too.

I took you at your word.

Because I meant every one of mine. There's not a line up there that I wouldn't stand by.

I’ve always been clear about how I felt about you and what I wanted for us - a life together, shared experiences, memories. But I didn't create that idea alone. Since I first met you, you've been telling me you wanted all those things with me too.

I meant every word. You said, "But I don't think you know yet" that annoyed me back then solely because I did know. And I felt like you were deflecting too. But I let it go because truth is, I feared if I called you on that bs, you'd get anxious and perhaps even run, but truth is I knew I liked you still then, just as I knew I liked you way back when, "last October", and even now. We've both grown and changed - but who we are at our core still remains, and that's the side of us that our connection is built upon. I’ve never doubted that you were the person I wanted by my side at any point. Not the beginning, the middle, not the end. I always believed in the click between us.

I know you’ve had fears and doubts, and I tried to approach them with understanding. Directly after this screenshot, you told me about the Macy situation. I wanted to address this challenge early, not to pressure you, but because I wanted to remove the stress it caused for you. I knew from that conversation, especially when you asked me "Dealbreaker?" that this was a really serious issue for you, so it became a really serious issue for me too - even if it wasn't anywhere on my radar for possible 'dealbreakers'. But it was a challenge that was solvable, manageable. Truth is, there was no challenge that would be a dealbreaker for me. What mattered most was us finding a way forward together. That's all I cared about.

And I know fear - my fears of you suddenly ending things were always present, though could have easily been solved by finally committing to moving in, because it would have made your words align with your actions, and that's what I needed, proof that your words all actually mean what you say. So I clearly know fear can be overwhelming, and I never wanted to add to that. I wanted to be the person you could lean on and trust, no matter what. That's why I made sure all my words and actions did align. If I told you I would do something, I would do it. You tell me, did I live up to that? If I told you something, did you trust me? Would you still trust me now?

But I was committed to us and I tried to show you in everything that we did. If this felt like too much or too fast, I wish we’d talked about it instead of stepping away from something like this because I know a connection like ours is rare in this world...

What’s hard for me to understand is how things ended. You always told me how serious you were about us, how much you wanted this too. That felt so real when we were together. But when things got serious, it felt like you pulled away, and I never got the chance to really talk through it with you or try to work things out. Ending things should not have been the first option. I was so willing to work with you to ensure you were getting what you wanted and needed. Because I knew you needed that to get what I needed from you, which was honestly just you plus security. I really just needed security on my end, I felt like I had everything else. I really liked who you are and our dynamic. I felt so comfortable with you, and I know I have a habit of being presumptuous, but I think you were pretty damn comfortable with me too. I've finally come to accept that you holding back had nothing to do with me or us. It was a defense mechanism to a.) Not get hurt, and b.) Not allow you to get too attached. You couldn't allow yourself to get too attached because it would risk you getting hurt if (when, in your catastrophizing mind) things end and it also would mean that you might just shut the door on your traumatic past for a change - and you still hoped for redemption and validation for all the time invested and opportunities it cost you, and all you sacrificed for him. You'd never get that redemption if you committed to me, even if you knew deep down that I was best for you. You should have overwritten those traumas with me.

Ending things over text - after all we’d shared, how far we come, how well things were going, and after accepting my proposal - felt so abrupt and unworthy of the connection we built over all our time. It was undeserved and unceremonious. It was careless and completely disregarded my feelings entirely. If you wanted to end things, there were better ways to do it.

But ending things was undeserved too - it was literally your first option. You didn't fight for us. You didn't try. That'd be fine if we were just a fling, but you told me explicitly that this always felt like so much more than just a fling to you. And it always was.

You knew I was serious. You were too.

It's so fucked up. We earned our right to love out loud through so much. The gravity of that moment still hangs with me after all that time... That moment meant so much to me. What did it mean to you?

I had been dying to say those words to your face for years. I thought I was alone in that. Your poetry was vindicating - I wasn't alone in how I felt... Why couldn't you have just said it all those years ago when it mattered most? You wrote about how "August Boy" couldn't see the fading light in your eyes... couldn't you see the fire that burned for you in February Boy's?

How you still knew.

You knew for all those years how I truly felt about you. You knew how you felt. So why muffle your heart? Why tell your secrets to the page instead of the boy who would stay? From the very start you knew I would stay - it's how you introduced February Boy. How you still knew, then and now, who I was. How I would have stayed for you. How you could have grown so many things in a garden with me. How you wanted to love me out loud.

But I was the boy who would stay. I stayed my heart for you. I was patient (which makes being told you felt "pushed" by me all the harsher when in my heart, I waited 6 years for you), and served you even by omission. I muted my heart for you, softened my tongue, turned down the heat... sometimes. But let's be real: I could never resist you. I always gave in - I literally couldn't stop myself if I tried, because I did try and I always failed. But I did bite my tongue when it came to how I truly felt about you. I spared you from the intensity more than you could ever know. Because I wanted to tell you I love you so many times over so many years, and never did. I did it for you. I did it because you always pulled back whenever we got too close. I didn't want to lose you by being "too much" and I didn't want to lose you by scaring you with how deeply I truly felt about you. Of course I noticed how you'd pull back... it trained me to not voice my heart unless I want to see you disappear.

But here's the twist I felt but could never get you to confirm: All that time, you felt deep feelings for me too. All that time you knew you were keeping a secret from me - the worst kind of thing to keep secret too. That you loved me too.

So you're right, we can't go back. But if we could, I wish you'd have just told me how you felt. We didn't have to love the wrong people. We didn't have to be running nowhere near each other now.

Like, you literally labelled him as the wrong person for you. Your words. And you acknowledged that WE could have grown so much together if you had stayed with me instead. Your words were always tinged with regret for staying with him as he drained your soul. It's so fucking obvious in every regard. From the poetry, to the reddit posts, to just the way you always had a sullen look and tone when talking about him.

But with us? In the poetry, it's clear you acknowledge the love between you and February Boy - without all the tragedies being inflicted upon you. It was a love that didn't rely on overcoming endless lows to make it feel real. Our love wasn't a challenge - something you have to earn through degradation, abuse, and proving your worth. Our love was an accepting love. A love that felt like belonging. A supportive love, a passionate love, rooted in connection between two people who were lucky to have ever met and had it.

And you vocalized the love - the hope - so many times in so many ways. One thing you said to me that I think about more regularly than I care to admit: "Is it crazy to think we’d probably be married and have kids by now if we had stayed together all those years ago?"

It wasn't crazy at all. The crazy part is that you never gave us the chance to make it all real. That you always ran as we were about to take the natural next steps with one another.

That's just one of many things you've told me over time that led me to believe you were as serious as I was. You told me that completely unprompted.

We could have had that and so much more. We could have had so many beautiful memories.

All you had to do was stay.

You knew I was serious.

And so were you.